I do not own The Last Ship
Foster
I feel pretty shit to tell you the truth. Rachel saved my life three times over. Once in the vaccine trials, once by inventing the vaccine in the first place and once in Baltimore. And she saved my Mom's life, and Danny's and the Baby's. And everybody left in this country and around the world. And we couldn't save hers. It hurts.
What really hurts is that this should be the best time in my life. We finished our mission, we saved the world, and Danny even proposed to me. Those nearest and dearest me even came home alive, or so I thought. Until now.
I think I was one of those that realised the earliest that Rachel wasn't the enemy in our little war. When she was in the CIC at Gitmo and she told us she was just following orders I thought that perhaps I was being unfair to her. When she volunteered to help Cruz on the beach, even knowing the risks, I knew I was wrong about her. I resolved to start making amends.
We've been friends since then. There aren't too many women on a Navy warship and we stick together, certainly us commissioned women. When the dust settled from Gitmo and escaping the Russians, I made an effort to go and see Rachel and get to know her. I found a woman who literally had the weight of the world on her shoulders. Literally they were very narrow but figuratively they were the broadest I've ever seen (and that includes the Captain who is one of the best I've served under). It was clear Rachel is a bit of a workaholic, and while I can understand that given the stakes, I've spent most of the duration of our friendship trying to get Rachel to take breaks from that lab. We've met for coffee or tea for short 15-20 minute intervals and I've introduced her to my friends and peers, mainly Alisha and Andrea, hoping to help her build out a social life on board. And I think it helped her.
I wouldn't say Rachel is socially inept, but she's very, very driven and focused, and she's also very direct. But every woman enjoys a bit of girl talk. It was hard pulling Rachel out of her shell but even if it took a few months we got there. And it was worth it for all of us. Being in uniform is different from being a civilian. We have a very strong code of discipline and also an honor code that most civilians just don't understand. The military works because everybody does their thing and Nathan James is more than the sum of its parts because of that.
We were all surprised to find out that not only did Rachel have a very strong honor code, but actually she also followed orders. She told us she lied to us about her mission because she was following orders from the President of the United States. You can't get better than that. And she was a very honorable person as well. She would put her life in danger (and did) for her shipmates or sick people. I found out that she worked for Doctors Without Borders, helping people in horrible parts of the world. I know people might say that she murdered Niels in cold blood so how could she have a code of honor? But actually I think it was her code of honor that drove her to kill Niels. And, unlike the Captain, I won't be crying any crocodile tears over him.
I'm not in a position to criticise the Captain, given how brilliant he's been towards me and Danny over the baby-thing and promoting me to TAO as well, but I was disappointed in his reaction to Niels' death and in how he treated Rachel as a result. He took away her support structure just when she needed it. She was in pieces after the second brush with the Russians when she killed that guy and she needed support after Niels' death as well. I've spent as much time as I can with her, when my duties permitted, over the past couple of weeks because she was really struggling. I know Andrea has as well.
Poor Andrea. She's lost so much. First her kid and now Rachel. Rachel was really there for her when we got back from Norfolk. She helped and supported her. And then when Chung was killed she reached out again. They were an interesting couple. Andrea's not particularly demonstrative but she really cares for her people. Losing Chung was tough on her because he was almost like a son to her. Rachel wanted to be there for her, although she was already in solitary at the time. Andrea spent time in the lab with her by pretending to fix the junction box.
I still can't believe she's gone. After the Captain's announcement I told Danny I didn't want her to be alone. When Andrea talked about an Honor Guard that hadn't really been my first idea. I just didn't want Rachel to be on her own. Danny ran with Andrea's suggestion and it became something bigger than I had expected or intended.
It's now the fourth day since Rachel was shot. This is the last time I'll get to spend with my friend. I've spent time with her every day since she died. Thinking, remembering, mourning.
Tomorrow she'll be buried on the waterfront at St Louis. Where we landed and where the contagious cure was spread for the first time. The President was insistent that it should be there. Almost under the arch. I'm not sure about the positioning because I think Rachel would rather be with people but I suppose she'll be with the memories of people. And I suppose that's symbolic because she'll be in our memories as well.
I'm with Andrea for this shift. We haven't said anything. We're just alone with our memories. Andrea's Honor Guard has become a big thing.
When I arrived in the medical bay that morning, Doc Rios was just finishing up cleaning up Rachel's body. He looked up when I came in. Wolf and Doc Milowsky had been helping him operate on her but they were nowhere to be seen. He looked up at me questioningly. I could see the pain on his face. He and Rachel were professional colleagues. He'd worked with her on many operations and vice versa, trying to patch up the injured.
"I just wanted to be with her," I told him, "she hated being alone the last few weeks, and I don't want her to be." I half expected him to argue with me, but he nodded his head.
"I understand," he told me, "Let me just finish cleaning her up and I'll move her next door and leave you alone."
I was surprised, and it must have shown, "She was my friend too you know," he told me as he cleaned blood off her face, "and I know how much she treasured your friendship. She often spoke of you." I was surprised again, "and we often give time for friends and loved ones to say goodbye," he said, lowering his eyes as I could see tears springing into them, "which probably means the whole crew will want to comeā¦" he finished.
"May I hold her hand?" I asked.
"Yes," he replied, clearly losing the battle with his tears, "I'm going to go next door for second."
I reached for his hand as he went past, "Doc?" I called, and his eyes snapped to mine, "she cared for you too," I told him. "Thanks," he told me brokenly, "but I couldn't save her." He squeezed my hand, released and moved towards his dispensary. "But you tried your best," I called after him, "and she was a doc as well. She wouldn't blame you." And I knew she wouldn't. "It's not your fault she's dead. It's the man who shot her." I hoped my words would help him. I truly believed them.
When I picked up Rachel's hand it was cold, and Doc had closed her eyes. This body was so different from the warm, vivacious Rachel I knew with sparkling green/brown eyes. They had sewed up the wound on her shoulder and covered her modesty with a blue sheet. She looked somehow more relaxed though in death. I could still see the bottom half of her dress protruding from the sheet. She looked so beautiful in that dress but she hadn't liked it. Who knew? It turned out she didn't like dressing up!
I had only sat with her for 20 minutes when Danny arrived in full dress whites. I looked askance at him.
"If we're going to do an Honor Guard, we're going to do it right," he told me. "She deserves that. I've spoken to the Master Chief and he's putting together a schedule."
And he had. All of the crew have taken their turns on the Honor Guard over the past four days. Taken their turn to say goodbye. Some of them twice or three times. And it hasn't just been the crew. Some civilians, and even the President took part. Although two people were with Rachel at all times and one of them was always from the Nathan James.
The President has decreed that Rachel will receive a full state funeral. We, the crew, have been told that we'll have an important role in the funeral ceremony itself and we've been practising to make sure we get it right. I can't be a pallbearer because of my pregnancy but the Captain has agreed that I'll walk with the coffin.
I'm pleased about the state funeral because Rachel deserves it. I know I'm not the only one who feels that way. The crew petitioned the Master Chief to ask if a Nathan James cap could sit on her coffin and it's been agreed. We know she wasn't in the Navy but she was our shipmate and that's all that matters.
