Hello all...here is a short update. I was going back and forth between this one and Conceivable today, and again this one just came to me so much more easily. I feel so bad because people keep asking me to update Conceivable and I swear to you I will...it's just taking me some time.
I hope this update will make up for not updating the other one in so long. Sorry it is so short, but the next chapter is longer. I just can't post it yet. Enjoy!
An Hour Later…
Olivia stepped off the elevator, attempting to ignore the rest of the squad as she made her way to her office, but it was impossible. Fin and Rollins were arguing over something and of course they expected her to fix it, and even though she knew they were talking to her, their words were nothing more than a jumbled mess in her mind. "Just deal with it!" she yelled, forcing her way past them while they both stared after her completely confused. She pulled open the door to her office, slamming it behind her and letting herself collapse into her chair, her head in her hands while she tried unsuccessfully to hold in her tears. Maybe Elliot was right…maybe she should have stayed home.
She didn't hear the door open, but she could sense someone staring at her and looked up to see Fin's worried face. "Liv…what's going on?" he asked, closing the door and pulling the blinds so their conversation would be as private as possible. "Are you okay? Is Noah…"
"Noah's fine," she answered quickly. "I'm fine too…" she cleared her throat and motioned toward the door. "I'm sorry about that…what did you and Amanda want to talk to me about?"
"We were just arguing over whether or not interrogating perps counts as desk duty," he forced a weak smile. "She's stubborn as hell. Pregnancy hasn't softened her one bit."
"Yeah," Olivia sighed. "And you can tell her I said she isn't interrogating anyone for the next five months. She can leave that up to you and Carisi." She gently rubbed her temples, trying to relieve the headache that was quickly intensifying. "Did you need anything else?"
"Yeah," he sat down and stared intently at her. "I need you to tell me what the hell is going on?" He didn't wait for her to deny it again, "I can tell something's wrong…so don't tell me you're fine. What happened?"
She fought to hold in her tears, "Brian…" she said breathlessly. "He…he died…last night..."
"What?" Fin jumped to his feet and was at her side in seconds. "What happened? Oh Liv, I'm so sorry…"
She shook her head, "I don't know what happened. He was undercover, I think. The other night we were having dinner and Tucker called him…"
"So, you two were seeing each other again?" he asked. It didn't surprise him, but he hadn't known about it.
She nodded, "Not seriously…just every once in a while…" she looked at him and bit her lip nervously, "Brian was worried about Tucker. He said he had a way to bring him down but he wouldn't tell me what. Then yesterday Tucker showed up here making threats…"
"Threats?" Fin asked. "What did he say to you? I'll kill him…"
"Just that I needed to stay away from Brian," she sighed. "But then this morning…"
"You were notified that he died," Fin said knowingly. "Where did it happen? How?"
"Some little town I've never even heard of. They found him behind a strip club...of all places," she couldn't hold her tears in then. "I don't know if he was working…or if…maybe he was just screwing around…"
"He was working, Liv," Fin assured her. "You know that." She nodded sadly. "Do they have any leads? What did the detective say who notified you?"
"Fin," she looked sadly at him. "That's something else…the detective they sent to tell me…" she ran her fingers through her hair in an attempt to settle her anxiety. "It was Elliot…he didn't know he was coming to tell me…I think he was as shocked as I was…but I can't deal with all of this right now."
"Holy shit!" Fin gasped. "What're you going to do?"
"I gave him the key to Brian's place…so he could look around," she said.
"You have your own key?" Fin asked. "So maybe you were a little closer than you let on?"
She shook her head, "We were having fun," she insisted. "That's all. Brian didn't want more than that…and neither did I." She looked at the ground, trying to avoid eye contact because she knew if Fin saw the look on her face, he'd try to console her and she'd break down. "I'm going to miss him…"
"I know," Fin took her in his arms and she cried, even though she didn't want to, and he held her close. "You want me to go over there…see if I can help Elliot…maybe get some more info on the case? Do you think Tucker's involved?"
"I don't know what to think anymore," she admitted, pulling away from the embrace and wiping her tears. "You have work to do here. This isn't an NYPD case…and it sure as hell isn't special victims…"
"It's the murder of an NYPD detective," he argued. "That makes it an NYPD case. At least let me call Elliot…you have his number?"
She shook her head, "I need you here Fin," she insisted. "We're already down a couple of detectives." She took a deep breath, "I think I'm going to take some time off…"
"Sure…" he agreed. "You should. You need some time…"
She shrugged, "I should be here."
"You should take care of yourself," he added. "I can keep things in line here. Why don't you go home?"
