Thank you all for reviews and p.m.s. I'm amazed at how much you all like this and taken it into your hearts. x

For Disclaimer see Chapter one.


Chapter Four.

蜂鳥

She braces her arms on the wooden railing and takes a long breath. The smells of Shanghai fading, replaced with the fresh scent of the countryside; sweet, green. She stares down over the edge at the ripples caused by the steamer cutting through the river. The water murky blue greens, churned into a dirty brown. It's how she feels, like the sediment inside has reached the surface, leaving her skin sticky. She knots her fingers together, turning her head towards the breeze. Leaning out a little more, the forward motion increasing the wind on her face. She relaxes, gaze taking in the vast Yangtze river. Birds flying over head, a fishing boat not far from shore throwing out nets. It would be tranquil if not for the constant chug chug of engine and the noise of water rushing over the wheeled paddle blades at the stern.

She pulls the light cardigan closer. It isn't cold, in fact the weather has turned so humid, skin constantly pricks with perspiration. The cool breeze is a welcome distraction from it. No, she's not cold, but she still shivers. She looks around, surprised to find Garrett is nowhere in sight.

Two days ago he'd found her sprawled, sobbing, so out of it she'd nearly choked on her own vomit. He'd called a discreet doctor and for twelve hours she was lost to the world and his silent vigil. When she had woken, he didn't say anything, but she could see the fear sparking his eyes. The following days he never went far. It was a comfort and an annoyance. Every time he looked at her, it was as if he expected her to break. What he didn't understand was she already had. This is what is left, something she doesn't recognise. It's taking all that she is to knit the parts together enough to just breathe.

She pushes tendrils of blown hair from her face, tucking it behind her ear. Folding her arms, shivering again. Gaze looking out, but seeing nothing. She isn't sure if she meant to kill herself. All she does know is the whole filthy deed had destroyed whatever innocence she had left. Garrett had informed her Matthew left for England no worse for wear. He'd meant it kindly, but it still made her want to disappear in the oblivion of drugs again. Because it still wasn't finished... This is why they are here, on the steamer heading upriver. Deliver the evidence of the whole horrid thing and the ultimatum. She wants it over, done. Until it is, she can't deal with the emotions raging.

She clenches her hands together, the tremors running through the muscles making them cramp. She knows the drugs are the cause, withdrawal. She's never had a reaction like this, but she'd never taken so much before either. The times she's used have been in similar circumstances, to forget, escape, just enough to blur the lines of reality. But never such a high dosage, followed by opium. Maybe she had been trying to end it. All she knew was when she did wake up, she wished she hadn't. She questions if she really has reached the point where life means nothing at all. What worries her more, is the urge to find oblivion again, disappear completely.

''Hey.''

She doesn't turn at his voice. ''Hey.'' There is a gentleness between them now. One she doesn't remember them ever having, even at the beginning.

He steps closer, looking out over the river, just as she is. ''How... How are you feeling?''

''I'm fine... I just needed some air.''

''Yeah. Cabin is pretty stuffy. Damn small too.''

She takes a long breath. ''Considering the alternative. I wouldn't complain about the accommodation.'' Her eyes flicker to the steel chain fence across the end of the deck, segregating the whites from any orientals. Beyond it rows of hammocks and sleep rolls; Chinese children laughing and playing. She estimates at least twenty are cramped into the cabin space they have.

He looks away from it. ''At least it's only for a few days. Most of them leave at Nangking. The rest of the way up river will be just whites. I didn't know when I booked, we'd have to share space with them.''

She grits her teeth. ''I wasn't the one complaining. You've become quite spoilt, Garret.'' Her voice is cutting and she really didn't mean it to be. She looks to him in apology.

He's already stepping back. ''Well, as you're feeling well enough to be snarky. I'll go find something to amuse me.''

