I have re-uploaded this chapter, but nothing has changed. I have only removed some typos. So no need to read everything again!

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Inside Out

Chapter 4

'I hate to cut our tête-à-tête so terribly short… just when we were starting to have fun too, but I have things to do.' Lachlan smiles at Lauren one last time and turns his eyes to the man holding her. He waves with his hand dismissively, 'let the little bird fly.'

The man drops his arms from around her immediately, causing her to stumble forward slightly. He had been holding her very tightly, supporting most of her weight.

Lauren's head is spinning with everything that has happened. But she has no time to process right now. She needs to be at the lab.

Later, when she thinks about the events of the day, she wishes she had stopped. At least, to tell Lachlan what she thought of him, perhaps to threaten him, or even better, to spit at him in the face. Maybe just to look at him in the eye, to let him see what exactly he has unleashed inside her. What he has freed by waking Nadia up; the wildness and determination he has unshackled.

But the need to get to Nadia is too strong. She turns, and pushing past the man behind her, runs out of the Dal. She jumps into the car and, without bothering with the belt, she speeds towards the lab.

Nadia is awake.

It is the one thought on her mind. And she does not know how or what she should be feeling about it.

She is torn. She is not ashamed to admit that she feels liberated. She is finally free from a burden that has been weighing heavily on her for too long. Weighing heavily on her every waking hour and decision. Everything in these last few years has been about Nadia, hasn't it.

Everything, except Bo.

Bo is the one thing that rings true. The one thing Lauren feels has to do with herself, with the woman she was all those years ago, when she was self-confident and young and eager to experience the world. Yes, Bo is the only thing that is not about Nadia. And at the same time, in a terribly twisted way, that makes her the one thing in her life that is the most about Nadia.

It is a thought she has not allowed herself to form fully, because it requires words that she has forbidden herself to use, words that she will not use even in her own mind; but Lauren knows, deep inside, that she has come to resent all the sacrifices she has made in her quest to save Nadia. She has come to hate what Nadia's comma has done to her. The future(s) she has lost.

And so, a part of her feels an immense relief that Nadia is finally awake. Like a balloon in the hands of a toddler, a part of her is ready to fly off into the sky. The thrill she felt from that brief glimpse at Nadia moving is still making her tingle.

But she also feels the cost of this awakening heavily, because if what Lachlan said is true, any future with Nadia may now be definitely lost as well.

She hits the steering wheel with her open palm.

'Damn you, Lachlan!' she nearly howls the words.

It will not do. She will not take it lying down. She has given up too much of herself to just take this… this shit without a fight. She owes it to herself and she will collect. She will avenge all the pain and sacrifices she has endured.

But, maybe Nadia will be better off if she stays away from you and your troubles? Maybe she can have a chance at a normal life? It is definitely her aunt Edna's voice making all the difficult questions.

But she knows it is a pertinent question. A fair one.

And if she has to let Nadia go, what will Lauren do?

She used to think that any suffering, any past humiliation would be compensated by having the rest of her life to enjoy with Nadia. But if Nadia moves on, what of all her years in isolation, in servitude?

She will get no closure.

You will be alone, Lauren.

She cannot help but answer: I already am.

Right now, driving through the night, she cannot understand how she has managed to survive her own fate.

Over the years, Lauren has dreamt of a thousand different ways to save Nadia. Most of the times, as a scientist would, calculating probabilities and dismissing impossible outcomes. But also, she has fantasized about it without any regards for plausibility, like when she was a child and she would dream of the school bus breaking down on the way to her house, just so she could get a bit more sleep. She has imagined some ridiculous ass ways of saving Nadia to keep herself going, to manage to sleep on those nights when life was closing on her, when it was reminding her of the cruelty of her day-to-day miseries.

She has also considered all the possible trade-offs. She has thought of all the things she would give up to save Nadia. All the things she would do to save her. There is really not much she would not do.

Lauren knows she has done some awful things already. In the name of the Ash. She has betrayed people. She has whored herself. And not just figuratively.

