Saving Me

Black-Angel-001: hello loves, i'm baaack! ah, n'awlins was great, awesome city. check it out if you can! now, pickin' up where we left off....

Saving Me

"All I need is you; come please I'm callin'. And oh, I scream for you; hurry, I'm falling." --Nickleback, 'Savin Me'

He was late. Roy looked at the clock again, then sighed. Johnny was an hour late. Why? He'd been acting so weird; first he was snappish and jittery a week ago, then he was just plain jittery. Or was it nervous? He kept looking around, like someone was waiting or watching him. While Johnny did have a tendancy to think some people were out to get him, he never actually was paranoid. He would disappear at the hosptial for longer than usual, he was chasing nurses again. As far as Roy knew, Johnny and Reia were still together. Now, Johnny was an hour late for work, something that had never happened before. Sure, the young paramedic was sometimes late, but never more than ten minutes, and it was usually because of traffic then.

"Roy, has he shown up yet," asked Hank as he walked into the dayroom.

"No, not yet." Roy shook his head.

"Well, when he does finally deign to show up, I want him in my office. The only excuse he can have for not appearing is going on a run." That said and a cup of coffee in hand, Stanley went back to his office, annoyance and worry showing through his movements.

"Johnny, where are you," DeSoto whisphered to himself.

It was another hour before Johnny came in, rushing around like a chicken with it's head cut off. Roy and his temporary partner were out on a call; cap had to bring someone in after thirty minutes had passed, or take the squad out of service. He couldn't do the latter, since there were already two other squads in that postion, and they would have more calls than usual. Gage ran into Marco coming out of the locker room. Johnny gave him a sheepish embarressed smile. Marco just shook his head and walked on. He went into the dayroom. Chet sprang up from his seat.

"John, man, what the heck happened? You're two hours late, Cap is fit to be tied, Roy's mad and worried, we're mad and worried, you've never done this before! I mean, this is bad! Was something wrong? Why didn't you call? I mean, one of us would've-"

"Kelly, after Gage talks to me, he can talk to you," interrupted Stanley. With a firm look at John, he said, "My office. Now."

Johnny followed behind him like a little kid about to be scolded. Without being told, Johnny closed the door behind him and took a seat. Hank regarded him for a moment, the anger coming back fresh now that the worry was eased a little at seeing his man alright.

"Let me tell you the severity of your situation. You're two hours late. You didn't call or make any kind of apparent effort to notify myself or the department where you were and/or what was wrong. At the very least, you're looking at a letter of reprimand. John," he said, leaning forward and putting his elbows on his knees, hands spread out. "What happened?"

Johnny had sat quietly through his captain's words, but now took a deep breath. "I am very sorry, Captain Stanley. My car was having some problems starting this morning, but I didn't think about it until it just up and quit on me before I was even halfway here. I was too focused on trying to fix it to remember to call anyone about what was happening. By the time it was going again, I was two hours late and, well," he trailed off for a few seconds before ending with, "I really am sorry."

Stanley looked him over again. He sighed, leaned back, and rubbed his eyes. "Okay, Gage. I'm gonna think about this, talk with Roy, and when I've decided what will happen, I'll tell you before shift is over."

Johnny's cool and calm disappeared in a second. "What," he practically shouted, jumping up. "Why on earth would you talk to DeSoto about my being late?"

Hank stared up at his youngest crew member with shock. John was prone to outbursts, but nothing like this. "Sit down right now." With some hesitation, John did. His leg bounced up and down with angry energy. "I'm your captain, and as such I don't owe you any kind of explination, especially not when you pull that crap." Johnny looked away, but Hank didn't think it was from shame or remorse. What the in the hell was wrong with him? "As a proffessional courtesy, however, I will tell you why I'm going to talk to DeSoto. I'm gonna talk to him because he's the senior member of your team. I'm gonna talk to him because whatever decision I make regarding your reprimand will affect your job, somehow, and I need to plan on what to do to prevent it from hindering that job. That's why I'm going to talk to DeSoto, Gage."

Johnny refused to meet Hank's eye as he nodded. His leg still tapped.