She doesn't bother answering, letting him sulk away. She shakes her head, annoyed she feels guilt. It was much simpler when they just shared space. She's finding it hard to adjust to something else. Her gaze gets lost in the river, the sky, tranquillity of view. But within she can feel the fractures in the tapestry of her being. Threads unravelling, leaving holes, like a thousand moths are nibbling. She scratches at her arm, nails leaving furrows like ploughed fields across the white of skin.

She blinks as she hears a young voice calling, the sound breaking into her silence. Turning her head to investigate the cause. Finding a young Chinese girl pressed up against the chain fence, fingers wiggling through the links, toothless smile aimed. She doesn't realise she moved, until she is crouched, smiling back. ''Hello.''

The girl giggles, speaking again, Chinese quick, lyrical.

She tries to pick out a word she knows. She gives up, shaking her head, pointing to herself. ''Maura.''

The girl chirps words, ending in a smile, fingers wiggling again. She smiles back, catching the little fingers, laughing as they tickle her hand. ''I. Don't. Understand.''

''She's asking if you're Kwan Yin.''

She startles so much so she has to grab the fencing to not fall backwards. Head turning to the gravely voice behind. Her eyes level with khaki trousers, upward over a black shirt. Startling again to find it is a woman with dark hair and deep brown eyes. All she can do is stare. Fingers wiggling against her palm, brings her attention back to the child. ''Kw... Kwan Yin?''

The woman moves closer, hunching down. She resists the urge to create distance between them. But her curiosity out weighs the need. She listens and watches as the woman converses with the girl. Her eyes shift, taking in the form beside her. She can tell the woman is white, but the skin is dark olive, both with heritage and exposer to the sun. Mid twenties? The tight plaited pigtail tells of an oriental connection, also the dialect being spoken is fluent. She doesn't realise the talking has stopped until she finds two sets of eyes watching. Caught, she blushes. Looking back to the child. Fully aware she is the one now being studied by the woman. She clears her throat. ''What did she say?''

''She said... she saw you in a picture. So you must be Kwan Yin.''

''I'm sorry. I don't know who that is?'' She looks to both in question.

''Well, I guess the translation is kinda near a description of an angel.''

''I see.'' She looks away from the amused gaze. ''But why?''

The woman smiles, attention quickly back to the girl. Chinese is exchanged. The woman smiles wider, dimples appearing. ''She said you glowed...When you were standing by the railing. The sun on your hair... I doubt she's seen hair your colour before.''

Self consciously she fingers the edges of her hair. Unlike most, she has never dyed it. She takes a breath, her insides shivering. She is anything but an angel and right now even being compared to one makes her feel a deep seated worm of guilt, awakening too much. Her eyes shift to the child again. She points to herself. ''Maura.'' Shaking her head. ''No... Kwan Yin. I'm sorry.''

The little girl looks crestfallen, questions aimed at the dark haired one. The woman shakes her head, then suddenly barks a laugh.

She jolts, eyes going to the woman. It has been a long time since she heard a genuine laugh. Her brows furrow in question. ''What did she say?''

''She is sad you are not Kwan Yin. Her stomach flop like fish... and would have asked Kwan Yin to take the fish back to the river.''

''Oh.'' She puts a hand to her mouth to hide her amusement. ''Seasick?''

''I expect so. Yes.''

She smiles at the girl. ''I'm not Kwan Yin. But I can help with her fish.'' She stands, turning. ''I'll be back in a moment.'' The woman suddenly appears right in front of her, she stumbles a step back in surprise. ''What are you doing?''

''That's not a good idea.''

''Excuse me?'' She's suddenly aware of how tall this woman is, how intimidating. She takes another step back.

Seeing it, the woman's face softens. ''You were going to get some sort of medicine to help. Right?''

''Yes.''

''Not a good idea. Most of them don't trust western medicine and if the girl gets ill because of it, there will be hell to pay.''

She takes a breath. ''It's just bicarbonate soda... She won't get ill.''

The woman shrugs. ''Probably. But they still won't let you give it to her.''

Annoyance and disbelief flare. ''So I am supposed to do nothing, just because you say so?''

