Thanks to let1986 for suggesting the ending - it was originally going to end a few pars before (once you get there, you'll know what I mean) and thanks to everyone who read and responded. I have a new fic in mind, similar to Affair, retelling the events of s11 from their perspective, but it won't get published until I get home in a month or so because let1986 had graciously agreed to be a beta writer and quite frankly, I'm sick of writing on the fly :) Hope you enjoy...
"Take the pills, Jack, or so help me God, I'll have you thrown out of this hospital. You're no good to anyone like this."
Jack obediently took the strong sleeping pills Charlotte had prescribed him and made the motion of swallowing. "Open your mouth," Charlotte instructed, and Jack realized she was going to make sure he took them. He reluctantly swallowed them for real and let Charlotte check that he'd taken them. "Now lie down. I'm staying here until you're asleep or you're likely to go running off to ICU. Don't look at me like that, I know you'd do it."
"I want to be there when she wakes up," he said. "If she dies -" panic flooded him. It had been his constant worry the past day. Every time her heart stopped he'd been in a frenzy of panic and guilt that she would die and it would be all his fault. She couldn't die, not when he loved her so much. He'd rather see her with Steve then die.
"She's not going to die. You're not thinking clearly and this is why you need to sleep. You know I've been generous with you, letting you stay here when I could call security and have you thrown out. Now lie down and go to sleep."
Obediently, Jack lay down on the bed in the consult room Charlotte had secured for him. She'd had to pry him from Gabrielle's ICU bedside with the threat of having him thrown out by security. For the past day, he had watched her frantically, worrying, hoping, guilt written on his face. Guilt - and love.
"What's the deal with you guys?" Charlotte asked. "I know you're close but I didn't realize you love her."
"It doesn't matter, she doesn't love me," Jack said. "She probably hates me now, after the things I said to her." He'd been rambling about calling her a slut ever since the ambulance had brought her in.
"Jack, I don't understand. Why don't you walk me through what happened - from the beginning, not from today."
So Jack filled her in about the fight they'd had on the way back from Canberra, about their frantic tryst in the back of his car. "It sounds so sleazy but it felt so - like I was meant to be with her," he said. "She knows things about me and I loved her even before that and to be with someone I loved like that - " Jack broke off, shuddering at the thought that he might have killed her. He went on to say how Gabrielle had gotten really sick before he'd been able to talk to her about what had happened and then she'd called for Steve constantly in the hospital, and how he'd overheard her telling the guy she loved him and how he'd fought to keep his distance ever since. "I can't turn my feelings off but I can't make her love me back, either," he cried. "I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I think - I think maybe it's best if I got a transfer to somewhere else."
Charlotte's heart went out for him. He was clearly in a lot of pain. But things weren't adding up. If Steve and Gabrielle were back together, he'd be shouting it from the rooftops. Besides, in Charlotte's opinion, they didn't have that kind of chemistry, and never had - at least, not the kind that had been simmering away between Gabrielle and Jack for months now.
She waited for Jack to go to sleep and left him to his tortured dreams and called Zoe at St. Angelas.
A few hours later, she got a call from ICU that Gabrielle was awake. "Can you do me a favour, don't let anyone from this ward see her other than me," Charlotte asked. "Doctor Quade and Doctor Taylor are partly behind this and I don't need them taking their squabbling to her while she's in this state."
Instead, she went to see Gabrielle when she was off for the day. "You gave us quite a scare," she said. "I had to put Jack out with sedatives, he feels terrible."
Gabrielle struggled to focus on Charlotte. "I feel awful," she said. Awful and weak, so weak. "My rib hurts."
"Jack fractured it giving you CPR."
She struggled to sit up, and winced from the pain. "He could have been more gentle."
"Your heart stopped. Stopped four times, actually, including the time at your place. You're incrediblly lucky he was there. I assume you'd rather be alive with a fractured rib then dead?" Gabrielle nodded.
"I want to go home," she blurted out.
"Jack's still your physician and he won't allow that."
"No, I mean, I want to go home to my family. To Queensland. I can't - I can't stay here. I can't be around Jack." For the last few hours she'd been lying here, thinking about their awful fight, the things they had said to each other. She knew she was lucky to be alive, Charlotte didn't need to tell her that, and knew so long as she was around Jack, she would never be calm enough to properly recover. Just thinking about him made her heart ache, the heart that was under so much pressure right now.
