Chapter 4
~Peeta~
The throbbing in my skull was nearly unbearable. It woke me up abruptly from my fitful sleep and I rolled over to try to get more comfortable when I collided with another body. My eyes snapped open which only made my head pound harder.
Katniss was lying next to me. In my bed. The sheets were pulled down to her waist and I noticed she was wearing one of my USC t-shirts. Her hair was messy and I could feel her bare leg touching my own under the covers. And then I realized I was only wearing my boxers.
My heart started racing. Did we…? God, I hoped not. I couldn't remember anything after we left Finnick's party last night. I would never forgive myself if I had sex with Katniss Everdeen while being so intoxicated that I couldn't even remember it the next morning.
I thought about waking her up and asking her, but then I thought about how she would feel if we had and I didn't remember it. I would have to think of a way to ask without being overly obvious.
Suddenly, a violent wave of nausea hit me and I leaped out of bed and rushed to the bathroom where I vomited into the toilet. Once the heaving subsided, I took a look around, trying to remember the previous night. I noticed the open mouthwash bottle on the sink and realized I must have thrown up then too.
Great, I thought. I'm sure that was sexy as hell.
I splashed some cold water on my face and then groggily made my way back to the bedroom where I found Katniss sitting up against the headboard.
She smiled shyly at me. "Good morning," she said.
I groaned in response as I collapsed onto the bed, face-down. All sense of indecency I felt over being in just my boxers had gone out the window the moment I realized she must have been with me while I was throwing up last night.
She chuckled. "I guess that answers my next question of how you're feeling."
I slowly turned my head to look at her, squinting in the sunlight streaming in through the window.
"I've never had that much to drink," I said hoarsely.
"I figured," she responded. "I left some water on your nightstand. You should drink it."
I turned to look and saw that she was right. I reached up for the water and gulped it all down, along with the two pills of aspirin beside it.
"Thanks," I said, flopping over onto my back.
"Do you...do you remember last night?" she asked quietly after a moment.
I slowly turned to look at her, my heart started to race again as I thought about what could have happened. "I...remember leaving Finnick's house. But not much after that."
A disappointed look crossed her face.
Oh, no. We did. We did have sex and I didn't remember it at all. Dear God, I hoped I was good. I hope I didn't finish in ten seconds.
"Katniss," I began with a gulp. "Did we…I mean, uh, did we…?"
I motioned between us, gesturing to our current attire.
Her eyes grew as wide as saucers.
"Oh! No!" she said hurriedly. "Not at all."
I breathed a huge sigh of relief.
"Oh, thank God," I replied, covering my face with my hands. "I mean. Not thank God. I mean I want to but...I mean...ughhhh…"
I groaned in frustration at my inability to form the right words.
She laughed and ran her hand gently through my hair. "I know what you mean, Peeta."
As the medicine started to kick in, I was able to tolerate the light a little better and I was trying desperately not to look at her bare legs that she'd pulled out from under the warm covers.
"I should probably get a shower," I finally said.
A cold one, I thought.
"Me too," she replied. "Do you want to go to breakfast when we're ready?"
"Sure," I said. "I could really use some strong coffee."
"Meet you back here in a half hour?" she asked, rising from the bed and pulling the shirt down so it covered down to mid-thigh.
"Perfect."
After I heard the front door to my apartment close, I made my way to the bathroom and tugged my boxers off before stepping into the shower. The hot water felt good on my skin and seemed to melt away what was left of my hangover. By the time I got out, I felt much better.
Thirty minutes later, Katniss and I were sitting downstairs in the cafe. We were each eating cheese bagels and I was drinking a hot black coffee while she sipped on another coconut iced coffee.
"Better?" she asked around a mouthful of bagel as I took a long sip of my coffee.
I nodded. "Much," I replied.
"Do you think you're still up for going surfing today then?" she asked hopefully.
Just like we had done back when we were both still in West Virginia, we had made Sundays our day to spend together. Except now, instead of sitting on a rock by the river in the woods, we spent the day alternating between surfing and laying on the beach.
"Sure," I said. "Wouldn't miss it."