The woman stiffens. ''It's not just because I say so...''

She straightens. ''This is ridiculous. It's a simple cure for what she has.''

Dark eyes flare. ''It may be ridiculous to you!. But not to them.'' Teeth are clenched. ''You lot just come here thinking you can do what you want. That is what is ridiculous.''

It's a red mist in front of her eyes. ''How dare you!''

The woman laughs. Pointing to herself. ''How dare I? This is their country... Respect it.''

''All I'm trying to do is help.'' She refuses to back away as the woman steps forward into her space.

''No. All you're trying to do is solve something that really isn't any of your business. Your kind really have to learn to stop interfering.''

The anger is stirring upward, she takes a step forward. ''My kind? Who do you think you are, talking to me in this way?''

The woman in front of her is defiant, shoulders squared, jaw tense. ''I'm just someone who sees every day, how arrogant people like you are... Thinking they can just come into someone else's country and pretty much do whatever the hell they want.''

She doesn't even bother to hold back this time. It's instant, the anger. A flame across her cheeks. ''You! Do not know me!''

''No, I don't!'' A finger is pointed over her shoulder. ''But I do know them! I care enough to give a shit about their beliefs.''

She turns her head, seeing all the Chinese staring at this display they are putting on. She looks back to the woman. ''''And you think I don't?''

A shrug is the answer. ''In my experience and theirs. The rich don't really give a damn.''

She wants to argue the point, but she really can't. She has seen first hand what this woman is talking about. She looks away. Anger receding like a tide. Leaving her trembling. Hands clenching together. She is defeated in this argument.

The voice is soft. ''It's just the motion of the boat. She'll get over it. There's no need to get so bent out of shape about it.''

She at least can acknowledge this for what it is... an olive branch. She takes a breath. Fully aware her reactions have little to do with the situation and more to do with the state her emotions are in. She takes another deeper breath. Guiltily she looks back to the tiny figure. The girls eyes are wide, signs of fear. ''I am not trying to harm her.'' Her gaze goes back to the woman. ''We are not all the same. Some do care. I care.''

The woman exhales, shoulders relaxing. ''I know that. But they don't... and no amount of me explaining it, is going to get them to trust you enough to give any kind of medication.''

She sighs heavily. Torn between doing what she knows will help and respecting a culture.

''I know this is hard. Believe me I know. I've been on this river for five years and they still don't fully trust me.''

She hears what the woman is saying and on some level she totally agrees with it. She looks to the girl. The other faces watching. Didn't she feel exactly the same when she saw how some were treated in Shanghai? Her eyes dip to the girl, the sadness, the fact she is seasick. Suddenly remembering, she opens her purse searching, taking out the hard round candy. ''Will she accept this?''

''What is it?'' The tone is curious

''Ginger, Sugar, nothing more. Ginger is very good for settling an upset stomach. The extract is used quite regularly in Chinese medicine. They call it Gan Jiang.''

Amusement is dancing in dark eyes. She bristles, going to place the candy back. A firm hand grabs her wrist. She freezes, eyes shooting up.

''Just... just wait... I'll ask.''

The hand is gone before she can even register. She takes a deep breath, controlling her urge to flee. Calming herself enough to turn around and watch as the woman calls out, speaking over the child to a group at the back. The elder of the group stands, coming closer. Eyes darting in suspicion, until his attention fixes on the woman speaking.

She just listens, looking back and forth trying to read expressions. When the elder looks her up and down and glares. She fixes a smile, offering out the candy. ''Gan jiang.'' She is sure her pronunciation is appalling.

He looks to the candy in disgust, until his attention dips to the little girl who is tugging on his shirt tails. She recognizes 'Kwan yin' between the uttered words. She watches as the elders face softens, a smile forming, before returning a steel gaze to her. She keeps the smile on her face, even though his look is unnerving. He scoffs a few words, nodding, waving a hand of dismissal, turning away.

She swallows hard. ''Is that good or bad?''

