Chapter 4 –Tantrums and Respites

Despite his best efforts, Loki's attempts to ease his own frustration had not done anything to stop him from noticing how Hlin's hair caught the summer light the next day as she played with Fenrir and Jörmungandr the next day. Seated under a canopy, ostensibly having lunch with the jarl of the town, Loki found he only had eyes for the pretty woman making his sons laugh. She had pulled the bangs away from her face and the smile on her face showed off just how pretty she was. It was also very hard to put the memory of her naked body as he had imagined it out of his head.

"Majesty, don't you agree?" asked the jarl, cutting through his muzzy thoughts.

"Hmmm?" he asked, barely able to tear his eyes away from the pleasant scene before him.

"I was just saying that, aside from a minor incident, your reign has been remarkably prosperous," said the tall, broad man who reminded Loki very much of Volstagg, but without any of Volstagg's easy-going nature.

"You call the Rebellion of Pigs a minor incident? I call it a serious culmination of corruption and outdated ideology of violence," said Loki curtly. This jarl had spent most of the time with his lips against Loki's backside since they had arrived. "And since I have begun my trip, I have found countless incidents of just such things still embedded in my realm so deeply it's almost as if it were in the blood." He fixed a sharp eye on the jarl, who blanched and shrugged in a faux-lazy gesture.

"Bad roots always grow amongst the good, but I know your majesty has been very busy pulling them out of the ground."

"Yes, I am," said Loki, not softening his gaze. The jarl's expression tightened and he said quickly,

"Your boys are fine things."

Loki looked around to see Jörmungandr trying to do a handstand for Hlin, who was clapping for him on the grass, Fenrir lying back against her stomach. Jörmungandr, skinny as a stick, gangly, but with a grace that brought to mind his serpentine form, was beaming up at her as he dropped onto the ground. Hlin ruffled his hair and then made Fenrir clap his small pale hands for his brother. The baby blinked hard, he was still little more than a physical new-born, but he seemed to enjoy the attention. Loki wished he could go and join them.

"And their nurse is quite comely," continued the jarl, "Very pretty. I can see why you picked her."

Loki's head snapped around and he glared at the jarl, "I did not pick her for her looks!"

The jarl's eyebrows jumped up and a smile spread across his face, "I see."

Loki narrowed his eyes, his cheeks flushing as he reached out and grabbed the jarl by the front of his clothes, "No. You do not," he hissed in the man's face before throwing him back. The jarl slumped in his seat, looking frightened, as did the others at the table, who Loki only now remembered were there. Sverrir coughed at his left and said,

"Perhaps we should get on with the activities the jarl has so kindly planned for us?"

If Sverrir was using his slickest voice, then Loki was not doing well today.

"So… what's the matter?" asked Sverrir quietly as they prepared for the hunt the jarl had organised.

"Not now -in fact, never," muttered Loki, his cheeks flushing hot. Sverrir frowned slightly, studying his face.

"Is this about Hlin?"

"Sverrir! Drop it," Loki growled, swinging himself onto his horse.

"Papa!"

Loki twisted in the saddle in time to say, "Don't come up behind Sleipnir! He's smart, but he's still a horse."

Jörmungandr obediently did a light dance away from Sleipnir's four back legs and reached for Loki's ankle. "Papa, can I go on the hunt? Please! Please!"

"Not today Jörmungandr, I want you to stay here with Hlin and Fenrir."

"Why?" Jörmungandr whined. Loki reached down to ruffle his hair, but Jörmungandr ducked away, scowling up at him. Loki sighed as Hlin came over and tugged Jörmungandr away,

"Come little prince, we'll amuse ourselves in the forest, won't we?"

Jörmungandr grunted and stamped his foot, storming away. Loki watched him stomp off, his thin shoulders hunched around his ears and wondered if he should let him come along.

"He'll be fine my king," said Hlin gently, her hand touching his shin. Loki looked down at her and his stomach gave a faint flutter as he took in her big eyes, slightly parted pink lips and her breasts straining against her dress. It occurred to him that he could lean down and kiss her, and she would probably accept it with enthusiasm. He inhaled sharply and looked away.

"Yes, thank you," he muttered, "I shall see you and the boys later."

He kicked Sleipnir into a trot and refused to look back, even though he could feel her watching him.


How had it happened, Loki asked himself as he followed the jarl into the forest, his bow resting against his thigh and his quiver on his back. How had he let himself get so far? He thought back to the clumsy pass Hlin had made at him so long ago, and how awkward he had felt rebuffing her.

Hlin was just a girl.

She was old enough to feature in your fantasy last night, he reminded himself, scanning the area for their prey.

That's different! I didn't even mean for her to be there.

And yet she was. Besides, she's not as young as she seems, after all, mother only takes on girls of a certain age.

