The days flew by all too fast. I had talked to PJ everyday since first chatting with him on facebook.
I stood in front of the bathroom mirror. I ran a brush through my hair for the tenth time, while checking the clock on my phone. He wasn't late. He still had almost an hour before he was suppose to show up. I nervously took a deep breath. I walked out of the bathroom and looked around my tiny apartment. I looked for things out of place. Nothing jumped out, until I sat down at my desk and opened my laptop. That's when I noticed the half empty bottle of Jack sitting next to me. It wasn't out of place. But I knew that PJ would see it. He wasn't against drinking, just the way I drunk. I drunk for the pain to go away, to feel numb, and every time I had to drink more and more to get the same feeling that would disappeared all too soon. I had learned to live with the rejection from my father and his family. I still had one aunt. My mom's sister, who I had become close with. As close as I could get to anyone that wasn't Paul. He was the only person who knew all of my secrets. At least my old secrets. He had no idea about the new stuff I was doing, or what I had done since he had left.
I picked up the bottle and twisted my wrist, making the liquid inside twirl like a tornado. I watched it until it was still. I unscrewed the top and took a deep breath. Then I quickly twisted the lid back on and walked to the kitchen, placing it high in a cabinet. I closed the door and stepped back. I knew I needed to stop the bad stuff or I would have no chance at getting back into the good grace's of PJ. I wasn't sure what he wanted with me anyway. But I could use a good friend. And if that's all he was looking for it would be enough to just have him back in my life.
What if he ran from me again? I knew he was busy with his profession, and I could deal with it, as long as he called. But what if he saw me, and realized how broken I was? He was always great at reading me, even when I could hide something from everyone else, he could pick up on it. My hands reached for the cabinet, but as I started opening it, there was a knock on my front door.
I jumped, slamming the cabinet door closed. I took a few deep breaths as I walked to the front door. It was still early, I knew it wouldn't be him, but my heart still was pounding in my chest. I looked through the peep hole, and my breath was caught in my throat. There he stood, a smile on his face, and flowers in his hand.
I opened the door and took a step back.
His smile grew. "Hey, Sugar. Sorry I'm early. I didn't really know the area, so I left early just in case I got lost." He held the flowers out in front of him. "For you."
"Thank you." I said softly. "Come in." I said, taking the flowers and smelling them. "Let me put these in some water." I said, walking to the counter and pulling a vase from under the sink. When I was done, I turned and saw he was still standing in front of the door, watching me. I grinned and walked over to him.
"Sorry. Didn't I say come in?" I asked, closing the door. When I turned back he was right there.
He pushed the few strands of hair out of my eyes, as his lips crashed onto mine. His arms wrapped around me, and I followed suit, pulling him closer to me.
"I've missed you, Claire." He breathed as his lips moved to the side of my neck, causing chills to rise on my skin. I let my head fall back and a small moan escaped my lips, and I felt his lips turn into a grin. I tried to keep my hands out of his perfect hair, but I couldn't contain them. His hands raised up to my shoulders, pulling my tank top and bra strap to the side, as his lips continued their tour of my upper half. I let my hands slide down from his hair, to his back, sliding them up the back of his shirt. He took the hint and pulled it off, tossing it behind us. He then reached for the bottom of my shirt, stopping for a second to look at me. I pushed him back a few steps, until he was next to my bed. I gently pushed him onto my bed, straddling him. I pulled my tank top off. He smiled up at me, before pulling my lips back to his.
I caught my breath as he kissed my forehead, his arms pulling me closer to him. I reached down and pulled the sheet up over our naked bodies.
"Well, I refrained longer than I thought I would." He chuckled.
"What does that mean?" I asked, leaning up on my elbow so I could see his face.
He smiled at me. "I figured it would happen on your porch, so the fact that you got the door closed was a miracle."
I playfully slapped his chest, laughing. "You're still so devious." I kissed his chest softly, then laid my head on him."So what did you want to do tonight?" I giggled.
"I did what I wanted to do." He said, running his hand through my hair, making me look up at him. "God, you're still just as gorgeous as I remember." His compliment made me blush. He smiled.
"You still blush at my compliments. I always loved that." He grinned. "I have worked up an appetite, if you're hungry?" I agreed.
After dinner, we ended up on the beach. He knew it was one of my favorite places. He sat down and pulled me onto his lap, wrapping his arms around me.
"You know I have to ask, Claire." He said softly.
