Chapter 4: The Forest and the Door in the Tree
I was in my pine forest. Well, forest might be a generous term for it. It was really just a stand of pine trees near my house in Utah, a place where I had often gone to hide when I was a child. I had loved the feel of the soft carpet of pine needles underfoot, the sweet smell of the trees, and the silence, the wonderful blessed silence. It was the only place that I could go where no one would find me, where no one would yell at me, where I could think about something other than chemicals and verb conjugations and evil. It was a place where I could just find a pinecone and pick off each hard petal, one by one, and be at peace.
Being back in my pine forest now, even if it was just in a dream, made me feel calm and clear-headed. It was a spring day, and light filtered down from between the branches of the trees. I could smell the pine and hear the birds chirping softly. It was nearly impossible to think of this place as evil in any way, and my lingering resistance to spirit-dreams took another hit. Anything that could bring me back to my forest couldn't be evil.
I was still wearing the tank top and pajama bottoms I had been sleeping in, which was exactly what I wanted to be wearing, but I was barefoot, so I waved towards my feet and made my favorite flip flops appear. As I slid them on, I heard footsteps nearby and turned to see Adrian come out from behind a tree. All he had on was a pair of blue plaid flannel boxers, and I wondered if right now, his body was asleep in his silky bed in the same thing. He didn't say a word, didn't comment on the surroundings, just came forward and took my hands in his. I don't know why, but it seemed like the most natural thing in the world to just stand there holding hands for a few moments, both of us looking down at the forest floor as if afraid to look in each other's eyes.
"This is my pine forest," I said finally, looking up at him. "It's my... safe place."
"I understand," he said. He took both my hands in one of his, and used his other hand to tuck a stray strand of my hair behind one my ears. His touch was light, but it set off shock waves through me. "I have places like that, too," he said. "They aren't forests, but... I still understand."
We were silent again for a while, holding hands, and we both inched forward slowly until we were touching foreheads. We stayed like that for a moment. Then he put one arm around my waist, pulling me even closer, and I leaned my face against his chest, letting my arms hang limp by my sides. He used his free hand to stroke my hair. I could hear his heart beating in his chest. Being that close to his bare skin reminded me of the crazy feelings that had been rushing through me back in his bedroom, but for the moment I was content to stay right here, listening to his heart, breathing in his scent.
I didn't really want to talk. I didn't want to think about our fight, or even the kiss. I just wanted to stay like this, with Adrian, here in my sweet smelling pine forest, where life was forever on pause and no one was ever mad at me for not being good enough.
Finally, he spoke. "I swear," he whispered near my ear, his breath ruffling my hair. "What I did? I never used compulsion like that to... get closer to a girl. I never did that before, and I'll never do it again. I would never hurt someone like that."
"I know," I said. Because I did. It was obvious, if you knew Adrian at all. We both leaned back to look each other in the eye, our arms around each other's waist.
"I didn't even know I could do compulsion without speaking," he said. "I mean, you saw. When I used compulsion on Jill to calm her down, I had to use words and a lot of energy to convince her that everything was ok. It's difficult to use compulsion, though it's easier to convince someone of something they'd rather believe."
That was pretty much what Rose had said, but when Adrian said it, the implications were too strong to ignore. "Really?" I raised an eyebrow. "Was I easy to convince?"
"I didn't mean it that way. I just meant that Jill… and, well, God, Sydney, you know what I meant!"
"Oh, be quiet a minute, Adrian," I said. "Just be quiet. I'm trying to forgive you here, and you're messing it up." I saw a smile pull at the corners of his mouth, and then I lay my cheek against his chest again, and he gave me a tight squeeze.
I thought about my conversation with Rose. It was obvious that Adrian hadn't even quite known what he was doing when he had used his psychic energy to affect me. If he had really meant to compel me, he could have done a lot more than he had actually done, and he could have lied about it later, too. And the truth was that I probably had been easy to convince. I had wanted to kiss him. It was just something that was buried so deeply, so completely, that I didn't have access to it. It had been sneaking up on me for weeks, maybe months. And now I couldn't ignore it. "Like a headache," I muttered under my breath.