A chuckle.''Definitely good... I guess you look enough like Kwan Yin... You can give it to her.''

She kneels again, smiling, offering over the candy. ''Tell her to suck it slowly.''

The taller woman does so.

The girl takes it, shoving in her mouth, eyes lighting up at the taste. Chirping words again, before turning running back towards the group. She watches until the girl is out of sight. Rising, brushing off her hands. ''What is her name?''

''Xiu Ying …... It means little flower.''

''How beautiful...'' Her gaze goes back to the woman. ''And you are?''

''Oh, yeah, sorry... Jane...Jane, Rizzoli.'' A hand is wiped down a leg before being offered over, along with a full smile.

She shakes it briefly. ''Maura Fairfield...'' She pauses. ''Rizzoli? Captain Rizzoli?''

Jane gives a sheepish look. ''Yeah. My Pop... He runs the steamer, I run the engine.''

She can't think of anything to say to that. She rubs at her arms as a shiver goes through her. The argument taking the last of her energy. Now there is an awkward silence between them. Her loss of control, has rattled her.

''Hey, you okay?''

The concern makes her focus. ''Yes.''

''Need some ginger? I know someone that has some.''

The teasing tone makes her look up. Studying the tall woman, the open gaze directed. No anger there now, just concern. It makes her uneasy. ''I'll be fine.'' She feels the motion of the boat a little too much. Swallowing, feeling the pin pricks of cold sweat beginning. When Jane takes a step closer, her instinct makes her step right back, until she can feel the heat of the metal bulk head.

The action halts Jane in her tracks. ''You sure you're okay?''

She nods, already moving. ''I... I'm going to go back to the cabin to lie down for a while. The heat...'' Words trail off. All she can hear is the steamer throb of engine, like a heartbeat in her ear, loud. She sways, suddenly feeling the movement of the deck beneath her feet.

''Yeah. It'll get cooler as we head up river... I should go.''

She forces a smile. Stepping away before more questions are asked. Wiping her sweating palms down her skirt. Another wave of nausea makes her clamp her mouth tight. Shivers now over taking her motor control. With one hand to steady on the railing, she makes her way back to the cabin.

By the time she gets within its safety, she is bathed in sweat. She quickly strips out of her clothes, stopping only to throw water on her face and run a wet cloth over her body. Tugging on a linen nightgown, stumbling to the bunk. She makes herself drink the boiled water left out, now it is tepid. But she knows the fluid is needed. As it hits her stomach, it makes her want to go and throw it up, but she continues swallowing until the feeling passes. She replaces the glass.

All she can do is breathe, head bowed, clenching her hands. The tremors shift through her body like waves, no amount of breathing is calming them. The girl, her smile. The innocence of her. Innocence... She is no angel. An image of Matthew flashes. Her eyes slam shut... They open slowly, focus going to the travel case on the shelf. Her head shakes, arguing with herself. Another tremor twists her insides. Another image breaks her resolve.

Standing, she walks to the case, pulling it down, opening. Hands are frenzied as she searches through. Fingertips touch what she needs. Bringing out the leather zip case, she opens it. Staring down at the hypodermic and small glass vials. It would be so easy, so very very easy to make it all go away again. Her breath is huffs, sweat is prickling every pore of her skin. Trembling fingers run along the shaft of the injector.

''Just enough to make it stop.'' It's a whisper of denial.

It comes so easily her next actions. Pull of rubber across upper arm, tight. Fisting of hand, vein stands blue. Slip of steel into flesh, push of plunger. Head goes back, eyelids blinking, flickering the world into colours... Liquid heat. The shivers stop, the tremors calm. She can breathe again.

She is lazy, heavy, lethargic as she returns to the bed. Laying down, bringing the sheet up over, welcoming the coolness. One arm falling across her eyes, blocking the remaining light. She is exhausted both mentally and physically. But there is a deeper pull, warmth of blue, no cares now. Her thoughts soon disappear within the welcome oblivion.


TBC