Disclaimer:
Me: Gosh I have taken forever to update this story.
Jessica: I'll say. You'd think you were part snail with the way you have been neglecting your fanfictions.
Me: Hey! No fair. I've been very busy with school. And what about you? We haven't written on our Harry Potter story in AGES. Whose fault is that?
Jessica: Oh shut up and get on with your story, you loon.
Me: Some friend. Where's the love?
Jessica: You know I love you. Anyways, Aniesa does not own Rizzoli and Isles, nor does she own the lyrics she will be using.
MPOV:
I hated who I had become. I had become what I had always laughed about. Those women who needed the person in their relationship in order to function had been a source of humor for me. Now they served as a mirror. I had become one of those women.
I didn't want to be anywhere without Jane. It was like she had literally become a part of me. I now felt jealous when she paid attention to other girls. I knew that Jane loved me, she had proved that to me over and over; the problem was that I knew how little I was worth. My entire life I had been abandoned, neglected. I knew that if someone better came along, I could never blame Jane if she ever decided to leave me.
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I loved her so much.
I loved spending time with her. I didn't even mind giving up my activities for hers, as long as we were together.
I love her, so why is she pushing me away?
She took me to the symphony today. I had forgotten how beautiful classical music is. Why did I stop listening?
Jane took me to the art museum today. I used to love the museum. When did that change? I used to go once a week. Why did I stop?
Jane asked me what I thought we should do today…. When was the last time I chose our activity? When did I let her become the decision-maker? Why am I so dependent on her? When did I stop being… Maura?
Who am I?
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I sighed as I looked at myself in the mirror. I didn't recognize myself. I had heard the things that people were saying: that Jane was no good for me, that I could do so much better. It wasn't true. Not a word of it was true. Jane was so out of my league I had a hard time letting her out of my sight. She was a piece of me. Though I wished I didn't need her, I knew that I did.
I kept fighting my feelings for her; her feelings for me. I had no reason for why I did it, I just…. Couldn't stop.
We'd been dating for a few months when the talk at the station had started. I didn't know if Jane knew what they were saying but what I heard broke my heart. The others, they just didn't understand. They said that our relationship was a tragedy, or rather my lack of availability was a tragedy, and that it was insanity. To think they had wanted to try to convince me to get into their beds and I turned out to be in love Jane.
The words stung. Perhaps they were right. Maybe this relationship was wrong. Heck, maybe it was even a little crazy. Tears welled in my eyes at the thought and I knew I had to leave.
I ran from the coffee shop. I hailed a cab and went home. To my home. I hadn't been here in what felt like ages. I had been staying with Jane at her apartment for months. I needed a few moments of piece. I needed some type of clarity. But there was no piece in my house, no hidden answers telling me how to fix everything; just silence. I sat in the middle of the floor in the living room, trying to meditate.
That was how Jane found me a few hours later. She cautiously stepped into the living room and sat in front of me. "Maur? Sweetheart is everything okay?" I looked into her eyes, so full of concern, trying to assess the damage. "Maura, are you hurt?" That question made me jerk a little.
"I…. I'm not hurt… It's just… I heard… I heard what they said….. Does everyone… Does everyone think that?" I whispered as the tears began to fall. She instantly pulled me into her lap, arms wrapped around me as she tried to soothe me.
"Shh… It's okay. Do they think what, baby?" she asked as gently as she could.
The tears only increased in intensity. "Do they all think…. Think that we…. Is this relationship crazy? Are they… Are they r-right? Are we…. A trag-traged…." I broke off into sobs, unable to finish.
Her arms tightened around me and I could feel her stiffen at my words. "Maura, look at me." She pulled back and waited until I looked up into her eyes. "Do not listen to what those idiots say Maura. Do you hear me? They don't understand us. They don't understand this. It's new and different to them and most of them are a bunch of bigots. They have no insight into us honey."
I have to look back down before I can reply. "But… but what if they're… r-right?"
"Maura, tell me, does this seem like insanity to you?" I start to question but she cuts me off. "Does it? Does this," she grabs my face and crushes our lips together, "feel wrong? Does this," she runs her hand up my side as she kisses me again. "Does that feel crazy to you? Does this" she trails kisses down my neck and bites lightly, "feel bad? Is it insanity? Is it tragedy, Maura? Should I stop?" she asks as she continues.
I sigh in contentment as she kisses me on the mouth again. "I… I'm so sorry." I gasp as I start to sob again. She hugs me tighter.
"Maura. I just want you to be sure that this is what you want. If…. If you change your mind, I'll let you go. I won't keep you from what you want. I love you too damn much to make you miserable."
"Jane, language. I'm not…. I'm not miserable… I just… I don't want y-you to regret…. Us…. Me…. I know that…. You could do better…" I say curling my knees to my chest. Before I can process anything, I'm on my back on the floor with Jane hovering over me, her mouth covering mine. It's hard to remember what we were talking about with her kissing me like that.
"You… Are the best thing that has ever happened to me Maura. And dammit, I love you. You are worth it Maura. And I will spend the rest of my life trying to make sure you feel that way." She kisses me and pulls me to my feet.
I blink more tears back. "You don't know that you'll spend the rest of your life with me Jane."
I can see the anger that crosses her face. "I was going to do this right. I didn't want to do it like this. I wanted you to be dressed up… Well more than usual. I was going to take you to see that ballet you've been rambling about for months…." She pauses in her speech to kneel in front of me. "And I was going to say that you, Maura, are my life. You are the only thing I seem to care about anymore. I feel like there is a piece of me missing if I am not with you. I want to wake up with you in my arms, and only you. So will you, Maura Dorthea Isles, marry me?"
I cannot even formulate an appropriate response in my head as she pulls out a ring. Tears pour in rivers down my face as I stand there nodding. She slips the ring onto my finger and pulls me to her, running her hand over my hair. "Maura, I was trying to make you happy; not upset you more. I'm so sorry baby. Please stop. You know I can't stand it when you cry."
I laugh and I can tell that it sounds slightly hysterical. It isn't long before I am laughing uncontrollably with tears still running down my face. "Maura, honey?" Jane's concern only makes me laugh harder. "I… m not up-upset…. I was c-cryin-g because I'm hap-happy." Her face falls into a smile in a way that is uniquely Jane.
After a few minutes I am able to calm myself down and I stand there with my head on Jane's chest, her arms secure around my waist. "You're right you know. Before…. None of that felt wrong. It all felt like I'm where I'm supposed to be. I know I shouldn't have let them get to me…. I just…. They just kept on and on. They say those things all the time and I just needed to know…. I can't be the only one that feels this much. Without you, I don't even know who I am anymore. I'm not sure there is a me without you Jane. I've never needed anyone as much as I need you."
Jane lifts my face to hers and starts kissing me heatedly. "Then it seems like you're just going to have to be used to this because I am not going anywhere. Not without you at least." I sigh as I hug her tightly and lean up for another kiss.
This is who I am.
Cause you are the piece of me I wish I didn't need
Chasing relentlessly, still fight and I don't know why
If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?
If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity?
Why are you my clarity?
A/N: Well I hope that chapter was complete crap. Please review!
