Akkarin and Takan go to market!

Disclaimer: The Black Magicians Trilogy belongs to Trudi Caravan.

" So, what's on the agenda today?" asked Akkarin cheerfully, as he got ready to start on the day's breakfast.

"Lets see." said Takan, lifting the list they had completed yesterday after dinner. "Apparently, we have to drain the guild, go to the market, hire mercenaries and invade Sachaka."

Akkarin paused as his spoon was about to enter his mouth. "Go to the market? What is that for?"

"Well, in those old texts it says the lives of many a fine livestock gave his live in a vain attempt to supply the magicians with enough magic to kill the evil guy. So, we thought we go and buy some livestock and drain them." said Takan.

Fear and dread filled Akkarin. "But Takan… there might be more ducks there." said Akkarin, fear evident in his eyes.

"On a lighter note, Sonea appears convinced that the old soup spoons she has will be able to ah , in her own words "defeat and kill you." said Takan.

" Right." said Akkarin. " There is an obvious course of action. Takan, go ready some of your most delicious treats. I will have to seduce her."

"Okay, master I will prepare then presently and, uh, master, why are you taking off all your clothes?" asked Takan.

"The art of seduction is fraught with strange actions Takan." said Akkarin.

"Okay, and why are you wearing a shirt that says "I love sheep" under your robes?" asked Takan.

"It's in case I'm get into a situation where I need an "I love sheep" shirt." said Akkarin. "Namely, for when we show Regin what a real practical joke is like."

"Of course master." said Takan.

And then, logically speaking, Sonea walked into the room.

"Damn! The treats aren't ready yet master!" yelled Takan.

""At last, I've caught the high lord with his ah, robes down and wearing a "I love sheep" t-shirt?" said Sonea.

"Baby, you can catch me with my robes down and wearing an "I love sheep" t-shirt, any day of the week." said Akkarin in his seduction voice. He carefully licked his lips.

Silence. Complete and utter silence. "Master, I think we should run like the afterlife now." said Takan.

"Why?" asked Akkarin.

"NOW!" yelled Takan and grabbed Akkarin, and together they jumped out the window, and then they run off.

In the guild…..

"Takan, remember when you told me about that "prank" Regin and his fellows played on Sonea?" asked Akkarin.

" Not really a prank master. They tricked her into going behind a door. And then closing the door." said Takan.

"Strikingly unoriginal." said Akkarin.

"Uninspired." agreed Takan.

"I think, before we leave to hire the mercenaries and such, we have to show Mr. Winar what a real prank is……"

"Of course master."

In the Arena……

Lord Balkan, being the kind of person who not only gives dangerous people weapons, but also gives them the keys to the armoury, was currently teaching Regin even more deadly skills and the way they can be used for maximum damage.

The other students would be arriving shortly to join them, and learn more stuff, albeit less lethal.

"Greeting students, today we will be learning." he paused. "Sonea, why did you bring two soup spoons to class?"

"It's a slum dweller thing?" ventured Sonea.

"Oh. Makes sense I suppose." said Balkan. "Anyway, today you will be, oh, greeting Lord Akkarin." he said, bowing, the rest of the students, also bowed to the high lord, although Sonea's eyes flared.

"Lo, all." said the high Lord. "Delighted to see you all, standing around and learning how to kill each other. Well, in some of you cases I hope you put those skills too good use. In any case, I'm glad to say that the medical results of the disease had some unforeseen side effects which I will know have to read." said Akkarin, shuffling his papers.

"Ah, strictly speaking High Lord, it's guild rules that such afflictions be told in private." said Lord Balkan.

"I didn't know that." said Akkarin, selecting a piece of paper.

"Ignorance is not ah, and excuse from our laws, if you would care to remember my lord." said Lord Balkan, as if he was really afraid to say that to the high Lord.

"I didn't know ignorance is not an excuse." said Akkarin. "Don't ruin it for me. Now, luckily, only Regin was affected by the side effects. Regin, I don't know how to say this, but you're a sheep. Also, you're pregnant with a chicken's baby. This may seem a little hard to understand, But to put it simply. You're a sheep. Also, you're pregnant with a chicken's baby."