She had decided the best thing for everyone was to go home. Screw Jack's stupid piece of paper that Zoe had made her sign, her parents could override that.
"You can't be serious. What the hell happened between you guys that you feel you have to run away?"
Gabrielle felt the tears start to fall. "We slept together," she admitted, her tone betraying all the disgust she felt. "In the back of his goddamn car, God, I remember thinking how silly Rachel had been to give into him so easily but at least she had the dignity of actually being in his bed and spending the night with him. I'm just some tacky cliche, the nurse who spread her legs for the first surgeon who said he loved her. He called me a slut and he's right."
Charlotte frowned. "Jack does love you, and he'd be horrified to hear you talk like that. He could never treat you like that - you mean the world to him, you have for some time now. He couldn't treat you that disrespectfully as more than he could me. Look, I've been trying to put things together and things aren't adding up. Jack is distarught, he thinks you and Steve are back together and I know that's not true, Steve would be shouting it to the rooftops if it were."
Gabrielle's face wrinkled in confusion. "I've barely seen Steve since I got sick. At least, not before - " she sank into her pillow, remembering the way Jack had looked at her when he'd realised she'd slept with Steve. With disgust. Maybe he was right, maybe she was a slut. What else did that make a person who compromised their health to fill a void of lonliness?
"Jack says you were crying out for him when you were really sick, for the week before you came to. I called Zoe and she confirmed it. She said it was agonising just watching Jack's reaction everytime you did it."
"I don't remember. I don't - I don't remember him being there."
"He was. I had to give him time off, he was no good to me if he was just going to worry about you."
She sighed. "I had no idea."
"And then - he said he overheard you tell Steve you loved him, that you always would."
Her breath was caught in her throat when Charlotte said that, and the memories of her distraught dreams came back to her. Of needing to speak to Steve so she could tell him about her and Jack, of calling out to him and finding only Jack. "I wanted to tell him about Jack and I," she said. "I wanted - I mean, I felt I couldn't truly commit to Jack without Steve knowing about it. I wanted Steve to know so we could be together and I wouldn't feel guilty about it. I told him I'd always love him as a friend - I said that, Char, as a friend."
It was begining to make sense. Jack had overheard the 'I love you' part and figured the best thing to do was bow out gracefully. And they'd both been too proud, too stubborn to hash things out. "I can't imagine he'd stick around after hearing you declare your love to somone else, especially Steve," Charlotte said.
Gabrielle was starting to add things up in her mind. For Jack to hear her constantly cry out for his ex, to hear her declaring her love for said ex - she knew how deeply Terri's distraction with Mitch had affected him and that the last thing he'd want to do was go through that again. No wonder he'd bowed out of the idea of them being together. "I can't believe he heard all that," she said.
"Zoe said it just about destroyed him. And yet, he stayed with you. He stayed with you when he thought you and Steve were back together because he loves you. I don'y know how he's managed to stand it."
Gabrielle started to cry in earnest. For him to hear all that - for him to love her the way he did and hear he cry out for another man. All that time he'd been by her side, looking after her, protecting her, when he wanted to be with her but wanted to respect her relationship. No wonder he'd called her a slut when he'd kissed him; he'd thought she was cheating, and that was something he couldn't abide. "I've completely screwed things up."
"I'll talk to him."
She shook her head weakly. "You don't understand. We said things to each other - he must hate me now."
"I think you underestimate how he feels about you. I think a few right words and it will be all Frank can do to restrain Jack from having a go at Steve for taking advantage of you. Don't blame yourself for this. You were lonely and Jack's the last person to judge for using sex to fill that particularly void. He'll be out for a little while longer but I'll talk to him when he wakes up." Gabrielle looked dubious but Charlotte was confident things would work out, now that she was armed with thw knowledge of what had really happened between them - and in their heads.
She was sitting by Jack's bed when he woke up. "Is she OK?" was the first thing he asked.
"She's as fine as she can be given her heart stopped four times. But she's so week and it will be a long time before she's better. So I need you to listen to me and not fly off the handle and confront her." Jack nodded, and Charlotte explained what Gabrielle had told her. "She's barely seen him since she got sick, and when they slept together - it was incredible irresponsible, Jack, and she knows that. But she was devastated when you rejected her and she didn't know why. She was lonely, and you've done plenty of stupid things when you were lonely." She saw Jack blanche and knew she was winning. Jack was too self-honest to judge Gabrielle for things he had done himself. "She's convinced you see her as just anohther conquest."
