October 12th 2001
"No, no, no, you've got to be kidding me." Will expected this call, as soon as Grace got a chance to pick up the phone. She would dial the numbers and ask him if he heard about Stan. He had just gotten through explaining everything, from the ordeal from the previous night, up until the point where he invited Karen to stay with them. Well, that wasn't necessarily true; he neglected to inform her about the conversation they had last night, the encounter on the balcony this morning. Once he heard his cell phone ring, he knew immediately that she would be on the other line. He stayed downstairs in Karen's home while she was upstairs collecting some of her belongings to take back to the apartment.
"Grace…" he started.
"No, Karen can't stay with us. Have you seen the way she treats me during the day? Now I have to live with that twenty-four/seven? You know I love her, but really, there's only so much of her I can take. By the way, thanks for telling me about Stan. You know I had to find out about it from the Post this morning?"
"Look, you weren't there last night. You didn't see her while everything was happening. It's hard to explain, but I think she feels safe at the apartment. Grace, she needs someone right now; I just think it makes sense if it's me. She can talk to me, because I was there beside her, watching them completely destroy everything around her. If I back out now, that just shakes things up even more, and I can't do that to her."
"Will, I get that. I do. It just would have been nice to be informed so I could express my opinion about it. I mean, last time I checked, I do live there."
"Didn't want to wake Sleeping Beauty. At least I told you now; would you rather have had me try to hide the fact that she's there?"
Silence.
"There's something deeper than what you laid out for me," she said softly. "I just can't figure it out yet. But there's more to this than you're letting on."
Footsteps coming closer. Karen. "Grace, I have to go. We'll be home soon. Please try not to make a big deal about all of this." Will hung up the phone and stuck it back in his pocket, looked up to see her struggling with a suitcase. "Need help?" he said as he ran up the stairs to meet her halfway. Before she could tell him she was fine, he took the suitcase from her hands; she knew it would have gone that way even if she had a chance to protest.
He took her hand and led her towards the door.
And she looked down at their entwined fingers in confusion and sadness.
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Oh god. What was she thinking?
It wasn't like she planned it; but isn't that the cliché that everyone uses to make it seem okay? Will was the smart one. He was the one to ask her if this is truly what she wanted right now. I wouldn't have kissed you again if I thought last night was a mistake. In her defense, she didn't give him a straight-out "yes." He shouldn't have really taken it as a "yes." It was his fault for believing what he wanted to believe.
She would have been able to tell herself this without any problem if she hadn't been the one to initiate.
Everything was true; she meant what she said about Stan. But she never expected to betray him. And if she stopped now, she wouldn't have to. But she wasn't sure if she even wanted to stop. Wait. Stop. Pull away from the moment. Evaluate the situation; it's the least she could do. Give it some time before you jump right in again.
If only she had taken that advice years ago.
Right after her previous marriage had shown the first signs of demise, she had crossed paths with Stan for the first time. And as soon as he showed the slightest bit of interest in her, she threw herself in completely. By the time she found out that Stan was still married, she convinced herself that she would wait as long as it took for him to finally be hers. And looking back now, it scared her that she was actually capable of something like that. It scared her that she was still capable of something like that.
She had a fear of being left alone. Beginning when her father died, and her mother started doing unspeakable things to get by. It was obvious when she ran into the arms of Stan when her last marriage wasn't working. Made painstakingly clear when she stayed with him even though he was married, waited around until he finally put the ring on her finger. It was the reason for her actions last night and this morning; even though she seemed of sound mind, truth be told, she was merely repeating a cycle she told herself countless times before that she had to break.
And she didn't even realize it until he took her hand. This was the house where she played wife to Stanley Walker. This was the place that contained the life they built. And when she felt his fingers begin to weave with hers, she felt as though she were smashing apart everything she had believed to be real. She felt as though she were violating some sort of code, some sort of law. She felt as though she and Stan should switch places.
But he showed a slight interest in her; he seemed like he was willing to keep her company. And that, mixed with the fear, was enough to get her to risk everything.
Will helped her unpack—that's what he said he was doing; in actuality, he did all the unpacking while Karen leaned against the doorframe—and clear out a couple drawers and some closet space in his bedroom so that she would have room to keep her clothes. This man was willing to give up his own bed, to sleep on the couch so she would be comfortable. He kept Grace at bay when Karen knew that she wasn't too thrilled about the latest houseguest. He was so certain that this was the right thing, that what was happening was okay. So why wasn't she able to see what he so clearly could?
Her mother had inadvertently and unknowingly taught her that you couldn't be on your own and survive. Lessons learned from man after man she scammed, the money she earned from doing it. Karen always knew that this wasn't the way to live; she knew that if she had to, she would probably be able to live alone and make a living for herself. But because she never had an example to base everything on, she didn't know what it looked like, and to go off without a precedent scared her.
She watched as Will finished up. She could see herself in his arms. She could see herself happy with him, if it ever came to that. They hadn't talked about what happened this morning at all. Maybe he was beginning to think that they should cool off before they sink any further. Maybe if she kept some sort of distance, she would be able to figure things out and go from there. His voice jerked her back into reality.
"Is this okay?" he said when he was done.
"Yeah, honey. It's perfect. Thank you."
He smiled and walked towards the doorway, planted a kiss on her cheek as he left. She walked into the bedroom and threw herself on the bed. He wanted this; he wanted what she had given him this morning. She wasn't fully expecting that. She was trapped in a sea of confusion, and despite her best efforts, she was beginning to drown.
If only he hadn't held her hand. She would have been fine if she hadn't been made aware that this was merely continuing the cycle.