"You have a headache?" he asked. Darn that crazy vampire hearing!
"No," I said. "I was just thinking out loud."
"Oh," he said, clearly confused.
I pulled away from him and began pacing around in a circle. I was still trying to process all this. I knew that I could forgive him – that in fact, I already had – but telling him as much meant opening up the Pandora's box that was the kiss. If I forgave him about the accidental compulsion, would that mean things would go back to how they had been, before the kiss? Or would they be... more like they were now, with us hugging and holding hands and stuff?
I guess the silence finally got to him, and he said, "Well, if you can't forgive me, I understand. I'm a shit, Sydney, and pretty useless, really. Not good enough for someone like you."
I whirled around and walked quickly over to him. I actually poked him in the chest as I said, "Don't say that. Don't ever say that, especially not in my pine forest." He stared in surprise as I went on. "Don't you understand? This is where I went to get away from people who said things like that about me. I won't let you say it about yourself. You're wonderful. Even if you make mistakes. You're wonderful."
The minute I said it, I blushed bright pink. I couldn't believe that those words had come rushing out of my mouth! I was so sure he was going to tease me about it, the way he had when I had said that he was brilliant, but he didn't. He didn't even tease me about me blushing. All he did was smile and say, "Ok, ok, fierce girl! Put down your sword." He took my hands and squeezed them, then dropped them. "I won't say something like that again. I'm glad to know you don't think I'm a complete fuck-up."
"I don't think you're a... you know. A mess. And I guess I can forgive what happened. You didn't mean to do it, and really, we both lost control there for a minute."
He grabbed me in a big hug, actually lifting me off the ground. "Cool, Sage! Cool!" he said, swinging me around. "Thank you so much! You're better than I deserve." He kissed my cheek and I stiffened and pulled away, even though the touch of his lips on my skin had set off a chain reaction of excitement through my entire body. He noticed my reaction and set me down, studying my face.
"Neither of us deserves the other one," I said. "The bigger problem here is that you're a vampire, Adrian." Hearing the words out loud made me wince, even though I was the one saying them.
"I know, I know," Adrian said. "Evil creature of the night, falling for a brilliant, brave, innocent human. We're like beauty and the beast, only we're both beauties." He gave me a rakish grin, but the smile didn't reach his eyes.
"You think I'm brave?" I said.
"Oh, so you buy brilliant and beautiful?" he asked.
"I didn't say that. I just don't recall a specific instance in which I was exceptionally brave."
He took on a dramatic tone. "Don't you remember when we were in the clutches of the Strigoi? And you, fair maiden, let me hold your hand." He added, in his normal voice, "I took a lot of comfort from knowing you were there. I think that was when it really started for me. When I started to feel... well, you know. Like this." He looked a little embarrassed, which surprised me. Nothing about this conversation could be easy for him either, I realized.
"You comforted me too," I said. "I don't know if I would have made it without you." He was looking at me, his expression so tender that it almost undid me, but I kept going. I put my hands on my hips and said what I thought I had to say. "But I'm human and you're not. That kiss was a mistake."
"I wouldn't call it a mistake," he said. His gaze on me made me feel warm all over, so I looked over his shoulder at some trees, trying to identify the species.
"What was it then, if it wasn't a mistake?" I asked. I had identified the tree as a pinus ponderosa scopulorum, a Rocky Mountain Ponderosa Pine.
"It was just something that had to happen, for us to get to this point. Because we had to talk about this, Sage."
"There's nothing to talk about. You vampire, me human. End of story." I still wasn't looking at him. I was still looking at the pine tree. I was hoping that no beetles had eaten their way into the thick bark.
"Then what are we doing here? Sydney?" There was an edge to his voice, and I looked at him. "Why are we… holding hands? Holding… each other? Why are we talking in circles? If there's nothing more to talk about, then why don't we admit that this is an impossible dream, and wake up?"
"We probably should," I said. Neither of us moved an inch. "Look," I said. "We're friends, and sort-of coworkers. We… had a traumatic experience together. And then we hung out a bit too much and lost our way. And we had a sort of… physical reaction. It was a one-time thing. It can't happen again."
