If Nothing Else
Chapter 4
He had his head bent over the file and was reading it intently for the millionth time in the last hour or so making sure he had every single one of his bases covered going into the surgery later on. Derek felt that he could recite the chart from memory at that moment and it made him feel damn good.
And it felt damn good to feel damn good about something in his life when everything else had gone to hell.
His surgical abilities had never failed him and every fiber of his body told him that they never would. Of course, it was that confidence that led him to actually being able to dig around in another person's brain on a daily basis.
Derek wished that confidence and certainty could carry over into other parts of his life. He lacked the energy to face the parts of his life that scared him so deep down in his core that his gut told him the answers wouldn't be easy on him. That he was bound to get hurt further.
It was that same gut feeling that told him that Addison would just continue to push and push until he caved and finally gave her what she wanted. Addison would be the motivation to face those fears because she was his motivation for many things and he hated her for it.
His mind began to whirl with thoughts of her again. Her voice had been haunting him since she had left that first voicemail days ago and every one she had left since that he had listened to so many times he had lost count.
She always sounded the same in each message. Desperation and frustration laced her every word as hard as she tried to hide it and present that calm front that had gotten her so far in her life.
Derek could always see through her. She was heartbroken over what she had done. He knew it and it gave him hope. Hope for what he wasn't sure but he knew he hated her for that too. And he wanted to comfort her and tell her it would be okay like he had so many other times but he couldn't. He shouldn't want to comfort her or make her feel better or make herself inflicted pains disappear.
Who gave her the right to make him feel sorry for her? She made him feel like he was the only person in the world that could cure her hurt and sadness. It wasn't fair that she made him feel like it was his job to do so even though it was all her fault.
And it was all her fault.
Derek knew that. He relied on that.
"Hey Derek."
He jumped about a foot into the air as he turned toward the sound and was greeted by the sight of his old friend and mentor Richard Webber standing next to him with a knowing smirk on his face as well as an apologetic look in his eyes.
"I didn't mean to startle you." He began gently.
Derek shrugged as he put the pen he had been holding in his hand into his scrub top and turned to greet Richard with as warm a smile as he could muster these days.
"How've you been?" Derek asked and leaned his elbow on the counter as Richard took another step toward him.
"I've been a lot better than you have lately." Richard said bluntly.
Derek shook his head dismissively and tried to brighten that fake smile on his face.
"What do you mean? I've been great." He answered.
Richard looked down upon him sympathetically and put a hand on his shoulder. "I know it isn't easy on you but running away from the problem and her isn't the answer. Putting the entire continental U.S. in between the two of you isn't going to change anything."
Derek felt the darkness creep out of the box he kept it tightly contained inside of and into his demeanor but he tried his best to keep it in check in front of Richard.
"Look, you may think you know what is going on but you don't so I think it would be best—"
"She called."
Richard continued to look at him sympathetically.
He felt like he had been slapped. "She called? What—what—uh."
Richard chuckled a little at his failed attempt at forming a sentence before returning to a more sober look.
"She's worried about you. Addison said you weren't answering any of her phone calls."
Derek did his best to keep a look of indifference upon his features as Richard continued with what was quickly turning into an unwanted lecture.
"Actually the first time I spoke to her-"
"You spoke to her more than once?" He questioned quickly and was disappointed by the harsh emotional tint his voice held.
Richard smiled sadly. "Of course I have. She is an old friend and a former student sick with worry and I could help. Anyway, she called wondering if I knew where you were. It's been weeks since you arrived. Derek, how could you not tell her or anyone else where you were?"
Derek looked at him sharply. "Why should I? Why should I care at all about her concerns or her worries?"
Richard sighed. "Derek—"
He held his hand up to silence the man before starting in on his child-like temper tantrum.
"If she was so concerned about me and my well-being than she should have thought about that before she slept with him. If she was so worried about my feelings then she should have thought about that before she slept with him. If she cared about me so much that she calls all over the country looking for me then she should have thought about that before she slept with him!"
Richard tried to interrupt but once again Derek silenced him.
"I am sorry Richard but I just can't worry too much about all of the concerns and worries she has for me after she slept with him! Oh and did I forget to mention that she slept with him in our bed! As if the mere act of betrayal wasn't enough for me to swallow they made sure I got a very vivid memory to go along with all of the heartbreak. And now you want me to feel bad that Addison is worried about me? I don't think so."
Derek felt the wind fly out of his lungs as he finished and felt the remorse immediately replace the anger and rage that had filled his body a moment ago. He looked at Richard with sadness and regret.
"I am sorry Richard. You didn't deserve that."
Richard shook his head. "No, Derek I didn't but I understand. You can't keep pretending that you are this perfectly unattached guy that is just enjoying his new job."
Derek ran his hand through his hair. "I am enjoying my new job."
"And you are using it to hide your true feelings and run away from your problems. I am not saying that you have to talk to her or answer her phone calls or anything along those lines but I do suggest you stop pretending you're fine."
"I am fine."
"Right except the mini-meltdown you just had prompted by the mere mention of her. And you're right, all of the areas of your life that aren't touched by her memory are fine but I would challenge you to name even one area that doesn't somehow connect back to her in your heart or your head."
Derek sighed as he felt the energy float out of him. "Can we just stop talking, Richard? I need to get back to work."
Richard nodded again and slapped him on the back. "Sure just think about what I said. Now get back to it Shepherd. You'll never beat out Burke for my job if you slack off."
He moved to Derek's side and began to walk away but not before halting to a stop as they stood next to each other because he apparently had one last thing to say.
"And I would watch myself around Meredith Grey if I were you."
"Why is that?" Derek asked slightly panicked and anxious. The last thing Derek needed his old friend, mentor, and current boss to know was that he had slept with one of his interns.
Granted he had not been aware of that when they had had sex but it still did not look good or make him feel good about his job.
Richard shrugged. "I see the way she has been looking at you. Nothing may be going on but it doesn't mean she doesn't wish it was. Trust me, when I say the last thing you want to do is cheat on your wife. It won't make your problems go away. Adultery isn't the answer."
And he left the young dark haired man to his work and his heavy heart as Derek whispered to no one but the empty silence all around him.
"I wish you had told my wife that."
End of Chapter 4.
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