Many of you have asked about the day that Alice finally reveals her gift, and it will happen at dawn on their sixth day together. There is a very real and important reason she has held back. Don't worry, it is coming. This chapter covers a part of the last one. I will not do that often, in fact, this may be the last time. However, you need to see Jasper's response to Alice's uncertainty. It's really important.
Thanks to remylebeauishot for rushing her excellent beta job for me. After a week like mine, her willingness kept me afloat.
All cannon characters and story line belong to Stephenie Meyer. I own all other characters and a seriously tweaked computer.
Jasper
I felt the turmoil roll through Alice as we drove in the car. She felt desperation, as if she wanted to warn me of something, but the tell-tale emotions of a lie, the feeling of duplicity and guilt, were also pressing against me. My cold chest wrenched in constriction. I could not handle being lied to. Not by her. Not now.
For the first time in almost a century, I finally felt as if I had found a home. I had begun to let old barriers fall as she cared for me and tried to make sure my needs were met. I had even relaxed around her, letting her touch me as no one ever had. I could still feel the relaxed tingle as her fingers pulled through my hair earlier. I had never felt such comfort as when she did that.
Now she was lying or perhaps hiding something, which was as good as a lie. I felt my barriers rise in response to her.
She turned to me, her face a mirror of the churning uncertainty within her.
"Jasper, Ivan and his brother Vasily are my good friends, but they can be a little overwhelming at first." she began as her hands twisted on the steering wheel. Did her turmoil have something to do with the coven we were about to meet?
"I did get that feeling from the phone call."
"Yeah. Well, their bark is far worse than their bite, so don't feel threatened or anything, OK?"
"Are they a threat?" Perhaps this was the source of her dishonesty.
"No. Absolutely not. If they were, I wouldn't bring you here. Just don't let them get to you."
"Alice, I need to know if it is safe. I won't let anything harm us, and I need to know. Do you understand?" If this was the lie, then it would be a deadly one for me. I would not let them harm me, or her. I felt my barriers strengthen as her fear rose.
"If there was any kind of threat, I wouldn't be here, I promise," she said, but a fresh wave of guilt emerged from her. My body tensed, as if for battle from the response. This time, it wasn't to protect myself, this time, the urge was to protect her.
She took a breath, and seemed to come to a conclusion. "I need you to know that I would never bring harm to you or let harm come to you. I will not let anything threaten you. If there was any danger, I would do everything to stop it. You do believe me, don't you?"
Did I?
No. She wasn't telling me all of it. That much was certain. It did seem, however, that she wanted to, so I decided to push. "Alice, is there some thing you nee-"
"Alice!" a woman squealed and ran up, pulling Alice from the car. I flung the door open and leapt over the car before I even realized what I was doing. The woman, Lena, was simply hugging her. Lena's feelings, at least, were straight forward and excited. She was nearly giddy with joy.
"You must be Jasper," she said as she stepped back and nodded her head in greeting. "Come! We have been waiting all day for you to arrive." She led us through the wide doors and into the home. "The boys are in the parlor. They can't wait to meet Jasper."
My mind whirled as we walked through the opulent home to the parlor. Alice kept glancing at me. I was well aware that we were not holding hands. I was angry. I was angry with myself for not being able to trust, angry at Alice for not telling me the truth, and angry at the God-awful timing of the Russian woman. Anger and frustration kept my hand at my side as the strong desire to touch her rose in me.
The next wave of emotions from Alice contained remorse and fear. Her countenance had fallen, and all the barriers I had erected for protection fell in response. I should have kept my distance. I should have retained my anger and redoubled my walls.
I reached for her fingers and grasped her hand.
I felt the raw suspicion of the two men in the parlor long before I saw them. Normally, I would have tensed for battle, but this suspicion was tinged with a feeling of protection, open curiosity, and a sharp nervousness. These men were Alice's "teddy bears." If they were her friends, then the suspicion was appropriate, even justified. The nervousness had me stumped, though.