"Ask what?" I said.
"What's wrong?" He asked. "Why are you so sad?"
"How can you always read me so well?" I asked.
"I know you. But you're avoiding the question." He said, turning me sideways so that he could see my face. I turned and looked out at the ocean, trying to hide the pain in my eyes, but he reached around and turned my face to his. "What is it?"
"There's so much. If you knew, you wouldn't want me." I said.
"You can't just keep it inside." He said. "I'm here, no matter what."
"No, you won't be. Once I tell you, you'll leave. Just like everyone who has found out." I said, not able to keep my tears inside. I desperately needed a taste of the jack I had put in my cabinet.
"Is it drugs?" He asked.
I shook my head. "No. Nothing illegal. I stopped that when I moved here."
"But there was?" He asked. "What?"
"What wasn't there? It was anything and everything the guy I was seeing would give me." I said. "Sarah finally talked some sense into me and I left him. I got cleaned up, and moved. But once I started my new problems, she couldn't take it anymore. I haven't talked to her in months. I just found you. I don't want to push you away too." I cried.
"Alcohol?" He asked. I nodded. "How much? How often?"
"A lot. Everyday." I said.
"You know, working at a bar sure doesn't help the fact." He said.
"I don't drink while I'm at work. It keeps me busy, I don't have much down time to think, so I never crave it while I'm there." I said.
"Why are you drinking Claire?" Paul asked.
"To get away from the pain. The awful feelings I have." I said.
"Feelings, like before? Where you were in the hospital?" His eyes grew big.
"No. Nothing like that. Just what I'm doing. I know it's wrong. I know I should stop. But it's like I replace one addiction for another, each time trying to find something that won't kill me." I said.
"You're not talking about drinking are you?" He asked. I shook my head. "Then what is it?"
I climbed off his lap and started walking, knowing I had to tell him, but also knowing that he would most likely leave me when he knew. He jogged to catch up to me, walking next to me, as I let the waves wash over the tops of my feet.
"It's not something I'm proud of. Nothing I do has ever been anything to be proud of." I said, taking a deep breath. "I sleep with men for money." I said. He stopped in his tracks. I took a few more steps, then stopped, hanging my head.
"I told you it was awful. I should have told you before I slept with you. I'm sorry, PJ."
"I don't know what to say." He said. "Why?"
"It makes me feel wanted, at least for a few minutes." I admitted. "I understand if it's too much for you to handle. It is for me too, that's why I drink. To forget what I have done. To forget how awful of a person I am."
He walked up to me and lifted my chin. My eyes locked with him. "Do I make you feel wanted?"
"Always. I haven't slept with anyone since I have been talking with you. And just so you know, there was always protection used." He placed one finger over my lips.
"Will you stop, if you have me?" He asked.
"You don't always have to be my savior." I said.
"So I was told that I need to change my ring name." Paul said. He had called me so excited that he was getting called up. I had flown in, to spend his last few days with him while he got ready to go on tour with the WWE.
"Why? I like your ring name. It really fits you." I smiled. "Justin Angel. You're like an angel in the ring."
He grinned. "Thanks, Sugar. But they want a change."
"Well, no matter what, you'll always be my personal angel." I said softly.
"What?" He asked grinning.
"You know you are. You're like my personal Archangel Gabriel, you bring truth and light into my world." I smiled at him.
"Hm, Justin Gabriel. I like that. Maybe I'll run it passed them and see if they like it." He grinned.
"That's not why I came." PJ said. "I came because I missed you. I wanted to see you."
"But you knew before you came that I was having troubles." I said.
"I could see the sadness in your eyes. The same sadness that I saw when I came to the hospital. I was worried. But that's not the only reason I came." He said. "I didn't come here to save you. The reason I came was much more selfish. I came because I wanted to see you, to feel you in my arms again. I came here for my own personal needs and wants. I put my wants first. My needs first. I didn't think about what it would do to you. That it may hurt you. I'm sorry if that's what I have done."
"You haven't." I said. "But I know that you had to know the truth. I knew I should have told you before you came, but was too afraid that you wouldn't come. I'm sorry." I said, looking away again.
"Ek sal altyd kom. Jy is my wêreld. My liefde vir jou. Ek is lief vir jou." He said in his first language.
"I will always come. You are my world. My love is for you. I love you." He breathed into my ear. His fingers reached under my chin, pulling my face towards his, as his lips found mine.
