WINTER LEAVES LIKE A SON IN A PARADE III:
THE EMPEROR AWAKENS IN CUCKOLD'S HORNS
Written by Christopher Rangel
PART II: THE GREAT WAR
The war came. The Beast rose from the crater that was once Los Angeles, while Roxas, Zack, Watson, and God Supersaiyan Wiseau looked towards it.
"Finally", said the Beast. "A new world to consume." Then all of the armies of the world came and surrounded it. They all had their guns pointed at it but it just laughed, then it waved its hands and portals of darkness opened up and hordes of Skinwalkers emerged and leapt onto the soldiers. They tried to shoot at the Skinwalkers, but the Skinwalkers had galvanized their stolen skin so that it was impervious to bullets. The soldiers screamed as the Skinwalkers tore the flesh from their bones.
To either side of the Beast stood Master Xehanort and George Lucas.
"Excellent work, my friends", said the Beast. "Everything has been orchestrated just as we planned."
Xehanort laughed and George Lucas took in the carnage around them with a smirk.
"Shit, there are so many", said Roxas. Zack shrugged and said "Eh, I've seen worse."
"We must retreat", said God Wiseau.
"Wait, what? Now?" said Watson.
"Actually, he's right Watson", said Roxas. "We were just the patrol. You see how they are tearing up the entire army of the world. We have to..."
"That's stupid!" Yelled Zack. "We have to help them!" and he charged into the battle, his Buster Sword raised high.
"Shit, Zack!" shouted Tommy Wiseau. But then there was a sound that sounded like "Wr...wr...wr..." and the TARDIS materialized before them. The Doctor (played by Peter Capaldi) poked his head out.
"Hello", said the Doctor. "I believe I have some of your friends!" And then I stepped out of the TARDIS, along with May, Sans, Jack Skellington, Korra, and Ringo Starr.
"We have come to help", I said.
"Come on guys, what are you waiting for?!" shouted Zack, and we all charged into battle.
The Skinwalkers were different now, less human. Their stolen skins were rotten, but sealed to their body by some magical force. Their faces were more primal, with vicious teeth, and where their eyes should have been there were only dark holes. I fought them as well as I could with my sword, Aquamarine Nightmare, but there were a whole lot of them, and it took a good amount of strength to slay each one. May had her sword, Vermilious, drawn as well, and she fought alongside her Blaziken and her Mudkip.
I parried a several blows from the Skinwalkers and found myself fighting back to back with Zack.
"We've got this", said Zack. "This is how true heroes are made! We can't back down!"
"Right!" I said, and together we worked in a circle, carving away at the Skinwalker forces in that area. Then we were clear and rain to help the soldiers of the world. In front of me I saw a soldier about to be skewered by a Skinwalker, but then it was beheaded by Roxas's Keyblade. When the Keyblade returned to Roxas, a second, darker Keyblade appeared in his other hand. He had Oathkeeper and Oblivion now.
Xehanort's eye saw that, and with a scowl, he made his way towards the other Keyblade wielder.
"A Keyblade", said Xehanort. "Very impressive. You look like a former pupil of mine!"
"I know who you are", said Roxas. "I worked for your Nobody. Xemnas."
"Ha! So you did, then, a member of the Organization." Xehanort drew his Keyblade. "You are nothing more than the subordinate of a subordinate. You do not stand a chance against me!"
"I am nobody's subordinate!" shouted Roxas and he charged at Master Xehanort, but just as he struck with both Keyblades Xehanort jumped out of the way, laughing, and blasted him with a bolt of Dark Firaga, sending him flying backwards. Roxas jumped back to his feet.
"I won't lose to you!" and he charged again.
Meanwhile, Korra was bending all four elements to her will to take out the Skinwalkers, the taste of revenge sweet on her lips. But then Shadow the Hedgehog appeared in front of her and said "You're pretty good, but you are not the Ultimate Lifeform. CHAOS CONTROL!" and stopped time around Korra. Shadow nodded in satisfaction, and turned away only to find his face full of shotgun shells from Ringo Starr's shotgun.
"Peace and love, motherfucker", he said. Korra was released from the Chaos Control and fell to the ground. Ringo Starr helped her up.
"Thanks, Ringo", said Korra.