"That's not true!"
"I know that. But try to see it from her perspective. She thinks you lost interest in her after you slept with her and you have to admit, it wasn't exactly the classiest of situations to begin with. I can't believe you lost control like that."
"It was her idea! I said I could wait but she..." Jack trailled off when he saw the look on Charlotte's face.
"This is precisely why the two of you ended up in such a mess," she admonished him. "You keep flying off the handle. As I was saying, you have to try seeing it from her perspective. She thinks you dumped her after she put out. She thinks she's just another conquest - not a word, I told you to let me finish. I know perfectly well that's not how you feel about her but that how she took the situation. And I know that the way you saw it, when she kissed you she was cheating on Steve, but she wasn't because they weren't together, and when you called her a slut, she took it as you rejecting her all over again. Surely you can understand that when Steve came along he was balm on her ego?"
"He took advantage of her," Jack whispered, anger mounting towards the older man.
"Yeah, he did. But you're not to do anything about that, OK? The last thing she needs is you fighting with him. She needs you, Jack. She loves you. But it's going to take her a long time to get better and you need to commit to her or walk away completely. She doesn't need you screwing things up." Jack nodded. "Look, it's two now, yeah? I've told Doctor Winters not to let you into ICU so you don't upset her but I'll tell him to tell you in after five. That will give you some time to think about what you want to do."
"I want to be with her," Jack said resolutely. "I want to take care of her."
"I know. But you're groggy and you shouldn't make a commitment like that when you're groggy. Give it a few hours. It's already been several weeks, what's a few more hours going to matter?" And she left Jack to contemplate his next move.
He couldn't believe he'd let things get so out of hand. If only he'd made her get changed so she didn't get sick and they could have talked as soon as they got home. If only he hadn't been stubborn, if only he'd given her a chance to explain about loving Steve. If only he'd restrained himself until they'd gotten home and he could have had her in the warmth and respectability of his bed. If only.
He thought about how frightened he'd been everytime her heart stopped, the agonising seconds slipping past as they tried to restart it, thinking how much he loved her and how he could be losing her and it was all his fault. He should have made his feelings clearer. He should have given her the love and respect she deserved, instead of - instead of rejecting her and calling her a slut.
He'd called her a slut. He couldn't believe he'd done that. He wouldn't blame her for hating him.
The minutes couldn't go by fast enough and on the dot of five, he was down in ICU. She was sleeping and he sat down next to her bed, watching her. She looked awful, her skin was a sickening shade of grey and she looked thinner than ever. Her hair - there was no sheen to it and her lips were pale. He touched her skin and was scared by how clammy it was.
But she'd get better. Charlotte had said so and Doctor Winters had said so. She might look awful but she was going to get better with the right treatment and plenty of rest. And Jack would make sure she got both.
He refused to leave when visiting hours were up, and Doctor Winters knew better than to argue. Besides, he was behaving himself, sitting quietly and not trying to wake her. And Winters knew the look on Jack's face. It was pure devotion. He wasn't about to let anything bad happen to her.
So Jack watched her, hour after hour, thinking about how important she was to him and how he didn't know what he'd do without her. And as the hours slipped by he found himself more and more tired until he found it hard to fight sleep. He'd just lay his head down on the edge of the bed for a few minutes and...
Jack came up behind her as she was cooking, wrapping his arms around her waist and nuzzling her neck. "I love the way your body just fits with mine," he murmered, and she agreed heartily. She shivered as he ran kisses along her nack, playing with her fingers with his. She'd always known he was a tactile man, but this...
She turned to face him so they could kiss. He was gentle, so gentle, and that thing that had been missing with Steve - there it was. She whimpered as he probed her mouth with his tongue, exploring with infinite care and interest. He wanted to know every inch of her body and she wanted the same from him...
After a few minutes of kissing he pulled away from her, smiling at her with his mouth and his eyes. God, she loved that special smile he reserved only for her. She smiled back, a smile reserved only for him. "Make love to me," she requested, and it was a request Jack couldn't deny. He picked her up - God, she loved the way he made her feel so delicate and weightless - and carried her into his room, laying her down on the bed and running his hands the length of his body with respect and adoration...
