4. Isolation
After leaving my car parked in the garage, (I was fairly sure that no one would come looking for us, but it never hurt to be cautious) I walked through the door into my home before I was really aware again of what I was doing and what was going on around me. I walked to the middle of the room and looked around aimlessly, my mind continuing to block out the hurtful events of the last hour.
My footsteps echoed in the now abandoned house, and I was amazed, as always, at how efficient my family was at packing up and moving in the rare times that we needed to leave the place where we'd settled. There wasn't even a dust bunny left on the shiny wooden floors of the living room. The gleaming chamber gave the impression that it had never been lived in.
I snorted. Truthfully, it never hadbeen 'lived' in, since I was fairly sure that what my family and myself did, could not be actually qualified in that term. The only time I'd ever felt truly 'alive' in this house had been in the last six months when she was here with me.
My gut twisted sharply, and my mind scrambled to block out the recollection of her face, and the memories of the moments we'd spent together here. I gritted my teeth and squeezed my eyes tightly closed, covering them with my palms as I tried to chase away the recollections of her deep brown eyes, the soft lilting quality of her laugh and the marvelous aroma of her skin.
Head in my hands, I walked around in tight circles, my jaw locked, eyes shut, trying to chase away the scattered images swirling through my brain. There was one picture that continued to plague me no matter how I tried to squash it - Bella, standing amidst the green forest, pain and disbelief at my fiercely uttered, lyingwords written all over her beautiful face.
What the hell was I thinking? I moaned internally. My life is officially over...
Still walking in tight circles, I bumped hard into something large that announced it's displeasure at my rough treatment of it with soft, very familiar melodic chime that caused me to stop and drop my hands and look up in surprise.
My piano.
"Well, it makes sense to leave it here, I guess," I said aloud, startling myself with the sound of my own voice in the quiet stillness of the house. "It's not like it fits in a suitcase."
I trailed my fingers lovingly over the baby grand, admiring it as I silently walked around to where the satin covered bench seat sat tucked beneath it. I pulled out the seat and sat, letting my fingers drift lightly over the ivory keys. Such a familiar, comforting feeling sitting here. Softly, I stroked a key, listening to the beautiful note as it reverberated through the empty house. Tentatively, I ran through a simple, one-handed scale, appreciating the way the music resonated around the room.
It'd been a long time since I'd sat down at the piano. Too long.
Over the years, in order to escape the reality of who and what I was, I'd spent a lot of time lost in the world of music. It was the main reason why I had such an extensive collection of cassettes, vinyls and CD's, in all different genres, by thousands of both known and unknown artists. My love of listening soon grew to a desire to be able to re-create the glorious sounds I was hearing, and not long after that, I began composing my own works for the piano.
Haltingly, I let my fingers move over the keys, the resonance from the extraordinarily tuned instrument ringing throughout the empty room. Within moments, the hesitation to play slid away, and I was drowning in the music, my fingers practically blurring across the black and white ivories.
With some dim part of my mind, I registered that I was playing one of my own compositions, a song I had written many years ago for Esme, a tribute to the love that she and Carlisle had found with each other. It gave me some measure of peace to play the much beloved melody, and I felt my tightly wound body trying vainly to relax with the soothing flow of the sonata.
Gradually, I became aware of this odd pressure, built up in my head, just behind my eyes, and I couldn't understand at first what it was. I tried to ignore it, and just work my fingers over the eighty-eight, but it was persistent, and after some consideration, I finally figured it out. It was the pressure related to the needed emancipation of all the bottled up emotions I'd been trying to avoid confronting. I realized that I had been subconsciously trying to find the cipher to unlock them when I had initially sat down at the piano.
Once I felt confident that I had ascertained what the problem was, I earnestly set to liberating my emotions from the prison of my mind where I'd incarcerated them the second I'd stepped away from Bella in the forest. I knew it would be painful, but deep down I craved the release that I knew could be found inside the music. It was the only way for me to begin the healing process.
Bella.
Just thinking her name in passing made me suck a breath, grit my teeth, and pause for a moment before barreling on... looking for the skeleton key to unshackle the pain.
I must have played for hours, one song blending smoothly and flawlessly into the next, because the next time I glanced away from where my hands moved over the keys, it was full dark outside, the full moon shining brightly on the yard surrounding the house. I shrugged slightly and continued, switching from my own compositions, to playing the works of some of the great Masters of the ivory; Bach, Beethoven, Mozart, Brahms, Hummel, Mendelssohn. I could feel the release coming, but it had so far refused to let go, and it frustrated me. I felt my mouth set in a firm, determined line, and I vigorously attacked Chopin's "Sonata in B-Flat minor" with all the style of a road vendor hawking his wares.
