Josh slowly opened the front door and dropped his overnight bag inside. The kids were at school, and Donna would most likely be at her district office until it was time to pick them up, so Josh had the house to himself for a few hours.
He was still processing what Sam had asked him at dinner last night. All he had been able to do was stammer out a laugh of disbelief and ask Sam if he had lost his mind. No way was he getting back into politics, and even if he was, it wasn't going to be a national election. Didn't Sam remember what had happened last time? He had let everyone down. Sam had just told him, begged him to think about it, to talk it over with Donna (who of course had been in on the whole thing), and give him a call later in the week. Josh was ready to make the call now, because there was absolutely no way he was doing it.
For lack of anything better to do, he sat down in his favorite chair in the living room and closed his eyes. As an afterthought, he turned on the TV for some background noise while he rested. As it happened, Donna must have been the last one to watch down here because it was already turned to CNN, where the midday analysts were discussing President Butler's remarks from a rally the previous night. He stopped himself from changing the channel, swallowing back the nausea at what he knew it meant.
That man didn't deserve to be president. If they had lost to another candidate like Vinnick, well, Josh could have stomached that. Hell, after working with Vinnick himself so closely as Secretary of State for four years Josh had come to accept that at the very least the man was brilliant and had morals and the country could do a lot worse. But someone like Baker? Who represented the most intolerant in the country, and had won election and reelection on a campaign of hate? It made him sick that the country had stooped so low.
He growled in frustration and picked up a pillow to throw across the room. Then he threw another, and another, and then he was out of pillows so he stood up, suddenly too angry to sit still anymore. The TV continued to drone as he stomped back towards the kitchen, looking for any outlet for his emotions. He needed to get out, he needed to not be here anymore, as everything he had tried to suppress for the past seven years was suddenly staring him in the face. The frustration. The hurt. The anger. The guilt.
The guilt most of all.
He was on his way upstairs when the front door opened.
"Josh?"
Josh paused in confusion. He knew he hadn't been home long, the twins wouldn't be out of school for another two hours at least, so what was Donna doing here so soon?
"Josh, where are you?"
Josh trotted back down the stairs to find Donna checking for him in the living room. She was turning off the TV as he came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist.
"Hi," he said softly, allowing her to turn around and greet him with a kiss. "You're here early."
"Sam called," she responded simply.
"Oh, for god's sake," Josh snapped, stepping back and bringing his hands to his hair. "Will you two stop it already? I can make my own decisions, okay? I can take care of myself. I don't need my wife looking out for my best interests or whatever the hell you think you're doing. The answer's no, okay? So tell Sam to just drop it."
"Okay, first of all, chill," Donna instructed. "I don't know what's the matter with you right now, but if you want to have an actual adult discussion about this, I'm more than happy to participate. But if you're going to be like this, I'm going to get some work done before I pick the kids up."
"I can pick the kids up," Josh responded automatically.
"Or you could pull your head out of your ass and be a grown up."
"Fine," Josh grunted, pulling out a chair at the kitchen table and sitting down. "What do you want me to say?"
"Why are you so opposed to working with Sam?"
"I'm not opposed to working with Sam, I'm opposed to working in politics."
"Or working at all, apparently."
"Is that what this is about?" Josh asked. "Do you want me to go back to work? Because I thought we agreed that I'd stay home with the kids while they were young, but if you want me to go back to work there's about a million things I could—"
"No, that's not what this is about, are you even listening to yourself?" Donna pulled a chair close to his so that she could hold his hands. "Josh, I'm worried about you. Now that the kids are at school all day, you just sit around here, no direction. You used to be the most passionate person I know, honey, what happened?"
"I'm not that person anymore, I guess," Josh shrugged, but her words struck a chord in him. He knew he had been in a bit of a slump lately, but he didn't think it was anything to worry about. "Donna, I appreciate the concern, but I'm—"
"Do not say you're fine, Josh, please don't. You're not fine, you're not happy. You need something to work for, you always have. And twin babies at home filled that drive for awhile but now you need something else. Please," she asked softly, "at least think about it? Really think about it? For me?"
Josh sighed, because when she said things like that he had very little choice; he would do anything for her.
"Okay," he surrendered. "I'll think about it. I'm not making any promises though."
. . .
Josh was in the car when his phone rang. He was tempted to let it go to voicemail, as he had the last five times Sam had called since Monday, but for whatever reason he hit the speaker button on the steering wheel.