An ugly image entered her brain, oblitering the image of Jack's gentle and loving attention. Of him pounding her with little consideration for how dirty it made her feel, his eyes shut tightly the way Rachel had said he'd done, unwilling to look at her while he was screwing her. Fucking her.
He pulled out as soon as he was done and rolled onto his back, his gaze trained on the ceiling. She tried to snuggle up to him but his body was rigid. "Jack?" she asked tentatively. "Did I do something wrong?"
"No, but you forget your place," he snapped. "I don't want to cuddle you. You're only good for one thing. If not me, then Steve, and if not Steve, then someone else. Don't pretend like you're not a slut."
He words were like a knife through the heart. Don't pretend like you're not a slut. She was good for just one thing. She felt tears spring in her eyes. Jack was never going to love her the way she wanted him to...
She woke up crying, and it took her a few seconds to comprehend that Jack was sitting at the edge of her bed, his head against the matteress. Had he been here all night? Why had he gone to the effort? It wasn't like she was going anywhere, he could come back anytime and have a captive audience.
She reached out weakly to touch him, her hand landing awkwardly on the back of his head. She twisted his hair through her fingers, marvelling at how silky it felt. But then, Jack had always taken care when it came to hygiene and appearance.
The motion woke him up - it wasn't liek you could fall into a deep sleep in a sitting position against a hospital bed. "Hey," he said softly when he raised is head. He looked at her curiously. "You've been crying."
"Bad dream."
"About me?" She turned her head away. He cupped it with his hands and forced her to look at him. She didn't struggle, didn't have the strength to and knew she couldn't afford to fight him. "What was it about?"
"You were - it started out so nicely, you were gentle and loving and respectful - and then - it was like all I could think about was the things Rachel said about you, about the way you wouldn't meet her eyes and that you only wanted her because she was there. And I guess I incorporated that into my dream."
"I'm sorry, Gabby. I wish you'd never known that side of me."
"Jack - did you mean what you said? About - about me being a slut?"
He looked shocked. "Of course not. I would never - I was pissed off that you'd been careless and I was jealous. The thought of his hands on you makes me sick. I want you all to myself."
The vhemance of his last two words surprised her - pleasantly do. "Do you mean that?" she asked. "I mean, I thought after everything - you've never touched me as anything but a friend and doctor since that day and... Jack, I hated it when you hugged me and it felt like you were only doing it out of obligation."
"I hated feeling how thin you were," he admitted. "I'm never more aware of how sick you are when I can feel your ribs when I hug you. I'm sorry if I made you feel like I didn't find you attractive. I always found you attractive, even when you look like you're about to keel over."
"Really? You always found me attractive?"
"Yeah. Look, I'm sorry for the things I said - I should never have said them. I was angry - and jealous. I wanted to hurt you 'cos - it hurt me to think about you with him."
"Jack..." as ugly as his words had been, to know they had come from jealousy made it hard for her to hold them against him. Her fingers fluttered weakly in a motion to hold his hand, and he reached for it eagerly. "I told you that day how I felt about him. I do love him, and I always will. But only as a friend. I wish you had stuck around to hear that."
"I'm not in the habit of sticking around to hear what comes after the woman I love declaring her love for her ex," Jack said gruffly, and she knew by the way his voice was choking up that he was near crying.
"Can you please just kiss me?" she asked breathlessly, and he did as he was told. She shuddered as his lips met hers. It was better than in her dream, better than when she'd kissed him last, better than the time in the rain, certainly better than her drunken move on him. Why did all their kisses seem to have some forbidden edge to them? She wanted to be able to kiss him freely.
She whimpered as he maneuvered himself to touch her better, his free hand running along her too-thin frame, cupping her face, his lips running over her neck then back to her lips, his tongue running across her lips and probing her mouth... She put her hand on the back of his head, trying to get as close to him as she could manage...
Her heart monitor squawked in protest at the strain and Jack pulled away guiltily. "Sorry," he said. Doctor Winters came rushing in and Jack looked even more guilty. "That was my fault," he said. "I got carried away. It won't happen again."
"Doctor Quade, you've already been warned by Doctor Beaumont about upsetting the patient. I'm going to have to ask you to leave."
"No!" Gabrielle protested. "He didn't upset me and... I want him to stay." She held his hand as tightly as she could manage and looked defiantly at Doctor Winters, who decided it wasn't worth the fight - this time.