Smooth, Edward, really smooth.
The house phone rang unexpectedly, scaring me, and I nearly fell backwards off the padded bench, hitting my knees on the underside of the piano. The hard knock from my violent start jarred the the piano wires into a vibrating disharmony, and I absently rubbed my knees while staring at the phone.
Who on earth would be calling my house? And at this hour? It had to be after ten pm, at least, if not later. The phone continued to ring, strident and shrill, annoying me. It didn't mix with the music I was playing.
Dammit.
I waited while it rang with my hands again resting lightly on the keys, feeling no need to get up and answer it. It was probably just someone from the hospital calling for Carlisle that hadn't yet realized, or been informed, that he had 'transferred' his practice to warm and sunny Los Angeles, California.
At least, that is what he had told people. California was the last place my family would want to go.
I frowned, impatient, my mind attempting to wind it's way back into remembering about things I didn't want to think about. Things I refusedto think about.
When would that damn phone stop ringing? It must have rang fifteen times!
"He's gone. Hang up already!" I snarled aloud, glaring at the offending phone. Thankfully, it actually stopped ringing. Childishly, I pretended that it had stopped because I had told it to stop, rather than that the caller on the other end had finally given up. I huffed to myself and returned my attention to the keyboard in front of me.
I tried to pick up the previous song where I had left off when I was so rudely interrupted, but it just didn't feel right anymore. The nagging pressure behind my eyes was still there, but was more of a throb now, and was becoming horribly distracting.
Staring at my hands where they lay still on the now silent keys, I tried to decide what I wanted to play next. I knew that I should probably grab the rest of my things I was taking with me away from Forks, but there was really no hurry. Honestly, I didn't expect anyone to come here looking for me. The one person who mattered thought I was already gone.
A familiar pain shot through my body, and I struggled to push it away.
No. I argued with myself. It does no good to think about that. Although I knew I needed to face it sooner or later. It does no good to think about her. You did what you had to do.
With dogged determination, I stroked the piano keys again, disengaging my mind and my thought processes, and just concentrated on the music I was making.
The sounds of the piano bouncing back and swirling around me in the hollowness of the empty room surprised me. I wouldn't have thought of such a big space having such amazing acoustics. It was something to think about in the new house.
Staring out the windows at the deepening shadows of midnight, my mind was wrenched back to the present when I heard what song I had unconsciously started to play.
Bella's Lullaby.
The song I had composed for her.. my testimony of my love for her.
As much as I wanted to, I couldn't stop playing.
My fingers continued of their own volition, as if they were on a remote and no longer in my control. I gasped, dragging unneeded air through my teeth, using the familiar action in an attempt to calm myself before my emotions spun out of control. In my head, the annoying, throbbing pressure increased until my ears were fairly ringing. Instinctively, I knew that the emotional release I'd longed for was near, and the relief nearly overwhelmed me. Finally.
Simultaneously, I was also instantly terrified. If playing thissong was what it was going to take to trigger the absolution that I'd been waiting on for the last several hours, then I also knew what would follow soon after the flood gates opened.
Pain. Grief. Heartache.
I was sure that I would want to die.
The phone begin to ring again, loud and shrill, pulling me back away from the edge of my potential release. My fingers faltered to a stop, and I drew in one ragged breath after another, trying to regain my grip on the pain before it completely engulfed me.
Echoing through the nearly empty room, the ringing rattled around in my head, and I reached up to cover my sensitive ears, trying to block out the sound. I didn't remember that stupid phone being that loud before, but then, this room had never been this deserted of furniture previously.
Suddenly angry, I jumped up, causing the piano bench to fall over backward, and stormed over to the offensive phone, intending to sweep it off the counter in a rage.
"Why in the hell do you keep botheringme?" I shouted at the noisy phone.
Curiosity hit me as I got there though, and I couldn't resist looking to see who had become so intrusive into my grief. Snatching up the receiver, I scowled down at the caller ID screen and very nearly dropped the unit in my surprise.
Chief Swan.
Charlie.
Bella's Father.
Bella.
Bella.
Why on Earth was he calling my family home? Was that him that called before? My brain was suddenly whirling with a million different reasons why he would be calling my home, but it finally settled on the most obvious - Bella was upset, and her Father was mad because I'd broken his daughter's heart.
