Chapter 4
Ava was three weeks old. Olivia had thought that by this time she would have had a routine down. She thought that it would've been smooth sailing. The joke was on Olivia. Fitz often joked that baby Ava was just as stubborn as her mother.
Fitz joked, but she didn't see the humor in the joke. Here it was midnight. Instead of sleeping Olivia sat in her bed rocking a fussy Ava. Ava wasn't really crying. It was more whining. The thing was that she only whined when Olivia attempted to put her down. Erica had told her that she had created a monster. When Ava had first been born Olivia found it hard to put her little girl down. Now her little girl never wanted to be put down. She wanted to be held all of the time.
Fitz walked out of their bathroom towel drying his hair. He looked at his wife in bed and laughed. He didn't just laugh. He bent over at the waist and laughed from deep within. He said, "She refuses to go down?"
Olivia glared at him and replied, "I really don't see any humour in this. She got up the first time at five this morning. I've been up ever since. It's almost five again."
Fitz said, "It's not almost five, Livvie. Stop exaggerating."
She gave him a look. She sighed saying, "Five is five hours away. I've been up for nineteen hours."
Fitz came over, and sat next to her. He reached out, and squeezed Ava's foot. Fitz said, "That's why they say for you to sleep when the baby sleeps. You try and do everything. You barely even let me help, and I'm your husband, and her father. You have a nanny. You need to utilize your resources."
Olivia rolled her eyes at her husband, "What do mothers without the same resources as me do?"
Fitz shrugged, "I don't know, and that doesn't matter. You do have the resources. I really try hard not to tell you what to do. I try not to act like a bossy husband, but you're too hard headed for your own damn good."
Olivia was taken aback at his tone. She watched as fitz walked over to the closet, and pulled on a shirt. When he came back he said, "Come on. Meet me in the family room."
Olivia looked at him with her brows furrowed. She asked, "What? Why?
Fitz continued to walk towards their bedroom door. He said, "I'm taking charge of things."
He walked down the hall and knocked on Erica's bedroom door. When she opened it he said, "Could you meet me in the family room for a moment?"
A few moments later, Erica, Olivia, and Fitz sat in the family room. He said, "Ok, Erica I apologize. You have been here for a few weeks, and we have not really utilized your skills. However, that is about to change. Olivia, because you have a nanny to help you does not make you a bad mother. Our daughter will not be confused about who her parents are. Trust me."
Olivia opened her mouth to say something, but Fitz cut her off before she could. "Livvie, I know. I get it, but I can't let you run yourself down. You're trying to do everything for Ava, and the other children when they're here. Then not to mention your micromanagement of Abby. It's too much, and I have to stop this before it gets out of hand."
Olivia placed a receiving blanket down on the sofa and, then laid Ava on top of it. Rubbing her sleeping infants stomach for a second. Then she sat back on the sofa folding her arms across her chest, and crossing her legs.
Fitz said, "So this is how it's going to go. Erica, if it's alright with you we're going to need you to take the night feedings. So you will be responsible for Ava while Olivia is working, and at night. Olivia and I will handle everything else. How does that sound to everyone?"
Erica said, "Yes, sir. Whatever you need. Is that all?"
Fitz smiled at her answering, "Yes, Erica. Thank you."
Erica rose from the sofa. She walked over and picked up Ava, and disappeared down the hall. Olivia continued to sit there without moving. The expression on her face displayed how unhappy she was at the present moment. For Fitz, Olivia's happiness was his main priority. However, in this moment he could care less. This was for her own good.
Fitz didn't feel like arguing with his wife. So instead of sticking around for the confrontation he turned and disappeared down the hall as well. He was going to bed.
A few moments later after settling into bed Olivia entered their bedroom. He could see the fury in her eyes. He knew that she was about to start. Sleep wasn't going to come as soon as he thought.
He watched as she paced back and forth. He knew that she was thinking. When she was in deep thought she paced back and forth. When she was upset she paced in circles. He felt good that she wasn't pacing circles. He had decided he wasn't going to say anything. He decided that he would wait to hear what she had to say before responding. He was tired, and it was late. He didn't want to escalate things with Olivia if he didn't have to.