Still innocent, she deserves someone who isn't in mourning for his wife, a wife who might not even be dead. And what would Sigyn do if she found out? She would probably never forgive me.

Or she might understand, after all, she was the one who would say that we could take lovers in the future.

Shared lovers! And with agreement from both of us. I can't ask Sigyn's permission, therefore I cannot break my promises.

Sigyn understands the need for intimacy, she understands sex better than anyone.

But I don't want to just use Hlin. I care for her too much. I lo- I care for her.

Loki shook his head to clear it of his contradictory thoughts. It was all pointless. He would not take Hlin as a mistress –if for no other reason, his mother would skin him alive. It had been one of her worries about Hlin going with him and the boys on the trip. Loki had been rather insulted at her implications that he might now seduce Hlin for his own comfort, not helped by her worrying over his own vulnerability to Hlin's infatuation. It had only been a few months since the rebellion, since he had lost Sigyn, so the idea had been intolerable. Now though, maybe his mother had had point.

There was a flash of blue and Loki looked to his left, drawing an arrow from his quiver and notching it. He caught a glimpse of blue feathers and squeezed Sleipnir's sides with his legs. The horse stopped at once without a sound and Loki drew back his bowstring to his chin. He watched the movement of the feathers until he saw white among blue and released the arrow. It cut through the air and there was a squawk cut off almost at once as the arrow hit the giant bird in the chest, straight through the heart.

"Majesty!" cried the jarl in genuine astonishment, "Well shot!"

Loki shrugged and set his bow away again, kicking Sleipnir into a trot over to the dead bird. Half the height of a man, with brilliant blue feathers making it double the length, the bird was a fine beast, only found in this area of Asgard. Loki had struck an older male, which was good, he disliked killing the younger ones, it seemed unfair.

"Gather it up and take it back to the village," ordered the jarl. "We'll continue on, won't we my king?"

Loki nodded and glanced back at Sverrir who was looking a little ill.

"Are you alright?" he asked his friend.

"Fine majesty," Sverrir groaned, "I just don't like hunting."

"Then why did you come?"

"Because I'm afraid of leaving you alone with that jarl," Sverrir muttered. Loki huffed,

"I can control myself you know."

"Yes, but that doesn't mean you should have to put up with him on your own." Sverrir grinned at him and Loki felt his lips curve into a smile.

"Come and have dinner with me, Hlin and the boys tonight. Bring your wife and children," he said, reaching out and clapping him on the leg. "It's been ages since I've seen them properly."

Sverrir grinned and nodded, "I'm sure Ilmr will be thrilled."

Loki gave him a dubious look and Sverrir blushed, "She doesn't hate you like you think. She's just frustrated that I'm so busy."

"She's not my biggest fan either," said Loki.

"She thinks you give me too much hot air to inflate my head, you know she's nervous of all this change. It makes her worry that there'll be a huge backlash."

Loki reached up and clasped Sverrir at the back of his neck, "I will not let anything happen to you or your family. You have been the one to keep me sane these past four years, more than anyone else. You will never know how grateful I am, my friend."

Sverrir smiled gratefully and squeezed Loki's arm. "I'm glad to do it my friend."

Loki shifted in his saddle to bump brows with Sverrir, and as he did, he got the sense that someone was watching them. He looked around and found the jarl watching them with a disgusted expression. He tried to clear his face before Loki saw it, but Loki knew disgust when he saw it and he snorted, "Oh dear, someone thinks we're being too intimate again."

Sverrir giggled, "Maybe we should just kiss, as a double bluff."

Loki shoved him away, "No thanks, your breath stinks."

Sverrir yelped as he slid sideways, almost off his horse, but caught himself just in time. "You're a mean man!"

"But a generous king, yes?"

"Yes, yes," he sighed, reseating himself. "Come on, let's see how many other animals we can kill today."


Jörmungandr was still sulking when Loki came back, sitting on the ground and drawing in the dirt, his bottom lip sticking out. Hlin greeted Loki with a curtsey and a warm smile, a lock of hair falling from the knot she had pulled it into. Loki's finger itched to push it away as she said,

"Prince Fenrir has been missing his father, and Prince Jörmungandr is determined to be angry with you."

"Well I can take care of one problem right now," he said taking Fenrir into his hands and kissing the small face three times before tucking Fenrir against his chest. "Mmm, did you miss me son?" he rumbled, nose pressed against the downy soft hair on top of Fenrir's head. Fenrir's nails scratched his skin as he opened and closed his little hands, legs kicking out, then relaxing. Loki could feel little bubbles of spit on his neck where Fenrir rested his face. He was still so small, and despite Eir repeatedly assuring him that the boys would eventually grow as normal children did, Loki worried that Fenrir would never become more than the helpless infant he was.