She nodded, "I think I will…thanks…"
SVU SVU SVU SVU SVU SVU SVU SVU SVU SVU SVU SVU SVU SVU SVU SVU
"Elliot…" she called, pushing open the door to Brian's apartment. "El…are you here?"
He walked into the room from the hallway, and gave a weak smile, "Liv…what're you doing here?"
"I…uhm…" she couldn't find the right words. "Do you need some help? I decided not to stay at work, so I can help you…if you need me…"
He walked over to her and nodded, "I can always use your help." He looked around the apartment, "Anything look out of place?"
She shook her head, glancing at a picture sitting on the end table…Brian with his arms wrapped around her…probably from a couple of years ago. She wondered when he'd put it there and why she hadn't noticed before now. "Everything looks the same…as the last time I was here…"
Elliot nodded and walked down the hall toward the bedroom and she followed him. The room was in disarray, but that wasn't unusual for Brian's bedroom. Olivia thought back to the last time she'd been there, and it had looked exactly like this. It seemed odd that it was only a couple of days ago…so much had changed since then. "This look normal to you?" Elliot asked.
"Yeah," she cleared her throat. "I mean…I guess…he never was very tidy."
Elliot put on gloves and looked through stacks of papers on the dresser and piles of clothes in the floor. He pulled up a pair of pink lace panties and smirked, "Guess Cassidy was seeing someone…" he said, seeing Olivia's face turn pale. "I'm sorry…" he said. "I know the two of you used to be together…I didn't mean to upset you…"
Olivia grabbed them from him, "They're mine," she said, shoving them into her purse. "I forgot them…the other day…I was in a hurry…" she sputtered.
"Oh…" Elliot said knowingly. "You said…you told me that you and Brian hadn't been together for a while…"
"We broke up a long time ago," she assured him. "But we still enjoyed each other's company." She sat down on the bed and looked around the room. "He just wanted me to be his random hook-up…" she let her voice trail off.
Elliot sat next to her, not touching her but letting her feel his presence. "You were more than just a hook-up to him, Liv. I know that. He was in love with you."
"How do you know that?" she sighed, brushing away the tears that were sliding down her cheeks.
"How could any guy not be in love with you?" he asked, his voice more serious than playful.
"He's gone…" she said softly. "Anytime someone loves me…anytime I love someone…they leave me."
"Liv…" he knew she was talking about him, but he wasn't sure this was the time or place for the discussion they needed to have.
"I need to get home," she stood up. "There's nothing here that will clue you into Brian's murder. You're gonna have to go back…see what you can find at the crime scene…maybe his hotel…"
"I want to talk to Tucker," Elliot said, rubbing his hand along the back of his neck.
"No…" Olivia gasped. "Don't…he's involved and I know it, but if you let him know we're onto him…it'll backfire…"
"We?" Elliot asked. "Since when is this our case?"
"It's not," she said, walking toward the door. "Just keep me posted, okay? Did you call Brian's mom?"
"Yeah," he said sadly. "Well I didn't call...I went to her house and I told her. You should give her a call."
"I will," Olivia promised. "I just need some time. I want to know what happened to him…so when I call her I'll have some answers to give."
"Liv…maybe…" he didn't know how to proceed with his suggestion. "Maybe you should come back with me. You could help…it might make you feel better to be involved…"
"I don't know," she took one more look around Brian's apartment, picking up the picture from the end table. "I miss him…already…I really did love him…"
"I know…" he pulled her into a hug and held her while she cried. He knew being so vulnerable was hard for her, and he cherished the brief moments when she let her guard down with him. "Liv…I know he loved you just as much. You know it too…"
SVU SVU SVU SVU SVU SVU SVU SVU SVU SVU SVU SVU SVU SVU SVU SVU
"You alright?" Elliot asked, driving down the highway while Olivia looked out the window. She'd been silent for almost an hour and while at first he thought she was taking time to think about all that had happened, he wondered now if she was just avoiding talking to him. After all, they hadn't seen each other in almost four years, and this wasn't the most ideal situation for a reunion.
"I'm fine," she said, clearing her throat and closing her eyes, leaning her head against the window.
"You miss Noah, huh?" he asked. She'd been reluctant to leave her son and make the three hour trip with Elliot, but eventually he'd convinced her. He needed her help. She knew Brian better than anyone, and besides, he really felt like she needed this as well. She couldn't sit home and mope. She didn't know how to grieve, so it would be better to let her work through everything instead.