"So what are you suggesting? That we ignore each other?"
"No, of course not. We're friends. We should just… go back to that. I mean, do you really want to be involved with a human? Doesn't the idea sort of… weird you out? Even a little?"
"It's not something that I ever thought I'd end up doing, no," he admitted. "You're the first human I ever really got to know, and getting to know you changed all my preconceptions about what is and what isn't ok. I feel like… it's worth it to try. But if you really feel like you can't, I'll have to respect your choice. I guess maybe I can try to be your friend." Taking a step forward, he took my hand and held it, the way he had held it the night the Strigoi had captured us.
Something about the way it felt to hold his hand reminded me of that night. I had been pretty much ready to die that night. Well, not ready to die, but expecting it. And Adrian's touch had made me feel better. It had made me feel peaceful. There was something important about that…. I pushed the memory from my mind.
"What if we thought about it this way," Adrian said. "Maybe it can't happen in the waking world. But this is just a dream. It's not even really happening." He gave me one of those smiles calculated to melt me, and I rolled my eyes.
"Don't try to get off on a technicality," I said, pulling my hand away.
"Hey, you can't blame a guy for trying to get off," he said, and I punched his arm lightly. "Ouch!" he said, laughing.
"I didn't hurt you," I said. "I didn't use nearly enough force or momentum to cause you any injuries."
"That's what you think," he said, pouting.
"If by 'hurting you' you're referring to what I was saying before, that's not fair," I said. "Don't blame me for this situation. It's just the facts. It can't work, even if..." I trailed off and looked away.
"Even if –?"
"Even if nothing. It simply can't work." I had identified a small shrub nesting in the shade of the tree as a Wood's Rose. Why was it always roses? As I stared at it, I saw it shimmer and disappear. Good, I thought.
Adrian was still talking. "That's just your prejudice talking again."
"I'm not prejudiced! We are legitimately different. It's wrong to do this."
"We aren't doing anything." He grabbed my shoulders and made me look at him, but I pulled out of his grasp.
"Still. It's wrong to... feel this."
"Ah-ha! So you admit you feel something!"
"Irrelevant. It's wrong."
"Says who? Your friends at the alchemists? The same ones who authorized Keith to be a complete asshole? The ones who had you convinced that I'm every bit as evil as Strigoi?" He reached out a hand to stroke my cheek. "The ones who marked you with a tattoo that keeps you from being able to speak freely?" He looked around the forest, then said, with a touch of quiet anger, "The ones who made you so miserable as a child that you had to come here to hide?" I didn't say anything in response, and Adrian went on, his voice very soft now: "It must have been kind of lonely."
"You don't know anything about me," I whispered. I knew that the words weren't true, but I couldn't stop myself from saying them.
"I think I do," he said. "I don't know how, since we haven't known each other very long, but I feel like I know you. At the very least, I want to know more about you. Who knows, Sage?" His usual jocular tone returned. "Maybe when we get to know each other, we'll hate each other. We'll just be enemies who make out from time to time." He winked at me.
"That won't happen," I said.
"I know," he said, with a big grin. "We'll never be enemies." He ignored my exasperated sigh. "Come on, Sage," he said, grandly. He let go of me and began waving his arms around to emphasize his point. "If you don't want to make out and you don't want to wake up, then just… hang with me for now." He looked around us, and then a red flannel blanket appeared on the ground a few feet away. He sat down on it, patting the space next to him for me to sit down too. "Come on, let's just talk, as 'friends.' " He made air-quotes as he said "friends." "I wanted to ask you about something that you said. Two things, actually."
I took off my flip-flops and sat down on the blanket, not next to him but opposite him, folding my legs up Indian style. "Ok," I said. "Just for a minute. Then I have to wake up. So, what did I say?"
"Well, first, you said that you and I made the same wish at the fountain...?"
"Yeah," I said. "To the very word. We both wished that everything would be alright."
"Weird," he said. "I guess great minds think alike, huh?"
"And fools seldom differ," I answered.
"But don't you think," he went on, unruffled. "Don't you think that two people making the same wish at the same time would make it come true?"