There was some more silence. "What, that's ridiculous, I'm not a sheep! Nor is it even possible that I can be pregnant, never mind with a chicken!" yelled Regin.

"Mr. Clucky will be hurt when he hears that." said Akkarin, bowing his head. "Very hurt. His one love, denying, his oh forget it, you're a sheep!" said Akkarin, pointing at Regin.

"I'm not a sheep!" began Regin angrily. "I can't change from boy to sheep in a day because of some weird disease!"

"What disease?" asked Lord Balkan.

"Be quite you!" said Akkarin. "I'm afraid that magic works in mysterious ways. And you are a sheep. You constant denial proves it. Sheep always deny they're sheepness. That's what "baa" means in sheep. I'm not a sheep. All day long, nothing but, I'm not a sheep, I'm not a sheep. The poor, poor creatures."

" This is the biggest load of, I'm not a sheep! Come on, I don't look like a sheep!" said Regin. "I don't act like a sheep!"

"The poor, poor boy." said Akkarin, shaking his head.

"I'm here master." said Takan. "I've fetched the boy parents." Indeed he did. The Lord Winar stood there, his wife quietly sobbing into his shoulders.

"Is it true then Regin?" asked the Lord Winar. "Are you a sheep?"

"I'm not a sheep!" yelled Regin. And was suddenly invisibly silenced before he could say anymore.

The Lord Winar gazed silently at Akkarin. "You already, told us, that's all sheep ever say!"

"I'm truly sorry. If it's any consolation might I just say, it happens to the best of families. You raise you're child, try to raise them right, then they start hanging out with the wrong crowd, doing bad things and bang, suddenly they're a sheep." said Akkarin sadly.

"Is they're anything we can do for him?" asked the Lady Winar.

"Yes, talk it out with him. try and find him a good field some where, among good sheep.' said Akkarin. "And wear this at all times." He said, handing him the afore mentioned I love sheep t-shirt.

"He might constantly deny that he's a sheep." said Takan. "Sadly, that's an all too clear sign of him being a sheep. The best you can hope for is that he stops denying it."

"Come Regin, we need to talk." said Lord Winar.

"All right fine, I'm a sheep!" said Regin. "Happy now?"

"He's coming to terms with it." said Akkarin, with a sad smile.

"It takes a big sheep to do that." said Takan, also smiling faintly.

"Well, we must be off." Said Akkarin. And off they went.

"Takan, I think his parents were a little quick to accept they're son was a sheep." said Akkarin, with a glint in his eye. The other eye had more of spark.

"Of course." said Takan. "They may have suspected it all along. And of course, they were kind enough to sample some of my brownies."

"Though sheep was perhaps a bit of a bad choice." said Akkarin. " He has real strength of character. He is willing too fight for what he believes in, and won't let something he sees as wrong continue. Too bad he didn't know what was truly wrong……."

" I like biscuits master." said Takan.

"So do I Takan, so do I."

In the Bunch of Grapes tavern…………

"So, explain to me again how this works?" asked Akkarin.

"Well, its simple master." said Takan. "We act like the kind of people who ordinarily visit these kind of taverns, and then discreetly hire some mercenaries."

"Righto." said Akkarin. "Now, just one pretty big flaw. How do the usual visitors of this fine establishment act?"

" According to lord Dannyl's guide to taverns, the normal person who visits a tavern is aggressive, sometimes withdrawn but always easily angered. There are largely unpleasant, unrefined and boring." He looked up. "We could act like that."

"Aggressive, boring and unrefined." said Akkarin "Got it."

"Hey, why are you two standing in the door?" asked the bar keeper.

"Oh. We're already in the bar.' said Takan. But Akkarin, didn't hear him, because Akkarin, had flung himself across the room straight at the barkeeper.

"Oi, and what's that supposed to mean?" he yelled, grabbing the guy roughly by his shirt lapels.

"Yeah, you son of a pig!" yelled Takan.

"Son of a pig?" asked Akkarin questioningly, letting go of the bartender, "Are you sure that's in character?"

"It sounded pretty boorish to me, master." said Takan.

Akkarin let go of the man again. "Boorish is not on the list is it?"

"I don't know. I'll check now master." said Takan, and took out the list.