You have not! Screams teenage-Kenzi inside her head.

But she doesn't want to think about that now. Because the truth is that every time she thinks about it, about all the trade-offs, it always comes down to the same conclusion. It is about deciding whether the end justifies the means employed. And she can no longer make that call.

It frustrates her, because she is a doctor. She can call these things. It is like triage. Making difficult decisions is her stock in trade.

But she is not sure of herself anymore. She does not know if she can trust her gut.

Can she convince herself that having Nadia out of the comma is enough? Can she be satisfied that Nadia is free and awake even if it means that Lauren herself has to be out of the picture?

And then, a terrible question pops into her mind: Should she be thankful to the Ash?

And after that, an even more terrible question, one that she loathes herself for thinking and that she pushes out of her conscious mind immediately; if Nadia doesn't love her, if she cannot love her, is Lauren free to love Bo?

She tells herself not to think about this anymore or she will go mad. She orders herself to think about the lab, about Nadia. But that only makes her anxious. Nadia must be frightened, waking up with strange fae people around her.

The image of Nadia, scared, naked in the cold lab, not knowing where she is, what has happened! God. It is like a punch to her middle. Her stomach rebels against it, and she gags. She stomps on the brakes and stops the corvette in the middle of some unknown street, half-fearing and half-expecting another car to ram into hers from behind. She opens the door and, with one hand on the handle and half her body leaning out of the car; she throws up. Dry heaves follow. They make her cough violently; but there is only bile to spit out. She can feel tears streaming down her cheeks. She wipes at them with the sleeve of her shirt.

When she finally calms down, she closes the door and restarts the car. She is beyond exhausted. The lab has never felt so far.

'Please.' It's only a murmur. She doesn't know what she's pleading for or to whom. She just wants to see Nadia. She should have been there when Nadia opened her eyes. She has forgotten her eye color.

That is not true. She knows it. But she has forgotten how those eyes look when there is light behind them.

The relief, the elation at possibly seeing Nadia awake, the doubts, the frustration, the exhaustion, they all give way to a different emotion. She feels a bitterness creeping into her, a rage she has never felt before that also that moment has been stolen from her. That she was not there to hold Nadia's hand when she finally woke up.

She tries to reason with herself.

It's been five years for you, Lauren, but only one day for her.

She tells herself that, for Nadia, it is like she went to sleep yesterday night. She will not be afraid. She will not be able to tell those people are fae. She will probably think she is still in Congo, in the hospital she was at when she closed her eyes. She will not think anything's amiss until someone explains, until she reads the newspaper and sees the date. She will be fine.

But it is no use. She cannot listen to reason anymore. She is tired of listening to reason. It feels like she has been stripped of most of the things that make her human throughout the last few years. She feels her humanity slipping.

She knows she is driving like a maniac. But she cannot bother with something as trivial as stopping at red lights. She figures she has lost everything dear to her already; she cannot care about something as insignificant as a car crash.

She doesn't even wonder where Trick was or how Lachlan got onto her so quickly. She only feels this black hole eating into her insides. It makes her body shake and her teeth chatter. And she has this terrible taste of bile in the back of her mouth.

She nearly drives the car into the entrance of the compound. Only the stairs by the main door prevent her from driving all the way into the lab.

She leaves the corvette and runs inside. Maybe someone tries to stop her, but she cannot tell.

She is late.

There is no sign of the pod. It is like it was never there. In its place, there is a tank with some type of fish swimming around. She can only imagine that it must be some kind of under-fae being.

There is a bright orange post-it note on the tank.

Lauren grabs it and reads it.

We took your little fish.

Kindly keep ours.

PS: Do not miss 1-1: AF 356.

Lauren just sits in the nearest chair and laughs pitifully.

She feels truly pathetic.

But to be truthful, she was expecting Nadia to be gone by the time she got to the lab.

It is strange, she reflects, how the last five years of her life went by so slowly, and these past five days have gone so fast.