"Anytime, love", Ringo said with a wink. Korra blushed, then pulled herself together and focused on the fight once more.
And so it was, just as Roger Waters of Pink Floyd had once sung: " Brezhnev took Afghanistan. Begin took Beirut. Galtieri took the Union Jack. And Maggie, over lunch one day, Took a cruiser with all hands. Apparently, to make him give it back."
The war spread across the entire world, as the resistance fought back against the invading Skinwalkers, and the other demons the Beast had brought from its world.
Filthy Frank, Jon Snow, Hodor, and Luke had made it to Jon Snow's Cadillac and they were driving full speed away, making sure to avoid the Skinwalkers. But then Jon Snow looked in the rear view mirror and saw Captain Sephiroth flying straight towards them. "Fuck", said Jon Snow. He tried shaking him, but Captain Sephiroth kept making up distance. But just when All seemed lost Jon's Direwolf Ghost jumped out of nowhere and tackled Captain Sephiroth.
"Yeah, Ghost!" cheered Jon Snow as he saw the attack happen. Ghost tore away at Captain Sephiroth, but then Captain Sephiroth managed to throw him off and casted Heartless Angel on Ghost, crippling him, and Sephiroth continued his pursuit.
"I have to go back for him!" shouted Jon Snow.
"You can't!" yelled Filthy Frank. "He sacrificed himself like that so that we could get a little more time for our get away."
"Dammit Frank, you're right", said Jon Snow, and he continued on. A portal opened up in front of them and they drove right into it, and were teleported above the battle. They screamed as they careened right into the middle of the fray. In fact, George Lucas had me pinned down and was just about to rip the skin from my body, but then he looked up at the last second and said "Jar-Jar Binks" just as Jon Snow's car smashed right into him, reducing him to a pile of mushy gore. Jon Snow, Filthy Frank, and Hodor stepped out of the car; they locked the door so no one would be able to get at Luke.
"Jon Snow!" I shouted
"Christopher Rangel! Fancy seeing you here."
"Same to you", I said. "We can catch up later", I said. "Now, we fight."
Two random soldiers removed their helmets, deciding they did not actually need them. The two soldiers were Connor Macleod and Captain Jack Harkness.
"You have my back?" asked Macleod.
"Of course", said Harkness. "We immortals have to stick together!"
"Heh", said Macleod. "Very good."
"Macleod!" shouted a deep, Clancy Brown voice. It was the Kurgan!
"Kurgan", said Macleod, holding his sword at the ready. Queen's Princes of the Universe started playing in the background.
"Another time, Macleod. It would appear that we are on the same side for this fight. It is as the legendary soldier The Boss once said, There is no such thing as an absolute timeless enemy. We are soldiers, and the times decide whether we will be enemies. Today, we are comrades in arms."
Macleod nodded. "Very well."
"Now let's see if these pussies can hold a match to us", he said with a smile and he did an obscene gesture with his tongue, then chopped a Skinwalker in half vertically.
In the center of it all the Beast just stood there, laughing maniacally. His place was like the eye of the storm, except I was there with him.
"So that's what you look like", I said. His skin seemed to be carved from the skin of a million young children, enshrouded in a dark energy.
"Yes", said the Beast. "Of course you're not one to talk."
"Heh", I said.
"Do you really think you can fight a God of Darkness such as I?"
"Do not worry, Chris", said God Wiseau. "You are not alone."
"Ha! This is your God! Very well, let's fight. This should be amusing."
So I charged forward and stabbed right through the Beast's chest, but it seemed to do nothing as I pulled it out and not a single wound was drawn. The Beast laughed.
"Of course you cannot hurt him", said God Wiseau. "He is a God. He is immortal." God Wiseau snapped his fingers. "And now he is not."
"You bastard!" bellowed the Beast. He shot a beam of pure darkness at God Wiseau, which sent him flying backwards and nearly dead.
"God is dead!" shouted a few panicked soldiers.
"I can... still do one thing..." said God Wiseau. He snapped his fingers and Jon Snow's car exploded as Luke transformed into Macho Man Randy Savage, emitting an "OH YEAH!" that echoed throughout the battlefield. God Wiseau gave one last smile as he passed away.
The tide of battle had turned, and the Army of the World was overtaking the Skinwalker Horde.
