A/N:Thank you to everyone who's been reviewing this fic! I cant even believe how many there are in such a short time!
Bella
I got to Rosalie's already knowing she wouldn't be here. She was still back at the party. Where I should be if I was in my right mind, which I am obviously not. I walk inside using my spare key and immediately make myself some tea. I don't allow myself to think just yet. I don't want to get emotional until I can truly break down, truly think about what I need to do.
It's almost as if I need to reevaluate myself and my life in this very moment and I shouldn't be doing that right now. I should be getting ready to get married, getting all the details set, making sure my dress fits.
But I am not.
I am trying to maneuver my way around meeting Edward tonight. I am actually trying to find a way that I can see him. He's going to come and find me? What does that even mean? I don't think he knows where Rosalie lives, he couldn't. She lives in her parents old house and he never went there.
As I'm walking back into the living room with my tea, I hear my phone ringing in my bag. I put my tea down on the coffee table and I walk over and check it, its Mike.
I hesitate but answer anyways, he's my fiancé I can't avoid him forever.
"Hello?"
"Bella?" Why is he asking? He called me?
"Yes."
"Where did you go?"
"I'm at Rosalies."
"Now? The party is still going."
"Yes, I know." I was being short with him, I couldn't help it. We didn't leave on the right foot, I knew that. I should be trying to work things out with him right now. My brain was screaming at me to fix this, to stop fighting. I couldn't . My heart was screaming something else, something I tried to ignore.
"When I saw you leave the hotel I ran outside to try to find you, where did you go?"
"To my car and then I drove here." Not exactly the truth but I'm not really lying.
"I saw your car though, you weren't in it."
"Well, what do you want me to tell you Mike? I left, got in my car and drove here." Now I'm lying. I cant tell him that Edward saved me from having to talk to him and then we sat in the car and I almost kissed him because I have absolutely no self control.
"You're mad at me aren't you. That's why you left."
"No, that's not it. I just wasn't feeling well." And I was mad at you.
"I didn't mean to upset you earlier. Just the thought of that asshole coming to our rehearsal dinner and dancing with you right in front of me, it's insulting."
"Mike it was nothing, we were just dancing. You took it all and blew it out of proportion. It was embarrassing. You treated me like a child, pulling me out in the hallway to talk to me, to tell me how fucked up you think I am." I didn't want him to talk about Edward like that. I would rather he blame me. I could feel my blood pressure rising again at the thought of his words.
"I'm sorry love, I didn't mean any of it. I swear I didn't. I was frustrated and in the moment. I really didn't like him near you, touching you. He's your ex for goodness sake Bella!"
"I know but it was harmless, completely and totally. It's not like I was all over him. We were dancing. There were people all around, I wasn't trying to hide from you." Somewhere in my head I thought about how I hid from him outside.
"I just didn't like it." He paused, taking a deep breath. "Bells I miss you. I'm just going to come and see you." He said and I heard a door close.
"No!" I answered too quickly. I didn't want him to come here. No.
"What?" He sounded confused, which he should be. I was acting weird and I knew it.
"I'm sorry, it's not that I don't want to see you its just.. Please, just go with Emmett for tonight. Or stay at home, either one. I am frustrated and I don't want to be angry with you. Plus this will work out better anyways." Better for me. I rushed through my words, I didn't want him to come here. I needed to think.
And Edward was coming. I refused to let myself think about him.
"But Bells, I want to be there for you. I don't want to fight with you before our wedding. I want everything to be good."
"It is. We're fine. I just-" How do I tell him not come again? I just don't want him to. Please Mike, stop asking.
"You don't want me there?"
"That's not it. I just, I'm not feeling well. I'm drinking some tea and then I need to get a good nights sleep before tomorrow. I want to make sure everything is perfect."
"Bells are you sure, you seem stressed?"
"Of course I'm stressed we're getting married in two days. Not even, one day." Wow, I don't think I realized that.
"I know but I hate to have you like that."
" I'm fine. We have a lot to do and I just have a lot on my mind. I'll be getting into bed in just a few minutes, it would be pointless." I hated lying to him, but I think it was necessary right now. I had no other option. The mental breakdown I have been having tonight combined with Edwards sudden appearance was throwing me off balance. I couldn't just come out and tell him that I couldn't stop thinking about Edward. I couldn't tell him that I was seriously considering meeting him tonight.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes. I'll see you tomorrow." We'd be doing our last minute things, I'd have to.