"Any more excitement and I really will make you leave," he warned the younger doctor before tending to other patients.
When he was gone, Jack kissed her chastely on the cheek. "This is gonna be so hard, keeping my hands off you," he murmered. His brain started ticking over, thinking about what was best for her - and them. "You should stay in hospital as long as you can. You need all the professional care you can get - I was wrong to think I could give that to you - and it's really not a good idea to have you around to tempt me," he admitted. "I'll come see you ever day but you should stay in hospital."
Gabrielle realised what he was talking about and her own brain started ticking over, thinking about what was best for him. If he wanted her as much as he said he did, then having to live in the same house as her and not be able to touch her the way he wouldn't would be hell for him. "I don't know when I'll be able to... satify you," she said, and Jack stifled a smirk. She could be charmingly prudish at times. "I can't ask you to make that kind of sacrifice."
"You're not asking me, I'm offering," Jack said. "I can wait."
"You have no idea how long for. You can - if you love me as much as you say you do then you should feel the same way in a few months time. I don't care if there are... distractions until then, if that's what you need."
"I said I can wait. I don't want anyone else. No offence, sweetheart, but if I was only after getting laid, there are gorgeous, more experienced women then you out there. I want you. I love you. I love the way you smile at me and the way you can goad me into laughing about myself and the way you feel when you're sitting in my lap. I can't just go out and find some transient substitude until you're better. I'd rather wait."
"How are you going to feel about that in a few weeks - or a few months?"
"Look, I've done the 'in sickness and health' part of the equation, yeah? I'm sure I can do the 'forsaking all others' too."
"Jack, did you just quote wedding vows?" she asked with a smirk.
He poked his tongue out. "Slip of the tongue," he said. "I didn't mean it."
She couldn't help but feel a little disappointed.
Three months later
"I wonder if they're sleeping together yet."
"Amy, that's incredibly tasteless," Charlotte said.
Amy didn't bother to look embaressed. "What? It's a fair question. Everyone knows she can't - well, she couldn't - and he never touches her with any passion."
"Oh, because you know Jack so much better than she does," Charlotte said. Amy had, in Charlotte's opinion, an extremely ill-bred interest in Jack and Gabrielle's relationship. Everyone knew how devoted he had been towards her in the last three months, seeing her in hospital every day (he'd made Bart look like a rank amateur when it came to his attention to Annie) and racing home each day after work when she'd been well enough to recover at home. Everyone also knew that Doctor Winters had said, in no uncertain terms, that any sexual activity that was going to make her heart speed up was strictly out of bounds. He really did appear almost brotherly towards her, the way he'd stand behind her with his arms around her and kiss the top of her head... but never kiss her passionately. They acted like an old married couple, definitely not like people who'd only properly been together three months.
Charlotte remembered the first three months of her relationship with Vincent, when they couldn't keep their hands off each other.
Amy shrugged. "I know no guy would be so hands-off with me," she said. "I wonder if he's got something on the side. Or if he's just staying with her until she gets well. I heard it was the shock of him rejecting her that made her heart stop the first time. Maybe he feels guilty."
"Amy! That's horrible!"
"And true, possibly.C'mon, how do you think he manages to do it? It must be extremely hard - so to speak." At that moment Gabrielle walked in and Amy turned deep red. "I didn't mean -" she stammered.
"I know exactly what you meant," Gabrielle said coolly. She'd overheard every word. "And perhaps if you spent less time gossiping and more time growing up, you'd understand that it's possible to love someone enough that sex isn't the be-all and end-all of a relationship. I suggest you start by acting a little more professionally and tending to your patients."
Amy took the oppurtunity to scurry off, and Gabrielle sank into a chair, feeling suddenly weak-kneed, and not because of her illness. "She was just being Amy," Charlotte said sympathetically. "I wouldn't take her seriously."
"Don't, Char," Gabrielle said. "I know what people are saying - that there's no way Jack can stay faithful when he's not getting laid, that he doesn't touch me the way a boyfriend should, that he's staying with me because he fels guilty."
"Surely you don't believe it." When Gabrielle didn't respond, Charlotte said, "Gabby, he loves you. More than someone like Amy can comprehend."