"Hello?"
"Josh!"
"That's what I've heard."
"I didn't expect you to actually answer."
"Disappointed?" Josh asked, turning towards the now-familiar exit.
"Not at all! I was just checking in to see how, y'know…"
"I'm still thinking about it, Sam," Josh sighed. "I promise I'm actually thinking about it. I just…it's not that simple. But I promise I'll let you know as soon as I do."
"Okay, thanks. I just…I want to do this, Josh. But I only want to do it if you will. So no pressure or anything."
Christ. He really didn't need this guilt trip.
"Right. I gotta go, Sam. I'll call you."
"Okay, bye Josh."
The line went dead just as Josh started the drive up the long driveway to the Bartlets' New Hampshire farm. One of the many perks of living in New England again was that his family was now an easy two hour drive away from Manchester, and they took advantage of it as often as possible. Strangely—or maybe not—of all the people Josh had worked with in Washington, it was the Bartlets he had remained closest with. Megan and Leo loved weekends spent with Grandpa Jed and Grandma Abbey (and Josh didn't think he would ever get past the absurdity of his kids referring to the former President of the United States as "grandpa") and Josh had become closer to the former President and First Lady than he had been able to while working with them professionally.
He hadn't even shut the car off when the front door opened and Abbey rushed out to greet him.
"Josh!" she called. He unfastened his seatbelt and slid out of the car where he was met with the kind of warm hug only a mother can give. "I'm so glad you called! It's been too long!"
"It's been like a month, Abbey," Josh reminded her with a smile. "With the kids in school, plus Donna in Washington half the time, it's a lot harder to coordinate schedules."
"And it only gets harder as they get older."
"Don't remind me," Josh groaned as she led him into the house.
"Jed's in the study. God only knows what he does in there these days. Retirement still doesn't suit him well; you'd think after ten years he'd start to realize that no one's going to call him back into the fray, but still he keeps going."
"Working on another Nobel Prize, maybe," Josh joked, but he felt a pang of guilt at her words. Even after serving as President of the United States for eight years, here was Jed Bartlet, desperate for ways he could continue to contribute to the country, while he sat at home despite being perfectly capable of continuing what they had started back in 1998. But he wasn't Jed Bartlet, he reminded himself. Not even close.
"Go chat," Abbey told him. "I'll call you both when lunch is ready."
"Yes ma'am," Josh replied automatically and Abbey rolled her eyes. Old habits die hard, and both Josh and Donna still found themselves struggling to adhere to the former President and First Lady's request that they call them Jed and Abbey, especially when they were at home.
Josh took his leave of the kitchen and meandered down the hall to where the President's office was. The door was open (Abbey's condition was that if he was going to lock himself away in his study for hours at a time, he would at least do it with the door open, now that he wasn't responsible for state secrets), so Josh tapped lightly on the doorframe to announce his presence before walking right in.
"Josh! Good to see you," President Bartlet rose as Josh entered the room. Josh reached out for a handshake, but the President pulled him in for a hug instead. That was a change Josh had gotten used to. No longer constrained by the professional environment of the Oval Office, the president was a hugger. It came as very little surprise to Josh; the man was a father and a grandfather, and now that Josh had kids of his own he definitely understood the appeal of familial affection.
"You too, sir."
"I take it from your tone on the phone this isn't just a social visit?" he dove straight in, choosing to ignore that Josh called him 'sir'. Josh would warm up once they were immersed in conversation, it just still took him a few minutes to remember that they weren't boss and employee anymore.
"Not exactly," Josh shook his head and took a seat on the couch pushed against the far wall, and Jed sat down next to him. "I kind of need some advice."
"Oh?"
"Sam and Donna have this crazy idea that I need to get out more," Josh started.
"You do need to get out more," Jed interrupted.
"They're worried about me, or something," Josh continued as if the interruption hadn't occurred. "They want me…" he let out a sigh, "they want me to get back into politics."
The former President was quiet for a moment as he processed Josh's words. "And you still don't want to?" he asked finally.
"No!" Josh responded automatically. "I left Washington for a reason, I'm done with that life. It works for Sam and Donna, but I feel like such an outsider there now. I went down there this week, to talk to Sam. It was…it was like a completely different city now. The world's changed; I've changed."
