Title: Playing With Fire
Chapter 4
"Burn damnit, burn!"
Demyx watched in horror as for the twentieth time in the past ten seconds, Axel let out a scream of rage and set the field on fire. The flowers burned as orange and red flames licked through them, causing the field to smell of flowers and ash before as suddenly as it had come, the flames went out leaving blackened husks everywhere.
There was a silence, and then green tendrils began creeping out of the ground. It took only seconds for the entire field to return to its previous pristine state, the yellow sunflowers mocking Axel once again.
"Goddamnit!" Axel yelled, kicking at a flower and hopping away when the flower tried to bite off his shoes. "I'm… going to kill… that damn bastard… Marluxia! He knows… he knows I'm allergic to sunflowers!" The pauses were punctuated by loud sneezes, and Demyx tried not to grimace as Axel practically looked like he was crying, although he knew for a fact that the tears came from the allergic reaction and were not, as some would put it, tears of frustration. Although it was becoming a likely possibility as Axel screamed in fury again and set the field of flowers on fire. Again.
"Doesn't he ever get tired of that?" Zack asked from beside Rinoa, who looked positively aghast at the destruction taking place before her.
"You know what they say about getting through to tiny brains," a cold voice drawled from beside him. Demyx made a face at Kuja, who just continued to watch Axel trying to get the flowers to stay dead with no little amusement, the flames of hell reflecting in his eyes.
"Yeah, but you have to admit it's starting to get a little old. And who's this Marluxia guy he keeps ranting about? Even I'm ready to go kick his ass, if it'll stop Axel from screeching like a gutted hyena."
"I don't think that will help," Rinoa said. "The flowers aren't connected to anybody in particular; they're a part of this world, and nobody but a god can get rid of them."
"Yes, well, do me a favor and do not inform Axel of that piece of information," Kuja said. "This is far too entertaining after the boredom I have dealt with for the past four years."
"Look, just because you look like a woman doesn't mean I can just forget that underneath that man skirt you have male bits."
Oh god, oh god! Too much information! Demyx's mind screamed as he desperately clutched his sitar like a security blanket, but horror kept his lips glued together despite every sense of self-preservation begging him to say something before his ears bled.
Luckily though, something caught his eyes and his head practically swiveled 240 degrees as he cried out (in a very high-pitched, squeaky sort of way), "There's someone over there!" Not that he really cared, but anything to keep Zack and Kuja from continuing that conversation. He was already going to be emotionally scarred for life, and would not be able to keep his eyes closed for more than two seconds before being barraged with icky mental images that would make him want to commit suicide. The only problem with that statement was that… well, technically being dead already, committing suicide wouldn't get him very far. He would probably just wake up in pain and with the same mental images still dancing across his eyelids, threatening to blind him and drive him insane.
However, Demyx felt that the situation had turned from bad to worse (which was hard to do, considering how horrible everything was already, just because of the conversation) when he noticed that the person who had caught his eye had turned to face him and was now staring back. With his red eyes. Red creepy eyes.
"ZACK!" Demyx grabbed Zack's arm and drew him out of his argument with Kuja. "There's a vampire in that tree! It's going to swoop down and suck all our bloods and kill us all! Again! I don't want to die again!"
Demyx was not comforted at all when Zack just cheerfully replied, "Oh don't worry. That's just Vinny. He tries to be all intimidating and everything, but he's a big fluffy bunny really."
And it really was not reassuring that once Zack said that, Vinny, the not-a-vampire, raised a gun and shot Zack.
"Damnit Vincent! Not there!"
Demyx wished the ground could swallow him whole and take him to a nice place without pyromaniacs hell-bent on burning down the pretty field of flowers and scary not-a-vampire in a tree.
Demyx realized that this was probably his punishment for eating all that ice cream in bed. And helping an evil organization try and take over the world, but who would hold a grudge over that? Still, seeing as how he was dead and stuck here, he might as well try and make something good of it. Or go to his happy place. Happy place was good. And safe.
And thus, Demyx propped up his sitar and begun to play his happy song in a frantic attempt to block out the chaos and perversion around him.
"Demyx! Stop it! You're making my ears bleed!"
It was really a pity that once Demyx immersed himself in his happy place, he was deaf to everything except the harmonious sounds of his sitar.
"Demyx! Don't make me chakram your ass! I swear I will if you keep playing that bloody sitar!" Axel screamed at his once colleague before breaking out into a fit of sneezes. "Dammit! I knew it. Marluxia sent you, didn't he?! He sent you here to torture me for eternity! I'll get you Marluxia!"
