A/N: Set directly after Season4Ep2 'Escaped'. Meaning, pretty much after the credits roll. 'She Is' by The Fray


She was his comfort.

It wasn't just about the sex even though the sex was mind-blowing, to speak mildly. It may have been once, at the very beginning, but that had become something deeper still, even when neither of them had been mature enough or ready enough to handle the consequences. And so, it had ended, bitterly and suddenly. Even then, though, before it had fallen apart so painfully, she had been something for him that he hadn't realized he held so close.

It was so much different now, and so eerily the same. They were older, they'd had time to look at their mistakes and make thousands more, and still they'd refused to see what was right in front of their eyes until something had almost taken away any chance they had to ever say what neither one of them ever could.

It had been devastating when she left, and seeing her everyday suddenly, after six years of no contact, had reminded him of just how deep that betrayal had cut. He'd been angry to see her so aloof, so blithely unaffected, he thought, by the unresolved issues and the explosive past they harbored. He wasted time trying to cling to his partner Jenny instead of exploring who she was now, as the Director, and he'd ignored the way he was hurting her to stew in his own contempt for what she'd done so many years ago.

And when he'd woken up from that explosion, so confused and so lost, wanting nothing more than to hold Kelley close and kiss Shannon one last time, it had been her face and her dull, hurting eyes that had soothed that ache in his soul. Yet it hadn't been enough. He left even though he could see the plea in her green eyes and he was so glad and so sorry at the same moment that he was hurting her, and walking away like she'd walked away from him.

He ignored her because he wanted her and he needed her after that dark time, and he wasn't willing to put that vulnerability in her destructive hands and watch her drop it all in pieces on the floor again.

So he left, and sat half-drunk on a beach in Mexico for three months, thinking about Shannon and Kelley and all that he'd lost and how she had always been able to chase the demons away without a word.

Do not get me wrong
I cannot wait
For you to come home.
For now you're not here
And I'm not there
It's like we're on our own
To figure it out,
Consider how
To find a place to stand
Instead of walking away and
Instead of nowhere to land.

When he'd come back, dragged from his alcohol-induced oblivion and thrust back into the real world in order to help the people he considered family, that look in her eye was gone. The green orbs were cold and guarded, like they'd been in her first few days as Director, and he looked at her across the desk, vague memories of Serbia and hot summer trysts surfacing, knowing he'd probably ruined the one chance he had and feeling anger at himself and his stubbornness boil his blood at the thought.

This is going to break me clean in two
This is going to bring me close to you

Still, she had come walking down his basements steps as regally as always in her ever-present heels, keeping her emotions tactfully in check and her pretty eyes expertly empty as she said her words. He read into it a want for him to say he would stay for her sake, even though he knew if she knew that's what he was thinking, she'd hate him even if it was true.

She turned to go, and it was been too much. He couldn't let her walk out again, not when the absence of Corona in his system for more than twenty-four hours was bringing back all the pain he'd been pushing away and ignoring all summer. He could see Kelley's smiling face again and he couldn't blink it away, but it was only Kelley this time; beyond her he could see Jenny, paused on the stairs, looking at him with softened eyes, saying his name softly.

Next thing he knew he was holding onto her, the closest to crying he'd been since he lost his family. He pulled her closer and closer, finding solace in the way she fit against him and wrapped her arms around his shoulders while she tucked her head under his chin and let him draw strength from her.

He couldn't speak a syllable beyond her name. She was tense, fighting the pull to get wrapped up in this again and at the same time remembering how good it had been and how much better it might be. Her hands soothed his nerves. He was flooded by too many emotions to deal with: the hurt, the old anger at her and the anger at himself for hurting her when he left and not letting her comfort him then. She was what he wanted the whole time and he was just too proud to give in.

She is everything I need that I never knew I wanted
She is everything I want that I never knew I needed

There had been no thoughts to the consequences that night; she hadn't said a word. She just knew what he needed and had been there to provide it, even though he asked her three months too late, even though she had every right to slap him in the face and walk out. They'd played with fire and burned each other relentlessly, seeing who could hit the other hardest in just the right spot; it was a miracle their once-romantic relationship hadn't been damaged beyond repair.

He'd stumbled up to bed with her, drinking in her kisses and her scent, knotting his hands in the red hair he saw in his dreams and sinking his fingertips into her fair skin, hell-bent on having her close all night. It was a night that had been in the making since she walked back into his life: desperate, passionate, sweaty, raw, and riddled alternately with lust and need.

