Diary of an Ordinary Citizen of Camelot


Year 4


Arthur hasn't noticed how despite the zombie take-over and Morgana's massacre of citizenry, almost everyone in Camelot is still around. He certainly hasn't noticed that all the Pendragon loyalists were the ones who got themselves killed when they didn't flee to the forest with the rest of us.

Luckily for him, despite his out-moded views on magic, the Underground has a vested interest in keeping him on the throne. He's fueling up to fifteen betting pots.


Uther was completely defeated, in the hands of the person who wants the most to kill him in the entire world, and now apparently comatose—but he still isn't dead. There is really only one rational explanation for this: he's a zombie.

His 'differently alive' state is the only way to justify how he's survived so many attempts on his life. Currently, King Arthur has him locked up in his room, and he seems to be in a placid state. But first sign of him biting anyone, and we'll have no choice but to bring out the torches and pitchforks. Nothing to ruin a perfectly good Camelot like a brain-eating plague of zombies.


Horrible day for Camelot! The barriers between worlds have been breached! Doom is upon us!

Why, just the other day, I was bringing a basket of mended clothing to one of my best customers (Goodwife Sulla, has twelve kids and all of them boys, who can be counted on to rip, stain, or set fire to at least one piece of clothing a day) when someone knocked into me and set me flying.

It was—a stranger. Someone I never met before. Someone who wasn't a cousin or a step or even an old neighbor. A complete and utter stranger, walking around my Camelot! When he told me he had walked fifty miles from the country, naturally I hit him over the head with my basket and ran for my life.

I was lucky. Others have attempted communication, and fled in tears. These people don't understand that nobles in Camelot aren't to be bothered with anything important, are actually upset by random displays of magic, and worst of all, someone told my second youngest half-sister Maura that her searching Prince Arthur's dirty laundry for clues as to his romantic affairs was "kind of creepy."

Also, the dead have risen and haunt the streets of Camelot as howling shades.

Somehow, this is all Uther's fault.


Was deeply traumatized today by three strange children barging into my house. Did not think that "being chased by floating skulls" was much of an excuse for not even knocking.

Not my fault that they found my sorcerous work bench. Their reaction was completely disproportionate to their findings—aren't children supposed to like bugs?

Also not my fault they ran out into the walking graveyard and almost got Sir Percival killed. Even so, my involvement in his near-death is a strict secret from his fan girls. (They are few in number but terrifying beyond measure.)


Lancelot is dead! Why, cruel gods, why! Never again will any girl be able to follow him around Camelot, steal pieces of his hair and anything small he leaves lying about, or spy on him through that crack in the men's bath.

Those last two were Sarah Anne, by the way, not me. I was appalled by her behavior and only accepted half of Lancelot's hat as a bribe for silence in order to keep it safe from whatever she might plan to do with it. You can't choose your family, after all.

The walking dead are gone, but it wasn't worth it.


The full story of Lancelot's death was revealed courtesy of Tarl, drinking buddy of Sir Gwaine. Such a sad story of sacrifice and true love. I can't even be smug about how Lancelot's decision to sacrifice himself reveals his true feelings for his liege Arthur. Marv refused to pay out anything on the betting pool due to ambiguity about the knight's motives (he could have been in love with Merlin), but I didn't have the heart to argue with the skunk.

Little Marla bet her dolly and every bit of her 30 silvers in savings on Lancelot turning up again. Poor girl hasn't learned how to separate her heart from her head in betting.


The circus came to Camelot!

Not surprisingly, the circus tried to kill Prince Arthur. But really, the only visitors to Camelot who don't try to kill Arthur are the ones too busy trying to kill Uther.

This lot was almost certainly hired by King Uther. Don't think the citizens of Camelot didn't notice him laughing and cheering as knives were thrown at his son. He's abandoned all pretense of subtly.


Word on the street has it that Uther went nuts and attacked someone. For zombies, it's always only a matter of time.

Myself and the rest of Camelot gathered around the castle today with candles. If Arthur can't bring himself to do the right thing and put his father down, we'll have no choice but to storm the place with fire and pitchforks. Once a zombie has eaten its first brain, it becomes a danger to all the living.


Arthur's dim-witted servant tried to sneak past the mob yesterday disguised as an old man. He seemed to think that if he had his cloak over his head, we couldn't see him.