Olivia stopped pacing, and looked at him. "Fitz you can't do that. I am your partner. I am your teammate. You can't just make decisions without speaking with me first. I know that you are Ava's father, but I'm her mother, and if somehow there is a screw up, no one will look at you. Unfortunately people expect you to screw up. They will look at me. Ava's mother. Then add on top of that the fact that I am Olivia Pope. Everyone would love to see me fail. People resent me. If I turn out to be a horrible mother, they will eat it up."
Fitz sat up. He said, "Olivia the only person you need to prove yourself to is Ava. You don't have to prove yourself to the world, to me, or to anyone else. Only Ava. Trust me, Ava isn't going to think that she has a horrible mother simply because you got help from a nanny. It's unrealistic to think you'd do it all by yourself. You are the right hand to the President. That's a huge job. She will understand that you needed help. I mean if you think about it by the time it matters you will no longer be in the White House, and you'll likely have a little more time for her. I am not saying that we allow our nanny to raise our child. I am simply asking you to allow her to make things a little easier for you."
Olivia walked over to her side of the bed. She crawled in looking at her husband. "You're right, Fitz. I know that you are, but it's not so much about what you did. It's more so about how you went about doing it. You just told me how things were going to go. I think that it should have been a discussion that we had."
Fitz said, "There is nothing more that I wanted than to discuss things with you, but Olivia are you forgetting that you can be difficult from time to time. You are so busy trying to hold everything together, and trying to fix everything that I'm not allowed to offer suggestions."
Olivia looked at him. Was this conversation a lot deeper than what she assumed they were speaking about? Here he was telling her that she sometimes behaved irrationally, and that she made it difficult to communicate with her at times.
She asked, "How long have you been finding it hard to discuss things with me."
Fitz shook his head. He said, "Livvie, I'm not complaining."
"No, Fitz. I want to know. We should always be able to go to one another and discuss things. Open communication is key to a healthy relationship. So when," Olivia asked, pleading with Fitz.
He answered, "You're a powerful woman. Always have been, and always will be. Once you decide on something it's your way, or no way. Because of this it can sometimes be difficult to get you to listen to anyone else. You're so used to fixing, and always being right that you don't always allow for the views of others. I get you, and I understand all of this, but I also need to know when to step in. That's what I did tonight. I've been trying to tell you to calm down some, and allow for help. However, you weren't having it."
Olivia nodded her head. She said, "I don't think that you fully understand why I am so against help."
He looked at her. He was tired. They were wasting time. They could be sleeping, and here she was talking around in circles. He said, "Livvie, you just explained that. I told you it doesn't matter what other people think."
Olivia shook her head saying, "It's not just that. It's more than that. I want Ava's life to be as normal as possible. Being raised by nannies isn't normal."
Fitz rubbed at his tired eyes. He said, "Ava isn't normal. She isn't normal, and never will be. Her father used to be President of the United States. Her mother is currently Chief of staff to the President of the United States. That means that normal went out of the window at conception."
Olivia stared at Fitz. All of a sudden she started crying. This was hard. Way harder than she could have ever dreamt. It was like there was no good answer. She cried and cried, She was completely inconsolable. Fitz pulled her into his arms, and let her cry, rubbing her back.
When she quieted down some, Fitz asked, "Why are you crying, Livvie?"
She said, "I don't really know. I just feel overwhelmed. It's all just too much. I don't know if I can do this. I want to do it. I want to be a great mother, but look at who my mother is. What in the hell do I know about being a good mother. I'm afraid. I don't want her going through anything near what I went through. I don't want her going through anything near what you went through. I want her growing up knowing that she is loved, and adored by her parents. I just want to be a good mother. I don't have an example. I'm not used to struggling. I'm great at everything that I put my mind to."
Fitz knew what Olivia was going through. Olivia's hormones were off balance, and she was feeling it all out in the open. Fitz appreciated the sight. He hated that his wife had to experience this, but he was glad that she was.
Olivia could be emotionally stoic at times. So the fact that she was feeling, was a great thing. He knew that she probably wasn't happy about it. She thought that feelings were weaknesses. She wasn't weak. She was the strongest, most resilient person that he knew.
Fitz pulled her closer to him. He kissed her forehead saying, "Babe you want it so bad. I know that you'll do just fine. We're going to let Erica help us out. You're going to catch up on sleep. You'll be able to think more rationally, and you'll feel better, once you sleep."