"I'm not an expert on wishes," I said.
"I think it would. And I am an expert on wishes."
"Really," I said, incredulous.
"Absolutely," he said. "And I think everything will be alright." He smiled, and our eyes met again. I suddenly had a feeling a lot like I had had before, in his room, right before I had kissed him, that feeling like I was drowning in his green eyes. I shook the feeling off.
"What's the other thing?" I asked.
"What?" he said. He sounded spacey, and I realized that, as hard as it was for me to fathom, I was having the same effect on him that he was having on me.
"The other thing. You said there were two things you wanted to ask me about."
"Oh yeah, the other thing. You said something about people taking you away for 're-education'. Is that really... a thing? Do they do that?"
"Yes," I said. "They do."
"What, a bunch of guys in black boots stomp into your room in the middle of the night, bundle you into a straight jacket, and drive off in a black van to take you to some basement, where they show you old Dracula movies until you crack?" He was trying to keep his tone light, but the look on my face stopped him short. "Wait, is that actually it?"
"It's close enough," I said. I paused, then added, "I don't know what color boots they wear."
He stared at me. "Sage," he said. "That was a joke!" He chuckled.
"I have made jokes before," I said, huffily.
"Yes, and most of the time you have no clue when you're doing so. It's one of the many things I adore about you. Anyway, so this 're-education' thing... What happens? I mean, do you know anyone who actually went through 're-education'?"
"One person. I didn't know him well, but after he came back from re-education, he was only half-alive. I've heard things, but I don't really know what they do there."
"Wow," he said. "I knew the alchemists were a bunch of lunatics, but I had no idea. God, Sydney. Who are you mixed up with?"
"That's what they would say, if they saw me with you," I said. "And if they had seen that kiss?"
"They'd be panting for air?" Adrian suggested. "I mean, that was some kiss. It should have been filmed for posterity."
"If they'd seen that kiss, that'd be it for me," I said. "They'd drag me off to a re-education center before you could say 'vamp-lover.' By the time I came out, I'd be lucky if I even remembered my last name."
"It's Melrose," said Adrian. I rolled my eyes at him. "Hey, just trying to be helpful." He crawled a little toward me and put his hands on my shoulders in a mock-paternal way. "In all seriousness, if they take you away, I will get an elite team of jail-breakers and ass-kickers to come save you." He brushed the hair back from my face. "I won't let anything happen to you. There's nowhere on earth that they could hide you from me. As soon as you fell asleep, I'd find you. You could tell me your location, and my team would be off and running."
"Who would lead the team?" I asked. "Rose?" I couldn't stop myself from asking. It was like having a loose tooth. I just couldn't leave it alone.
He stiffened slightly, but answered me. "I would lead the team, of course. I am a complete bad ass, you know. But yeah, I'd probably include Rose on the team. I'd have a hard time keeping her away! She likes you." I smiled. I don't know why, but knowing that someone like Rose wanted to be my friend sort of made me feel special. It was confusing to have such warring feelings of jealousy and admiration for one person. "Look," Adrian went on. "I'm mad at her for cheating on me. But I've come to terms with the fact that she's happier with Belikov. And I've come to realize that maybe I'd be happier with someone else someday. Rose was always ready to write me off, like everyone else is. I need someone who... gets me." He leaned closer and put his hand on my chin, tilting my face so that I had to look him in the eyes.
"I'm glad to hear that," I said. With him so close, it was hard to catch my breath. "I'm happy for whoever it turns out to be."
"Me too," he said. "Lucky girl. She gets to be with Adrian Ivashkov."
"Adrian Melrose," I corrected. He was so close now. I should move, I told myself firmly. I should get away from his eyes and his scent and his bare skin. "Um, Adrian, we should stop sitting so close. We're just confusing ourselves."
"Confusing ourselves?" he repeated, but he dropped his hand and scooted a little away from me on the blanket. "Are you confused?"
"I just mean, we can't keep pretending that this can go any further. If things were different, maybe. But they're not. It's not just because of the re-education centers, either. It's my whole career with the alchemists that's on the line. I'd be the shame of the entire community if I gave in to this. It just can't happen."
