There is more then 1 entry in this chapter, because of the shortness of the first entry. I figured I'd save myself from the trouble of dealing with angry anti-short-chapterers.

Struggle

February 22, 1998 - Sunday

For the first time in many months I actually feel happy. I met a beautiful woman named Michiru Kaiou when I went out this past weekend. Amazingly, she came over to talk to me first. I didn't have to make the first move, so she's bold. I like that about a girl. She's a few years younger then I am, but that doesn't mean anything to me. I plan on taking her out to dinner this Friday night, then out to whatever movie she wants to go and see.

What will she think of me though when she sees me as a man? I told her a little bit about that last time, it didn't seem to bother her. But it normally never does, not until they actually see it and they're going out with somebody who's like that. I guess I'll just have to wait and see. Hopefully she'll understand that I have to dress like I do. Nobody looks at me funny when I have my breast bound down. I'd get stared at if I were to wear a sport's bra with a tighter fighting shirt, then they'd all wonder what was wrong with me. Nobody thinks twice when they see me as a man.

February 26, 1998 - Thursday

I met with Dr. Sato yesterday afternoon. And let me just say I'm afraid to take the prescription to the pharmacy to have it filled. I was able to talk with him about everything that was on my mind. Granted I never once looked up at him. But I was able to tell him everything. That I've felt like this for a year or two now. And about my behaviors when I was a child. That I'd rather had played baseball, and with trucks, then with dolls and dresses. I've never felt like I should have been a little girl, that I should have been a little boy all along.

I think I'm going to go and get this filled at the pharmacy. He knows I suffer from gender dysphoria. He's starting me on a low dosage of hormones to make sure my body doesn't have any adverse reactions to it. I think he said after this 2 month supply is through, he'll consider upping the dosage before getting me in for surgery. I felt myself start getting a little uneasy when he mentioned surgery. Especially the lower surgery. The good thing is, I wouldn't have to travel to the U.S. like I had originally thought. There are a few surgeons right here in Tokyo that can perform the operations.

Dr. Sato said once I come in for my follow-up appointment, and as long as everything's going well with the current hormones, he'll have his secretary make me an appointment with one of the mastectomy doctors. Hopefully all the butterflies in my stomach will be gone by the time that comes around…I'm actually doing this.

March 2, 1998 - Monday

I started taking those hormone pills that Dr. Sato prescribed for me. I haven't seen any change yet, but he said it will take a week or two before the effects would hit me.

My date with Michiru went amazingly well. I wasn't expecting her reaction when she saw me. She gave me that same goofy smile she gave me when she first approached me. I remember what she said too when I picked her up. "This fits you much better then what you wore last week."

During our date I told her about my appointment with Dr. Sato, and about the medicine. She didn't seem surprised at all as I told her about that. This is the type of person I need in my life. Somebody who will always be there, no matter what I do. She told me that as long as I'm happy, then she'll be happy. I really like her. I'm going to give her a phone call later to see if she wants to come over for dinner tonight.


And to save myself from harrassment, I already know that it takes much more then 1 appointment to be given hormonal treatments. I HAVE done the research on all of this. Just to know what I might have to go through one day...sigh But that's another story. So save your breath and don't say how it'll take 3 or more visits before hormones would start, I already know this.