I was tempted, for a second, to answer the phone and ask him what he wanted. I was fairly sure that he would have a lot to say, that I didn't want to hear, but there was a nagging fear that he wouldn't be calling me if there wasn't some serious issue. Maybe he was trying to find Carlisle because Bella had been injured. My hand clenched on the handset in sudden fear, knowing that this was entirely possible. I'd left her standing in the forest, sure that she would be able to get back to her house easily, but she wasn't exactly the best at not tripping over her own feet.
Concern waged a brief war with logic. Logic won. I couldn't answer the phone. I had to cut the ties. I had to make a clean break. The current resident doctor was more than qualified to be able to handle anything that happened to the people in Forks. I swallowed hard. And that included Bella. She was no longer my concern. I gritted my teeth and felt my face settle into determined lines.
Clean break. That was the only way I could do this.
I replaced the handset and stepped away from the still ringing phone and walked back over to the piano. I picked up the bench and set it right again, sliding back in behind the familiar and comforting ivory keys. I sat there and patiently waited for the phone to quit ringing, stroking the keys softly, already playing in my mind. Finally, the phone cut off mid-ring, as if Charlie had just decided to give up his quest to find me.
Quickly, my fingers picked up where they had left off in the song, Bella's lullaby, and I
felt the pressure behind my eyes throb in response. I played harder and faster, my fingers flying over the keys, knowing that the release I had come here searching for was finally near.
When the weight of my emotions finally crashed the floodgates that I had mentally built to restrain them, I wasn't expecting the reaction I was confronted with. I had thought that I would moan, or gasp for breath, maybe feel some sort of physical pain. But no. I felt none of those things. Strangely enough, when everything that I had been bottling up inside me rose up to engulf me, the images of our final goodbye swimming before my vision, I felt all of those emotions draining out of me, leaving nothing behind. I felt... numb.
My fingers stilled their movement and my hands fell into my lap as I sat there, staring at nothing, but seeing everything. The last six months of my existence on this earth replayed before my eyes like a full color movie that was over entirely too quickly. I recalled everything of my time with Bella; our first meeting, our first conversation, the day we spent in the meadow, the disaster in Phoenix with James, our first dance at Prom, the ill-fated birthday party, all the way up until our last goodbye mere hours ago.
As I sat there before the now silent piano, an invisible heaviness descended and pressed down upon my shoulders, literally bowing my head under the weight of it. I suddenly felt very keenly the stabbing loss of her in my life, and I was both unable, and unwilling to move out from under the pressure as it momentarily overwhelmed me.
I'm not exactly sure how long I sat there with the movie of the cherished moments from my 'true' life on constant repeat in my brain, but I'm pretty sure that at least another sunrise and sunset passed before I managed to rouse myself from my stupor.
Pulling myself upright and straightening my shoulders, I glanced at the clock. Ten-thirty. I was two days past due to meet my family at their new location. Emmett and Rose were planning on another honeymoon, but who could be sure with them. They changed their minds daily. Jasper and Alice, as far as I knew, would be sticking close to the rest of the family. That could change though, so I'd probably better be on my way.
Curiosity suddenly caught hold of me as I thought about that, and I was somewhat surprised that my cell phone hadn't rang yet with demands as to where I was. Fishing in my jacket pocket, I pulled out my phone and flipped it open. No missed calls. Strange. I checked the charge. Almost fully charged. Interesting.
I quickly keyed in the number for Alice's cell phone and waited through her ridiculous ringback tone. Why people ever put those silly things on their phones was beyond my understanding.
Thankfully, she answered quickly. "Hello Edward." her voice was soft with pity that made my teeth grind. "Are you okay? I've seen you sitting at the piano for a long time."
Ah yes. Of course. That's why there had been no calls. I rolled my eyes, feeling like an idiot for not knowing better.
"Yes, Alice. I'm okay. I just had to work through some emotions I wasn't prepared for." I looked at the clock on the phone. "Where's the rest of the family?" I waited impatiently as she gave me the run down on what the rest of the family was doing.
"Alright. Well, I'm just going to grab the rest of my things here, and then I will be heading that direction. Just let Carlisle and Esme know that I'm on my way."
"You don't have any things left there, Edward. We packed everything up for you and brought it with us." she was quiet for a second, then added, "We didn't figure that you would be up to it after... you know."
That did help me, actually. I discovered that I wasn't in the mood to spend another moment here in this house where so many happier memories taunted me. I needed to get out and away, as soon as possible.