She turns to the terminal that's closer to her and logs in. She opens a browser and googles the numbers she has been given, 1-1: AF 356. She has a fairly good idea what it can be.

The first entry tells her all she needs to know. It reads 'FlightAware Air France (AF) #356 Flight Tracker.' She clicks on it; it's an airbus A340-300 that lands everyday at Pearson, coming from Paris-Charles de Gaulle. According to the website, it is scheduled to land at 4:15PM EST but tends to land at 5:09PM. She figures that, in France, it is probably impolite to arrive on time.

She doesn't know if she should laugh or trash the whole lab. They have given Nadia a Christmas holiday in Paris.

She needs to sleep on this. To think carefully, to plan her next steps.

She is very aware of the camera feed Lachlan showed her. It is clear that he is keeping tabs on her; he may be tracking what she's doing online too. She needs to be cautious.

She is smarter than they are. But she needs to keep her wits about her.

She logs out and stands. She pockets the note. She knows where she needs to be on the 1st of January at 4:15PM.

It's a date.

And the best thing is, it's only three weeks away.

The following week speeds by. She works in the lab. She tries not to show a single outward sign of what she's thinking or feeling. She even meets with the Ash on Friday afternoon. They both act like there is nothing to discuss but work. It is business as usual. Only at the end, Lachlan asks about the under-fae that was delivered to her lab. He wants to know if she has figured out what it is. Lauren has not been back to see the tank since last Sunday morning, when she took the post-it, so she tells the Ash that she does not, but she will work on that next week if he wants her to. However, the Ash just looks at her for a minute in complete silence and then, tells her to keep working on the autopsies she's been conducting.

She has not seen any of her so-called-friends all week. Trick hasn't called. She is hurt that he has not been in touch. But she figures the Incantatore was probably busy last Sunday. It is likely that they erased the memory of Lauren's frantic call from his mind. It is the only logical explanation, and the only one she allows herself to contemplate.

Bo has called a couple of times, but she has managed to avoid talking to her by sending her a couple of e-mails. Irrationally, she is also upset that Bo has not come to the lab to see her; but admittedly, Lauren has been acting so weirdly lately, Bo is probably just trying to give her some space. Be the bigger person. Let Lauren regroup and get herself together.

On the Monday morning of week two, she even sends everyone a Christmas e-card. Some stupid thing with a tree, signed 'Merry Christmas, Lauren.'

She has all these tumultuous feelings and thoughts inside, but somehow, she can still function. In fact, she's been doing some excellent work in the lab.

She is biding her time.

She has thought about all the possible scenarios for when she goes to the airport the Sunday after next. There are not that many to contemplate, anyway. Whatever Nadia does or does not remember she will find out when they meet. After that, she will make a run for it, either with or without Nadia.

Because nothingis worth this life.

And they'd better not go after her. She is afraid of the vindictive thoughts she has been having. She knows more about the fae than Lachlan gives her credit for. And she now knows, in her heart of hearts, that she is capable of using that knowledge if that means keeping those she loves safe.

On that second Tuesday, Bo calls her again. She invites her to a party at the clubhouse on Christmas Eve. She leaves a message on her machine. Lauren can tell that Bo tried to go for nonchalant. That is how she sounds at the beginning, but as the message goes on, there is a shift in her voice.

'Hey, Doctor! Haven't seen you in a while. You shouldn't work so much!' She can tell Bo was smiling when she said that, but then, there is a pause and a slight change in her tone. 'I hope things are ok? Kenzi and I, we are giving a small party this Christmas Eve at the clubhouse. Why don't you join us?' Another pause. She can hear Bo's breathing. 'Anyway, I hope you can make it. I- I've missed you, Lauren.' A breath. 'Ok. Well. See you soon. Bye now.'

She is tempted to call her back. But it is too complicated right now for Lauren. She may be functioning alright here in the lab. But this is something she can do using a part of her brain that is perfectly safe. Science is so automatic for her, so much who she is, that it is like a bodily function, like breathing or swallowing, like something that happens underneath her limbic system, right in her brain stem.

