A/N: Okay, here's where I make a massive admission. I realise I'm being to get a little samey as an author. So, I want prompts. Specifically, fluff prompts. I want something to try and make me so over reliant on angst - not that angst is a bad thing, everyone knows how much I love it. However, I really need to start expanding my horizons again. That being said, this piece is still dark. Because of recent events in my life, it's all I was able to write at this specific moment in time.

Thank you to: Jisbon4ever, watchyouwalk, Famous4it, Viktorija, PhoenixWytch, Frogster, lil smiles, phoenixmagic1 and boutondor for reviewing stop living in the moment. Also, a massive thank you to Miss Peg for betaing.

x tromana


Title: Constant Shadow of Death
Author: tromana
Rating: T
Characters: Lisbon (mild Jane/Lisbon)
Summary: And that's just what she's doing. Going through the motions, I mean.
Disclaimer: Not mine
Spoilers: Up to 2x16 Code Red
Notes: 50 Phrases: sad; For 06: Naïve in prompt table I for mentalistprompt. Beta'd by miss_peg

Constant Shadow of Death

Grief.

Funny word, isn't it? Grief.

Means very great sadness, especially after the death of someone.

Though I guess, it can't just be any someone. Has to be somebody close to you for it to really mean a thing. Otherwise, it's just empathy, pity. There's nothing personal there. Could be feeling sorry for the man down the street, whose Gran's just died or a celebrity who has just miscarried.

It doesn't hurt.

Not the way it does when it's somebody who means something.

And that's where she's at right now.

Teresa Lisbon, that is.

You see her? Over there, in her office. If you peek between the blinds, then you'll see her. Yeah, that's the one. The woman with the hunched shoulders, the brown hair obscuring her face as she reads the form for the seventeenth time running. Why seventeen? Because she simply hasn't been able to focus on it.

Too distracted.

By grief.

Watch the way she swallows repeatedly. The way she grows increasingly distracted and then grows frustrated with herself for her lack of focus.

Look in her eyes.

It's cliché, I know, but they're usually alive. With sparkle, fire, whatever the hell you want to call it. Not that deadened look, which suggests she's merely going through the motions rather than actually living.

And that's just what she's doing. Going through the motions, I mean.

You see, she is exposed to death on a day in, day out basis. Thinks she's hardened to it, knows how to cope.

Besides, it's not as if she's been here before.

Her parents died when she was still young. Painfully so, even. Then there were grandparents, other elderly relatives too. She's been exposed to death so frequently that she believes that dealing with it should get easier.

She understands the motions now.

Shock, denial, bargaining, guilt, anger, depression, hope.

But she's naïve. Understanding the motions doesn't make it any easier. If anything, it makes it harder.

Why?

Because each and every time you go through it, each stage drags a little longer. Each time it's a little more painful because it's yet another person you've lost. Yet another person who you'll never see again.

Doesn't matter if it was too soon or about their time, it still hurts.

Right now, Lisbon is loitering somewhere between anger and depression.

She's angry because she believes she should have been able to save him. Her friend who died relatively recently. Within in the CBI headquarters. Angry with the medical staff for not saving him. Because, damn it, he had been on the road to recovery. He was getting better. And besides, they'd lied to her. She's no medic, but what the hell kind of an excuse is 'losing too much blood' anyway?

As for the depression, well, she's been like that for months. Since it happened, really. She's turning into a martyr for her cause. Has started declining nights out with old college friends, refusing to socialize with her work colleagues.

Stopped baiting Patrick Jane, even.

And that's saying something.

He's over there, on the couch.

Like Lisbon, he's still in the grieving process. However, instead of actively trying to work his way out of it, he's taken a completely different route to deal with it: 's not to say he can't think about other things, other people and isn't worried about Lisbon, nor trying to plot ways to break her out of this funk.

The crazy, supposedly life-affirming stunt he's recently pulled worked, if only for a short while, not that she'd admit it.

Or at least, she smiled a little. Mostly because she really enjoyed punching him in the nose.

Which between you and me, is something she really deserved to do. The amount of crap he's thrown in her general direction, it's a wonder she hasn't snapped before now.

But that isn't the only ace Jane has up his sleeve. He has other plans too, ones that he's pretty damn certain will work.

Which is good really, considering that Lisbon has been grieving for longer than any normal person would in her shoes. But that's down to who she is, what she's already been through. It's only natural for her to focus on it for longer than average.

Though, not as long as Jane himself, of course.

However, there is a positive to this. It'll be over soon. She'll realize that she's been dwelling on this for far too long, that she's shutting people out and needs to rectify that. It's not healthy for her, unfair on those around her and really, there's a time and a place to move on.

She'll turn around that corner and soon.

How do I know?

It's because she's Lisbon.

And who am I? Just a blast from her past, a ghost if you will. Keeping an eye on her because frankly, who else will?

Apart from Mr. Jane, of course.

One day soon, things will get better for her.

Or at least, I hope they will.

end