After convincing Kaidan to try to sleep for a few hours, Garrus made plans.
His friend was right, of course – they'd regret it forever if they didn't search the wreckage of the Citadel for Shepard. Though he wished otherwise, he was too logical to think they'd find anything.
Kaidan would want to be out there searching the second he woke up, with no thought in his mind but Shepard's safety, and he couldn't blame him – the man had lost her once already, and Garrus worried about what would happen if he'd lost her again. But he knew Kaidan never could think clearly where Shepard was concerned, and if they actually wanted to have a chance of finding her, they needed to organize their efforts.
So he went to Hackett.
"I doubt you'll find many bodies in that wreckage, much less Shepard's," the Admiral said, looking up from the datapad in his hand. Garrus had tracked him down in one of the temporary command centers, where he coordinated several search and rescue efforts, dispatched a squadron of marines to escort civilians to a safe zone, and ignored the cold sandwich an aide had set on his desk.
"I know."
"Thought you might. And Alenko?"
"That's... hard to say."
Hackett gave him a sidelong glance, and Garrus couldn't help his mandibles flaring. "You know them better than anyone, and if you can tell me anything, I'll do what I can to get you some help." He set the datapad down on his desk, sighing and rubbing the bridge of his nose. "I'm gonna be honest with you here, Vakarian. Alenko is a hell of a soldier. He's a hero people can look up to. And right now, humanity needs to know that some of its heroes survived this fight."
He hesitated, but nodded. "I'm not sure how well you knew Kaidan before..."
"Not as well as I should have," Hackett admitted. "Shepard's crew was more Anderson's territory."
"After Shepard died, saying 'Kaidan didn't take it well' would be a hell of an understatement. Cut off contact with all of us, threw himself into work-"
"That I know. Horizon didn't go well because the colonists didn't trust the Alliance, not because he wasn't working hard enough."
Garrus paused, turning and pacing for a moment. On one hand, he felt like he was betraying his friend's trust. On the other, he and Shepard weren't exactly secretive about their relationship. "I'm sure you're aware that he and Shepard are close."
Hackett nodded.
"Honestly, Admiral? Once he realizes he's lost her again..." Garrus's stomach churned at the thought – Kaidan wasn't the only one who wouldn't take it well once all hope was truly gone. "This time, I doubt any of us will be able to make him want to stay."
"On Earth? Or..."
He shook his head.
Hackett swore under his breath. "You're sure?"
"Positive."
"Understood." He turned back to his datapad, flipping through screens before tapping on the display a few times. "I'll have a dozen marines ready to help you in an hour."
He blinked. "Just like that?"
"Problem, Vakarian?" The corners of Hackett's mouth quirked in what was almost a smile.
Garrus couldn't help a laugh, though it sounded more tired than he'd have liked. "Just thought it'd be harder than that."
Hackett reached down to pick up his datapad again. "You and Shepard won this war for us," he said. "It's past time the rest of us did something for you."
"You know he shouldn't be doing this."
A woman's voice chided Garrus as he approached the field hospital, and he turned toward the sound to see the little brown-haired doctor from earlier smoking a cigarette near the entrance. Apparently Hackett's orders allowing Kaidan to leave had gone through, and she didn't look pleased, crossing her arms and staring him down.
"Not my call," he replied.
"No, it isn't," she agreed. "And it isn't Admiral Hackett's, either." She sighed, taking a long drag of her cigarette. "Look, I'm sorry about Commander Shepard. And I appreciate what you did and all the sacrifices you made. I really do. But speaking as his doctor, Major Alenko should not be leaving the hospital. He almost died twenty-four hours ago, and you dragging him out on a wild goose chase for her body will just make it harder for him to realize she's gone."
Before this, Garrus might have argued with her, might have told her how she didn't know him or Kaidan or how they all felt about Shepard, filled with righteous anger at her dismissal of Shepard and that she didn't trust them to do what was best.
But now, he just felt empty.
"Nothing could make this harder than it already is," he said, and stepped past her into the tent.
Kaidan was exactly where he'd last seen him, but he'd changed into a set of ill-fitting Alliance blues. He was trying to finish some kind of protein bar, though his heart clearly wasn't in it, as a nurse stood nearby to make sure he ate.
"Feeling all right, Kaidan?" he asked. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the doctor duck inside the tent.
"I'll be better once we've found her," he replied. He swung his legs over the edge of the bed, trying to stand, but his knees started to give out the instant he put his weight on them. Garrus reached out to catch him before he fell over, but Kaidan leaned back against the bed to steady himself. Their eyes met for a second, a silent question in Garrus's gaze, but Kaidan shook his head. "It's fine," he insisted.
He nodded, and he followed Kaidan out, allowing him to set the pace.
"Be careful, Major," the doctor said, hands on her hips as she watched him wobble toward the exit. "Don't push yourself too hard. You have serious head trauma-"
"Shepard's out there," he replied, meeting her eyes. "I'm not coming back until I find her."
She sighed and nodded, and he turned and pushed through the tent flap.