Or maybe he just thinks everyone is as oblivious as Arthur. Honestly, why is our prince going out to the forest looking for a sorcerer when one in every four citizens of Camelot knows a few hedge charms?

Also, Merlin clearly has that aging potion backwards. If the silly boy made it a youth potion he could make an absolute fortune selling it. He'd be rich enough to pay Arthur to clean his boots—the prince will need the money. It's only a matter of time before the stores stop taking Camelot's credit, and once Prince Arthur opens Camelot's vault, he's in for a nasty surprise. The termites got in last week.


Uther's funeral was today. A quiet and sedate ceremony to the tune "Ding-Dong the Wicked Witch is Dead."

Prince-turned-King Arthur put out the story that he was wounded heroically saving his son's life, and then poisoned by a sorcerer. We all assumed that he was just trying to save face since zombification is not a proper royal way to die. However, he took a moment to thank the citizens of Camelot for their touching candlelight vigil, so maybe he is that dumb.

At least his sorcerer of a servant seems to have recognized the undead and laid it to rest. Nice job, Merlin.

Third cousin Myrtle says she's not bringing out the special bottle of champagne until it's been confirmed for a full year that Uther won't rise again. Myself, I say the body should have been given the full garlic-silver-and-beheading treatment before burial. Wonder how long until he comes back as a ghost?


Camelot's castle is a disgraceful ruin and no one seems to care. Merlin is the only person who is even bothering to investigate our infestation of wood worms. It's a pity the poor sweet boy keeps looking around King Arthur's bedroom instead of down in the wine cellars were the nest is, but it's the thought that counts.


One-Nosed Tom spotted a dragon's egg peeking out of Merlin's backpack today. Oh, and my third littlest cousin Suzie heard him singing to it as he walked home. Who does the silly boy think he is, the last Dragonlord? Oh, and I suppose he thinks that it's the last dragon egg too.

That drunk sot Ashkanar was always trying to make himself sound more important than he actually was, going on about his mystical tower and his magical egg. Someone ought to tell Merlin about the five score other dragon eggs scattered around Camelot.

Why, I myself have my own dragon egg, passed down to me by my mother, and her mother before her, and her mother, and her mother, etc.

It has a nice pointy shape, so I use it as a hat stand.


Arthur beheaded a foreign king today, claimed that it would show "the people" he had strength. Speaking of as one of the people, I think it would have been smarter to hold the king hostage so they can't attack us again, but hey, I'm just a seamstress.

Guardsman Errol spotted the King sneaking out at night that evening, naturally followed him (Arthur's love life is all of Camelot's business). Overheard him breaking up with that maid Gwen, because the people wouldn't approve of their relationship. Honestly, the nobility of Camelot are always talking about what "the people" want. Have they ever asked us? Taken a poll?

I took a survey at my weekly sewing bee. Result: 25% of the people of Camelot think Arthur should marry Gwen: because they look good together, because it's romantic like Cinderella, or because they have money riding on it. About 15% want Arthur and Gwaine to be together, 5% Arthur and Percival, 5% Arthur and Lancelot (Lancelot used to be much higher, before he died. But there are still a few hanger-ons who want Arthur to stay chaste and true to Lancelot for the rest of his life, and a strong sect who vote for vampire!Lancelot). A few fringe crazies suggested Arthur, Gwen and her brother Elyan, which led to a number of threesomes I refuse to list. Oh, and an astonishing 54% are rooting for Arthur and his servant. Finally, about 75% voted for Arthur X Themselves.

If you're wondering about the overlap, many voted for more than one category.

Hm. If Arthur wants to please the people of Camelot, he's going to need to start a harem.


Arthur and the knights of Camelot marched off to war. Marched back a few days later, claiming victory. Does he think we're idiots? What kind of war ends with no one dead? Bet "marching to war" is just a code name for "went out boozing and gambling."


My half cousin's stepbrother Brad found his pig poisoned today, after eating the dinner Arthur's servant prepared. The obvious conclusion: Merlin tried to kill the king. But really, who in Camelot hasn't tried to kill the king, been accused of trying to kill the king, or foiled a plot against the king at some point or another? Now Merlin has done all three. Very precocious, that boy.

No one really sees any need to report this to the authorities.


