I was asked for a sequel to 'Used To Be' where Deeks starts his trek to becoming a lawyer once more. I hope you guys like the new story!
Warning: None as of yet.
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Stretching his hands above his head Deeks let out a pleased moan feeling his back crack. It felt so good finally getting out of the hunched over position he had been in for… Honestly, he didn't know how long he had been in that position.
He remembered setting up a little work place on the kitchen table after they got back from the beach, but that felt like both five minutes ago and five years ago. He was so exhausted he thought he was going to pass out on the books. Again.
It had been a long time since he had pulled all-nighters studying, but that was what he was doing now. And, to be honest, he felt horrible when he stopped long enough to pay attention to anything but the words on the pages.
A voice in the back of his head told him, for the hundredth time, to go to bed. It sounded so nice to go to bed and just crash. Just curl up under the blankets and sleep for the rest of his natural born life. It would be perfect.
He'd do anything at the moment to sleep. Except actually going into his bedroom, change into his pajamas, and lie down in bed. He couldn't bring himself to do that though and he had no idea why that was.
Every time he tried to get up to go to bed he only got to the doorway of the kitchen before he ended up turning back around and going back to the table. It made no sense considering how much he really wanted to just sleep.
So instead of taking care of himself and paying attention to the rest of the world he sat at the table reading. Which would have been a little bit more understandable if he was reading something that was new to him.
All the books that he had picked up at the store and all the things he looked up online he already knew. He had learned only a handful of things since he started studying. You'd think after so many years of being out of the game something would have changed.
It felt like riding a bike. He knew exactly what he was doing. He hadn't been a lawyer or a cop for years. There had to be something in the world that had changed while he was gone. It couldn't have all just stayed the same.
He had no idea what he was supposed to think of it all. Truthfully, at the moment, he didn't even want to think. Something that he had been doing rather successfully since Hetty had given him the job offer.
At least most of the time. Every once in awhile he could feel all the thoughts that he had been pushing away trying to escape. It was like they wanted to drive him insane, but so far he was able to ignore them all.
He knew that he wasn't doing himself or his family any favors, but he didn't care. Well, he did care, he cared a lot. He just knew that things wouldn't end well if he let his thoughts take over. The last thing he wanted to do was get lost in them.
That was something that he had perfected over the years. His mind was not the place that he liked getting trapped in. For as much as people call him happy and smiley he knew the truth. He knew just how dark his mind really was.
It scared him more than he liked to admit. So he pushed the thoughts away until they became a part of him. He was never going to get rid of them. There wasn't really a point in trying to anymore. He had to live with them.
When he first realized what he was doing he thought about every persona that he used to play. He wondered if maybe he had worked in the field to long and he had actually lost a piece of himself in that life.
Of course as soon as he thought that he pushed it away and buried it. He wasn't an undercover cop anymore. There was no point in him getting lost in those thoughts. He was just a stay-at-home father now. He was safe from that life.
He had walked a way from it all. There was no reason for him to think about it anymore. It wasn't as if there was a chance that he would ever have to pretend to be anyone other than who he was. It was fine.
Anyway, there were so many things in his life that he had to be focused on instead. Like his family and his possible new job. He didn't have the time to think about things that didn't effect him anymore.
With a deep breath he stood up and went to the sink to grab a glass of water. It probably would have been a good idea to grab something to eat since he hadn't eaten since… Blinking he turned to the clock only to jump when he came face to face with his husband.
"Sorry," Callen mouthed before bending down to pick up the glass that he dropped.
Deeks stared at the older man as he moved back up and placed the glass on the counter behind him. His stomach already felt like it was in knots seeing the man in their home in the middle of the day. That was never a good sign.
At least he didn't think it was. It hadn't actually happened before. Kensi and Nell dropped by if something bad was happening. He had even seen Sam take up watch over the house more than once, but never Callen himself.
Cocking his head to the side he looked over the man trying to figure out why he was there. There had to be a reason. Callen wasn't the type of man to leave work for a quick-y. Deeks had asked enough times to know that.
"Is everything okay?" Deeks signed his eyes still roaming over his husband looking to see if he was hurt under his clothes.
"I don't know," Callen replied with a sad smile, "You tell me."
"What? Cryptic is not a good look for you, babe. What's going on?"
"I just… I think we need to talk."
"Okay. Still not getting the details. What's wrong?"
Deeks watched the older man sigh. He looked like the weight of the world was on his shoulders in that moment. He had always hated seeing the man like that. Even before they were together. It was just not a good look.
After a moment of silence Callen placed a hand on the small of his back and pushed his towards the living room. As they made their way to the couch he wished that the older man wasn't behind him. He doubted the expression had changed, but he wanted to be sure.
By the time they were sitting down Deeks felt like his heart was going to pound out of his chest. There was no way that whatever was going on was good. Callen might not be the best at talking about things, but he wouldn't put him through this for no reason.
"G," Deeks whispered staring into the man's eyes, "Please."
"I don't mean to scare you," the agent signed with a half shrug, "I promise no one is hurt or dead and no one is coming after us again."
