So I probably should have posted this a while ago… but here comes an overdue, long, and explanatory author's note.
So if you're someone who looks at the published date (and even if you aren't) this story began a long, long time ago. Over seven years ago!
Recently, I was feeling inspired again, and I decided to do an entire re-haul of this series, keeping some of the 'reasons' the same, and changing some as I was inspired by the characters and my ideas. I can assure you it is much improved. (I do have about seven more years of writing under my belt now, so I hope my writing has matured somewhat).
And although this fic may have been sitting for years unfinished, I can guarantee you that within eight or so weeks of this posting, this fic will be finished. I hope you all enjoy as much as I enjoyed writing it.
Reviews inspire me to writer faster, edit faster, post faster… and I am prone to give away special teasers to reviews ;-)
Also, they make me pretty happy…
I hate you because...
1. Only you can make paperwork cool.
2. Only you can make dancing seem like a good option.
3. Only you would be a kickass superhero who can take on a guy ten times your size without flinching, and afraid of thunder.
Robin had a secret.
All right, Robin had many secrets. A secret identity, a secret past, a secret crush… but the one secret he would never let any of the Titans know, not under any circumstances, not even under threat of torture or having to eat Beast Boy's tofu breakfast, was that late at night, when it got dark and he was sure no one was around, he would go back to his room and turn on the TV and he would watch a show that filled him with delight…
Robin had two weaknesses: one of them was a fiery redhead who could more than take care of herself in a fight… the other was… MTV.
OK, well, it wasn't MTV so much as one show, and Robin wasn't even really sure how it happened. He never turned on MTV. He avoided all the Real Worlds and Jersey Shore kind of shows. Let Beast Boy and Cyborg watch those, whatever, Robin wouldn't bat an eye, wouldn't even make a sarcastic comment, but they were simply not to Robin's taste.
But one way or another… well, Robin officially had a guilty pleasure.
And he officially never wanted another Titan to know.
Robin was sitting up in bed, halfway through the new episode he had DVR recorded (and had gone through great lengths as to make sure it would be private, and not easily searchable via Cyborg so that he could mock him for it, as Cyborg tended to do when it came to Robin) when he heard it: a hesitant knock on his door.
Immediately he lunged for the remote and flipped it for the most respectable thing he could think of: PBS. He had no idea what was on as he yelled, "Come in!" to whichever Titan was at his door.
He glanced at the clock by his bed, it was about one AM, and if any of the other Titans were usually up at this hour, they rarely roamed the halls. They even more rarely bothered to knock on his door.
The door slid open to reveal a sheepish looking Starfire, "Oh, apologies, friend, I hope I did not wake you, I believed to have heard some noise coming from your abode and so I decided to enter… is that all right?" she asked hesitantly.
"Of course," he said with a smile, he never really minded when Starfire was the intruder, "Come on in," he said, beckoning her into his room with his hand, "It's not like you to be up so late. What are you doing up?"
She entered, still looking sheepish, and shifting from foot to foot. As she made her way into the light of his bedroom, he tried to make sure he kept his eyes on her face, but it took near superhuman strength.
Robin had long since come to terms (sort of) with the fact that by Earthling standards, Tamerians did not have much modesty. Starfire simply wasn't concerned with bearing skin.
But that didn't mean Robin ever got used to seeing so much of her bare skin.
Starfire was currently wearing some nightdress or long t-shirt thing, which in either case, was neither much of a dress or very long at all. And it didn't take being a world-class detective to figure out how good she looked in it.
She blushed at response to his question, and he tried to force himself to focus in on what she was saying, which seemed to be harder at night in his bedroom than it was normally during the day (and it was pretty hard), "You will think I am foolish…" she murmured.
"Never," Robin swore.
She shifted again from foot to foot, "I know it is silly… you likely have not even noticed… but your planet occasionally experiences loud storms of the thunder and the rain."
Robin blinked at her, slowly, "… yes, I noticed."