Adrian took a deep breath. "I'll send you home then," he asked, after a pause. When I didn't say anything, he asked, "Do you want to wake up?"
"No," I said, miserably.
"Well, what do you want?" He sounded exasperated.
"I don't know!" I almost shouted. A few birds flew away, startled by my loud voice.
Neither of us said anything for a few minutes. Then I sat up on my heels, facing him from just a few inches away. I don't know why, but I reached over to him and touched his face, running my fingers over every line and angle. We stared at each other, and there was that falling feeling I always got, a vertigo that defied explanation.
My thoughts returned to that moment that we both thought we were going to die, when the Strigoi had us captive. I had been glad that Adrian was there with me. I mean, not in the sense that I was glad that he was going to die too, but in the sense that I was glad I that I was with him. And that was it. When I had thought I was going to die, there was no one else I wanted to be with more than I wanted to be with him, no one else's hand I wanted to hold instead. If he was who I had wanted to be with when I was dying, why couldn't I let myself be with him when I was living?
Sitting here with him in the forest, examining every contour of his face, I wanted to tell him all this, tell him how much he had come to mean to me in such a short period of time. But that would be admitting that I had developed romantic feelings for a vampire. I opened my mouth to speak, closed it again, then sputtered out, "This kind of sucks." I was tearing up again. What was it with me that I was always bursting into tears these days? Why couldn't I say anything coherent? I think Adrian sort of understood what I was feeling, though, because he pulled me into another hug.
After a minute or two, he let go of me, and we both sat back on the blanket, a few feet away from each other. Maybe to distract me, he spoke up. "I like this place," he said, gesturing around at the trees. "The smell of real pine trees is a lot better than my pine cleanser."
I looked around at the forest, and smiled. "Yeah. The smell may have been my favorite part as a kid. It reminded me of Christmas."
"My favorite holiday! I love all that figgy pudding, deck the halls shit."
"You do?"
"Of course I do! I'm not a monster."
I laughed. "It's so hard to picture you in a Christmas sweater, hanging up a stocking..."
"Well, I don't wear Christmas sweaters, so you're sort of right about that. But the rest of it? Sure thing. I'm on that like a bonnet. What about you? Big Christmas person?"
"Kind of. When I was little, I loved it. The tree, the presents, the cookies..."
"What did little Sydney get as presents? New chemistry sets?"
"Not usually," I said. "I always had a top-of-the-line model anyway and didn't need a new one for Christmas."
"Of course," he said, laughter in his voice.
"I guess I usually got books and clothes. You know, normal stuff."
"Books and clothes? What kid wants that? What about toys?"
"I didn't want toys."
"Come on, Sage. There must have been something you wanted as a kid."
"There was never really anything I wanted," I said. "I like cars, I guess. I mean, once I got old enough I wanted a car. But... other than that? Nothing, really."
"I used to be rich," he said, wistfully. "Before my dad cut me off. Time was that I could have bought you anything your little heart desired. I could have gotten you a Porsche. Or a Lamborghini."
"That's very nice of you to almost offer me that," I said. "But I really don't need a car now. I have Latte. It's big enough to drive around all of you, which is what I need it for."
"But what about a car for you? Something that you like? Something with a bit more speed and verve?"
"It's just not in the cards right now," I said.
"So as a kid, you never got the things you wanted. And now as an adult, you still don't get the things you want. Sounds like serious bullshit. Good thing you met me. Sometime we'll go to a race track together, even if it's just in a dream. Maybe you can drive one of them."
"That'd be fun," I said, unable to fake much enthusiasm. That should have been something I would like, but right now, it didn't sound right.
"Okay, so that's not what you really want. What do you really want? I'll try to get it for you, Sydney. I don't know how, since I'm broke now, but I'll do what I can. I want you to be happy."
I tried to remember the last time anyone had said those words to me. I want you to be happy. Maybe my mom? She usually said things more like, "I want you to be safe." Certainly not my dad. Did anyone in my life want me to be happy? Rose did, I realized. She had pretty much said so. And Jill seemed to want to see me happy. Why was it that the only people who wanted me to be happy weren't human?