"Oh, I know he loves me. I just don't know if he's attracted to me anymore. He never - what you guys see in public, that's it. I'm cleared to work, Frank made me go through every physical he coudl think of before he let me come back, but that's not good enough for him. I'm fine to work but not take to bed. And sometimes I think - sometimes I wonder if he's just stalling because he's not interested in sleeping with me anymore. And - and he's been really distracted lately, like he's got something on his mind." Or someone. She didn't have to say the last two words for Charlotte to know she was thinking them.
"Gabby, you know that's not true."
Gabrielle shrugged. Amy's words had rattled her. Because Steve's infidelity had affected her deeply, she had always doubted men's general ability to be faithful, and Jack was asking a lot of himself, to be faithful to someone who couldn't keep him satisfied in bed. Had he asked too much? Was there someone else, or even just someone else he was interested in?
He always cut their embraces off at hugs and chaste kisses. He wouldn't make out with her, he wouldn't even spend the night with her even though he knew how much she wanted to wake up in his arms. He was holding her at arms length and after three months of it, doubts about his passion for her were starting to creep in.
"Don't think about it," Charlotte said forcefully. "You know this kind of thinking tore you apart in the first place. Have it out with him if you must but don't let it eat you up."
"I'm not," Gabrielle said, and they both knew it was a lie.
Like in her dream, she was getting dinner prepared later the next day when Jack came home. He came up behind her and kissed the top of her head in that almost-brotherly way he never deviated from, wrapping his arms around her waist, running his fingers across her abdomen. "You're gaining weight," he said approvingly. And the colour was back in her face, too. What he really wanted to do was grab her ass but he restrained himself. It had been three months of chaste kisses and hugs and he didn't want to scare her know by suddenly being all over her.
Three months of chaste embraces. Three months of having to keep her at arm's length because he was afraid if he didn't, he'd be all over her and set her health back. Three months of lying awake at night wanting her. Three months of feeling like he was fourteen again and the best he was going to get was a good-night kiss after a movie.
He didn't regret his decision to stick by her. He knew he wouldn't have been able to look her in the eye if he'd been with someone else during her convalencence. Even with her permission, it would have broken her heart. And he had no intention of breaking her heart.
The last three months had made him realise how much he loved her. Being forced into a strange platonic-romantic relationship, fidelity without the sex, had put the emphasis on their friendship. There were times when he was so frustrated he could scream but then he thought about how well he'd gotten to know her and it was worth it.
But God, it would be worth it more if he could do everything he wanted with her. He wanted a girlfriend, a lover, not just a friend.
He wanted a wife and he'd been thinking about it so much lately that the thought she might knock him back made him sick. But he couldn't propose to her while they were continuing on with this platonic relationship and he wasn't ready to to consummate it. Everytime he thought he was ready, he thought about how white her face had gone as she'd gripped the table, how her heart had stopped beating four times, how that had been caused by having sex before she was ready.
"You make me sound like a prized heifer," she said.
He frowned. "What's that meant to mean?"
"It means... you know when you had your birthday here, Bart made this crack that you show Bec more affection than you do me. She's your sister, Jack, I shouldn't have to put up with comments like that. It's been three months and even Frank thinks I'm up to anything I could handle before and you still treat me the same way you do your goddamn sister."
"That's not true!"
"Yes, it is! God, how can you stand it? How can you stand spending so much time with me and not doing anything? Either you're not attracted to me anymore and you're just staying out of guilt or..." she trailled off, knowing how Jack would respond to her next statement.
"Or what, Gabby? Seriously, or what? That I must be seeing someone else on the side? Yeah, I'm aware of the talk. I'm aware no-one takes me seriously in the best of circumstances, let alone when I can't consummate our relationship. I thought you knew me better than that. I would never cheat on you. I told you what it did to my step-mother and I know what it did to you - I would never do that to you."
"Then you're not attracted to me anymore," she said brokenly.
"If you think that, you should come by my room about three in the morning. I'm surprised you haven't commented about how much linen I'm going through, I thought you were just being polite." Gabrielle blushed at the crassness of what he was saying. "I have dreams which are so erotic and so vivid that I know if I spend the night with you I'll lose control." He tightened his grip on her and his breathing became more shallow and she knew, with rising excitement, that he was struggling with his desire.
"Then why - ?" She pushed back against him and he didn't try to move away from her.
"Because I'm terrified of hurting you. The look on your face just before you collapsed - that's going to haunt me for a long time. I don't want to push you."