Starfire blushed, "Tameran does not have such loud weather. Most often, I can ignore these deafening storms of Earth… but sometimes, when it is late and I lie in bed… I cannot fall asleep. The loud noises remind me of… not so pleasant things from home."
Robin's brow furrowed, "So… you don't like the thunderstorms?"
"They make me rather uncomfortable," Starfire admitted.
Robin's brow did not unfurrow as he considered the comment, "But we've had storms before… what do you normally do?"
"Oh, the storms that reach this level of decibel normally do not last so long," she said airily, but it felt somewhat forced, "If I am truly bothered I simply go to the kitchen and get something to drink and return to my room until the storm has passed. Then I am able to slumber. It is not so bad. But I saw your light on as I walked past, and I thought I heard noise coming from within, so I supposed you were up…" she shrugged, looking adorably pitiful as she did so, "I do not mind company during these storms."
Robin shook his head in bemusement, "See?" Starfire sighed, as she turned to leave his room, "I knew you would consider me foolish—as I am. Not even a bumgorf on your planet is frightened of such storms."
Robin sprang up from bed to stop her from leaving, "It's not that, Star… I just…" he paused for a moment to think how to best explain his surprise, "You're not afraid of Beast Boy's laundry, and I've seen you face down villains eight time your size without so much as flinching… you're one of the bravest people I know. I guess it's just nice to know, even brave warriors like you have little things that make them… uncomfortable."
Starfire shrugged, but still did not seem entirely comfortable as her one hand went to her forearm in a gesture that usually represented she was feeling particularly unsure of herself, "I suppose…"
"Hey," Robin said softly, as he reached out to put a comforting hand on her shoulder, "It even happens to me sometimes. Don't tell anyone," he said, lowering his voice to barely a whisper, "But I've always kind of been afraid of heights."
"But Robin—" Starfire said, looking up at him in surprise, "You have always seemed to enjoy the thrill of the flight. You routinely jump from buildings and you always fly with me… and did you not say some of your first memories are from learning the trapeze?"
Robin shrugged, and let his hand slip off Starfire's shoulder, "You see your parents fall to their death, you start to develop a healthy fear of heights. It's just, the other things I'm doing are more important. It doesn't paralyze me with fear, but I'm never entirely comfortable. There's always a part of me…" he trailed off, unsure of how to continue, and coughed to clear his throat, "I just wanted to let you know… anytime you're uncomfortable… the next time there's a storm, my door's always open. And I'll never think less of you."
Starfire smiled, sweetly and genuinely, at Robin in return, "Thank you, Robin. It was very kind of you to share your fear with me."
"Of course, Star," Robin said, surprised she would think he would do anything else. They stood in silence for a few moments, but Starfire still had her hand on her arm. She looked more comfortable now but… "Look," Robin said, bringing his hand up to his neck, and not sure if this was entirely the right thing to do, but knowing if he didn't offer he'd feel worse, "I was just watching TV, would you… do you want to watch some with me until the storm passes?"
Starfire's hand fell from her arm, "Oh… are you sure? I would not want to bother you more than I have already…" She bit her lip in anticipation of what Robin could only assume was his probable rejection.
"Star, you're never a bother," Robin sat back down on his bed, and moved over closer to the window to make room for Starfire to sit down next to him, "I'll even tell you another secret," he said with a smile.
She smiled back, but still stood near the doorway, "You always manage to make me feel better, Robin."
He raised an eyebrow, "By telling you my secrets?"
She laughed, and finally, walked over and took a seat next to him on the bed, "Sometimes," she said as she swung her legs up on his bed to situate herself.
"OK, now you really have to promise you won't make fun of me now," Robin said solemnly.
"Never," she swore, as she settled more back against his pillows.
He smiled at her, there was something so… familiar and warm about the way Starfire looked, her hair spread out on his pillows, her legs mingling with his sheets, but he decided he had more important things to think about, like how to make sure Starfire forgot all about her discomfort of thunderstorms. "OK, Beast Boy, Cyborg, Raven—none of the other Titans can absolutely ever find out about this," he said seriously, deciding to store thoughts about Starfire and sheets for later. There would be plenty of time later to ruminate on how she looked on his bed.