"Yeah," she said, her voice shaky. "He's good though…he loves Lucy. She's amazing…"
"I never pictured you with a nanny," Elliot said truthfully. "I always knew you'd be a wonderful mother, but the live-in help…I never saw that coming…"
"She's not live-in help," Olivia argued. "She has her own place. I had to hire someone to help with Noah, though. I work all hours and I can't always pick him up from daycare. He has health problems and sometimes I need someone to stay with him during the day…" she felt like a failure defending herself to Elliot. "I try to be a good mother…I really do…"
"You are," he insisted. "I didn't mean you weren't. God, it has to be hard by yourself…and running SVU…"
"I manage," she said, closing her eyes again and exhaling slowly. "Can we stop at the next rest area?" she asked.
"Sure," he answered. "Are you sure you're okay?"
"I said I'm fine," Olivia argued.
"So…you really think Tucker sent Brian on a death-mission?" Elliot asked. "Why? I mean I know he's a jackass…but why kill one of his own men…and in a place where the worst crime they've seen in decades is a kid stealing a candy bar from the local convenience store…"
"Where the hell do you live?" she asked. "Mayberry?"
"Pretty much," he laughed. "Kathy has a cousin who lives there and when I left SVU…she wanted to get out of the city…I felt like I owed her after all I'd put her through…so I agreed. Eli loves it."
"You know…I could do without the small talk," she sputtered.
"I know you're mad at me," he sighed. "And I deserve it, but Liv…I didn't want to leave the way I did, but I had no choice. I wasn't being fair to my family…or to you…"
"To me?" she shook her head. "We were just work partners…you didn't owe me anything…"
"Liv," he knew she was hurt and he didn't know how to ever fix it. "You were more than just a work partner to me…you know that…"
"El…" Olivia's voice quivered. "Stop the car. Pull over…please…"
"Liv, don't start that," he sighed. He knew she didn't want to talk about what had happened in the past, but they needed to if they were going to work together on this. "Just hear me out…when I left…"
"No, El…pull over," she yelled. Now…"
"Liv," he shook his head, "I'm not letting you out of the car in the middle of nowhere…"
"I'm gonna be sick," she gagged, putting her hand to her mouth and he quickly pulled the car over to the side of the road. She swung the door open and climbed out, bending over and vomiting on the side of the road.
Elliot jumped out of the car and ran to her side, holding her hair while she retched, "You're gonna be okay," he said, worried by her sudden bout of sickness. "I've got you…" He put his arm around her waist while she leaned into him. "You're gonna be fine…"
"I'm sorry…" she gasped, trying to steady herself on her feet. "I haven't felt well the past few days…and this whole thing with Brian…it has my stomach tied in knots…and the car ride…"
"Liv…" he interrupted her. "It's okay…"
"I'm so embarrassed," she admitted, as he helped her back into the car. "I just…" her eyes filled with tears, "I'm sorry…"
"Hey," he brushed her hair back from her face and looked into her sad eyes, "It's okay. Do you feel well enough for me to drive again, or should we rest here a while?"
"I'm okay," she insisted. "I feel okay now."
He drove down the road, taking side glances at her. She was asleep, her face pale and an uncomfortable grimace on her face. He wasn't sure what was going on, but he had his suspicions and it worried him. He pulled into the rest area and chose not to wake her. He went inside the convenience store and came out a while later with a bag in his arms, opening the door and smiling when she opened her eyes to look at him.
"Where are we?" she asked, groggily.
"Rest area," he answered. "How're you feeling?"
"Okay," she sighed, putting her hand to her stomach. "A little queasy…"
"Here," he pulled a can of gingerale out of the bag, opening it and handing it to her, "Sip it…slowly…" She took a small drink, trying to keep it down, and he handed her a package of crackers. "Nibble these…with the gingerale."
"I don't think I can…" she shook her head. "My stomach hurts…"
"I know," he assured her. "But it'll help. I promise…just try it…"
She reluctantly took a small bite, "El…thanks…" she exhaled slowly. "I'm sorry about all of this. I thought I had an ulcer…but now I think maybe it's the flu…I shouldn't have come…"
"I don't think you have the flu," he said seriously and she looked questioningly at him. He didn't have the heart to tell her what he really thought was going on. "Maybe this is just your body's way of reacting to grief…" He reached out and squeezed her hand.
"Maybe…" she nodded, taking another sip of the gingerale. "I'm sure I'll feel better when we get there."
"Yeah," he forced a sad smile. "I'm sure you will." He started the car and pulled out onto the highway. "Tell me if you need me to pull over again, okay?"
She nodded, and stared out the window as the scenery moved quickly past in a blur.
More to come...