It might be interesting to note that every inhabitant of the tavern, who had previously been contemplating weather or not they should kill the two idiots or wait and see if someone else does it, were slightly puzzled. Obviously they were not used to people walking into a room full of dangerously armed people, insulting them and then consulting a list to see if the insult was in character. Obviously they didn't get out much.

"Angry, boring, unrefined and unpleasant." said Takan. "Seems you were right master. Bit of a rum thing there."

"Akkarin nodded. "Anyway." he said, grabbing the man by the lapels again. "What the bloody hell is that supposed to bloody mean?"

" Not fond of life are you?" asked the barkeeper with an odd glint in his eyes. He nodded to a man at the door. A man with a very sharp sword.

"That was actually mildly witty." said Akkarin. "Is that on the list?"

"No master." said Takan. "Perhaps I should add it?"

"Good thinking." said Akkarin as the guy with the sword came closer.

"Oh, dang." said Takan, fiddling in his pockets. "Does anyone have a quill? Or some other form of writing instrument?"

"Perhaps I should use, magic!" said Akkarin, as the guy with the sword came almost right next to him. "Me being a magician."

The man stopped. The people in the tavern, being the kind of people who obviously didn't get out much, weren't sure if the suicidal person in the middle of the floor was a magician or not.

"Pull the other one." said A man in the corner.

"Of course!" said Takan. "My other pocket!" There was some quick rummaging. "Hmm. I appear to only have some lint, string, rope and a piece of twine. Odd."

"I meant he isn't a magician!" yelled the man in the corner. "I've seen magicians! The always wear big fancy, posh robes. Not green t-shirts that say "I do care about seating arrangements."

"You're still wearing that master?" asked Takan.

"You have to admit, it makes a catchy slogan." said Akkarin. "Especially since I do care about seating arrangements."

"Just throw them out will you?" asked the barkeeper, eyeing the man with the sword.

"No wait!" said Akkarin. "We haven't hired our mercenaries yet!"

"Yeah, you silly person!" said Takan.

"Much better.' said Akkarin, nodding at Takan. "Suitably boorish."

"No, boorish is wrong, remember master?" said Takan. "I mean, are any of you in here boorish?" he asked, looking around at the tavern. The man with the sword was really close now. He raised his hand up at Takan.

" Can't you see we're busy here?" asked Akkarin, letting loose a wave of power which pushed the man right through the door, and straight into the street. "The nerve of some people."

"So, are you boorish?" asked Takan. "Come on, I'll have to totally refine my character if you aren't! Otherwise you'll know me and Akkarin are magician who need to hire a mercenaries to help us conquer a small country!"

"So we're not supposed to know that?" said the man in the corner.

"You don't right?" asked Takan, worriedly.

"Uh, whatever allows me to leave here alive." said the man.

"So, any mercenaries who want to join us in our little invasion?" asked Akkarin. "We have provisions!" he said excitedly.

"Uh, master, about that." said Takan. "I'm afraid our pantry was attacked by ducks."

Akkarin eyes went cold. " I probably should have seen that coming." he said. "Anyway, anyone want to be hired by us in our little invasion?" There was the general scuffling of people who tried to avoid his gaze. And then a single voice.

"Sure." said a guy rising out of his chair. "If you pay, then I fight." He was huge, extremely muscled and heavily armed .

"Okay then." said Akkarin. " Well, off we go!"

"Aren't' we going to stop first?" he asked.

"No! To market!" said Takan, and then they left for the market.

In the market square……

"You were serious?" asked the mercenary. "We're going shopping?"

"Yes!" said Akkarin ecstatically. "At the market!"

"Of course!" said Takan. "We'll buy livestock at knockdown prices and suck the lives out to give us the strength we need to crush the pitiful Sachakeans."

" Isn't it Sachakeons?" asked Akkarin.

" Doesn't isn't it mean is not it?" asked Takan. "If you like, spell it out or something."

" You're right." said Akkarin. "But then, logically, if that sentence is written out it will be, does not is not it mean is not it." said Akkarin.

"Sounds like you're trying to sell me something master." said Takan.

"It is quite persuasive." said Akkarin. "Good thing grammar doesn't fall into the hands of people who'll use it for bad stuff."