She smiled warmly at me and finished off the rest of her bagel and coffee.
When we were done, we cleaned up our table and headed back upstairs to our apartments to change and grab our surfboards.
After we'd changed and met back in the hallway between our apartments, I grabbed Katniss's hand and we headed down the hill to the beach.
"Peeta?" she asked as we first stepped on the warm sand.
"Yeah?"
"Are you sure you don't remember anything from last night?"
I felt my face fall. By the way she was acting I was really starting to think that something significant had happened last night, but I had no recollection of anything after we left Finnick's.
"I'm sorry, Katniss, I wish I did, but I really don't," I finally answered.
She nodded somberly.
"Why, Katniss?" I asked, stopping and tugging her hand so she would stop too. "Clearly, something big happened last night."
She looked a little uncomfortable and I could tell already that she was deciding whether to lie to me or not. "The truth, please, Katniss," I added.
She sighed. "It wasn't as big of a deal as you think."
"So then why can't you tell me?"
"Well...you said you loved me," she practically whispered.
Oh.
To be honest, I wasn't all that surprised. People tended to be very honest when they drunk, I guess I was no exception. Obviously I'd loved her for years. I just hadn't wanted to tell her when I was totally trashed.
Cringing, I looked into her eyes and asked, "Is it okay if I said that?"
She looked surprised. Like she'd been expecting me to take it back.
She avoided my eyes as she replied, "Yeah."
I waited a moment to see if she would say it back. But I knew she had a hard time with being that vulnerable. Once it was clear she wasn't going to say it back, I swallowed my disappointment and continued walking toward the calling ocean, tugging her hand to walk with me.
We didn't say anything the rest of the walk to the water. As we neared it, I could see that Finnick was on lifeguard duty today. He was standing in the lifeguard tower talking to his team leader, Haymitch. I had met Haymitch several times and, despite his grim nature, I actually liked him. He was about twenty years older than any of the other lifeguards on his team, but he was still the fastest swimmer and had a pretty impressive record of lives he had saved. I knew Finnick had a lot of respect for him and I could see why.
They both waved at us as we approached the tower.
"How you feeling today, Peet?" Finnick asked with a cheeky grin on his face.
"Better than I was when I woke up this morning," I replied.
"I'll bet. How you doing, Katniss?" Finnick continued as he and Haymitch descended the stairs.
"Fine, thanks," she answered with a smile.
"This is Haymitch, by the way," Finnick said as he gestured to Haymitch who reached out to shake Katniss's hand. She hesitantly obliged.
"This is Peet's girlfriend, Katniss," Finnick explained.
"Nice to meet you, sweetheart," Haymitch replied roughly.
"You too."
"When are you going to compete and join the team, Mellark?" Haymitch asked, turning his attention to me.
I rolled my eyes at the question. He'd asked me a million times to try out for his lifeguard team, insisting that with how quickly I'd learned to surf, and surf well, that I would be a good asset to their team.
I shook my head and gave the same answer I always did, "I just couldn't commit to all the hours. Plus, I already work at the cafe."
Haymitch shook his head in disappointment. "Could be saving lives instead of baking cupcakes."
I chuckled. He always tried to sound insulting with his retorts but I knew he never really meant it.
"How do you know I haven't saved any lives with my cupcakes?" I replied with a grin.
"Oh, I can vouch for that," Katniss chimed in. "His chocolate cupcakes have definitely saved my life a time or two after an overwhelming day at school."
I turned to Katniss, surprised that she had joined the conversation and a little flattered by her words.
"See?" I said, looking back to Haymitch and Finnick who were both laughing. I didn't think I had ever seen Haymitch laugh.
"Whatever you say, sweetheart," Haymitch replied, shaking his head. "Just keep this boy out of trouble. No more drunken nights."
"You got it," Katniss agreed.
"Well, have fun surfing," Finnick said. "It's a great day for it!"
With that, we waved goodbye and sprinted the rest of the way to the water, jumping onto our boards once we reached it and paddling out in the surf.
Finnick was right, it was a perfect day for surfing. The sun was warm and the waves were swelling.