"Thanks, Alice. I appreciate you doing that for me. I'll just lock up and get on the road."
"Okay big brother. See you soon."
I snapped my cell phone shut and slipped it into my front pocket. Looking around the room one more time, my eyes lingering fondly on my beautiful piano, I headed for the back door. Locking it behind me, I swiftly walked to the garage and let myself in. The next instant, I was backed out of the garage, door shut behind me, and I was driving up the long winding road to the main highway, headed out of Forks... possibly forever.
Are you ready to go yet, Edward? I'd like to try and get back here well before the Spring semester starts, so I can enroll early and beat the rush.
Jasper's silent question registered in my thoughts a second or two before I turned to look at him. He regarded me steadily, his darker golden eyes on mine as he waited for me to make up my mind.
It had been four months since we'd left the house in Forks.
Four long, agonizing months.
I'd gotten bored doing the normal things that we did when we weren't enrolled in school, so Jasper and I had decided that it was time to go and do something about it.
Being just as mind hungry as I was, he had decided to take a class or two at Cornell now that Carlisle would be teaching there part time. He was anxious to get enrolled and get his books ordered. Having gotten bored with just sitting at home reading every book he could get his hands on or order online, he'd finally decided that a few more classes in college would help him pass his time more effectively. The idea of taking a few classes in psychology, a subject that he hadn't studied much in the past, had peaked his interest recently. He was curious how his special talent for controlling emotions would mix with a new ability to understand how the mind worked.
I, personally, wasn't so sure that Jasper spending so much time in a class full of innocent human students without one of our family nearby was the best idea.
But, I couldn't stop him. He was determined.
His continuing weakness for human blood had made it much harder for him to sit through classes filled with warm bodied students, even though he'd made enormous strides in resisting his natural vampiric impulses. I had to admit that the fact that he had managed to graduate high school so many times over the decades was proof enough of that.
Well... great strides, aside from the disaster at Bella's birthday party.
But, in his defense, there had been fresh blood in the room that no one expected, least of all Jasper. I still didn't hold him responsible for his near attack on Bella.
Just the same, the entire family, including me, thought that it would be an incredible help to Jasper to have Carlisle on the campus, even if he wasn't in the immediate area. He tended to look up to Carlisle as his mentor in this vegetarian lifestyle we'd chosen, and just knowing he would be nearby would help remind him of his dedication to the preservation of human life.
That was what Jasper had planned to do.
I had different ideas, and I'd talked him into coming with me for a little bit, before he took off for school, to back me up, in case I needed some help somewhere along the line.
I dropped my bag on the table and nodded. "Yes, Jasper. I'm ready to go. No time like the present, right?" Jasper smiled his crooked smile.
Yes. Let's get this over with. She needs to die. His mental tone was vicious.
I definitely agreed with him on that one.
I couldn't help but smile back at him. As I spent more and more time with him, I was slowly realizing that Jasper and I had more in common than I had previously thought.
Where did Alice say she saw Victoria last?He raised his eyebrows with the question, impatience in every line of his body.
"She said the last place she saw her was somewhere in Texas." I raked my hand through my hair in indecision. "'It has a red titled roof and a large courtyard with white stucco walls,'" I quoted in a perfect imitation of Alice's most annoying, high pitched tone. Jasper chuckled, shaking his head. I laughed with him for a second and then sighed. "To be honest, that isn't much help, from what I can recall of Texas."
Jasper grinned. Yes... that pretty much describes every home in Texas that I ever encountered.
"I'm not exactly sure where to start, but, I figure once we get there, you will have better luck than I will figuring out where to pick up her trail. You doknow Texas after all."
Jasper nodded slightly, grimacing. That I do,He pondered for a moment and his gaze took on the far away quality of someone seeing images from the past.
Knowing what he was remembering, I tried to skip out of his head before I caught any of it, but because Jasper had developed that odd quirk of talking to me in thought rather than speech, I was unable to get out before I saw some of the horrific scenes of his past life. I shuddered.
Refocusing his eyes on me, he smiled apologetically. I took a chance that he'd smothered out the images of his past visions, and let myself back into his mind so that we might resume our conversation.
Sorry. It's unpleasant, I know. I lived it. Although I have to admit, it's been decades since I've visited my old home. He shrugged slightly, and his face took on a haunted look. I'm curious to see how much it's changed.
"I'm sure it's nothing like that anymore," I hoped, anyway. I picked up my bag and turned towards him. "Let's get this over with."