"Oh, I promise," she said, a certain childlike gleam in her eyes.
Robin found himself smiling at her expression, as he grabbed the remote from his nightstand. Brandishing the control, he gestured to the television, "OK… so, this, is…" Robin squinted at the TV, "Charlie Rose I think. I don't know. Something educational. But that is not what I stay up to until one AM to watch."
"Oh, what do you stay up to watch?" Starfire said, always willing to play the role rapt audience.
Robin switched the program back to his previously recorded program, and sighed deeply, "It's my secret shame—Catfish."
Starfire's eyebrows rose, "Your secret shame… is a show about half-breeds?"
"What? No. A catfish is just a type of fish. I think they're only called catfish because they have long whiskers, but I'm actually not sure. But Catfish: The TV Show is different," Robin explained.
"So it is not about fish?" she asked warily.
Robin chuckled, "No, at least not in the literal sense—it's a metaphor. A confusing metaphor, and you know what, it's so beside the point. So that guy," Robin said pointing at the TV, "Was catfished once. He made a movie about it."
"Catfished…" Starfire said slowly, "Do you mean he was turned into a catfish and his gray haired friend rescued him? Like a fairytale?"
"What? No," Robin shook his head, Starfire never ceased to surprise, that was for sure, "They use the term catfish to mean someone who misrepresents themselves in an online relationship. So nowadays a lot of people who want to date start relationships online. And when you start a relationship online you're not actually talking to these people face to face. And some people don't send pictures or webchat so you have no way of actually being sure if the person looks like what they say they look like, or what they're telling the truth about."
Starfire shook her head, as she leaned her head back on his headboard, "Your Earthling customs for dating are very strange."
"OK… so it's like, normally what would happen is if I, hypothetically, wanted to date you…" Robin said, ignoring the slight catch in his voice as he said it. It was one AM, after all, his defenses weren't quite as strong as they were in the daylight, "I know you, I know your face, I know your voice, I know your personality, I know what you're like. So I'd ask you, Starfire out. But let's say I had been talking with someone online that called themselves Starfire, but we never met in person or talked through a video camera. I wouldn't know if that was really Starfire, right?"
"No…" Starfire said, still sounding rather confused.
"And that's where these two guys come in," Robin said, pointing at the two men on screen, "They do a little investigation, and then they arrange for the two people to meet, uncover the secrets, and then mediate conversations between these people."
Starfire shook her head, looking bemused, "I did not know that the relationships of others so interested you."
"It's not the relationships… it's the mystery," Robin clarified, "The stories are always crazy. I kind of view it like a test, if I can figure out the answer to the mystery before it's revealed… plus…" Robin looked down, now a little shamefaced himself, "It's just… really entertaining for some reason. It shouldn't be, it sounds like a terrible show but…"
Starfire put a warm hand over his, "If you like it, there must be something worthy in it. I would be happy to watch with you."
Robin shot her a smile, trying to ignore the fact that Starfire was touching him in his bed and how could it felt and all the possible ramifications, "Thanks, Star. OK… here we go," he presses the play button as the show cues up.
Starfire, for her part, seems politely interested, but only politely. But maybe it's that it's late, maybe it's the left over fear of the thunderstorm, but more likely, it's just Starfire's typically easy going glass is half full attitude, that she seems to start to enjoy it. Somehow, Robin finds his arm around the back of the bed, and consequently somewhat around Starfire's shoulders as he explains more of the ins and outs of the show to her.
"Honestly, Robin…" Starfire said, looking up at him with wide eyes, "I am most surprised to find you enjoy this show."
Robin groans, and brings his hand up to face in what can only be coined as a dramatic expression, "I know, MTV is not normally my scene."
She laughs, seemingly charmed by his visceral reaction, "No, it is not so much that this channel is not a place you enjoy to occupy… I am most surprised you would choose to watch a show so… focused on the subject of relationships."