When we entered the richly decorated parlor, I saw what Alice meant about "formal." The men were huge, mammoth really, and they were both wearing fine evening clothing. The material was stretched ominously across their broad chests. Their faces were stern as they stood with their arms across their chests. I wondered how close their jackets were to ripping. They reminded me of the disapproving fathers I had seen over my years. I realized that these two were filling just that role for Alice, and my mouth threatened to twitch into a smile at the thought. The normal revulsion at my appearance passed through them quickly and their protective response redoubled at my ugly face.
"So, you are the man that our little Alice brought home," said one.
"I hope you don't mind if we ask you a few questions," continued the other.
I felt a surge of anger and embarrassment come from Alice.
"Ivan," she growled in a clear warning as her body prepared to strike.
"Alice, you are our friend. A young vampire like you shouldn't rush into things. Besides, we want to know about this friend you brought to our city." He was trying to sound wise and fatherly, and my rising humor was matched by Alice's rising anger. She looked ready to rip his arm off.
"Jasper, I am so sorry they are acting like this. We should go," she said as she turned to me. I took my eyes away from the Russian brothers to look in her horrified face. Her embarrassment was rising exponentially. I felt the side of my mouth twitch into the smile I'd been fighting. Her anger only made the whole scenario that much funnier.
In all my existence as a vampire, I had never, ever expected to experience this.
"We can stay. It's all right with me," I said gently as I tried to quell her unease. In fact, I was beginning to look forward to this meeting. "Aren't you going to introduce us?"
"There's no need," she snapped, "because I'm going to kill them before you get a chance to chum up to them." She had quite a temper. She was rather cute when she was mad.
"Come now, Alice, we are only looking out for your own good. I'm Ivan, and this is my brother Vasily. We run the mob in New York and Chicago." It wasn't much of a greeting, but it would have to suffice.
"I'm pleased to meet you," I nodded.
"What were you before you were changed?" demanded the one called Ivan.
"Oh, I can't believe this!" groaned Alice. Alice's frustration was ready to explode into violence. Her small face was scrunched up into an angry pout. If she stuck her tongue out, she would have looked like a petulant three year old.
"It's alright, Alice." I tried to calm her again. "I was a soldier for the last three years of my human life. Before that, I was a young man headed to either seminary or college."
"You wanted to be a minister?" she asked, shocked. I suppose it was probably rather surprising, given my brutal past.
"That was a long time ago." Long, long ago.
"I don't know. I really could see you as a man of the cloth." mused Ivan. His eyes went briefly to my face, and then he turned his hand over to glance at it. Instantly, his emotions went from suspicious to terribly uncomfortable. This meeting of Alice's was turning out to be quite interesting. "Though that does bring up the next question. What are your, um, intentions towards Alice? Are they honorable?" Ivan shifted his feet and looked to the ceiling. I felt my mouth spasm into the smile I had been trying to hide.
Ah, that question.
By my side, Alice let out a pathetic whimper and slumped. Her mood was murderous.
"Of course. What else would they be?" I said, as my mind pondered the truth of that. Then a rather vivid image of Alice showed me exactly how truly un-"honorable" my intentions could become. It took everything I had not to follow the image to its conclusion.
Alice was so angry that she was shaking. She was looking at Ivan like a predator looks at its prey. Her anger was so potent that I knew she was ready to attack and would probably rip an appendage off. I could tell which appendage she was aiming for by the angle of her eyes. I winced inwardly as I thought of her attacking Ivan there. She fought dirty.
Vasily laughed. "I can think of quite a few ways that they might be less than honorable! If you need some ideas on that, just come talk to me. A little knowledge goes a long way, eh, Alice?" He winked at me and then huffed as his brother's elbow jabbed him hard in the ribs. I heard Alice let out a low, wild growl. The emotions running through this room were so intense and so uncomfortable, that I nearly laughed.
Ivan's hand flipped open for a split second and then he looked at me. "When were you changed and where did you come from?"