"I am happy," I said, and it was almost comical to hear me say it when I sounded so miserable.
"What would make you happier?" Adrian asked.
"Happier?" I repeated, stupidly.
"Because if this is happy, well, it's not... happy."
"I would be happier if the alchemists promoted me and got my dad off my case," I said. There was a growing heat inside me, an anger I hadn't let myself feel in so long that I had almost forgotten it. "I would be happier if my sister Zoe weren't an alchemist too. I would be happier if Keith were dead in a ditch, for what he did to my sister Carly."
"You should tell me about that sometime," Adrian said. His voice was gentle, but insistent. "I want to hear about it, I swear. I'll kill the guy myself if you want me to. But you're not answering my question. What do you want for yourself? Not to please or appease or protect someone else. For yourself. Because whatever it is, I'll get–"
He stopped short when I sat up suddenly on my heels. For a second, I really felt like the warrior girl he had painted, the one who stood ready to fight in the gladiator arena, sword drawn. I wasn't fighting for my life; I was fighting to live.
"You," I said. My voice was unrecognizable to myself. "I want you. I want to kiss you again. More than I ever wanted anything else, my whole life."
"Well then, fierce girl," he said. His voice was gentle, with not even the slightest trace of mocking humor. "I'm right here." He sat up on his heels too, so he was just an inch from me, and I understood that the last inch was up to me.
It was one of those times in life that if you take too long to think about what you have to do, you'll just start to feel paralyzed. So I pulled everything inside of me as tight as a bowstring, and then I flew at him like an arrow. I knocked him over on the blanket, my lips pressed against his, my legs straddling his torso, one of my hands supporting my weight on the blanket and the other one clutching his shoulder. My shyness and inexperience warred with my need, and I opened my mouth slightly, surprised and thrilled to get that same electric jolt when our tongues touched. I opened my mouth wider and so did he. My tongue brushed past one of his fangs and I forced myself to just keep going, mentally noting where exactly it was. Avoiding his fangs seemed like the best approach. After a minute or two, I attacked his neck, loving the way he reacted. After a moment he was breathing heavily, but managed to gasp out, "I thought... I would have to search the globe for your missing teddy bear or something." I didn't answer. I was too intoxicated with him for speech to be possible.
Apparently, his powers of speech were deserting him too, because he gave a mock-growl and rolled us both over so that he was on top of me, kissing me so hard I could barely breathe. After a moment he brought his mouth down to my neck again. I clutched his back, almost unable to stand it, the amazing feelings shooting through me. But that fear returned – would he bite me?
"Adrian," I whispered.
"Hmm?"
"Don't bite me."
He stopped short, then looked me right in the eyes. "I won't ever bite you. Not with my fangs, anyway. Not unless you ask me to," he added.
"I won't," I said.
"That's fair," he said. "I wouldn't expect you to." He was leaning on one elbow and with his free hand he was absent-mindedly stroking my hair. Then he leaned forward and kissed me again, and I lost track of a minute or two.
After a while, we both leaned back slightly, both of us needing to catch our breath.
"So?" I asked. "How's my aura?"
"So bright that I can't look directly at it," he said, and I giggled. We sank back on the blanket, and there was no space between us for a long time after that.
I had known that kissing was the inspiration for poetry and art and music, and that it required 34 different muscles. I had known that people my age seemed obsessed with making out. But I had always thought people were exaggerating. I didn't know how much it could mean to be with someone who you really cared about, just enjoying the touch of one another. I loved the feel of his skin, the sounds he made when I kissed him, and the look on his face when we pulled away and stared in each other's eyes.
What sounds really dumb to say, though, was that it was fun. It was meaningful and it was exciting and it was engrossing, yes, but it was also fun. And when we finally disengaged, I wanted to just laugh or sing or dance or something with all the joy that was running through me. I knew that Adrian was… uncomfortable, I guess is the polite way to say it. And honestly, I was affected in much the same way, though it wouldn't have been as obvious to someone looking at me. But I was happy despite my discomfort. We lay back on the blanket, holding hands and looking up at the trees.