Nothing hurt as much when she was touching him, when he was wrapped up in her. It had always been that way, in Paris, Positano, always. She understood. She wasn't like the others, women who hadn't faced an obstacle or a tragedy in their lives; she had her demons and she knew what it was like to hurt and be incapable of speaking about it until it was left to eat you up inside.

He breathed her in, held her close, used her to chase away the pain.

She made him feel, made him gasp her name, replacing crushing numbness with heat and remembrance of what it was like to be alive. He ran his hands up her silken legs around his waist, eyes closed; listening to the sounds she made when he touched her and clinging to that, selfishly glad that she needed him as much as he needed her even if they'd both die before owning to that kind of dependence on another person.

It's all up in the air
And we stand
Still to see what comes down
I don't know where it is,
I don't know when,
But I want you around
When it falls into place with you and I,
We go from if to when.
Your side and mine are both
Behind its indication.

The sheets were a mess, he was a mess, and she stayed close. He'd expected her to leave, with regret and anger in her eyes, but she wrapped herself around him in the twisted and warm sheets, laying her head next to his on the pillows, her mouth pressed gently against his shoulder and her legs still tangled up with his.

He threaded his hand through her hair, resting his palm on her cheek and holding her, needing to feel her still, healed by the feel of her heart beat coming down slowly against his chest as her breathing evened slightly. She swallowed, he felt the movement against his shoulder, and he knew somehow that she was crying, but he wouldn't acknowledge it.

Her arm stretched across his chest, her hand flattening out against his skin, running back and forth over his abdomen and ribs. She didn't say a word; he could hear her thinking, hear her berating herself for this and asking why she was setting herself up for a fall again. He saw how this could almost parallel what had happened last time, but it was more dangerous and yet easier at the same time.

This is going to bring me clarity
This'll take the heart right out of me

God, he didn't want it to end like that again. It couldn't, he knew that; it would be worse. If they had to see it end again and then face each other day to day, neither one of them would last. But if he had her to look at when he came home at the end of the day, her eyes to seek out when the case he'd handled had been particularly grating, it might make it that much more bearable.

She pressed her kiss to his shoulder, then to the dip between his collarbone and neck, leaning forward, her hair falling over his chest like a curtain. He tugged on her arm gently and pulled her on top of him, pulling her trembling mouth to his and kissing her selfishly, drawing her in and chasing her pro and con thoughts away. He watched her close her eyes and sink into him, her hands stretching out to lay with his on the bed, entwining fingers.

She is everything I want that I never knew I wanted
She is everything I want that I never knew I needed

He was an idiot for ever thinking he could go through this alone. Drowning memories and feelings in bourbon worked blissfully for the hours the alcohol raged through his system, but what then, when it was gone? He could only sand away so many imperfections on a damn boat before he had to face his own.

She'd always made him face his faults; he'd always made her own up to hers in fights that made them scream and yell and almost hate each other. They were better people because if it. She complemented him. She mirrored him. When he saw her darkness seep into her eyes, and tried to mediate when she got out of control, overstepped her bounds, he was sharply reminded of himself. It was always a cause to make him stop, to make him watch his step.

She drew her hands up his arms, touching his face, pressing her fingers against his lips. Stretching out, she rested her head on his chest at his neck, her small hand squeezing his shoulder and slipping down to draw circles on his skin. He shifted his arms and ran them through her damp curls again, tracing her spine, and her arms, and the back of her thighs where he could reach.

This is going to bring me to my knees.
I just want to hold you close to me.

Her shoulders shivered, and she sighed against him, kissing his shoulder. He knew she would stay with him through the night, let him hold her and touch her. It was easy to be with someone who knew your sins and who'd seen you laid bare. Someone you knew didn't judge you.

She pushed herself up, shifting to the side and pulling on his shoulder until he followed her and held himself over her so he wouldn't hurt her, pressing kisses to her neck below her ear as she arched her back and dug her nails into his back. She lifted her knee, pressing her thigh against his waist, pulling him closer, and he read it in her now unguarded eyes that she didn't give a damn about the consequences anymore.

She is everything I want that I never knew I needed
She is everything I need that I never knew I wanted

She made him feel something other than loss and bitter anger at the world when she pulled at his hair and moaned his name into his shoulder, biting him gently, letting him find comfort inside her. She knew what she was to him. He just hadn't let himself see it because he was so against letting himself feel anything like this again. He wanted to feel it now, before he let the chance slip through his fingers the way he already almost had. As she arched into him and he shuddered against her, her name falling from his lips, he knew he'd be able to face work and the team tomorrow because she was there, and because she was here.

She is everything. She is everything.


xoxo

Alexa