"Okay baby, I love you."
"Love you too." My voice sounded fake to me.
"I cant wait till you're my wife." He obviously didn't hear it. Maybe that's always how my voice was with him, maybe its always been fake since heleft. I cant seem to remember anything right now. The only thing I can think of is those green eyes.
"I can't wait either." My voice faltered. I could hear it. I hoped he wouldn't hear it, please don't.
"Goodnight."
"Night." I hung up. Guilt washing over me once again. I feel like I've been drowning in an ocean of guilt. It gets pulled away with the tide but its still there, still strong and powerful. Right now is when its at high tide and I feel like I could go under. Just lose myself in it.
I feel like I'm betraying Mike but I also can't bring myself to stop. It's a horrible combination.
I want Edward, I always have. I have never stopped. I cant have him though, not that he would want me. I'm taken. I'm almost married. He probably has a girlfriend. That could be why he stopped me from kissing him tonight, not because of Mike, because of a girlfriend. Damn, I didn't even think that of that. Would he show up to my wedding with a girl? What would I do with that? The jealousy in me was strong, I already hated this girlfriend of his.
What am I even saying, I don't know that he has a girlfriend. I don't even know that he would bring her. Hypothecially if he did bring one, I don't think I could handle seeing him with her. It would kill me. I wonder if that's how he feels about Mike?
Or if he even cares that I have a fiancé. We didn't really talk about much tonight. We carefully tip toed around our past, making sure to not hit any rough areas that could cause conversations neither of us want to have yet.
I still want him though.
I shouldn't want him to begin with, that chapter of my life is long gone.
I throw my phone down on the coffee table next to my tea and sit on the couch. I need to figure out if I am truly going to meet up with him tonight. I could just go to bed right now, like I told Mike I would. I could forget about Edward, forget that he wants to meet me at midnight, that he will probably want to talk about things. The pain inside me makes me want to see him though, to touch him and make it go away. I feel so safe around him.
I start playing with the locket around my neck, absently twisting it around in my fingers. I do it whenever I'm thinking about things. It's relaxing and makes me feel closer to her.
It was Renee's locket. She had a picture of me on one side and Charlie on the other. She used to wear it every single day. I remember when I first started wearing it, I couldn't stop crying. Then again, everything made me cry.
Every single day I remember that she used to be the one wearing it, not me. She still would be if not for that asshole. I hate that. I hate that she's not still here, wearing this locket around her neck. I hate that she had to leave me so soon. I hate everything about that time in my life.
I hate him for taking her away.
I had lost everything.
My mother and Edward, gone.
As if someone wanted me to suffer.
No, stop thinking about that. I drop the necklace and feel the cold metal laying on my neck.
I take a deep breath and grab my tea again. I focus on that for a few minutes, swirling around my spoon.
What should I do?
I don't even know what Edward has planned for tonight. That would at least help me make my decision, don't you think? I don't have his phone number anymore though, I have no way of contacting him. I don't even know if he will be able to find Rosalie's place? I hope he can, I really do.
I think about calling Esme, asking for his number. That would be weird, right?
Hi Esme, could I have Edward's phone number? He wants to secretly see me tonight and I want to figure out what we're doing, no big deal.
No, its not going to work. There is no easy way to do this.
We never spoke about him leaving. I stayed very close with her and Carlisle after my mom died. I had no family, really. Charlie couldn't handle it at first and went into his own shell, I had no where to go and the only people I could turn to were Esme and Carlisle. They took me in with open arms no matter when I needed them. I was thankful for that. They never brought Edward up, I never asked about him either. It hurt too much to talk about him. I suppose it still does.
I finish my tea and walk it into the kitchen and put it in the sink. Maybe I'll just wait and try to see Edward tomorrow? No, I cant because Ill be with Mike doing a lot of thing that I don't want to do. Wedding things. He'll be clingy tomorrow because he will want to over compensate for how much of an asshole he was tonight, its just how he is. He has done it ever since I met him. If there's ever a time where he loses his cool he will always be extremely nice and considerate the next day. Its great and all but I don't want that though. I always tell him; I want you to just not lose your cool. I want you to tell me when something bothers you before you blow up at me. I want to know what you think before you assume I do. He doesn't.