"Star, just because I'm not dating anyone doesn't mean I'm opposed to the entire world dating people," Robin said, surprised that his own best friend would think he viewed relationships so negatively, "My plate just happens to be a little… full at the moment."
Starfire smiles wanly, "Yes, I suppose that is the price of being a superhero, one's plate is always full."
"I don't know about that…" Robin starts to say, when Starfire points at the screen.
"Oh, I recognize that program! Friend Raven enjoys it much."
Robin squints, he's not sure if Starfire just blew him off or what but… "No way. Raven does not watch that," he says incredulously.
"Yes," Starfire says with a smile, "She informs me despite the name of the program, it is most gothic in nature when it comes to the story. There are many deaths. But," Starfire added in hushed tones, "I think friend Raven, on occasion, is perhaps more… shallow then she likes to admit."
"There is no way," Robin repeats, still disbelieving, "That Raven watches a show on MTV about werewolves—teenage werewolves and admitted to you she thinks it is quality programming."
"Well, Robin," Starfire pointed out reasonably, "We are only but teenagers ourselves, and I cannot help but think we would make a most delightful subject for a television program."
"I'm not saying it's not… delightful," Robin said carefully, "I'm saying there is no way Raven admitted she finds it delightful to you, unless she was being tortured."
Starfire laughs again, and settles in more firmly to his bed… and, perhaps consequently, perhaps not, Robin can't help but notice, all the closer to him. He hopes he doesn't blush too noticeably, "Oh, it was not under duress. I merely caught her watching it—much like I caught you watching your show about feline-like fish. She could not help it. But I rather get the impression she enjoys it a great deal. Although sometimes, it is most hard to tell how our friend is truly feeling. You know," Starfire said lowering her voice, "Since she has mentioned it, I believe I have caught Beast Boy also watching it in secret."
Robin groaned, and dragged a hand across his face, "Don't tell me that."
Starfire raised her eyebrows, "And you wonder why I am surprised you watch a show so heavily based on finding love through relationships?"
"I told you I watch Catfish for the mysteries—besides, it's not like many of them have happy endings. Except for… well, that's not important," Robin leaned back against the head rest of his bed, and took a moment to truly inspect his ceiling, and sighed, "Does Beast Boy really watch Teen Wolf in secret just because Raven mentioned liking it?"
Starfire shrugs, "I would not be surprised if Beast Boy watched the program before Raven mentioned that. Beast Boy has always been rather fond of wolves… but I think it is perhaps a mitigating factor in his enjoyment."
"Jesus…"
Starfire laughed again, patting Robin's thigh in a way that made Robin really realize he had a thigh, "Do not worry, Robin. I think you were right in your initial assumption that if anything were to evolve from our two friends, it would most likely take a good deal more time. I think it is nice they are trying to find more in common, and deepen their relationship—their friendship." She added firmly at Robin's look.
"God," Robin griped, "I hope you're right."
Starfire watches him carefully for several seconds before she asks quietly, her voice barely louder than a whisper, "Would it truly be so terrible if they did decide to have a relationship?"
Robin sighs again and runs his hand through his hair, "I… I don't know. I think the team's balance can already be pretty precarious at times and that throwing a relationship into the mix… it affects emotions which affect our ability to act efficiently in battle… I think it makes things messy."
"But," Starfire said, turning her face up to meet his eyes with an expression that seems almost pleading, "If the emotions are already present, then do the emotions not already affect our ability to act in battle?"
"Yes…" Robin said slowly, not entirely liking the direction of this conversation. He knew he should have kept watching Catfish a secret—even from Starfire, the person who he has the least secrets from in the world, "But… feelings can only develop so far if you're not in a relationship with a person. Things get infinitely more complicated in relationships."
"You do not think you can love someone unless you participate in a relationship with them?" Starfire said, once more refusing to look Robin in the eye, and instead playing with the edge of his sheet.