Rinoa watched Axel curse the heavens before turning to Zack and calmly stating, "I think he sounds rather good." And, before anyone could move a muscle, Rinoa sat down next to Demyx and started humming along with Demyx's sitar.
Zack thought it was a good time to get Vincent to come down and join the festivities. However, as he soon realized from the shower of bullets coming down at him, shaking the tree was not a good way to get Vincent in a celebratory mood. Or out of the tree.
Kuja, on the other hand, had never been this amused in the whole four years he had been dead. Sure, Demyx wasn't the most skillful player, but he wasn't as off tune as Axel made him out to be. And, in Kuja's most honest opinion, the screams and weeping (and violent sneezing) from Axel- who was now huddled on the grass in the middle of a pack of sunflowers- added to the lovely melody.
However, Kuja was horribly disappointed when Axel stopped making all those delicious noises and instead lifted his head to survey the area, much like how a hunting dog tries to sniff out its prey.
Rinoa also noticed Axel's abrupt actions and asked, "Axel, what's wrong?"
Kuja knew his fun was over once Axel turned to look at them and said, "My Roxie has come!"
Zack twisted his head to stare at Axel with a puzzled look on his face. "Your what has come where? How do you know this?"
"My Roxas senses are tingling."
Only the strumming of Demyx's sitar could be heard for a moment before Zack started snickering and muttered under his breath, "I think something else of yours is tingling."
Demyx's sitar made a horrible twang as its player stared at Zack in horror.
Saix was a very, very angry beaver. Not literally a beaver, as a Saix beaver would be a very disturbing sight indeed (although it admittedly might add to his typical lack of charm), but he was at least very angry.
This was probably due to the fact that his love muffin was being pressed against the wall by an evil mad scientist, who looked about three seconds from licking his evil mad scientist tongue across Xemnas's beautiful, unblemished face.
It was a surprise that Saix did not go into berserker mode right then and there, but kind of him to refrain so as to allow the story to move forward with Very Important Plot Point Explanations.
"Do you really think anyone is going to believe that you are just trying to give me a medical exam?" Xemnas asked, sounding somewhat bemused as Hojo groped him merrily. Well, as bemused as one could be when someone is being molested, plus the fact that Xemnas very technically did not have emotions (making it somewhat unlikely that he really did sound bemused). Still, he tried, and got an A for effort even if he did not sound very sincere.
"Why wouldn't they?"
"Seeing how we are dead, I don't think being in the peak of health is very necessary for you and I."
"Better safe than sorry," Hojo replied in a slight sing-song that had once made many an unlucky and unwilling experiment subject whimper in fear and abject horror. "Besides, you never used to complain about my medical exams when we were-"
"That was another lifetime ago," Xemnas cut off, giving Saix's nonexistent heart a little leap of joy and hope that maybe he had a chance, the fact that they lacked feelings aside. "We were young. We didn't know better. You were much better looking."
"Look, just because I'm balding a little—damnit, I tried! I tried to make a hair growth potion but it didn't work! Or rather… it did work, but a little too well… I was shedding hair for three weeks."
Saix shuddered while Xemnas snorted, "A mental image I did not need to have. Could we get on with the update on the status of our evil plans? What is Jenova up to this time? This had better be a more effective plan than the last. Xaldin still has not fully recovered from the bites of those bloody rabbits."
"Since when have you cared about the state of your minions?"
"Did I say I cared? Caring requires a heart," Xemnas replied coldly. "And according to chick flicks, tear ducts."
"Does it? Then what are those two… what's his name, Zexion, I believe and that big one—he's not pretty enough for me to bother remembering his name—they seem to care for each other quite a bit. Well, at least they're always trying to have sex with their clothes on."
"It's just the memory of caring. If we actually could care, we would have our hearts. And if we had our hearts, we would not have to bother… cooperating with you and that alien." Xemnas couldn't help but shiver at that. Despite having dealt with monsters of many a kind, Xemnas had never dealt with anyone quite like Jenova, who was freakish to an unimaginable degree. For someone who spent most of her time just floating around and issuing orders through a mouthpiece like Hojo, there was still something distinctly creepy about her tentacles always waving this way and that, which made him shiver every time he turned around. It was like he could feel the tentacles reaching for him, and while fear was not an emotion he quite felt anymore, the feeling was still more than enough to keep him always looking backwards.