I need a place to think, I need to make a decision and fast because Rosalie will be home soon and I'll need an excuse for leaving. I go upstairs to the bathroom and turn on the faucet to the tub. Taking a bath would make me relax.
As I get in and the hot water covers my body I close my eyes and let my feelings consume me. I cry about my Mom. I cry about Edward. I cry because I feel so confused inside my head right now I can't get anything straight. I want to be able to talk to someone, figure out what they would do in this situation, but theres no one. Rosalie isn't a fan of Edward, just like Mike, they think he's bad for me so I cant go asking her if I should hang out with Edward tonight or not. I cant talk to Charlie or Sue. Alice wouldn't approve either. I'm alone.
No one understands why I cant let go of Edward, they wouldn't know what to say if I told them I've never gotten over him, hes always on my mind. He's everything to me still.
That answers my question then.
I need to meet Edward tonight. I have to see him. I cant not. As much as I would love to just forget about him and leave him high and dry like didn't to me I cant. I need to talk to him, I need to know things he never told me. We need to talk.
I end up taking a shower because my eyes are so puffy from crying and I need to be at least slightly normal tonight. I keep my focus away from anything that will trigger a memory or sadness as I wash my hair.
I hear Rosalie coming in downstairs as I'm toweling myself off. Now I need to think of an excuse to get out of the house in a little bit, I don't even know what time is it. I grab my phone and look, its 1130, he'll be coming soon. My stomach does flips at the thought.
"Bella?" I hear her yell from the kitchen as I throw my dress back on.
"I'm up here!" I walk out of the bathroom and down the stairs to the living room where shes sprawled out on the couch.
"How was your night?" I ask her as I sit in the chair beside her, knowing it will have something to do with Emmett.
"Amazing. Incredible. Perfect."
"And?" Talking with Rosalie was keeping my mind busy, and I was excited for her.
"We only kissed. I wasn't about to give it up on the first night Bella!"
"Are you sure about that?" I joked.
"Yes! God, you think I'm such a slut!"
"No I don't, you just really wanted Emmett and I figured you'd want to claim him now instead of later."
"Oh, I claimed that man. None of those other single girls at your wedding will touch him now, he's mine." She wasn't kidding around. "I'll probably end up sleeping with him on Saturday night."
She whispered that part, probably hoping that I would hear, but I did. "I knew it!"
"Whatever. What should we do tonight then, now that you're staying two night in a row! I feel like we're back in college again."
"I don't think I'm going to stay tonight." I blurted out. Not really sure why, I didn't know where I was going to stay.
"Why?"
"I need to go back to my house, I'm sorry. We will have tomorrow night I promise."
"Okay fine. Promise?"
"Yes."
"Good. I need at least one last night with you before you're married off." I cringed at her words and tried to hide it, I'm not sure if she even noticed.
"What time is it?" I needed to know, it was getting closer.
"It's 11:40."
"Okay, I'm going to get going. I'll call you tomorrow."
"Alright talk to you then." I grabbed my stuff and carried my shoes out of the house. I was still wearing my white dress and I wanted to take it off. I wish I had planned that out better, I want to get out of this.
As I walked out the door I looked around the street, I felt like someone was watching me but I couldn't see anyone. Would Edward be on foot? Would he be in his car still? Would he flash his lights? I didn't know what to expect. I got in my car and backed out of her driveway and onto the street, still seeing no one.
Would he even show up?
What if he stood me up?
My heart hurt at the thought.
Please don't stand me up Edward. You told me not to forget you tonight, well please don't forget me.
I pulled down the street and parked at the corner. I would wait for him and hope he would show up.
Within a few minutes I saw a car coming down the street behind me, it slowed down infront of Rosalie's before coming down towards me. I held my breath, waiting. Please be Edward.
It pulled up beside me with its window open, I rolled mine down as well.
"You're here." I missed his voice.
"Yes." I smiled at his shadowy figure in the car beside me.
"I didn't think you'd do it." He sounded surprised.
"Do what?"
"Actually meet me." I could hear the happiness in his voice.
"Why wouldn't I do that?"
"You're..well..getting married."
"So?" I turned off my car and locked it, sliding into his. The smell of him overwhelming me, taking over.
I want you and I'm taken.
Edward
I want you but I'm bad for you.
A/N: Do you want Edward?