"Beast! Is it time?!" shouted Master Xehanort as he parried a blow from Roxas.
"Do it", said the Beast. Xehanort pushed Roxas backwards with a powerful gust of Aeroga, then he raised his arms into the air and pools of darkness gathered around him, from which emerged legions upon legions of Pureblood Heartless, including about twenty Darksides.
"Dammit!" yelled Roxas, and he charged at the wall of Heartless that surrounded Xehanort, but before he could even reach the heartless, Ansem, his Guardian on his back, and Xemnas appeared before him.
"And where do you think you're going, number XIII?" asked Xemnas.
"Right through you!" shouted Roxas, and he charged them, but then Ansem's guardian punched him hard, sending him twenty feet back, bracing himself on his heels. Ansem laughed. "This puny weakling thinks he can make it through us alone?"
"He's not alone", came a familiar voice. Roxas turned around and saw his friends standing behind him.
"Axel! Xion!" he cried, with tears in his eyes. "But you... you guys were..."
"Yeah, we croaked", said Axel. "But the thing is, you needed us. You needed help when the odds were against you, and so we emerged... from your heart."
"My... heart?" said Roxas.
"Yeah, I said your heart", said Axel. "Got it memorized."
"Hey, Roxas", said Xion. "Once this is done, let's get some ice cream."
"You guys", said Roxas, tears in his eyes.
"Do not listen to them", said Xemnas. "You have no heart, slave."
"Hey, big man", said Axel. "We've got a bone to pick with you!" and the three of them charged at Ansem and Xemnas. The three Keyblades of Roxas and Xion pierced right through Ansem's Guardian and destroyed Ansem himself. Then Xemnas drew his two lightsabers and held off the combined attacks of the trio. They struck ferociously, but Xemnas was fast with his blades and fended them off. When they all struck as one he created a forcefield of energy between him and them, but they managed to break through it and tear his nonexistence to shreds.
By now the Heartless had dispersed across the battlefield, and Master Xehanort looked at Roxas, Axel, and Xion with an amused smile. He held up his Keyblade.
"Don't hold back", said Xehanort. "Give me... a good fight." and they all ran towards him but he brought up the Earth, creating a tower of stone beneath his feet, sprawled with Heartless. The three ran up the tower, slashing the Heartless away with each step, and confronted Xehanort at the top. He was in his Keyblade Armor now, and beckoned for them to come. They all jumped at him, but with one slash he knocked them all back, and none of them could get back up.
"What's happening?" asked Roxas.
"You're not familiar with Stunraga, I see", said Xehanort, removing the faceplate from his armor. He looked at Roxas. "I want you to watch this."
Xehanort walked to Xion. "Stay strong, Roxas", Xion said as Xehanort stabbed her with his Keyblade. She disappeared.
"You made a grave error", Xehanort said as he approached Axel.
"Don't give up, buddy", said Axel. "Got it memorized?"
Xehanort killed Axel, then continued. "Deciding to fight me like this." He stood before Roxas. "And now you reap exactly what you sow."
"Hiya", said Sans from the edge of the precipice.
"Greetings", said Xehanort. "I don't believe we've met."
"You don't know me, but I know you", said Sans. His left eye glowed blue. "Dirty brother killer!" Sans raised his arms and summoned three Gaster Blasters, which sent devastating beams towards Master Xehanort, but he dodged them all.
"Finally", said Xehanort. "A challenge." He lunged at Sans, who just stood still. Until he teleported out of the way.
"Where are you?!" yelled Xehanort. Xehanort screamed as his chest was blasted out by a great blue beam.
"Sorry, pal", said Sans. "I just thought your back might have been itchy, what with all those sins crawling on it." Xehanort crumpled to the ground. Sans walked over to Roxas and helped him back to his feet.
"Come one, kid", said Sans. "We've still got a battle to fight."
"Right", said Roxas. He held his hand to his chest, noticing his heartbeat for the first time. "I'm not giving up."
Back down below, Revolver Ocelot had entered the fray in Metal Gear Rex, and Loki was standing on the shoulder of the Metal Gear.
"Isn't this fun?" said Loki.
"This isn't fun", said Ocelot. "This is war." The Metal Gear marched forward, crushing every soldier in its path, while decimating the Army of the World with its railgun.