I coughed to hide my laugh. They have notes! How on earth did they get notes for this?
The brothers were still suspicious and rather protective - no, possessive - of Alice. That could very easily be used against them, so I placed my arm tightly around her shoulder. Not only would it rankle the Russians, but it would hopefully protect them from her. Her mood instantly changed, indicating that she understood, and she snuggled close to annoy them. The closeness of her body brought the dishonorable, though very pleasant, image back full force. I swallowed before continuing.
"I was changed during the Civil War in Galveston, Texas on January 2, 1863. My maker created newborn armies to fight in the territorial battles of the south. Her name is Maria, and I served her for almost eighty years."
"What was your role in the army?" asked Ivan curiously. This question was spontaneous.
"I was a simple soldier at first, but my training helped me gain rank quickly. I survived the first several battles, and Maria kept me. I eventually rose in rank to be the commander of her forces." I felt their concern grow, but the sweet feel of respect now colored their emotion.
"What were your duties as commander?"
I tensed. I didn't want Alice to hear this, but she hadn't run when I told her what I was, so perhaps she wouldn't care about the specifics. "I trained newborns, came up with battle plans and led them into battle." I didn't mention having to kill them.
"That explains why you look the way you do," nodded Ivan.
"He looks just fine, Ivan," Alice countered as a fresh wave of frustration rose in her. Her fury made her so adorable. Although they were mismatched in height, I was willing to wager that Alice was more than a match for Ivan when it came to a fight. I would have loved to see her get a few choice body parts off of the big one.
"He looks fine for a soldier," argued Vasily with a wary glance at me. He knew she was furious with them. He took a step back before continuing. The vampire was no fool. "Alice, we were created during Ivan the Great's reign. We were made to be soldiers in a similar kind of war that raged all across Eastern Europe at the time. No one lived longer than twenty years. No one. Your Jasper lived the life of a soldier for eighty years, and that means there is more to him than simply being a soldier." For just a moment, I saw a twinge of fear in Vasily's eyes as he looked at me. My violent past and deep scars frightened the huge warrior. Good.
"Nevertheless, I did fight for that long as the leader of various newborn armies. I was very, very good at what I did. I was successful, but I hated it. When I was told of the freedom available in the north, I left." I made my voice velvet, and pushed against their rising concern with a wave of peace.
Ivan cleared his throat and glanced at his hand. "What kind of family background did you come from?"
Was he joking? Did he even realize that I was a vampire?
"Since they've been dead for seventy years, does it matter?" I asked, trying to keep the sarcasm from my voice.
"No. No, I suppose it doesn't. I was just wondering about them."
"They were good people who lived good lives and died."
"Ah, yes. That sounds about right," he said as he shifted feet again.
Vasily looked into his hand, frowned, and then asked, "Ah, so, what are your plans now? How will you provide for her?"
Where did they get these questions? Who on earth asked these things of a one-hundred year old vampire?
"What!" roared Alice. "Provide for me? Me? Oh, for the love of God, Ivan! I provide for you. Remember?"
She stood there with her hands on her hips and her chin jutted out. She looked like a beautiful, little Puck I had once seen drawn in a book. Her wrath was utterly endearing. Of course, I knew better than to tell her that.
Ivan looked deflated. Apparently, she was right, and she didn't need any help in providing for herself. I took the moment to end this. "As I said, I am tired of fighting. Tired of killing. All I want is to live my life in peace as a free man."
"We understand the need for freedom," nodded Ivan. "In fact, it is causing us some issues even
now."
"We also left our armies. We traveled all over Russia, trying to find a good place to feed in peace," added Vasily.
"We came here during the Russian Revolution because the whole area became oppressive." Lena had entered and stood by Vasily. "We hope to return one day when the Reds lose their power, but until then, we are stuck here." Her sadness over her lost home was thick in her voice.
"Then we understand each other," I stated, as I sent out a second wave of peace.