He watched her hands as he answered, "I think there is a definite difference from friendship and romantic relationships. You can love a friend, you can be in love with a friend… but it's still different."
"Yes," Starfire said, looking at him from the corner of her eye, watching him carefully, "I suppose it is different."
Robin sighed again, "I mean, at the end of the day, it's not really my decision… they're going to have a relationship or not. But God, can you imagine, Beast Boy and Raven? I'm not saying they wouldn't be good for each other… but can you even believe to think about how tumultuous that would be? Raven throws Beast Boy out of a window for looking at her wrong, if we have to factor in jealousy, dates, remembering anniversaries… we might never fight crime we'd be so busy always playing referee with the two of them."
"Oh, I do not know," Starfire said breezily, "I do not think either of our friends would enter a relationship without believing they could face those hurdles."
Robin shook his head, "God… I don't know, I just never thought Beast Boy and Raven before. I mean, Beast Boy dated Terra, who's pretty much as far from Raven as you can get. And Raven had that thing with Malcihor—who's about as far from Beast Boy as you could get."
"Perhaps that is why they chose to date them at the time," Starfire said quietly.
"It would sure keep things interesting, I guess," Robin said dubiously, but silently resided himself to keeping a much closer eye on the pair to figure out where they stood.
Starfire laughed, "I would not furrow your brow so, Robin, relationships can be very beneficial to both parties involved."
"Hey—I told you my motto, unless it's explicitly my business, I'm staying out of it… I just like to be aware of the possibilities," Robin frowned, "Does seem like love is in the air lately, doesn't it?"
"Oh, I think love is always in the air, it is simply sometimes we are more aware of it than others," Starfire commented airily.
"I guess," Robin said dubiously.
Blessedly, Starfire turned the conversation back to the show, "Tell me what is happening now. They are all sitting down to talk?"
"Oh. Yeah. Right. They like to clear the air, have both parties explain their sides. It's cathartic for everyone involved this way. The person who's been being led on this whole time can say their piece, and the person who's been doing the leading on can explain themselves as best they can," Robin shrugged, "Plus, it's satisfying for the viewer because we supposedly get to learn everything."
"So," Starfire said, settling in even deeper next to Robin, her back now aligned with his side, her head leaning on his shoulder, it was either the best night of his life, or the worst torture he had ever experienced, "Did you solve it correctly this time?" she asks with a grin.
Robin shook his head, trying to focus on the show and not the alien girl cuddled up to him in his head, "Yes… and no. I mean, I knew there was something weird going on… and I had a feeling he didn't really have feelings for her, but I didn't guess they'd both be lying about—"
It is then a loud clap of thunder goes off overheard. Starfire jumps slightly, and her hand reaches out for Robin's chest, looking for strength or warmth, Robin is not sure which. She blushes deeply once the thunder and lightening have passed, and looks up at Robin (although she does not remove her hand), "I apologize for my… jump."
Robin places a warm hand over top hers, still on his chest, "Star," he said seriously, "I told you, you don't need to feel embarrassed." He shoots her a crooked grin, "The thunder really bothers you though, doesn't it?"
She shudders slightly, "Yes, I suppose that is the proper word. It bothers me. Greatly. It reminds me of—well, that is of no great import."
He rubs her hand slightly with his thumb, something he would never normally do if it wasn't one AM, and if Starfire didn't really seem so startled, "Star…" he says in soft tones, "if you ever want to talk about it…"
"Oh, Robin," Starfire said, looking up at him with what Robin thinks is appreciation, "You know I would come to you should I wish to discuss it in any matter. As I would hope you would come to me, should the need arise to discuss something of significance."
Robin smiled down at her, "You know I would. Have."
"I am very grateful to have a friend like you," Starfire said, smiling up at him in return.
Robin looked down at her, and could not help but be overcome with his own wave of gratitude. Starfire meant so much to him—as a teammate, and especially as a friend. He knows Beast Boy and Cyborg, and even Raven sometimes, snicker about how Starfire is his soft spot.
But the thing is… Robin's too hard.