There was a tiny, selfish part of him that did not mind so much, it had given him time to enjoy being a father when he had waited so long.

There was a thump as Jörmungandr punched the mud mound he had made, squelching mud everywhere. Loki looked away, he could not indulge the misbehaviour, as much as he wanted to apologise for leaving Jörmungandr behind.

"We're going to be having dinner with Sverrir and his family," he said in a voice loud enough for Jörmungandr to hear him.

"I'll set the table," said Hlin with a dip of her head.

"No, no, the others can do that," said Loki, waving a hand at the servants that were already filing in to do their work. "You're not a maid Hlin, you're the nurse of the princes, you don't need to do everything yourself."

Hlin smiled up at him, "I like being useful… I enjoy looking after you all." She reached out to him and for a second Loki thought she was reaching for his face, "You've a feather stuck in your hair." She pulled it out and showed it to him. Then she opened her fingers and blew the feather away, which made Loki chuckle as he watched the feather drift away.

When he glanced back Hlin was looking at him intently, without any blush in her cheeks. Her eyes were bright, almost burning, as she stared up into his face. It struck Loki just how much she had grown since he had first taken proper notice of her four years ago. She no longer looked like the timid girl who had peeped through the curtains of his bed in the healing room to check on him. The streak of confidence and boldness that had driven her to try to kiss him five years ago had grown with every passing year. No longer did Hlin try to hide behind her hair, instead she stood tall and held her head up, and wore whatever pleased her, not what was 'acceptable'. Loki had noticed quite a few women copying her style, but it never worked for them. Hlin stood out now, and did not try to blend in at all. She was still soft spoken and gentle, curious and eager to please, but no longer did she shy away from anyone.

"My king?" she asked quietly, eyes widening slightly and Loki blinked, realising he had been staring. He reached up with his free hand and took her chin between his thumb and forefinger. A faint blush finally crept into her cheeks and she licked her lips nervously.

"You've grown so much Hlin, make sure you never let anyone try to take that away from you," he murmured. Hlin smiled with pleasure and she dropped her head shyly, only for her lips to catch on Loki's thumb. Loki inhaled sharply and a tingle spread out from her touch. Hlin froze, her lips slightly parted against his thumb pad, eyes darkening as she stared up at him. For a single, long moment, Loki wanted her, consequences be damned, and he leaned in to replace his thumb with his own lips. His heart was hammering in his chest and he could hear the slightly ragged edge of Hlin's breathing.

"I'm not sitting next to Áki."

Both of them jumped and looked at Jörmungandr who pouted up at Loki and said petulantly, "He's dumb!"

"Well with that attitude no one will want to sit with you either," said Loki curtly. Jörmungandr blinked as if stunned and even Loki was surprised at himself.

"I'm a prince!" said Jörmungandr with a mulish expression.

"So what? It doesn't mean anyone will like you," said Loki sharply. "If you're not kind to people, they won't like you."

"Everyone's nice to you,"

"Only some are actually being nice. The rest are trying to win me over, but I'm old enough and experienced enough to tell the difference."

Jörmungandr's scowl shifted into something more confused, "What do they want?"

"Many things, mostly power," said Loki, not sure if Jörmungandr had actually understood the original point. "Now, if you are rude to Áki or Rind, you won't be given any dessert, do you understand?"

Jörmungandr scowled again, and nodded.

"Good, now go wash up," said Loki, pointing at his muddy hands and clothes. Jörmungandr huffed and stomped off into his bedroom. "What do I do about him?" Loki asked himself aloud.

"My king, I think Jörmungandr will be happier once we get back to Idavoll," said Hlin gently, taking Fenrir from him. "He's tired of constant movement, that's all. We're nearly home again, and I'm sure he'll be much more his happy self when we get back."

Loki was not so sure. Jörmungandr was not exactly the sweet boy he had remembered for so long. He could be moody, secretive, jealous and temperamental. In short, he was too much like Loki and Loki had no idea what to do about it.

Sigyn would know, he thought to himself as Hlin went after Jörmungandr, she would know exactly how to handle him.

"My king?"

Loki looked around to see the jarl in the entrance bowing deeply to him.

"Yes?"

"I wished to invite you personally to a… performance tonight."

"Tonight? I'm having dinner with my sons and my friends, I shall not be available."

"It's not an early event. In fact it is unusually late. Perhaps after your dinner?" The jarl's lips pulled into a smirk, "I assure your majesty, it is a performance you will not soon forget."

"Yes, yes, fine! If I am finished in time I will go," said Loki impatiently as he heard Jörmungandr's voice loud and sharp coming from his room. He did not even dismiss the jarl as he left him.