"And I thought we were helping each other out for old time's sake." Hojo's fingers trailed up Xemnas's thigh, an evil grin on his face.
"If that is what you want to think," Xemnas replied, smacking the hand away (causing Saix to give a silent cheer). "But old times mean nothing to a Nobody."
"Don't be so dramatic. The plans to escape the Underworld are going well. We did not even have to do anything—that meddling mouse moved our plans forward quite nicely, with no help from us. That boy Riku was supposed to bring the keybearer here after thoroughly ravishing him, but instead the idiot came here of his own free will!" At this point, Hojo cackled evilly. And paused to grope Xemnas again, as it had been some time since the last round of improper touching.
And because Important Plot Point Explanation was for the most part over, it turned out to be a perfect moment for Saix to decide that enough was enough, and there would be no more improper touching of his love muffin if he had anything to do with it.
So this time, when Hojo tried to orally molest the very bored and very unconcerned Xemnas, he was met instead with a claymore to the head.
The shack shook.
There was a silence, and then Xigbar said, "Ten gil that Saix finally destroys that place, leaving us bereft of a 'secret headquarters' and therefore unable to ever escape the sight of two certain horny-"
"Thank you, Xigbar, but that is sufficient explanation," Luxord interrupted. "I will wager twenty gil that the place will stand, seeing how it is part of the Underworld and has and will continue to stand here for all of eternity, regardless of Saix having a berserker rage inside of it."
"You're no fun," Xigbar grumbled as he watched the shack continue to shake, the sounds of screams and cursing echoing from it. He had to admit though that Luxord had a point; when the Organization members had come here, the shack had already been here, occupied by one mad scientist and an alien creature with way too many tentacles to make anyone comfortable. And despite the fact that Saix had daily temper tantrums that should have brought the place down, and the time Xaldin had decided to use the shack for target practice with his lances, and that time Lexaeus had nearly ripped the place apart trying to find Zexion (about to become the latest victim of one of Hojo's experiments), and not to mention that incident with the bunnies—the shack still stood. But then, it never hurt to hope, particularly when there was just really nothing else to do for entertainment.
No, for the most part, being dead was a serious drag. As of now what it meant was being stuck with the same people that he had already been stuck with for the majority of his existence as a Nobody, and even back then he hadn't exactly been fond of those people. Even though they weren't really… bad people when they weren't backstabbing each other at periodic intervals, being with them for so long meant it was terribly predictable. And to Xigbar, predictable translated to boring.
At least, besides the aforementioned incident with the bunnies. It was a shame that Xemnas wouldn't let him keep one to train; it might have made non-life a lot more bearable with something as psychotically rabid as Saix in a Xemnas-protective berserker mode was. Xigbar had even come up with a name for it (Fluffy McFoo), but Xemnas had forced him to release the thing before he could teach it to fetch.
Yes, Xigbar really was just that desperate.
Luckily for his non-sanity, however, entertainment came in the form of one Cloaked Schemer and one Silent Hero. Well, if by entertaining one meant potentially blinding. It wasn't that Xigbar took issue to the relationship—and if he did, it was more due to that question of how two people without hearts could like one another, although that could be answered by the fact that gratuitous hot sex does not actually require affection; in fact, in some cases it is preferable not to have any feelings for one another—but how they wouldn't stop. Didn't they ever need to breathe?
… oh yes. Forgot. Dead people don't have to breathe.
"Come to grace us with your presence?" Luxord asked cheerfully. "Or has the sex haze finally worn off?"
Zexion sniffed haughtily, which had less than its desired effect due to the hicky on his pale neck. "We thought we would inform you that the keybearer and his companions have arrived."
"Oh?" Luxord looked interested. "And how would you know that?"
Before Zexion or Lexaeus could respond, Xigbar interrupted, "Man, don't tell me you forgot. Zexion's a certified sniffer dog!" To top it off he reached over to pet the shorter Nobody on the head, smirking as Zexion bared his teeth in a very canine-like manner, although the irony seemed lost on him.
"I am not a damn animal!" VI snapped. But before he could continue, Lexaeus—much to Xigbar's disappointment—gently covered Zexion's mouth and-
"Oh dear," Luxord said. "I think it is time we make a quick exit."
"Think you're right," Xigbar said, smirk turning to horror as a soft moan seemed to echo through the field. "Let's go check on Xaldin. Wonder if he's still bleeding from that bite on his forehead?"
PAS notes: Hope you enjoyed it. To insure chaos, drop us a review.
Next chapter up sometime between now and then.