… that came out wrong.
Robin knows he needs… well, he knows Starfire balances him out well. Brings him into synergy. And he knows that because of her, he is a better leader, a better superhero, and most definitely a better and happier person.
Starfire is still close to him, her hand still on his chest, but his arm is still resting above her head, and he is sitting up against the headboard. He makes a sudden decision he decides not to question too much.
He wraps an arm around Starfire's back, closing the few centimeters left between them, and making sure she is… well, he supposes there's no other word than snuggled up against him.
He tells himself that if they were normal teenagers… he can pretend that for one night, right? If they were normal best friend teenagers, this wouldn't… it wouldn't be so irregular.
But Robin ultimately decides, rationale or not, tonight… he just wants Starfire close. It's much harder to fight these urges this late, when they've been talking and laughing for the last hour.
Starfire smiles at him as he draws her closer, "Thank you," she says simply, and a look of understanding passes between them.
"You do know," Robin says in a tone that doesn't quite sound like his, "I meant it when I said you were one of the bravest people I know."
Starfire's lips quirk, "You are also one of the people who makes me feel safest."
The thunder claps loudly over head, and Robin rubs her arm. Starfire smiles up at him and settles her head more so against his chest. He wonders if she can hear his heartbeat pick up, but decides to not worry, and just enjoy the smell of Starfire, how soft she feels and the feeling of her arm curled around him.
"On Tameran," she says, her voice slightly muffled from her position on Robin's chest, "We do not admit our fears so easily. It is not something I am used to," she says as she looks apologetically at Robin as the thunder continues.
Robin frowns slightly, "To tell you the truth, admitting my fears isn't something I do very easily either."
"I am very grateful you would share them with me, then," she says with a smile.
They watch the show together for several more moments, feeling no need to fill the silence.
"Is this what the typical teenager behavior is like?" Starfire asks suddenly.
"Well, I mean, I think civilian teens use the internet to communicate a lot," Robin says thoughtfully, "But I don't know about stuff like this. I wasn't exactly a normal teen before I came to the Titans, either. I was either a billionaire's ward or at a circus. Neither of which makes the most normal teenage experience. But I don't think most kids do stuff like this."
Starfire makes a noise of understanding in her throat, "Many of our friends seem most concerned with this average teenage life."
Robin shrugs, "Well, Cyborg was a normal teen until he hit high school and had his accident. But Raven never was. I think when it comes to stuff like prom, everyone wants something like that," Robin makes a face, "Well most people."
Starfire giggles, "I had most fun at Cyborg's Normal Prom. Did you not? You looked most handsome in your tuxedo."
"Of course I had fun, I was with you."
Starfire laughed again, "It was nice to see all of our friends looking so relaxed and comfortable."
Robin looks down at Starfire curled on his chest. There is something nice about seeing a… friend looking so relaxed and comfortable.
"You know, Star, if you want to sleep in here tonight, it's fine with me," Robin says, and can feel himself blushing even as he says it.
"I could not intrude."
"Hey, I thought I already told you that you could never intrude," Robin said somewhat sternly.
She bites her lip, "No… I think it might be best if I return to my own chambers once the storm has passed. I would not want our fellow Titans to talk," she says with a slight laugh that feels forced to Robin.
Robin shrugs, "Let them talk. I don't care."
Starfire arches a brow, "You do not?"
Robin weighs the idea in his head. His team's respect means a lot to him, but he doesn't think he'll lose much of it if Starfire spends one night in his room. But then again, he supposes her virtue is much more at stake then his own.
He reminds himself that this… him and Starfire thing isn't just a himand Starfire thing, emphasis on him—it's an and thing, emphasis on and. He has no idea where her head is now.
"I don't care what they say," he repeats firmly, as he runs a hand through her hair, "But I understand if you don't want to stay."
She bites her lip, tentatively, finally she asks quietly, "Will you play the next episode? Then, if the storm has not passed, perhaps I will… reconsider."
Robin smiles down at her, "Of course."
