PART ONE: STUDENTS

Section Two – Houses:

The House System

Contrary to popular belief, at Hogwarts we do not wear House Ties, Badges or Robes. We wear black. There is a House Scarf, but we are not all going to start wearing scarves indoors just to help you lot out. Sorry.

There are subtle ways, however, of guessing someone's House. That way, when you plough into someone in a crowded corridor, causing them to spill coffee all down their front, you know whether to play the Cute Innocent Card and sob into their robes muttering feeble apologies, or run like crazy in the opposite direction of their wand.

At Hogwarts, we take Houses very seriously. It takes a bit of practice, but by the time your in second year, you'll know which Houses to avoid, which to ally with, and which, hopefully is yours. (If you are still unaware of which House you are in, even after all this time you are an idiot, a Hufflepuff, or related to Crabbe. Please go and see if the Giant Squid can lend you some brain cells.)

Carefully study the sections below to familiarise yourself with the four Hogwarts Houses. That way, next time you spill pumpkin juice all over a Slytherin Seventh Year, you will be able to say with confidence, "You're in Gryffindor, aren't you?"

That was sarcasm, by the way, Firsties. Sarcasm is your friend.

You and Your House

Gryffindor:

You are: Goody-goody, brave (read: stupid), "noble", Dumbledore's favourites.

You are not: Cowardly, subtle, Snape's favourites.

You like: Laughing good-naturedly, a good joke, friends, the good guys, winning the House/Quidditch cup, Dumbledore.

You dislike: Slytherins, Snape.

You are a Gryffindor. You are the epitome of all that is Great and Good. Everyone gives you the benefit of the doubt, and everyone likes you. You have effectively one the House Lottery. However, you do have to be well versed in the arts of Carelessness, Brashness, Hot-Headedness, Stubbornness, and many more frankly ridiculous traits.

TOP TIP: Slytherins are out to get you. Be vigilant.

Hufflepuff:

You are: Hard-working, tolerant, fair, cheerful.

You are not: Disparaging, snide, depressive, elitist.

You like: A challenge, listening, someone you can look up to, a good Quidditch Captain, mornings.

You dislike: Pessimists.

You are a Hufflepuff. No one is quite sure why, but it is allegedly because you are hard working. For the rest of your life you will be "the Leftover House", "the Overlooked House" and, cruellest of all, "the Bee House". You must compensate for your obscurity by being non-confrontational, the peace-maker, and the very, very nice one that everyone wants to strangle.

TOP TIP: You are the only students in the entire school who can go to lessons without having downed sixteen cups of coffee. Disguise this fact, or there will be consequence. As a school, we are very Anti-Morning-People.

Ravenclaw:

You are: Intelligent, witty.

You are not: Dense, slow.

You like: A good debate, a good book.

You dislike: People who don't appreciate your intelligence.

You are a Ravenclaw. This gives you permission to be either stuck up or a little strange – take your pick. Despite the fact that you are very clever, you rarely excel at anything. Your House is simply not note-worthy. Sorry.

TOP TIP: Be distinctive. No one will remember you at all if you don't have odd hair, a habit of giggling, or something.

Slytherin:

You are: Prejudiced, "evil", the school scapegoats, Snape's favourites.

You are not: Muggle-lovers, friendly, anyone else's favourites.

You like: Money, power, influential allies.

You dislike: Gryffindors, Dumbledore.

You are a Slytherin: you can kiss goodbye to any hopes of friends in other houses. From now on, everyone is against you. You are evil, elitist and very, very unpleasant, without exception. Everything that goes wrong is your fault, and the only one on your side is Snape.

TOP TIP: Be sneaky and don't get caught. They can't prove it was you.

Gryffindor

Red and Gold.

Danger Level : Hufflepuffs – Low

Ravenclaws – Low

Slytherins – Medium – High

The Gryffindors are the good guys of the school. They are always right, and they have both the Headmaster and the Deputy Headmistress on their side. They come first in everything. They have Harry Potter. That's just the way the world works.

Gryffindors are easily recognisable because they like to stand out. There's nothing they hate more than being unnoticed. They laugh the loudest, complain the most about loss of House Points and always make themselves known in some way.

They can be quite friendly if you're not in Slytherin. They usually travel in groups of two or three, so are less intimidating than Ravenclaws.

If you encounter one in less than pleasant circumstances, howling you head is the most effective technique, as the most chivalrous thing to do would be to comfort you.

Hufflepuff

Yellow and Black.

Danger Level : Gryffindors – Low

Ravenclaws – Low

Slytherins – Low

The Hufflepuffs are the nice ones. They are a friend to all. They usually come last or second last, but they somehow manage to remain perpetually cheerful about it.

They are usually recognised by their welcoming smiles and/or Tell Me Everything I Understand looks. They are natural listeners, so aren't noisy like Gryffindors.

They want you to tell them every little problem, whether you want to or not. If you're ever looking a little down, they'll be there to comfort you, whether or not you need comforting.

They are the least intimidating people in the school. They travel in pairs or alone, and have one eye constantly looking out for little lost First Years.

Ravenclaw

Blue and Bronze

Danger Level : Gryffindors – Low

Hufflepuffs – Low

Slytherins – Low

Ravenclaws are smart. This is all you need to know.

There are two types of Ravenclaws, the strange, scatter-brained ones, or the cold, stuck up ones. The scatter-brained ones wander around like they haven't got a clue which way's up – sometimes with their nose in a book – and the stuck up ones travel in massive packs of aloof-ness.

If you encounter one, they probably will either pretend to not notice you or genuinely not notice you. Either way, they're not about to drop everything and show you the way to the dungeons.

Generally, they are non-approachable, either because they look more lost than you are, or because there are about ten of them, hanging out together and giggling.

Slytherin

Green and Silver.

Danger Level : Gryffindor – Very High

Hufflepuff – High

Ravenclaw – High

Slytherins are scheming, spiteful, sneaky and subtle. They are also elitist, prejudiced, and generally horrible. Be on your guard.

They can usually be found sporting on of three facial expressions – smirking, sneering or leering (sneering and leering are two utterly different expressions). Like Ravenclaws, there are two kinds of Slytherins. One type are large, muscular, and bear a startling resemblance to a troll. The other kind are usually smaller and sometimes look as though they've been starved of sunlight their whole lives.

Slytherins often like to travel in packs – you need back up after all – but some travel alone. Either way, however, avoid them like the plague. They will help you of course – right off the Astronomy Tower.

If you encounter one, run like hell. The trollish ones don't run very fast, and the smaller ones will generally try to curse you. Either way, if you get out of sight quickly enough, you're safe.