"That's good to know. It doesn't really help though."
"I know. I'm sorry."
"Callen, just tell me what's going on before I explode."
"Okay, but I need you to be honest."
"G."
"Alright. You haven't been to bed in two days."
"Two days? That can't be right. We just went to the beach yesterday."
"That was on Saturday. It's Monday."
"If it was Monday I would have taken the kids to school this morning. I would have made the breakfast."
"You were passed out on the books so I took care of everything."
"I was passed out on the books? That doesn't… Really?"
"Yeah. Really."
Looking away from the older man Deeks let his eyes dart around the house trying to figure out if anything had changed in the house. There had to be some difference if he had been down for the count for two days.
It didn't make sense that he would be so far deep into the books that he would be ignoring his family for days. That wasn't he person that he was. He cared too much about them to let his own life take over like that.
"I don't… I'm sorry," Deeks started feeling more than a little confused, "I didn't realize that I did that. I thought… I'm sorry."
"Marty," Callen tried his eyes boring into his own, "Why haven't you been to bed lately? Why have you been so distant?"
"I was studying. I swear, G, I didn't mean to ignore you or the kids."
"Marty. The truth."
Blinking a few times Deeks stared at the older man. His heart felt like it had stopped beating. He had been telling the truth. Hadn't he? He had just gotten a little lost in his studying. There was no reason for him to lie about that.
That's what he wanted to tell himself at least. Something that would make sense if he had been learning something. He wasn't though. He was staring at words on a page. Words that he had known for years.
The feeling of wanting to run hit him suddenly and he had no idea why. It wasn't as if he had been doing anything wrong. He just… He didn't know what he was doing anymore. He hated feeling that way.
Feeling a hand come up and cup the back of his head he let his head be directed over until he was looking into the sky blue eyes. A smile came to the agent's lips before he was being pulled forward. He couldn't help but sigh into the kiss and let himself relax.
For that moment it was like the rest of the world washed away. It was peaceful and perfect. It reminded him that he was still in love with his husband. Something he really hoped he was never going to lose.
Callen broke the kiss first though he didn't move away. For a moment they simply sat there breathing each other in. Their lips brushing against each other every once in awhile. They hadn't done something like that since they first started dating.
"I love you," Callen muttered against his lips before pulling away and continuing to sign, "Tell me, what's going on in that mind of yours."
"I don't know," Deeks replied with a shrug, "I'm not really thinking a lot."
"You're always thinking."
"Maybe I'm tired of thinking."
"Marty."
"No, I'm… I should take a shower and clean everything up. Should probably check to see if we have everything for dinner while I'm at it."
Moving to stand up he tried to walk away only for a strong hand to wrap around his wrist and pull him back down. He didn't want to look at his husband and continue that conversation. He had things that he had to do.
The hand came back to cup the side of his face once more. He fought it for a second just wanting to have the whole conversation dropped. They could deal with it when they actually had free time.
It took a moment but he finally gave into the older man and let his face be directed back over to him. He could see the concern clear in his eyes and, in that moment, he hated himself for putting it there.
"Stop running from this," Callen stated making sure Deeks eyes were on him.
"I'm not running," Deeks argued for arguments sake.
"Really? Are you really trying to tell me that you're not running?"
"I'm really telling you that. I got lost in studying. That's all."
"No one gets that lost in studying unless they're trying to hide."
"And you'd be the expert on that?"
"Deeks, you know you've been hiding in those books. That you've been hiding for years."
Glaring at the older man Deeks stood up and took a few steps away. He could barely believe what the man was saying. Or he didn't want to believe he words. He didn't want to think about it too hard.
"In case you've forgotten," Deeks offered with a sarcastic roll of his eyes, "I've been a little busy raising our children. It's a little hard to do anything but take care of them when they're that young."
"I haven't forgotten," Callen shot back climbing to his feet as well, "I have gotten a little pissed at us both for letting it get this far. It's better late than never though. You have the time to..."
"Callen."
"You have the time to figure out who you are now."
"G."
"Am I wrong? If you can tell me honestly then I'll drop it."
"Are you wrong? I don't even know what the hell you're talking about."
"I'm talking about the fact that you put everything on hold to raise our kids. I'm talking about the fact that you finally have a turn to be yourself again. To find out who you are out of an undercover cop or a father. You can figure yourself out."
"I don't need a turn. I know who I am."
"Marty, I love you. I truly do, but for the past few years all you've been doing is being a father and a husband. I know that's not all you are though. You need to find out who that person is."
"I know who I am, Callen."
"You went from being an undercover detective to stay-at-home father without any say in it or an adjustment period. All you know is how to be those two things."
Deeks felt like he had been sucker punched at those words. It was like the dam that he had built about those thoughts was starting to crack and he had never hated Callen more for making him think about them again.
"I was there," Deeks signed taking a menacing step forward, "I know who I am!"
"Then tell me." Callen countered moving forward until they were toe to toe, "Outside of being a father who are you?"
"I'm the person that's done with this conversation. I have things to do and so do you. Go back to work, Callen."