It turned out the upset was over Hlin's choice of colours for him. She had picked the green tunic with gold highlights.

"I won't wear it!" Jörmungandr shouted. "I want to wear my blue tunic!"

"But my prince, it's your father's colour," said Hlin.

"Then he can wear it," snapped Jörmungandr, throwing the tunic on the ground and stomping on it.

"JÖRMUNGANDR!" bellowed Loki, his voice so loud it was like a small explosion in the room. Jörmungandr jumped and stumbled back in shock, while Fenrir wailed and turned into a whimpering puppy in Hlin's arms. "How dare you behave like this," Loki growled, rage boiling in his blood. "How dare you act as if you have any right to be so ungrateful and rude? I'm ashamed to call you my son!"

A quivering silence fell over the room as Jörmungandr stared in fear at Loki and started to shake. Horrified, Loki turned on his heels and strode out of the tent before he lost any more control. He nearly knocked Dag over as he went, but he did not halt, nor did he pause when people called his name, he kept walking until he crossed the Ás-made boarder between the village and the forest. As soon as he was under the shadows of the trees, he drew his seiðr inward, gave a whole body shudder and transformed into a stallion. With his four legs he galloped through the forest, head down and unheeding where he was going.

Only when his long, sturdy legs felt like jelly did he stop, falling to his Aesir knees and curling up against a boulder, pressing his hands to his face. His heart hammered against his chest and he sat there shaking for a while, sucking in deep rattling breaths.

He would not have struck Jörmungandr, Loki knew he was not capable of that. Still, he had seen the fear in Jörmungandr's eyes and he hated it. He had sworn he would never let his children fear him the way he had been afraid of Odin.

Maybe Frigga had been right, and he should have left the boys behind to be raised by her and Hlin while he attended to this inspection. Yet even as the thought crossed his mind, Loki shook his head. He would have been separated from the boys for two years if he had done that and he shuddered violently at the thought. No, his boys were to stay with him, even if one was being difficult. Still, it hurt to see his sons struggling with a life he had dragged them into. Jörmungandr had been so excited to be travelling with his papa, he had imagined great adventures like the ones Loki had told him about at night. Sadly, the mundaneness of courtly travel had worn that away quite quickly.

Loki had sworn that he would not make the mistakes Odin did, putting the throne above his children, yet was this not what he had done? Had he not put the throne before his sons' needs? Jörmungandr needed a stable environment, and Fenrir needed security, he had spent half this trip in puppy form, which was a vast increase to what Loki had managed to coax him down to during the first year.

He ought to just forget about the last three villages and go home now. He was sick of this travelling, and he wanted to be back at home in his own rooms, in the familiar space of his childhood, where he could find all the items Sigyn had left behind and remind himself that she was not dead no matter how much it felt like she was when he was alone and miserable.

Loki flopped onto his back and stared up at the trees and the sky behind them. He was tired of feeling empty when he had so much, he was tired of dealing with such minutia as he had been, but most of all he was tired of listening to himself whine about it.

"But you're so good at self-pity Loki,"

Loki closed his eyes with a sigh, "No."

"Yes you are!"

"I mean, no. I am not doing this," said Loki sitting up and facing the illusion of Thor who was sitting on the boulder above him. "I am not going to have an argument with a projection of my brother that is merely an extension of myself. I'm not doing it."

"Why not?" asked Thor with a smirk.

"Because it's been done to death in sagas, I don't need it happening in real life," said Loki waving his hand and dissolving the illusion before it could speak again, muttering to himself, "Need to get a better hold of my seiðr again. I will not become the mad sorcerer who talks to his illusions more than real people." He tilted his head and sighed, "In which case talking to myself probably isn't much of a step up."

He lay back again and rested his hands on his stomach, listening to his own breathing. Despite knowing that he needed to go back, he could not make himself move. So he simply lay there, watching the clouds pass overhead.

It was the first time in a long time that he had been completely alone, he realised, running his fingers through the grass. Even in his bedchamber, it was still a tent, and Hlin and the boys weren't far away. Now he could hear nothing but the breeze and the occasional twitter of birds. It was so relaxing, he wanted to sleep there, pretend he was out on a private adventure. However, he knew he could not stay and he rolled over to his knees, pushing up to his feet. He drew himself up and started walking through the forest. It was actually quite a walk back, and he only arrived in the middle of the night.

A tearful Jörmungandr was waiting for him with Hlin, he had refused any attempts to go to bed, and was shivering with a sleepy chill. His rasping voice was strangled by sobs as he apologised over and over again, and Loki shushed him, promising he would never leave him. Loki slept in Jörmungandr's bed the rest of the night and as he lay there, he found himself looking over at Hlin's bed, and thinking about how easy it would be to put out an arm and take her hand.