Ivan sighed. "You need to understand. Alice is our friend, and not many of our kind have those outside of covens. She means a lot to us, and we will not see her hurt."
"I wouldn't hurt her," I responded automatically. My arm pulled her against me. I was shocked by how strong and how automatic that response had been. I wouldn't hurt her. I couldn't hurt her. I was now totally at her mercy.
Her feeling switched to joy. She had heard the underlying meaning to my words.
But would she hurt me?
I banished the thought as her arm returned the awkward embrace.
"So, are we welcome here?" she demanded.
Vasily laughed and opened his arms to her. I watched as she went over and was crushed in his bear hug. I wondered if he had any idea of how unsafe that was for him right now.
Ivan walked over to me and slapped me on the back.
"So, um, do you like to play games, Jasper?" he asked. He was trying to be nice.
Games? How long had it been since I had played games? Long enough not to remember anything more than that I once loved them. "Yes, I believe I do."
"Come with us and we'll choose something fun. We have thousands of them." Ivan led us further into the massive home to a room whose walls were lined with a few bookcases and shelf after shelf of games.
"What are your favorites?" I drawled. Most of them were so new I didn't recognize them.
"Poker, canasta, chess, and Monopoly," answered Vasily. He looked as excited as a schoolboy. I let myself smile at the inconsistency of his size and his expression.
Within minutes, I was faced off against both Vasily and Lena in chess. Ivan and Alice were squared off in Monopoly. Vasily was a solid player, but once I remembered the rules of the game, I was able to easily see through his strategy. We were done long before Alice and Ivan.
The Russian brothers were ecstatic to have me as a new playmate. It was rather odd to be viewed that way, especially since I had been ready to kill them a few hours ago. However, they did enjoy their games, as did I, it turned out.
Alice taught me Monopoly, a game she seemed to be very adept at. She won it handedly. After that, we were partners for the remainder of the games. She sat tantalizingly close to me through the night, and I wished more than once for a little privacy with her. There was so much I needed to know, so much that I didn't yet understand. I also simply wanted to be with her again. Alone. I missed her scent.
We played games all night, and began a marathon game of poker for the next day. I was rusty at the game, but quickly caught on. I had played this game often with the newborns, and relished the challenge of playing my huge opponents. We wagered only chips, but it wouldn't have mattered if we wagered air, I was too competitive not to try and win.
Of course so were the brothers. They became as serious as if they were in a battle when the game began. To us soldiers, I suppose it was a battle of sorts. We were all relentless in our desire to best the other. I felt right at home pitting myself against them because this was the kind of battle I enjoyed. I was outnumbered, and they cheated.
Now that I was finally hell bent on beating an opponent, I was actually enjoying myself.
As each hand was played, I began to see an odd pattern in the play. At first, I was unable to truly understand it, but then my attention fell on Alice. She would get her hand, make a few adjustments, and then stare unfocussed at her cards for a moment. It was so quick that I almost didn't catch it. None of the others paid any attention.
I couldn't believe what I was pondering. It was preposterous. It was not possible. Yet,
in the world of the mythical, could anything be impossible?
Alice rarely won, but her play almost always favored Ivan or me. Although the others won several hands, Ivan and I had far more wins than we should have. I began to feel for her, to taste the emotions in the room, as I always did, and Alice was nearly a blank. Her usual happiness and a sense of accomplishment were all the emotions I felt. The others had all the emotions of a game: surprise, anticipation, happiness, anger, frustration, but none of those came from Alice. Instead, she was merely cautious, except for small moments of utter nothingness. One moment, she would be sitting beside me, and the next, it was as if she had disappeared. I watched her to try and understand, but the only hint I could see was an odd blankness to her face.
By our thirty-third hand, I knew that Alice was somehow affecting the game. And she was doing it on purpose. With a growing coldness, I realized that the beautiful imp whose life had shattered mine was gifted in some way. And if she was affecting a game of chance, it was a formidable gift. I had never heard of a gift that could turn a game of chance to one's favor.
