So…being a teenager sucks. In order to feel better about myself, here's another chapter.
Disclaimer: I kinda forgot to do one of these for Chapter 3, so this one's a double whammy. My life is not as awesome as JK Rowling's. Therefore, I am not she.
James lay on his bed staring up at the red curtains around him thinking about life and love. He loved her. He knew it. No one else knew or even realized how deep his feelings for her went, but they were there. He also knew that it was wishful thinking that she could ever see him as anything but the arrogant toerag from years previous, before he had cleaned up his act. Every day, he woke up thinking that something in her heart might have changed, but every day was a disappointment when he realized she was being pulled towards his friend.
He doubted Remus even realized what he was doing. Or maybe he did, and he just wanted it that way. Remus and Lily. He whispered the words to the darkness, but cringed when they escaped his lips. It just didn't sound right. He tried it differently. Lily and Remus. Nah, too…professional. Too scripted. It felt stinted, fake, almost.
James started as Sirius grunted and swore in his sleep. There was something about unrequited love that felt like Life had plunged a knife into the deep recesses of James's heart and gave a twist every time he saw her with someone else.
Later, in the morning, Life would give the knife another twist.
.:*:.
Lily plunked her schoolbag down on the bench next to Remus at breakfast. For some reason unbeknownst to her, she had slept very well the night before. Fantastically, even.
"Morning, Remus! Whatcha reading?"
He glanced up with a red tinge on his cheeks. "Just the morning paper, Lily. Nothing exciting."
She shrugged. "Anything that can captivate your attention like that must be important. Let me see it when you're done."
Across the table, James choked on his coffee. Sirius reached over and slapped his back hard enough to give James a concussion. Still choking, James said, "You do realize"—cough—"that pounding me"—hack—"doesn't actually"—choke—"do anything, right?"
"Pft, yeah, but it's fun!" Sirius exclaimed. Lily giggled, and James shot her a glare. Her eyes widened, and she wondered what she had done to make him upset.
Remus had seen the glare too, and he glanced at Lily as he said to James, "What was that for?"
"Nothing, Remmy-poo," James snarled as he scooped up his books and left the table. He had barely walked ten steps however, when he turned around and snatched up his coffee too.
"Forgot this," he gestured gruffly and turned to go out the large Great Hall doors.
He left silence in his wake. Lily' eyes were still wide as saucers, and Remus had a small wrinkle between his eyes. Sirius seemed to be the only one unfazed by James's abrupt departure.
"More eggs, anyone?"
.:*:.
October shifted into November with no change in the atmosphere. James shunned Lily, and she had no clue why. Remus was awkward and would always blush when she was around him, so that left Sirius. He was just as clueless as ever, and Lily found herself wishing that she could switch places with him.
Marlene was very unsympathetic towards Lily's plight. "Just grab Remus and snog him. Honestly, I don't really know why you haven't done that yet. He's a hunk."
Alice was background music. Every once in a while, she would drift forward with meaningful advice, such as, "Don't let yourself be fazed by what others want. Do for yourself whatever makes you happy."
Every once in a while, Lily would attempt to drown out the voices around her by throwing herself into her schoolwork, but that too soon grew wearisome. Preparing for the future was hard, and she had no clue what to do. There wasn't really anyone to help her—guide her—and she definitely didn't know the first thing about finances and salaries and living. Where would she go? What would she do? And now that the maniac, Voldemort, was on the loose, another question came up? Would she even live long enough to worry about where her next meal came from? Would she have a family in five years?
The world was being devoured by crazies, Lily had decided, and she knew she should fight back. The only problem was that she didn't want to. She had no reason to take up a war she hadn't started, just because some lunatic was out to kill her. She wanted to run, but everywhere she looked, there was no way out. The glass walls were closing in on her. She could see everything she wanted…on the other side of the glass. Away from her. Just out of reach.
Unbeknownst to Lily, she became closed off from the others. They hadn't even realized it at first, but after a while, James and Marlene began to notice. She would leave meals early, making unfounded excuses to go study. The late-night talks so familiar to the group of girls faded into occasional "goodnight"s and earlier bedtimes. Lily's essays, once finished a few days before the due date were completed the night they were assigned.
Through all of it, Lily was closed off. Her feelings, once so in turmoil, changed to bleak existence. She didn't care anymore.
.:*:.
"Lily!"
She turned, and James rushed up to her. "What, James?" she sighed.
"Can we talk?"
"I really need to get to the library—there's something I was supposed to look up before potions. You know, the thing about the powdered unicorn horn in the…one potion we're doing."
He forcefully grabbed her upper arm. "Lily, if we don't talk now, you'll avoid me for the rest of the week, and, quite honestly, this won't take very long."
She allowed him to lead her into a smaller corridor branching off from the larger one. She stood with her back against the wall, waiting for him to begin as he opened and closed his mouth like a guppy.
Finally, he began: "I'm worried about you."
Anger bubbled deep in her chest. What right did he have? "And how, pray tell, are you worried about me?"
"You've been skipping out on us, Lily, your friends, I mean. You ignore us and push us away, and it's only hurting us because, believe it or not, we're only trying to help you. I know you don't have many people to lean on, which is why we're—"
"You're right, I don't have many people to lean on. You want to know why, Potter? Because they're all dead or estranged from me. My parents are gone, and Petunia hates me." She watched as he stiffened and jerked back when she addressed him by his surname. "I just feel so helpless; I can't do anything to stop this maniac, but even if I could, he'd kill me in the blink of an eye because of my blood. My blood. And even if I do manage to survive, this whole world is torn apart already!"
His eyes widened as hers started leaking tears. "But Lily, we lo—"
"You can't! Don't you see that? Everyone I love dies!"
She hastily brushed at her eyes as she walked away, and this time, he let her go.
Why does my life feel so wrong, so stilted? It's a game, Life is, and I don't think I'm ready to play.
OH MY GOSH I'M SO SORRY. Really, I had no idea I've been gone so long.
Okay, question time (and I really wish you'd review to actually answer this question):
Do you honestly think I should continue this story?
It feels forced to me, and I feel like my basic idea is strong, but the execution is lacking. I feel like this generation of JK's characters is so hard for me to write because even though I have so many thoughts, I can't spew them out onto the paper fast enough. Urgh, the life of a (very) busy teenager.
I also would like to apologize if my previous AN seemed slightly self-centered. Believe me, that was not my intention whatsoever, and I can't help but notice now how untrue that observation was. Things have changed dramatically since then.
Anywho, please review, even if it is to tell me to scrap this story and write others instead.
~CravingHoneydukes