"Hey you!" shouted Watson. "Down here!" The Metal Gear looked down and Ocelot laughed.
"Really?! That's a cute pistol you have there. You're pretty good!" he raised Metal Gear's foot to crush Watson, who prepared for a painful death.
"Wait a second", said Loki, a moment before Watson was crushed.
"What the hell does that mean?" asked Ocelot. Watson took this time to scurry out from the shadow of the Metal Gear. Loki opened up Metal Gear's cockpit.
"Hey, what are you doing?! Loki!" Loki picked up Revolver Ocelot and threw him out of the cockpit.
"Seriously, though", asked Loki. What were you hoping to do?"
"Well, I was, ah... hoping to survive... being a distraction."
"Hi", said Zack from behind Loki.
"Oh..." said Loki. "dear. I believe we've had a bit of a misunderstanding."
"Leave", said Zack.
"Right." Loki disappeared.
"Hey, what are you waiting for?" Zack asked Watson. "Get in!"
"I don't know how to pilot... that!" said Watson.
"It can't be that hard", said Zack. "And it will do a bit more damage than that peashooter you have there."
"Fine", said Watson, and he climbed into the cockpit. He was fine, because a lot of the controls reminded him of a tank, and Zack ran off to battle more of the Skinwalkers.
"Hey, watch out!" yelled Filthy Frank.
"What?" said Zack. He turned around to see Captain Sephiroth behead Filthy Frank.
"No!" shouted Zack. Watson was right behind Captain Sephiroth, about to step on him with Metal Gear, but then Captain Sephiroth yawned and slashed Masamune behind him, causing Metal Gear Rex to explode.
"You bastard!" shouted Zack. He fought Captain Sephiroth sword to sword, but they were evenly matched.
"We could fight like this forever", said Captain Sephiroth.
"If that's how it has to be, so be it", said Zack. "You may be the amalgamation of two heroes, corrupted by darkness, but I think this one hero is enough to outbest you anyways."
"Heh", said Captain Sephiroth. "You always had such spirit. I can see what Angeal saw in you." And they continued fighting sword to sword, but then Zack saw that Watson had crawled from the wreck of the Metal Gear and was pointing out his gun.
"John, don't!" yelled Zack, but it was too late. A bullet emerged from Captain Sephiroth's forehead. Zack held Captain Sephiroth as he collapsed. "No, this isn't how it was supposed to be!" said Zack. "There was no honor to this defeat!" He laid down the corpse, and all traces of Sephiroth disappeared, leaving only Captain Falcon.
"Thank you", said Captain Falcon as he died for the final time.
"You've lost", I told the Beast as I looked around. "This battle has been won."
"But I'm still here", said the Beast. "Come now, let's fight." He extended his hand and a blade made of pure darkness materialized. I leapt at him with Aquamarine Nightmare, but he blocked. I was filled with determination, and I stuck my ground. Our swords ground together as we applied pressure on each other. Then I overpowered him, and he staggered back a couple steps. Then a second sword appeared in his other hand, and four more arms sprouted from his torso, each holding a sword of darkness. Sweat dripped from my brow. I wasn't sure I would make it. But I looked around. The battle was won, but I was stuck here with this beast, trapped by an impenetrable forcefield. The world was saved, the Skinwalkers lay dead around us, around the world, but here I was, still fighting to save my life.
"Hey!" shouted Roxas. "Don't give up!"
"Embrace your dreams!" shouted Zack.
"I know you can do it!" called Korra.
"Peace and love, man! Don't pass it by!" shouted Ringo.
"I'm rooting for ya, kid!" said Sans.
"Defeat him, my love!" cried May, her Pokemon joining in with their names.
I was filled with determination. I held my sword against the beast.
"Hoo boy", I said. "You've got a lot of swords there. But my spirit is stronger than steel!" we ran to each other. He brought all six of his swords against me, but I timed it just right that I severed all six of his arms. We faced opposite directions, but we could hear each other breathing heavily.
"I see how it is", said the Beast. "Here, you have me beat. But let's see how you fare on my turf. I turned around and saw him levitate above the ground and float through the portal and back into his world.
"It's all up to you now!" said Zack. "Become a true hero!"
I followed the Beast through the portal.
TO BE CONTINUED