"Jack, I've been cleared. I'm OK and you know it. You're just being a chicken."
"I am not."
"Yes, you are." She turned around and wrapped her arms around his neck, kissing him deeply and passionately. She knew she was wearing him down, knew from what he had just said he had very little restraint around her and if she just pushed him that little bit over the edge...
"Goddamn you," he muttered between kisses. "You're not playing fair." God, but he loved the feel of her, the taste of her... when she pusshed her tongue into his mouth his resistance crumbled and he kissed her hungrily. Three months of chaste kisses and it was all he could do to stop from completely plundering her mouth - and those whimpering sounds Gabrielle was making weren't helping. "You'll tell me to stop as soon as you feel weak?" he asked.
"Yes."
"Promise?" His voice was so hard that she promised, actually meaning it. If she took any risks with her health and Jack found out about it - and Jack had a way of finding out about it - he would likely never touch her again.
"Oh, God," she moaned when he ran his hands boldly down the front of her body, groping her breasts shamelessly, down her abdomen, around her nack to her ass... She pushed against him provocatively and the reaction was instant. "Got something for me?" she asked. She remembered how big he was, how good he'd felt inside her. "I wanna be in your bed, Jack," she said horasely. "I want to do it properly. I want to wake up with you tomorrow morning."
"It's what I wanted from the very begining," he said. "I tried to make you wait, remember?"
"Don't gloat. Please, just -" boldly, she took his hand and slid it under her pants. Even knowing what was coming, she gasped at the feeling of his fingers down there and started squirming as he started touching her. "Please, Jack."
How could he resist her when she asked him like that? He gripped her hand and started to lead her into his room until she whispered, "Jack, do you think you could - carry me?"
He started to smirk then restrained himself. Whatever it took to make her feel special - even if it was just the few meters from the kitchen to his room. He swung her into his arms and he had to admit, he liked the way her head felt against his chest. He carried her into his room and lay her down with as much gentleness as he could manage. He wanted to be gentle. Their first time had been far too sleazy, as right as it had felt, for his liking and he wanted this to feel like it was something out of a novel.
He got on top of her and started kissing her, taking his time, running his mouth over every inch of her face and neck, working his way down slowly as he unbuttoned her shirt, saturating her in affection. "So beautiful," he murmered over and over. "I love you."
She responded by running her hands along his back, first through his shirt, then pulling it out of his jeans and running her fingers along his bare skin, taking great delight in listening to him whimper softly. If he wanted to take his time touching her, she could do the same thing right back.
Nontheless, she was surprised at how good making out felt. She and Steve had never really done it - as their fumbled tyst had paid testimony to - and the last time she and Jack had been together had been too frantic to bother with it. But now... she cried out when he started kissing her breasts, which were absolutely the perfect size for his hands. She gripped the back of his head tightly, her nails digging into his neck, which would leave a mark tomorrow but he wouldn't care. He stayed there for several minutes until she was almost in tears and would have done anything for him. She ran her hands down his arms, marvelling at how well-built he was, loving the way he shuddered when she did it. She made a mental note that he liked that.
By the time Jack got down to the waistline of her pants she was begging for it. He eased her out of them and her underwear and dipped his head to her. He smiled when she started moaning and he needed to keep one hand over her abdomen to keep her steady on the bed - well, steady enough for him to do his job. He wanted to spoil her and he wanted to make her scream and so for the next half hour he used his tongue and free hand to do just that, making her climax twice before he got up. He idly thought that now was the best time to ask her to marry him because she would have done anything for him, but discarded the idea. It had to be when she was thinking clearly.
He rose to get his pants off, and smiled to see her lying there, flushed and just about delirious with pleasure. "Happy?" he asked dryly. She nodded. She went to ask him if he wanted the favour returned and realised making love to her properly was something he needed. Her gaze fell hungrily when he got his pants off. Oral sex was amazing but there were some times when you needed them inside you and she knew this was the reason he would turn down any offer she made him.
She spread her legs for him and held out her arms for him when he kneeled between them. It felt like it took forever for him to get inside her, and she shuddered in ecstacy when he slid all the way inside her. She wrapped her legs around him and raised her hips to meet his thrusts. She knew he wouldn't last long because he was too worked up and she urged him to concentrate on his own pleasure but he was having none of it. He touched her the way he had in his car but slower, holding out as long as he could, bringing her to orgasm another two times before he let himself go. And when he went, he completely fell apart, burying his head in her shoulder and crying, softly at first but once the dam was broken, it was broken, and soon his body was wracked with sobs. "I'm sorry," he gasped. "I'm never like this."
