Twilight
Stephanie tries, but still can't dry her eyes, or feel the throbbing pain all over her bruised body. Pain meds nowadays are truly amazing, and how strange this numb yet sharp feeling is. She thinks dazedly and frowns at herself amid tears. Is it really alright to feel both relieved and guilty at the same time? Is it really OK to cry for the death of a child you know perfectly you do not want? She never really wants to be a mother, and she still don't want to have this child. So why did she feel so empty all of a sudden and cry her eyes out for this dead...fetus? It was not the fruit of her love. It was nothing but the consequence of another night of irresponsible passion, a terrible mistake. Why should she sacrifice and rob herself of every single thing she needs and wants and ruin her life for the sake of this unwanted child? Why should she let her pregnancy tear her away from her true self and the man she knew she really wants, lock her up in a forced marriage with the wrong man, and trap her into a life of regrets and misery? Did that make her a sinner? Did that make her soulless? Is it wrong to do what is best for yourself? Does she not have the right to control her own body? Does she not have her own human rights? Does she not have a say in her own freaking life? And why the Hell does she feel so guilty?
Stephanie raises her hand and wipes away her tears, and allows herself a small smile upon hearing the sound of Rex running on his wheel inside Ranger's spacious kitchen. She knew Ranger meant every word he said, and she was more than touched and grateful. But she also knew she couldn't do this to the man she loves, to herself, or to the child. It wouldn't be fair to the three of them. She was really not ready for a baby. She would always look at the child's face and think of his bio-father. And she simply couldn't spend the rest of her life like this. I'm sorry. She places a hand on her belly and silently whispers a prayer for her dead first child. Really, really sorry. Someday, someday she will finally be ready for a baby. But not now. Not now.