"Get out of my office," Hank said in clipped tones. His abrubt swinging away to face his desk added to the dismissal. Stiffly, Gage walked out.

The squad was in the bay when he came out and, hearing the voices from the dayroom, headed in that direction. Without looking at anyone, he told Roy the captain wanted to see him. Message coldly delivered, he walked to the latrine.

What the hell, he thought angrily, washing his face in the sink. He wasn't some rookie that needed to be checked up on, and he sure as fuck wasn't some kid that needed to be babysat. So he was two hours late, fine. He would take the write up and move on. Why couldn't they? Why did Stanley have to drag DeSoto into it? He growled in frustration. Great, and now his impervious, perfect partner would ride him about it all day. He'd already gotten the lecture, he didn't need another. God, he was pissed for--

There Johnny paused. Why was he pissed? Just because Stanley was going to talk to DeSoto about what was going to happen? He blinked and stared at his reflection in the mirror. But, Hank had always talked to Roy about when what his punishment would be for some stupid move on his part. And, the few times it had happened, Johnny had come out of it with latrine duty for a month or restrictions. Nothing as serious as what the cap would say he was going to do.

He thought about his behavior the last few minutes in Hank's office and groaned, gently banging his head against the glass. Somehow, he didn't think a month of latrine duty was gonna be in the cards. Had he just committed proffessional suicide? He heaved a heavy sigh when he heard Roy's voice and leaned away from the mirror. Roy opened the door, looked in, paused when he saw Johnny, then slowly walked in and sat down on the bench. Neither of them said anything for awhile.

"So," opened Johnny, "how deep did I step in it?"

"Pretty deep." Roy folded his hands together and looked at them. "Cap told me why you were late. Then he told me about your outburst and attitude after."

Recalling it again, Johnny groaned and leaned his forehead back against the mirror above the sink. "I am such an idiot," he whisphered.

"Yeah. But it isn't being held against you." At that, John's head snapped up and he whipped around to face Roy.

"What? You mean, he's not gonna get me for that blatantly obvious display of misconduct and disrespect of a superior?"

"Not officially, no." Roy ran a hand through his hair. "Give it about an hour, then go talk to him."

"Come on Roy, tell me what I'm in for," pleaded Johnny. His partner shook his head.

"Sorry, I don't even really know for sure. I can't say if he'll take my recomendation or not, and no, I won't tell you what I recommended."

Knowing there was no way for him to get it out of Roy, Johnny nodded and hung his head. A warm, friendly hand fell on his shoulder. Johnny looked up.

"Are you okay?"

Gage choked out a laugh. " No, I'm not okay. I probably just ended my career in firefighting."

"I'm not talking about that. I mean, are you okay from this morning? I know your car was having trouble, but I didn't know if you were alright or not."

Realizing the worry, Johnny reassured Roy that he was fine, just smacking himself for dealing with Stanley the way he did. Eventually, Roy left Johnny alone again. He went and sat on a bench and yawned.

The nightmares were back, worse than before; he shuddered just thinking about them. Johnny couldn't understand why, he had thought he'd gotten rid of them for good. But, Campbell's face still stared down at him, patients still pleaded with him, and sometimes, they joined Campbell in trying to kill him. John had lost count of the number of times he'd woken up gasping for air in the dead of night, a scream barely making it through his lips. What was it that made them go away?

Johnny didn't want to talk to Roy about it, he had way too much to deal with anyway. Besides, how would it look if Johnny went to him with that? Roy must have gotten over it himself because he never talked about it. He didn't seem to be loosing sleep every night. In fact, Roy went on like nothing had happened in the past three months except for Joanne's death. Johnny couldn't deal with the rejection and scorn he might face from his shiftmates, especially his partner, if they found out he couldn't handle his job.

He thought about what made the nightmares disappear. Eventually, he realized. The pills! They made him sleep through the night, with no dreams! His happiness at his epiphany faded when he had another one. He could only get them through prescription. He frowned. He didn't have anymore Tylenol 3, he'd finished it a few days ago.

The klaxons went off on a thought he had. It was a gamble, but for dreamless, peaceful sleep, without the torment he would get from the guys, it would be worth it.

Black-Angel-001: merry christmas, happy holidays, and happy new year!