"Josh," Jed stopped him. "I've known you for almost two decades now and let me tell you, you haven't changed at all. No, no, let me finish," he instructed when Josh was about to interrupt. "You've grown up well, Josh. Your priorities are different now than they were in your thirties. But you're still the same person. There's nothing fundamentally different about you that makes you incapable of being as successful as you were when you were younger. And I know you know that. So, what's really the problem, Josh?"
Josh deflated, knowing that his former boss was right.
"Sam…Sam wants to run for president," Josh answered. "And he wants me to run his campaign."
"And you don't think you can do it," Jed finished for him. "Where in the world did your confidence go?"
"What do you mean?"
"You used to think you could take on the world and win, Josh," Jed explained. "And you did it. Over and over again you just willed things to go your way. You just had this idea that opposition was just there waiting for you to defeat it. That's what made you so great, son, that sense that the world would bend to your will. What happened?"
"Luck ran out I guess," Josh shrugged with a self-deprecating smile.
"That's a load of BS and you know it," Jed scolded. "Luck had nothing to do with it. Josh, you took a low-ranking, three-term Congressman from anonymity to the White House in less than a year. No one else could have done something like that. That wasn't luck. That was you and Matt Santos deciding that you simply weren't going to be beat."
"And yet, we did get beat."
"No," Jed became serious, ensuring that Josh met his eyes. "He got beat. The Democratic Party got beat. You didn't run his reelection campaign, Josh. You were too busy running the country. Anyone trying to pin that one on you is just looking for a scapegoat to cover up that fact that the entire party was in chaos. And Sam knows that better than anyone. Josh. He asked you. Sam believes in you, or else he would have asked someone else. Shouldn't that be enough?"
"I don't want to let him down," Josh said quietly, giving voice to the nagging thought that had occupied his mind ever since his trip to DC, the thought that squashed down any spark of hope that maybe this was his chance to redeem himself. Because if he failed, it wouldn't be himself he let down, it would be Sam, and he just couldn't have that on his conscience too.
"You won't. You could never." It was said with such certainty that Josh almost believed it.
"I might."
"Josh," the former President waited for Josh to meet his gaze again. "You won't. Now, if you really don't want to do this, if you're really happy sitting at home and avoiding watching the news for the rest of your life, well, that's your choice. But fear, Josh, that isn't you. Stop running away from this just to avoid failure. Josh Lyman doesn't avoid failure. Josh Lyman takes failure and whacks it over the head with a republican."
"Do you really think we can do this?" Josh asked softly, visions of himself and Sam out on the campaign trail again entering his mind for the first time in a long, long time.
"Josh, you and I both know that there is no one in this country more fit to be President than Sam Seaborn. And you're the guy to make it happen. It won't be easy, but you've been here before. This is what you're good at, Josh. This is what you were born to do. You and Sam? Yeah, I think you'll be unstoppable."
Jed stood up and moved towards the door.
"I'm not going to tell you what to do, Josh. You're a grown man, and you can make your own decisions. I know there's a lot to consider before you pack up and go on a national campaign. But if you decide to do this," Jed paused, looking back at Josh, still seated on the couch, "I don't have a doubt in my mind that you can win. Now, Abbey should have lunch ready soon and I'd say it's time we go and harass her. Plus, you've still got to show us how those Halloween costumes Megan was so excited about turned out."
And with that, he left the room, leaving Josh sitting there, mind racing to keep up with everything that had been said. There was fear, now that he had allowed himself to admit exactly what his hesitations were. There was apprehension, that no matter how he tried, he was damaged gods, that Sam deserved a better campaign than Josh could give him. But underneath it all, there was hope. It was small, but most definitely there, slowly growing as Jed's words sunk in in waves. He was the smartest man Josh had ever known, and he had seemed so sure that Josh found it difficult to doubt his own abilities. What he had ever done in his life to be blessed with such an incredible mentor, he would never know, but for now all he could do was thank the heavens for Jed Bartlet and get ready to pull up all the pictures he had taken of the twins in the last three and a half weeks.
And he would just see where it goes from there.
I had literally zero idea where I was going with this chapter when I started, and tbh I wrote a lot of this at like 2am so I'm still not entirely positive, but feedback, as well as suggestions for the future of this story, are, as always much appreciated! Also, I have the next chapter written, but beyond that the story is a mystery even to me (I wasn't kidding when I said my brilliant idea began and ended with Sam wanting to run for President), so your comments/feedback/ideas/suggestions/whatever are really helpful in sparking my inspiration! Feel free to drop me a message on here, or on instagram ( .wing) if you wanna chat!