King Arthur came to the tavern today. Looking for his servant Merlin, who he says has been gone two days. Why was he looking here? I've never seen Merlin drink. He looks underage.


Very exciting day here at Camelot. Merlin tried to stab Arthur and missed, Morgana tried to stab Merlin and missed, Gaius tried to stab a snake in Merlin's neck and also missed: is there anyone in Camelot who knows how to aim?

Wait, Lord Agravaine tried to stab Gaius in the back and seems to have done a good job of it.


Lord Agravaine has been skulking around at night. No big surprise he's trying to kill Arthur (let the betting pool begin on how!) But come one, that one was a gimmee. Any time a boy king has an uncle, he's always evil. Especially if he's his only relative.

Ooo, I know what to call it when a royal uncle tries to kill his king/crown prince nephew: predictable-cide.

Ten silvers on him trying to push Arthur off a cliff. The evil uncles, they always try to push you off a cliff.


The druids' slightly crazy cousins, the Catha, have moved in with them and are driving them crazy. They threw out all the druids' pot-brownies because "your body is your temple" or some other such nonsense. The druids keep dropping by the tavern to complain, and it's getting increasingly hard to hide them from the guard because they insist on wearing these ridiculous robes. Some days I'm actually grateful that most the guards in Camelot aren't too proactive.

On the other hand, may have to agree with the Catha about the druids abusing the magical mushrooms a bit too much. If a single druid had been sober enough to explain to Alator and his friends that Emrys was just a harmless little boy, much trouble would have been avoided.

Instead the Catha got into the mushrooms themselves and ended up pledging allegiance to Arthur's servant boy. The kid is barely out of his teens, and by the time he reaches twenty-five he's going to have such a swollen head…


Word on the street has Merlin and Gwen snuck out of Camelot together last night. Now there was a couple no one bet on, if only because they seemed so brother-sister. The house made a killing.


Apparently Merlin was just investigating a strange illness. All the victims were strapping young men last seen in the company of a beautiful and seductive woman called Lamia.

Someone needs to explain to these country hicks what an "STD" is.


Lancelot is back! Women of Camelot, rejoice. He might not be as fun as Gwaine, but he sure is easy on the eyes.

A sordid love triangle unfolds between Arthur, Gwen and Lancelot. Who will Arthur chose? The scandalous affair with the servant girl or the forbidden love with one of his own knights? Place your bets.

Oh, and Morgana is plotting against the throne again. As if we care. Do I look like I care?


One of Lancelot's stalkers followed him home last night. Noticed that he seemed to be sleeping upside-down like a bat. Also, not breathing.

Opinions of women in Camelot are mixed. Some would take Lancelot even if he was an undead zombie slave of an evil sorceress. Some are actually hoping he'll try to drink their blood. Myself, I say nothing to do with the undead ever ends well.

On the bright side, at least Uther hasn't come back. Yet.


The Underground dispatched a vampire slayer after the undead abomination. Alas, Sarah-Anne spent too much time primping in the mirror for Lancelot, not enough time slaying. King's fiancée Gwen took the fall instead.

I think the sweet girl was only going through a phase. All the girls like vampires when they're young. Alas, Gwen's boyfriend reacted like she'd called him "Edward" in bed and dumped her. Poor girl.

Sarah-Anne cried herself to sleep because Lancelot didn't fall madly in love with her and decide to defy destiny in favor of snogging. My dumb cousin is lucky her vanity didn't get someone killed—Merlin was found on the ground, likely drained by the vampire knight before he went after Gwen.

Knew Lancelot swung both ways. Knew that one slayer a generation was a ridiculous idea, especially if they're all going to be dumb blondes. I'm going to find myself a nice brunette or redhead and start training her to hold a stake.


I've had it with the #$ undead in my #!$ Camelot!

Zombies, ghosts, and vampires, all in one week. Do we have a sign posted outside that says "Dracula family open house, we have cookies"?

At least this time it was just a harmless widdle boy. Poor baby was traumatized by his brutal and horrific murder, and by the druids using his grave as a laundry rack. All he need was a hug and a nice cup of tea.

Tried to kill the king? Pshah. Everyone in Camelot tries to kill the king sooner or later. It's practically a tradition around here, like weasel stomping day.