" Eh, what kind of live stock do you two wanna buy?" asked the mercenary.

"Anything but ducks." said Takan. "The master has a bit of a "thing" about ducks."

" You mean like that one over there?" asked the mercenary, looking at a duck. Takan's breath was drawn in. Akkarin fixed his gaze upon the cursed beast.

"It's a duck." he said at last. "Quick, hand me the longbow!"

"Ain't got a longbow." said the mercenary. "What's you got against ducks then?"

"A soup spoon then." said Akkarin. "You can't expect me to believe you'll go to war without a soup spoon."

"Seriously, what do you got against ducks?" asked the mercenary.

"It was one of his kind…" said Akkarin, pointing at the duck. "Who left me so horribly disfigured."

"Uh, I don't see it." said the mercenary. "How did he disfigure you?"

"He bit my feet, leaving them spoiled images of their former glory." said Akkarin.

"Bit?" said the mercenary. "But he's a duck!"

"What, were?" yelled Akkarin, and he and Takan threw themselves to the floor.

"Why did you tell us to duck?" asked Takan.

"I didn't, I meant that duck!" said the mercenary.

"Takan! There's a duck! Quick, hand me the longbow!" said Akkarin.

"Don't worry master, I have a plan." said Takan. He looked straight at the duck. "Don't bite his feet this time!" he yelled. "Bite his collarbone! Cause it's delicious!"

" That's it." said the mercenary. "I demand extra."

"Quack." said the duck.

"I think its supersonically tracking you master." said Takan nervously.

" Quick!" yelled Akkarin. "What's a cow?"

"What's a what?" asked the mercenary.

"Good point." said Akkarin. "To the wagon!" And they ran. Ran like the afterlife.

On the wagon……

"And now." said Akkarin. "To Sachaka!"

"It's time I return to my proud homeland, and claim my right to the throne, as I Takan, cruelly separated from my noble father at birth, was sold into slavery, forever cursed to hide my heritage, and pour my passion into cookery while constantly pouting, and now, at last, I return, to kill the usurping bastard who dareth taketh myeth throneeth!" said Takan.

"Nice monologue." said Akkarin. "Expectably the double e. So you're the right full heir to the throne of Sachaka?"

" Nah, I just thought the situation calls for an impressive monologue. Us invading a country, that needs a monologue, I said to my self, Takan, I said." said Takan.

"No, you never said." said Akkarin, and they got into an argument. The mercenary sighed. This was going to be one of those invasions of a small country.

Three(2) hours later…….

"This book makes you wonder doesn't it?" said Akkarin.

"Which one?" asked Takan, as the rode on past the mountain scenery that marked them entering Sachaka. Not that they noticed.

"The emperor's new clothes." said Akkarin.

"Oh, of course." said Takan. "Why people's vanity will allow them to lie to themselves and others? Why do people rather lie and act like they're not stupid then to tell the truth?"

"No." said Akkarin. "It makes me wonder why the emperor wants every idiot in his land to see him naked."

"Same difference. Ah, I see we're here master." said Takan. "At the castle."

"Finally." said the mercenary.

"Quack." said a duck.

"Takan! It followed us!" yelled Akkarin. "Quick, hand me the longbow!"

With a grunt the mercenary grunted,, grabbed the duck and opened his beck. "I don't see teeth." he said. "How could he maim you're feet?"

"Run!" yelled Akkarin. He saw the castle. "Attack!"

In the Sachakan's king's palace……

The Sachakan king was not a habitually evil man, nor was he ill informed. He knew something odd was going on at the magicians' guild, and knew Akkarin knew black magic which he learned from the outcasts. He also knew if Akkarin chose to, he could spread the art, and the Allied Lands would once more be able to crush his lands.

He knew and expected a lot. He did not expect Akkarin, Takan, and a single mercenary to run through his gates and yell "All your base belongs to us now!"

Hmm. This was kind of a bridge chapter, as I originally planned to let the other half of the fic play of in Sachaka. However, hoped you enjoy it, and thanks for the reviews, which gave me plenty of ideas. The Regin scene was pretty hard to write. For some reason I kept choking up while re reading it.