2) Writing angst

Q: Um, so what is angst?

A: Depressingness! As you're (probably) a teenager, you probably sit down thinking depressing thoughts – that would be teenage angst. The angst we're dealing with is a bit more serious – because really no one wants to see Elphaba sitting down writing sad poetry about how much her life sucks. But yeah, sad stuff really.

Q: So what should the plot be?

A: What is it with you and plots? Oneshots do not have plots – they have feelings. Basically something depressing happens and the characters are all really upset and have sad thoughts about it.

Q: What sort of depressing things?

A: For simplicity I have, once again, compiled you a list of every likely scenario of why everyone is sad:

Elphaba dies everyone angsts (and everyone who isn't angsting is incredibly evil)

Glinda dies everyone (and I mean everyone) angsts

Fiyero dies everyone angsts (unless it's a Gelphie, in which case everyone celebrates)

Boq dies (and it's a Gloq, otherwise no one cares)

Nessa dies (depending on circumstances – as in canon apparently the "death" of the guy Elphaba's been in 3 scenes in is more important to her than the death of her sister – but if it's a Bessa it might matter!)

Fiyero doesn't die – like ever – and he walks round as a scarecrow being depressed

Elphaba gets raped – she and Galinda (and sometimes Fiyero) angst about it while everyone is mean to her

Galinda is raped (possibly by Fiyero) Elphaba comforts her and then they have sexiitimes

Galinda is horribly abused by Fiyero she angsts, Elphaba kills him – violently

Boq is horribly abused by Nessa – Galinda angsts over his wounds and wishes she'd been kinder to him earlier – Nessa is arrested

Elphaba thinks Fiyero is killed in NGD, she angsts

Fiyero is actually killed in NGD, Elphaba angsts

People are mean to Animals Elphaba angsts

Galinda has a bad hair day Galinda angsts

Elphaba doesn't want to share a room with Galinda because she's popular and they've just sung a song about their awkward sexual loathing tension together – she angsts

Glinda thinks everyone is dead at the end of the musical, she angsts

Elphaba is sad that Glinda thinks everyone is dead and is angsting, she angsts

Fiyero is sad that Elphaba is sad and angsting that Glinda thinks everyone is dead and is angsting, he angsts

The interval is basically a chasm of depressingness EVERYONE ANGSTS!

Everything gets somehow worse after the end of the musical and everyone DIES AND ANGSTS!

And we're not even getting into random AU angst here – basically pick an event – any event in the musical (and if you don't want to just make one up) and write a character study about how depressed some character is about it.

Q: So why are all these characters dying?

A: because that makes the best angst! Nothing is more depressing than death and people being sad about it! Nothing at all – Voldemort was right – nothing is worse than death!

…oh, you mean for what reasons are they dying – well for any reason really! The important part is that they die, but here's a handy list of suggestions of how to kill your fictional characters:

Old age – Boring – but still a classic – plus you can then do epic flashbacks of the character's life and how they impacted on all the characters and all their happy memories and the things they'll never get to do etc.

Sacrificial death – As a bonus this actually happens in the musical! …well no, actually it doesn't, but luckily (for you, not Fiyero) a quick edit of the NGD scene can change that for Fiyero! As for other characters, well they can jump in front of bullets or scream "NOT HER! TAKE ME INSTEAD!" NB: This is possibly the best form of angst as then the character they saved can angst about how it should have been them and commit suicide (YAY! Double angsty death!)

MURDER! – Wizard, Morrible, Guards, Evil Avaric, Gelphieverse Fiyero, Dorothy (just to add some extra Dorothy bashing in your fic) – anyone of them can be your murderer – the murderer doesn't really matter anyway (and they'll be viciously murdered or arrested or something soon after the deed's done), it's all about the angst and survivors guilt as the person gets murdered before their loved one's eyes and then they cry and stuff and give big speeches about how much the character meant to them.

"How about a little fire scarecrow?" - And watch (like, through text) Fiyero burn!

Nobly in battle – Bossibly just a minor character – because really the main characters have to be big and tough enough to defeat the baddies – then the remaining characters can sing "Empty Chairs at Empty Tables" and you'll look really deep because Les Mis is a cultured musical (and if you've only seen the film – well they don't need to know that)

Illness – Again pretty boring, but at least there can be a lot of random sappy speeches and "I love you, but you must find new love now," and by the end even your readers will wish they'd just die.

Accident - Elphaba gets knocked over by Fiyero's carriage and dies! Galinda slips on some spilt nail polish and cracks her skull! Fiyero is so stupid that he forgets jumping off a tall cliff will kill him! Accidental deaths are fun because they're so sudden and shocking-like, and all the characters can angst over how unfair it was and easily the death could have been prevented!

Melting – Because, even though it's a major plot point in the musical that Elphaba actually can't melt, this is fanfiction! Why not just put her bookverse allergy back in? It makes an easy and horrific death for Elphaba – which will then lead to loads of angst for Glinda/Fiyero who might have not even realised this could happen!

Suicide – normally Glinda – so we can not only can we see her angsting about thinking everyone's dead and taking her life and then everyone else angsting because Glinda commit suicide thinking everyone was dead – this one's a goldmine guys!

Q: So what does "being depressed" actually consist of?

A: Crying (or being, too sad for tears), lots of thinking about how much they loved the character they have now lost or, if it's not a death, thinking about how bad and hopeless their current situation is. Thinking in terms you think of as poetic about how much their lives suck really – make sure you use lots of sap and elaborate metaphors to show just how deep you are – even if, in reality, you've never actually experienced this level of sadness. Maybe, if you're feeling extra deep, they can have irrational angsty anger and throw stuff around or something – just like Harry Potter did in Order of the Phoenix!

Q: So, happy ending?

A: A hopeful one if you feel like it, but really? No! Just make it worse! Watch your minions… I mean your readers, cry and get depressed. Oh the power, the power, POWER MWAHAHAH…

Q: Ummm…

A: …AHAHAHA – oh, sorry, don't mind me; I just really enjoy making people depressed.

Q: Ok, written! What should I put in my summary?

A: Well it's angst – so you're supposed to be pretending… I mean – you are deep and meaningful. So, don't just write a summary, take a deep and meaningful quote from your angst (maybe that elaborate metaphor we were talking about earlier) to make sure everyone knows just how deep and meaningful you are. Oh and also make sure you label it WARNING: ANGST (and CHARACTER DEATH if you have it) because no one wants to accidently read angst when they were looking for hot sex.

Q: And now?

A: Sit back and wait for reviews again! You probably won't get as many because, in all honesty, people want to see the characters having hot sex rather than dying – but don't worry, remember your audience are angsty teenagers – so they'll doubtless come on and read about lives more sucky than theirs at some stage. And then if they say it made them cry it'll make you feel all warm and happy and powerful inside!

Q: I really do want to learn how to write a plot oneday…

A: Patience, young student of mine, all will be revealed next chapter when we tackle the famous MULTICHAPS!