I watched Katniss as the first waved rolled in and she seamlessly mounted her board and rode out the wave, maintaining her balance with her strong, flexed legs. She should be the one to join the lifeguard team. She had learned to surf way more quickly than I had. Her balance was better and she was much more agile than I was. I'm sure all that time she spent tracking and hiking with her dad in the woods had helped with that.
We spent the rest of the afternoon surfing, only stopping briefly to eat a little lunch. When sunset finally arrived, we straddled our boards and let the tide rock us back and forth. I could never grow tired of this. Being here in the ocean, watching the sunset with Katniss would always be my favorite place.
After the sun sank below the distant horizon, Katniss suddenly broke the silence with a quiet "I'm sorry."
I turned my head to her in confusion. "For what?"
"That I can't say it back."
The disappointment I'd been holding at bay all day flooded back into my mind. She couldn't say she loved me. Maybe she didn't even love me. At least not yet.
I lowered my head, pretending to scratch at something on my board and shrugged.
"I wouldn't want you to say something you didn't mean."
She was quiet for a moment. "I'm just...not ready."
I didn't respond and I knew that she could tell I was hurt because she had a guilty look on her face.
I realized the darkness was growing so I reached my hand out to her and said, "Come on." I tried to smile but I knew it wasn't very genuine.
She smiled back weakly but took my hand.
~Katniss~
I felt so guilty. Why couldn't I say it back? Was it because of my mother abandoning us when she was supposed to love us unconditionally? I didn't know, but I had only ever said it to Dad and Prim. I knew I loved them, but how could I be sure that what I felt for Peeta was love? I just wanted to really be sure before I ever said something as significant as that.
A couple of weeks passed. Things had been different between us since that Sunday. Peeta wasn't as warm as he used to be. He still came over after school and work, we still went surfing, but things had definitely shifted. We hardly did anything physical past hugging and holding hands, and even those things felt distant. Peeta hadn't said he loved me again. It was like he had put this wall up to me. And I hated it. But I couldn't bring myself to say it.
One morning, we both had a shift at the cafe before school. Peeta was already there, baking, when I came in.
"Hey," he greeted me. Did I imagine the tinge of coolness in his voice? Maybe it was just my own guilt making me paranoid.
"Morning," I greeted back, immediately going to the espresso machine to make myself a latte. I was going to need something strong to get me through today.
"Do you know what you're doing for Thanksgiving yet?" Peeta asked, breaking the silence as I sipped my coffee.
I swallowed thickly. "I'm just going to stay here. I'm saving money to go back home for Christmas," I replied, trying to sound nonchalant. I hadn't told him I wasn't staying here for Christmas yet.
His back was still to me and I could see him stiffen. His shoulders went taut beneath his white t-shirt, stilling as he stopped kneading the dough.
"Oh?" he said after an awkward silence. I could tell he was trying to act like it didn't bother him.
"Yeah, I've been thinking about it and it would be cheaper for Dad if I just went home instead of him and Prim coming here. And I really miss home…" I added.
I could see him nod slightly, but he still wasn't turning to look at me. I had hurt him. Again. That seemed to be my thing lately. Telling him about my relationship with Gale, not telling him that I loved him and now dropping the news that I wasn't spending Christmas with him.
"I understand," he said finally.
And that was it. He wasn't going to argue with me? Try to convince me to stay here? Was he giving up on me? On us? I was starting to wonder if we should just go back to being friends. Things were so much easier then.
Suddenly, I just couldn't take it anymore and I stormed out of the cafe and back upstairs to my apartment, slamming the door loudly behind me. I dropped onto my old couch and before I knew it, the tears were slipping down my cheeks.
I loved Peeta. I knew I did. But the thought of admitting it out loud scared the hell out of me. I couldn't shake the thought that some day he would grow tired of me, like Mom did with Dad, and just leave. No explanation, no final goodbye, just gone. Forever.
The tears were coming down harder now and I couldn't seem to get them under control. The pounding was so loud in my ears that I didn't hear the door open or hear Peeta's heavy tread as he entered my apartment.