Why, I still remember the day I saw my very first royal assassination attempt. I was six years old and playing hopscotch when King Uther was making one of his surprise tax-collection visits. He saw a cat jump out of a window and land on its feet, and he screamed that it must by magic and tried to drown it in my grandmother's koi pond. Then the old lady next door rushed outside and tried to beat him to death with her handbag. Ah…good times.


King Arthur's evil uncle becomes more evil every day. Today he killed someone in the middle of the castle, in broad view of two guards and one chambermaid.

The guards didn't try to stop him because they thought he was just kidnapping the boy. Everyone knows that when someone is kidnapped in Camelot, the standard police procedure is to just stand around and do nothing.


King Arthur went out hunting today. I thought this was good news, until I heard he spent the day hunting hapless rabbits and enchanted-women-turned-deer, instead of the undead. What is our king planning to do about the un-living monstrosities infesting our fair Camelot? The people want to know!

If we weren't a monarchy, he'd be hearing about this next election.


King met wealthy and beautiful princess, sold out part of his own kingdom just to get rid of her. It's official: he must be gay.

Personally, I suspect he's pining after Lancelot. Sure, he claimed to be jealous over Gwen, but who can say? Lingering affection for his vampiric lover could also explain why he hasn't done anything about Camelot's little undead problem.

I mean, it's not like he's completely failed to notice that we've started staking and burning our dead, right?


Agravaine finally booted his nephew off the throne: what a surprise. The real shocker was when it was revealed that he was actually planning to put Lady Morgana on the throne. An evil uncle who doesn't want to be king?

I can't bring myself to believe it. He must be planning to betray her too. Otherwise, everything I know about the world is wrong!


Wood worm problem in Camelot has gotten completely out of control. We had no choice but to set fire to the castle. With a little luck, King Arthur will blame his half-sister's invading army.


Word on the street has it that our dear king Arthur was spotted running around Camelot's forest in shorts. Shorts! Exposing his knees! Just thinking about it makes me drool a little.

Luckily, we city folk have our eye-candy too. Last night we got to watch Sir Gwaine beat up a whole pack of ugly thugs. A maid slipped one of his opponents ten coppers to rip his shirt. Bow-chica-wow-wow!


Burning the city clean of the wood worms had an unexpected bonus—we managed to chase out some of the undead that I just knew were lurking around. Zombies and vampires hate fire, and I got that lazy druid who keeps mooching food off me to give me a few charms to exorcise the ghosts. Guardsman Errol suggested we use pitchforks to drive them into Morgana's army. (They actually tried to make us give real money to the tax collectors! The nerve!)

Total success. Army is gutted. Morgana hasn't noticed yet—and as long as she keeps up the shirtless Gwaine, I don't think anyone will bother to overthrow her.


Sarah-Anne was out in the forest staking fleeing vampires, when she found a sword stuck in a stone. She got my half-cousin Stephen to magic it out for her and tried to pawn it at the tavern.

I made her go and put it back. The sword clearly belongs to Merlin, she can't just take it and sell it.


King Arthur returned to Camelot, bringing with him that maid Gwen he used to slip into the broom cupboard with. Did he leave his city during an invasion just to pick up chicks? Lucky all of us can take care of ourselves, or we'd be quite put out.

Also, he had Merlin's sword with him. Those damn royals will steal anything that isn't nailed down.


King Arthur retook Camelot today in a surprising display of competence. And he looks great in chainmail.

Merlin, on the other hand, seems to have forgotten the basic rule for dealing with evil sorcerer/sorceresses: if there isn't a body, they aren't dead. Watch that come back to bite him.

Also, Lady Morgana seems to have forgotten that black is not her color.


King Arthur and Gwen were married today, in the castle newly rebuilt from smoldering cinders of the last one. I couldn't stop crying.

I mean, I lost five gold on that bet. And my rotten fifth cousin Marv got to keep all the money because no one thought Arthur would actually marry. Five gold! Wah! Wah!


End of the year count:

12 attempts on King Arthur's life

11 houses collapsed by the wood worms

10 tripping druids

9 daring swordfights

8 times Arthur snogged the maid

7 secret sorcerers

6 undead infestations

5 times Morgana tried to stab an unconscious person and missed

4 hot bachelor knights of the round table

3 people in Camelot who Merlin hasn't done magic in front of

2 actual supporters of Morgana for queen

And a partridge and a pear tree!

Merry Christmas to all, except for the undead abominations!