Garrus followed without a word, but the doctor's hand shot out and grabbed his elbow, stopping him in place. She locked eyes with him, her cold blue accusatory even before she spoke. "I hope you know what you're doing. Trust me when I say that doing this could kill him."
He yanked his arm free and glared down at her, trying to keep a hold on all the emotions he'd bottled up. "You're trying to keep him alive. That's fine. But so am I. We're Shepard's crew, and trust me when I tell you that we take care of each other."
He glanced out after his friend, standing at the edge of one of the very few mostly-cleared streets of London as people rushed past. His shoulders were slumped, and though Garrus couldn't see his face, he knew exactly how he looked.
Hopeless.
"Staying here would kill him," he said quietly, then pushed past her after Kaidan.
Hackett was better than his word – the marines were waiting outside the hospital by the time Garrus joined Kaidan, and they all recognized the two of them, offering thanks and congratulations on the victory. They accepted it as best they could, but Garrus hung back, allowing Kaidan to receive the majority of the attention.
Once they'd all started walking toward the area where most of the Citadel rubble had come to earth, they realized that the marines wouldn't be the only ones to notice them. Everyone was busy with their assigned tasks, but they all saw the two of them anyway – being flanked by a dozen marines probably didn't do any favors there. People would stop to salute, smile, or offer a word of thanks. He and Kaidan exchanged a glance. Was this what it was going to be like?
His omnitool beeped with a message, and he waved for the group to pause at the next corner.
"Can't believe you got me out of there," Kaidan said. He'd looked fine while walking, though he was definitely moving slower than normal. He leaned back against a collapsed wall, casually catching his breath, and Garrus joined him. "Getting out of a hospital and ignoring a doctor's orders, Hackett pulling strings, and a dozen marines for heavy lifting? Wish we could've gotten this kind of help sooner."
"Now that everyone's safe, people will have more 'help' for you than you'll know what to do with," Garrus replied, glancing down at his omnitool again.
"That how it was on Omega?"
"Fortunately, no. The 'Archangel' thing helped, and my face and contact information weren't shown on every extranet site," he replied, making Kaidan smile. "And the people on Omega didn't exactly have a lot to give. These people... Everyone's going to do favors for you now, Kaidan. Just remember that they're all going to want something in return."
"If they can help me find Shepard, I'll do whatever the hell they want."
"I doubt we'll need their help." He pushed off the wall to smile down the street. "We're a pretty self-sufficient bunch." The rest of the Normandy crew was walking toward them, the setting sun behind them casting long shadows down the street.
"Everybody?" Kaidan asked, actual surprise in his voice.
Garrus turned and caught his eye. "We're not giving up on her."
He smiled as the others approached. "Good to see you all made it."
They had, but not without scars. Liara's arm was in a sling, her shoulder dislocated when she'd barely caught herself before being thrown off a roof; Vega walked with a crutch, his foot and lower leg in a brace after part of a wall had collapsed on top of him; Javik's left side was covered in medigel and bandages for burns from jumping between a civilian and an explosion; Tali's suit had been hastily repaired after a frag grenade had gone off close, too close, and she had a fever and other internal problems from the suit punctures. Even Wrex had joined them, sporting a few new scars that Garrus was sure he'd hear stories about later. Joker was the last to arrive, followed by EDI, looking almost comical carrying a huge backpack of supplies in each hand.
They all stood together for a long moment. Krogan, turian, asari, quarian, prothean, AI, and human, but a family nonetheless.
The Reapers were gone. They'd saved their worlds, their galaxy, once and for all time. But they'd gone through so much and lost so many in the process.
Was being the hero worth it? Garrus wondered, and he hated not knowing the answer, but there were too many faces missing from their group, too many losses for any of them to bear alone. For a moment, he'd swear he'd caught a glimpse of a human's dark hair and scarred white armor, a salarian's broken horn, a drell's black eyes and quirked smile, a geth's broken N7 armor. But he knew they couldn't be there, and all he saw were saw slumped shoulders, exhaustion, the look of those who hadn't slept well in months.
No one spoke, just sharing a moment of silence for everyone they'd lost. But it felt, too, like they were waiting for something, and Garrus realized that they were all so used to Shepard being there. She was supposed to say something, to make a speech and raise the spirits of those who thought they didn't have any more to give, as she had so many times before.
He thought back to when he was chasing Sidonis, how he was so consumed by his need for vengeance, but Shepard had been there to stop him and remind him who he was, who he was supposed to be. He thought of Tali's near-exile from the fleet, saved by Shepard's righteous fury at the admirals for daring to hurt one of her crew. He thought of Grunt's confusion about who he was before Shepard helped him join Clan Urdnot, of Liara's desperate search for her friend trapped by the Shadow Broker, of Wrex's desire to save his people and Mordin's need for redemption. He remembered the look of anguish on Kaidan's face when he saw Shepard again on Horizon, and their breathless grins when they'd come back after their date on the Citadel.
Shepard had made everything they'd done possible, and he couldn't imagine how different, how wrong everything would be without her.
Kaidan finally broke the silence, clearing his throat quietly, and they all turned to look at him. "Let's go find her," was all he said, and the group moved as one toward the remains of the Citadel.