I didn't even notice his presence until he sat down next to me and wrapped his strong arms around me. He pulled me into his chest and ran his hands soothingly over my hair. I couldn't even bring myself to resist, so hungry was I for his touch and comfort.
"I'm sorry," he whispered in my ear. "I'm so sorry."
I tried to protest to his apology - he shouldn't be the one apologizing - but I couldn't stop the tears long enough to get the words out. All I could focus on was the way his fingers felt on me as he ran them up and down my back. Even in my crying, they were starting to stir a different emotion in me.
Before I even realized what I was doing, I was pulling away from his chest and leaning in to kiss him. Our lips met languidly, and I could taste salt from my tears and something sweet that came from whatever pastry he had been trying as he made it.
He must have been feeling just as hungry for me as I had for him because our tongues were already exploring each others mouths and his hands had moved from my back to either side of my face.
Somehow, he ended up underneath me on the couch, which was new for us since usually it was the other way around. My legs fell to either side of his hips and I could feel the hard bulge in his pants pressing into me. The friction felt amazing and it must have felt that way for him too because every time I pushed my hips into him he let out a groan from deep in his chest. Something was unhinging in him and I liked it.
His hands were creeping up my sides, and his thumbs grazed the underside of my breasts. I let out an embarrassing gasp against his mouth at the contact and could feel a surge of warmth in my core. I wondered if he could feel the heat through my pants.
My own hands couldn't seem to find a place to land. I ran them through his hair, causing it to stand on end, and placed them on his strong chest for awhile before I clawed my way under his shirt, letting my fingertips wander over his stomach muscles. This time, he gasped quietly against my mouth and knotted his fingers into my hair, pulling me closer to him so I felt his desire for me in an even more intimate way.
In this moment, I was definitely starting to feel like I could tell him that I loved him. I had missed his touch so desperately over the past couple of weeks that it was making this seem even more intimate than it already was. I realized I wanted even more, and grabbed the hem of his shirt to tug it off.
He helped me pull it off, tossing it over his head so that it landed somewhere on the floor. I had seen him without a shirt on a thousand times, almost daily in fact, since we went to the ocean almost every day, but this was different. I knew it was more vulnerable for him than when he took his shirt off to go surfing.
I took a moment to appreciate him, running my hands over his bare torso, noticing the mix of fine dark and blond hairs that splayed across his chest and then narrowed down to a trail past his belly button and disappeared into his waistband.
I leaned down and began trailing kisses down his neck, marking my territory there. He was letting out quiet bursts of air and I could feel his fingers skittering up and down my back. I had just reached his chest with my mouth when there was a loud knock on the door.
We both jumped in surprise and then blushed furiously. It was like we suddenly realized what we were doing and where things were heading. We quickly sprang off of the couch, Peeta moving out of view of the door as I ran to answer it, smoothing down my hair.
It was Mr. Mellark.
Brilliant.
"Good morning, Katniss," he said kindly.
"Hi, Mr. Mellark!" I replied, trying, maybe a little too hard, to hide the fact that I was just stripping clothes off of his son.
"Are you and Peeta still able to work this morning?" he asked. "You're both on the schedule."
"Oh! Yes, I can still work! I was down there earlier and realized I forgot something so I just came up to get it," I falsely explained.
I knew it was a bullshit excuse. I never slacked off on work and I could tell by the look on his face that he didn't quite believe me.
"Great!" he replied with a smile as he turned to walk back down the hall. "Oh, and could you do me a favor?"
"Sure!"
"Could you tell Peeta to join you for work in the cafe after he gets his clothes back on?" he deadpanned with a wink, walking back down the hall.
My mouth fell open and I turned to see Peeta's shirt laying on the floor in clear view of the door. All the blood in my body seemed to rush to my face.
I closed the door, embarrassment washing over me in waves, and I turned to see Peeta about the same shade of red that I was.
"Well," he began with a chuckle. "I guess now we're even for the time I caught his girlfriend nearly naked in the kitchen."
Thank you all so much for your reviews! They help keep me motivated to keep writing! Stay tuned for Chapter 5!