Was this what she couldn't share? Was this the untruth she carried? Or was it something far worse? How much of her was I not seeing?
Did it even matter anymore?
I wanted Alice. I needed her. The need was unconditional and irresistible, and I now realized that I could not leave.
I deeply buried my own feelings and simply played the games. I focussed on the hands and the stories the brothers regaled us with. There stories were indeed like mine, but where I ended in solitude, they came to New York. As distracted as I was, I did enjoy the endless stories of war and destruction. They'd had interesting lives, even for vampires, and were both very mischievous. They had a very odd affinity for cattle and unscrupulous humans, often both at the same time.
All the while, I writhed inside as I realized just how trapped I had become in three days. She was everything to me. She held my very soul in her small hands, and all I could do was hope that she was indeed the angel I'd imagined her to be.
After multiple hands of poker and a dozen stories each, Vasily finally did what I'd feared, and asked me to tell of my battles. I did not have funny stories of victory. What I had done was best kept in the dark hole of my memory.
"I don't have much to share. I trained armies, led battles, killed the enemy, killed the newborns, and then trained more soldiers." I sent out what I hoped was calm and focussed on my cards. I needed this discussion to end.
The brothers were quiet for only a moment before quickly starting story about using pigs dressed as priests to terrify a walled city. There was no reason for the prank other than that they were bored. I began to realize that this massive game room was probably the only thing keeping New York City from complete destruction. The tale of the Priestly Pigs somehow led to a discussion of their adventures upon becoming bloodthirsty newborns together. The two of them had decimated four villages with their combined thirst within the first few days of their immortality. Their coven had to come in and burn the the hamlets to the ground to hide the slaughter. Both brothers laughed at the memory.
"What about you, Jasper? You were changed in war, did you find refugees to feed you, too?" he asked me directly. To my surprise, I found myself answering him.
"Not entirely," I said, and then I had to catch myself. The memory of that day rushed in on me while I was unprepared to deal with it. That first memory was acutely painful, and I needed to compose myself before I could answer. The screams of my victims as they filled my head as I tried to control the agony of their deaths. I took a steadying breath, and began my story. "When the burning finally ended, Maria told me what I was. The thirst was horrid, and she told me she could ease it. She took me to feed on a camp where the civilians had fled from the bombardment. These were the very people I had helped evacuate, and I just couldn't feed on the women and children I had tried to protect. She became very angry with me, and told me that I would then feed on those who could protect themselves. It took everything I had to turn from the camp of refugees, so when she brought me to a medical tent filled with bleeding soldiers, I couldn't stop myself. We both fed from them. It wasn't until I grabbed my sixth human that I came to my senses enough to recognize what I had done. He looked at me with his pained eyes and simply said, 'Sir?'" My voice broke as the sound of his plea echoed through my mind. I would never forget him. It took me a moment to speak again, but when I did, I felt nothing. My voice was toneless. "She did it on purpose. She took me to my men to feed on them. I had led them into battle, had given them the training they needed to survive, had fought and bled for them, and they had done the same for me. She took me there to show me what kind of monster I was. My first feeding was on the blood of my own men."
"She is the monster," whispered Lena after a pause. I couldn't say anything.
Alice
I was in pain. It hurt, physically hurt, to hear the agony, and then the nothingness in Jasper's voice. I knew that the nothingness meant he was in so much pain he had made himself numb. I could almost see the killings as he spoke. I could picture his face when he realized what he had done. I had worn that face when I killed the first stranger who crossed my path.
It wasn't fair. Jasper was having a good time, and then a simple question had ruined it for him. That memory caused him horrific pain, even after all this time. I hated Maria with a heat that could have burned her to ash had she been here. Sitting beside him, all I could do was place my hand on his arm and rub it. I couldn't tell if it helped or not.
The boys returned to their stories after Jasper's tale, but neither of us were in the mood for games or conversation. I wanted to take my wounded soldier away from here and try to tend his wounds.