She held him gently, as gently as he'd been with her before, and kissed him in an oddly chaste, affectionate way, like their kisses had been in the past three months, on the side of his head. "Has there been anyone other than me who knew?" she asked, meaning any other lover who had known about his abuse. But she already knew the answer before Jack shook his head against her neck. No wonder he was crying. It was intense enough for her, to be with someone who knew her as intimately and loved her as much as Jack, someone she trusted completely, but for Jack - she had no comprehension what it must be like to be intimate with so many people (and she knew, even if Jack wouldn't say exactly how many, that it was a lot, he'd been using promiscuity to overcompensate for his feelings of sexual inadequacy for years) and have none of them know such a scarring detail of your past. "I understand," she said softly, and she did, at least as much as any woman was going to. She lowered her hands to his back, hugging him tightly. "Whatever you need, I'm here."
He lay in her arms for almost an hour until his tears subsided, then he got off her and curled up against her. "I thought I was going to be the one holding you," he said.
"You don't have to be strong for me, you know that. I want to make you feel good about yourself."
"You do."
They lay in bed for a while, enjoying the aftersex glow, before Gabrielle's thoughts wandered and she had to ask him, "What were you distracted about?"
"Huh?"
"You've been distracted for weeks. If it wasn't another woman and it wasn't that you wanted to break up with me, what was it?"
"Work," he supplied quickly, too quickly.
He was lying. She tensed up. "Don't bullshit me, Jack. I live with you. I know when you're distracted about work and I know what you're distracted 'cos you've had a guelling counselling session." Her heart gripped. The main reason Steve would lie about his absences was - "Was it another woman?" She tried to tell herself it was OK if it was, that it hadn't been fair of her to expect Jack to remain faithful when he wasn't allowed to have sex with her, but she knew in her heart she would never be able to look at him the same way if he'd been with someone else.
Well, that totally killed the mood. Jack got up, scowling. "No." He reached for his pants, wondering if it was permissable to kick her out of bed. As annoyed as he was at her question, he decided it was better just to leave the room.
"Well, it wasn't work and it wasn't counselling and those are the only two reasons I know why you get distracted so..."
"It doesn't matter. I can't believe you asked me that."
"I can't believe you just cried in my arms but you won't tell me what's bugging you!" she retorted.
"Fine." He yanked open his top dresser drawer, pulled out a small box and threw it at her. "That's what's bugging me. I was terrified you'd turn me down."
She opened it, but she already knew what it was. "Jack, are you serious?"
"No, I just go down to the bank and get Mary's engagement ring out of my safety deposit box for kicks." His anger was softening now. He knew she was paranoid about infidelity, couldn't really blame her on that one, and he had always known it was going to be an issue to begin with in their relationship. He was prepared for that was was confident that, in time, she would accept that he wasn't Steve and would never play around on her. It kind of sucked to have to deal with that kind of baggage but for Gabrielle, it was worth it.
Besides, his anger was being replaced with that knawing fear of rejection.
"This is Mary's?"
"Yeah. She wanted me to have to give to someone special - said she'd rather I have it than her son."
"And... I'm that special to you?"
"Yeah. For God sake's, Gabby, give it back. I'm not in the mood to have this dragged out." He wasn't going to give her the oppurtunity to tell him no, he decided, he was just going to snatch it back and pretend like this never happened.
She pulled it out of his grasp. "No. You gave it to me."
"This is not a fucking knight, Gabby, this is my heart and you can't just keep something that takes your fancy - wait, you actually want it? I mean, you want to marry me?"
"Yeah."
He sat down on the bed, feeling if he didn't, his legs would betray him. He raked his hand through his hair. "Oh, God, I had a much better proposal in my head."
"At least it wasn't in a consult room with a baby monitor."
He grinned, and the ice was broken. "Here." He took her left hand and put the ring on her finger. "If you don't like it, I can buy you another one. It's just - she was the closest I ever had to a real mother so it kind of like an heirloom to me."
"I know, Jack. I'm so flattered that I mean that much to you. I love you and I will marry you."
He leaned in to kiss her. "I love you, too."
The End