"That was a pretty monumental make-out session," Adrian said.
"Yeah. I just abandoned a few of my fundamental beliefs, for you," I said. "No pressure."
"Oh, of course not, none. Though you know, you could always just dump me and go back to hating Moroi." I couldn't figure out from his tone whether he was at all serious.
"That'll never happen," I said.
"You'll never hate Moroi?" he asked.
"Never," I said, though that wasn't what I had meant and both of us knew it.
"Good," he said. He squeezed my hand.
"Am I crazy," I said, "or is the sun setting?" There was a pink tinge to the bits of sky we could see between branches.
"Well, you are crazy," he said, "but yeah, the sun is also setting. It's getting late. It's almost time for you to wake up. In fact, come on. Let's go to sleep." He stood up.
"Ok, um, what?" I sat up and stared at him.
"Technically, you need to wake up," he said. "So, come on. I want to try something."
He walked over to a big tree a few feet away, which now had a modern looking door in its trunk. He opened the door and held it open wide, and I could see that on the other side of the door was his bedroom.
"Ah," I said. "You're trying something." I was trying to make a joke, but I think my real nervousness came through in my voice.
"Not like that, Sage," he said, laughing a little. "Trust me!"
"Alright, alright," I said, and walked over to the tree. He held the door open for me with a bow, and I began to walk through it.
"Wait," I said. "I forgot my flip-flops." I gestured to them, sitting on the ground near the blanket, and Adrian started to go get them, not realizing my intent. But I imagined them walking themselves over to the tree, and that is exactly what they did.
"Wow," said Adrian. "You're getting good at this dream manipulation stuff."
"It's not difficult," I said. "It's sort of like... geometry and physics." I slipped my feet into the flip-flops and walked through the door. Adrian followed after me and closed the door behind us. We were in his room now, and Adrian immediately leaped onto his unmade bed and patted the space next to him.
"Come on, lie down here with me," he said.
"I'm not going to..." I started to say, but he cut me off.
"And who says that I'm going to either? You have a very high opinion of yourself, you know. Not undeserved, of course. But come on! Just lie down. I promise I will be a gentleman."
I hesitated, but the truth was, I really did trust him. I slipped back out of the flip-flops and lay down on one side of the bed. We both got onto our sides so that we were facing each other, and pulled the sheets and blankets over us. I was astonished at how quickly things had changed. Just twenty-four hours ago I hadn't ever kissed anyone, and now here I was crawling into a bed with a guy. A vampire, to be exact. Not a vampire, I said to myself. Adrian. I'm crawling into bed with Adrian.
"What are we doing here?" I asked.
"We're going to go to sleep," he said. "You'll see. I'm going to try to ease both of us into normal sleep. Then you'll wake up when your alarm goes off, and I'll wake up... sometime this afternoon, probably." I laughed a little, and we got a little closer. We still weren't touching, though. I felt like I had to almost whisper, as if someone was going to come in and tell us to be quiet.
"I've never slept in a bed with silk sheets," I said.
"You should try it sometime," he said, and I smiled.
"Is your... body... asleep right now?" I asked.
"Yeah, pretty much. I mean, not 100%, you know? I have to be awake to initiate the spirit dream, usually, but then I fall asleep. When I break the connection, I wake up. And so does the other person, I'm pretty sure."
"I woke up after I left Rome," I said. "I couldn't fall back asleep afterward."
"Right," he said. "It's annoying. So, I had an idea. What if we went to sleep in the dream? Then maybe we'd pass from a spirit dream into a normal one. Plus," he added, stroking my hair, "I want to fall asleep with you here with me. Even if I can't wake up with you, it'd be nice to sleep with you. I mean," he added, hurriedly, "go to sleep with you."
He lay on his back and pulled me closer. I lay my head on his chest, my cheek against his bare skin.
"Are these your pajamas?" he asked. His voice was soft in my ear, and as he spoke, I felt the vibration in his chest. "The ones you're wearing right now, in real life?"
"Yes," I said. "You? Is this what you're wearing right now, too?"