We left Ivan's home early Saturday morning.
"What now?" I asked as we meandered along the streets before sunrise. Now that we were alone, his mood was much lighter. He looked at me with his cockeyed smile and simply squeezed my hand.
I had spent almost three full days with him, and I was utterly happy. The visions of fire was still in the back of my mind, but I was able to tuck them away and enjoy the moments with him. The sun would rise in an hour, and we needed to decide where we wanted to spend the day.
"When do we need to be at Chi-Yang's?" he asked.
"I don't know or care. I'm not sure I want to go see him." The last day and a half had turned out
very well, but the memory of Ivan and Vasily grilling Jasper was still very fresh in my mind.
"I don't mind going to see them. I told you, since I didn't have to fight Chi-Yang, he is almost like a friend." I snorted in reply, and he chuckled.
"I was ready to snap off various parts of the last friends and impale them with the heals of my shoes," I huffed. "I'm not willing to go through that again."
"Your shoes wouldn't have been very good at impaling them," Jasper chuckled.
"I know, but it would have been fun to try," I said with a smile.
"Lena mentioned something about a museum."
"Do you like museums? Which kind would you like to visit?" A museum meant more one-on-one time, and that was good.
"I would like to visit a historical museum. I like art, but not as much as history."
I altered course and headed for the Museum of Natural History. If we ran, we could easily make it and break in before dawn.
"There will be humans," I warned.
"It is easier to be near them when I'm around you. You tend to distract me."
At least it was mutual.
We wandered around the museum all day, starting with the back rooms where the objects were
cleaned and categorized. The rest of the museum would be closed for the first four hours of our time there. Jasper was as thirsty for knowledge as I had been, and he looked at every exhibit and read every word in the place. When he was studying an object, the constant look of tension, or perhaps pain, would be completely erased, and without the worry on his face, he became totally beautiful to me. Surprisingly, his knowledge was deep on almost every topic that the museum covered.
As we walked through the Egyptology exhibit, my curiosity about his past got the best of me.
"Were you really hoping to go to seminary?" I asked quietly.
He turned and gave me the sarcastic half-smile. "Ironic, isn't it?"
"Not any more than living in a church," I reminded him.
"I don't remember most of my life before the change, but there are some things that I do know. My grandfather was a minister, and a very good one. My father was a lawyer and was also very good. They could convince anyone of anything. Like me, my grandfather was in the war when he was young, and was badly wounded in the War of 1812. Unlike me, he survived the war and made a life for himself promoting peace and love. He was the most courageous and compassionate man I ever knew, and I wanted to be like him."
"Is that why you went to war, to be like him?"
He was quiet for a moment, and I was afraid I had pushed it too far. His voice was steady but bitter as he continued. "I went to war because I was young and foolish and dreamed of glory. I was a good leader and better soldier, and I quickly gained the rank of Major even though I was far too young. I was planning on going to either the seminary like my grandfather or the university to study law like my father, but not for the reasons they did. All I wanted was the respect and honor of the positions they held. I was willing to become anything for the glory and power I craved. When Maria created me, I still wanted the glory that came in battle, so I became the leader of her endless, useless wars."
He wasn't looking at me at all, he just spoke, and I could sense his remorse in his words and body. When he was done, he simply removed his hand from mine and moved on to the next exhibit without looking at me.
It hurt.
It hurt to see him carry so much guilt and remorse with him. It hurt that I didn't know how to take away his pain. It hurt that I had pushed him away again. It hurt because regret is a terrible burden to carry through all eternity.
It seemed to take him forever to notice me beside him, but he finally held out his hand to me, and I slid my fingers into his with relief. I was glad to know that I hadn't hurt him too much by prying. I had been around soldiers and war since 1945, and I knew how much pain they often carried. Still, I was in anguish over what Jasper was forced to bear.
I swore to myself, and to him, that I would do whatever it took to help him find his peace.
Dedicated to my husband who had to face something far worse than a vampire - my father.