She rolls her eyes at herself because everything about Bo isfull frontal lobe.

She cannot go. There is just no way. She sends Bo a message. She tries to keep it short and uncompromising. She says thank you for the invite and sorry she missed the call, but she has been very busy. She adds that she will definitely try to make it to the party.

She has no intention of going, but there is no point in bringing attention to that right now.

She feels calm inside. She cannot help but think that something is brewing, that this is only the calmness before the storm. But in an odd way, it is like she has been on the death corridor for five years and finally, she knows the date for her execution. It is strange, but somehow, it has given her peace.

Lauren can handle deadlines.

Christmas Eve she spends at the lab. She never goes to Bo's party.

It is silly, for someone that feels so old and jaded, but she regrets not going. She truly loves Christmas. It used to be her favorite holiday when she was a child, and magic was still just magic and not a highly evolved species. She looks at the ceiling and smiles slightly. The original Santa was probably fae. It is the first time she smiles since Nadia woke up, but any humor she might be feeling is short-lived. The phone rings. It is her main lab technician. He is bringing in a body; the Ash wants an autopsy performed immediately.

She shrugs. It is fine. It's not like she has plans for the night.

Almost immediately after hanging up, on the monitor, Lauren sees him wheel the body bag inside. She hasn't bothered to move the camera so it stills points at the same place it always did. The only difference is that the tank takes up a lot less space and they put it perpendicularly to where Nadia used to be. The technician places the dead body next to her newly acquired fish tank. There is a clipboard on top of the bag. She can see him taking it with him as he moves off the screen. Two minutes later he is walking into the lab.

'Dr. Lewis. Good evening.' He is a short man of about forty-five. A human. One of the very few around. Lauren has known him for a long time. He was here when she first started working for the fae. She does not really know much about him beyond his name and the fact that he is always polite and professional. Things that Lauren values in her team.

'Good evening, Mr. Armstrong.' She nods at him as he gives her the clipboard. He is not a man for chatting, or for asking compromising questions. He obviously has noticed Nadia is gone, as he has been in charge of feeding her new fae-fish, but he has made no comment. Lauren thinks she could be standing here naked and he would not bat a lash.

She admits to herself that she really likes Mike Armstrong.

'It's a human woman of about thirty. Do you want me to prepare her for the autopsy?' He does not sound too happy about being here on Christmas morning. Maybe it is because it is a Sunday too. Lauren guesses he might be married. Maybe he has children.

Maybe he just does not want to think about death on Christmas.

She looks at him. Nothing in his face indicates that he may not want to do it. But just the same, Lauren lets him go home. If he has a home. Who knows what is keeping him here. What his own secrets are, when he is so mindful of hers. 'Don't worry, I will take care of it.' She looks at the clipboard, her attention already on the work that needs to be done. 'You can take the rest of the day off.'

He smiles. 'Thank you, I will then.' He turns and walks to the door. But before leaving, he stops and looks back. 'Merry Christmas, Dr. Lewis.'

She looks up and smiles at him, 'Merry Christmas.' Yes, she likes him very much.

The information on the clipboard is really just bare bones. It contains a description of the victim, the location at which she was found and her injuries. There is also a brief police report requesting the autopsy. It is signed by Dyson.

She smiles at that. Things have been getting better between her and Dyson but they are certainly not friends. He won't be missing her, she doesn't think.

She turns to look at the monitor.

The body bag is open. But that is not the worst of it. Bo is standing by the tank, both hands on it, trying to see what's inside.

She is as beautiful as ever.

'It's a fish, Bo.' She talks to the monitor.

And, as if she can hear her, Bo looks up straight at the camera and, somehow, right into Lauren's eyes. She is frowning. She does not look happy.

Lauren drops her eyes and puts the clipboard on the table in front of her. Then, she turns her back to the screen and waits.

Bo is coming.

It is high time Lauren faces the music.