"Almost," he said. I couldn't see his face, but I could hear the smile in his voice.
"Let me guess," I said. "In reality, you're naked?"
"Wrong, Sage!" he said. "In reality, I'm wearing a shirt, too."
I leaned back and got up on one elbow to look him in the eye. "Then why aren't you wearing one in the dream? Are you just showing off?"
He grinned at me. "You chose it," he said.
"What?"
"Your subconscious chose the forest location, and it also chose my... wardrobe. Apparently, you like me half-naked." I was too astonished to answer. "You should see the look on your face!" he said, gleefully, and gave me a kiss on my forehead, which was pretty much all he could reach at the moment.
I fell back on the bed, a little ways away him.
"What?" he said, propping himself up on an elbow to look at me. "Are you embarrassed?"
"Kind of," I said.
"Look, Sydney," he said. I didn't move. "I mean it! Look at me!" I sat up slightly to meet his eyes. "You shouldn't be so ashamed all the time. You're a living creature, you know? It is absolutely normal to want to see or touch or kiss someone that you care about. I feel incredibly lucky that you want to see and touch and kiss me. So never, ever feel ashamed of the things you want, because you're wonderful, just as you are."
"Thank you," I said. The words seemed inadequate compared to what he had said, so I gave him a quick, fierce kiss.
"Yes, I am a lucky guy," he said. "I'd ask for a few more of those kisses, but we really should go to sleep." We cuddled back up together. I rested my face on his chest and folded one leg over him. He put his arms around me and rested his head slightly against mine. I couldn't believe how neatly I fit with him. I didn't know I could ever be so comfortable so close to another person.
"Ok," he whispered. "Just relax and go to sleep. I don't know if it'll work, but I'll do my best."
"Don't do it right away," I whispered. "I want to stay here another minute or two."
We just lay there quietly. He was stroking my hair, and I was listening to his heart. I felt perfectly calm and at peace.
Next thing I knew, I woke up at the alarm. I was folded into exactly the same position as I had been in Adrian's bed, but now I was in my own narrow dorm bed. Alone. I sat up, wide awake and grinning like an idiot.
I got up and got ready for that morning's self-defense practice. I kept breaking into laughter as Eddie and I ran through moves, and when Jill made a lunging attack to me, I actually just grabbed her into a hug. They kept exchanging glances, but I couldn't school my expression into something more staid, and I didn't feel like trying.
When I went back to the dorm and did all the normal morning things, I felt like everything looked different than it usually did. I wanted to sing in the shower. I wanted to write a sonnet about the pine needle I found in my hair. I wanted to dance as I dried off with my towel. I wanted to tell random people in the hallway that life was sweet and wonderful. It was cheesy as heck, but I had just found out something important about feeling like this, which was that you don't mind when you're inside it. It's only annoying to be looking at it from the outside, which is how I'd always seen it before.
When I was dressed, I picked up my phone to text Rose. I was surprised to see that there was already a text from Adrian. It said: "Venice tonight?"
I didn't really care where we were going. I was going to go somewhere with Adrian – what did it matter? I texted him a smiley face, probably the first time I my life I had ever communicated via emoticon. Then, I texted a smiley face to Rose for good measure. Let her sort that out.
I stared at myself in the mirror, trying to see if all the things that had changed on the inside were showing at all on the outside. I ran my fingers through my hair, remembering how it had felt when Adrian did that, and stopped dead still when a thought occurred to me.
I had found a pine needle in my hair in the shower.
When had it gotten stuck in my hair? It had to have been during self-defense practice, right?
I went back to the bathrooms and found the pine needle where I had left it, on the shelf in the shower. It was actually two medium-length pine needles that had grown together in a single tuft, and the tuft looked like it came from pinus ponderosa scopulorum, the Rocky Mountains ponderosa pine. Of course, various sub-species of ponderosa pine, including scopulorum, were common all across the Western US. It had to be just a coincidence.
The thing was, though, that I didn't tend to believe in coincidences.
I set the pine-needle tuft on my windowsill, and stared at it for a long time before I went down to breakfast.
Updated September 3, 2012.
