So, in every fic ever, Rachel is suspicious of Blaine's intentions. I get it. However, I'm going for a different sort of Rachel. She sees that Kurt is happy (and that they are darling together) and she's happy for him. Someone has to balance out Finn, and his mother and Rachel are more than happy to create that balance. I guess we might find out on the show soon enough.
I'm not sure how realistic Kurt and Blaine's conversation is, but I think Kurt really just wants a lot of control over the situation. The books aren't supposed to be any particular books.
xxx
Sunday night, Kurt skims all three books. There are several moments when he really, really wants to call Blaine. He doesn't. This is time he needs for himself; later he can share with Blaine.
He learns quit a bit. At first, he really wants to know what's expected of him, but the books don't really help much with that. If anything, they make it worse. What he really learns is that he has a lot of options. A ridiculous number of options. A completely overwhelming number of options.
A lot of them are options he doesn't particularly want to take. He finds a lot of pictures he really doesn't want to look at again, and a lot of words that seemed perfectly innocent until he looks at the definitions. Like fisting. It didn't sound that bad; he'd assumed it was just a different word for a handjob. You took it in your fist, and you… but that wasn't what it meant at all. There was a picture for that particular chapter. Looking at it made him wince and cross his legs. It doesn't seem like it should be physically possible, and even if it is, why would anyone want to do that, ever?
He calms down in a moment and finds chapters he really does want to read. Some are pretty basic. Two of the books even have chapters on kissing, and he picks up a few tips that could prove to be interesting.
He tries to start off with things that he's pretty comfortable with. Like handjobs. He imagines it's just like masturbating at an awkward angle. He can handle that. That's exactly what he wants to be handling. (He snorts at his own joke.) There's nothing too shocking in this particular chapter. There's a picture of a man with his pants unzipped, cock hanging out, another man's firm grip around his shaft. The men are burly and hairy, and one has a tattoo drawn in on his bicep, but it doesn't matter. The picture itself isn't that interesting, but the ideas it gives him really are interesting. It's something he's thought about a lot: giving and getting handjobs. There have been times he wanted to just reach into Blaine's school trousers and stroke, but he hasn't. Maybe if they'd had more privacy… Regardless, he feels like he's ready. It's going to be embarrassing, but he really wants to do it. It seems weird that he hasn't yet.
There are other things he wants to do that he's a lot more nervous about. He flips to see page 57, and there it is written in bold font, on the top of the page: Fellatio.
He used to fantasize about a man going down on his knees and taking his cock in his mouth, hot, wet tongue on him, eyes looking up to meet his, and just licking and sucking, and… He still has the same fantasy. It's still something he thinks about in the shower. But now, he also imagines sucking Blaine's cock. He's thought about it before, what it would be like to do it to another man, but with Blaine? He wants to. He really wants to.
He reads this chapter in all three books. Every tip, every position, every picture adds a new layer to his imaginings. He may or may not have lingered on the sex tips in Mercedes' copies of Cosmo for exactly this reason. He's nervous; it sounds like it requires a lot of coordination. He wants to do it, though, and he really, really hopes Blaine wants him to as well.
There are things he wants to do, and there are things he's afraid Blaine is going to want. One thing in particular. Anal. Even thinking the word makes him blush. It's not that he never wants to try it. It's certainly not that he's never thought about it. It just seems like such a big step. It seems so intimate, so intense, so… final. He wants to do it. He even wants Blaine to be the one he does it with. It's just not time yet.
He hopes it's not going to be a problem. Blaine loves his ass. He's never made a secret of it. When they make out, Blaine's hands tend to find their way south. More than once, he has dropped things just to watch Kurt pick them up. It's a little annoying, but mostly he's flattered.
His biggest stress is with the issue of 'top' and 'bottom'. So far, it hasn't really come up in his relationship with Blaine. When they cuddle, there isn't much of an issue about who is the 'big spoon' and who is the 'little spoon'. Sometimes, they lay on the couch, and Blaine puts his arms around Kurt, pulling him up against his chest. It's nice. Sometimes, the position is reversed. They both like that, too. He imagines that instead of being a 'big spoon' and a 'little spoon' they are like the Glade interlocking lids he sees commercials for. They're completely interchangeable. He can try everything from every side, and he likes that. He doesn't want it to change. He doesn't want to be stuck in one role in a relationship; he wants to try everything. What if Blaine has given him a role in his head?
It's all so awkward. Blaine says he wants to do whatever Kurt wants to do, but what if he has ideas? Kurt certainly has ideas. They've talked about doing more, but it's so imprecise. He just wants to know…
He takes a deep breath. Blaine is coming over after school on Tuesday. They can talk about everything, and Kurt can show him his books, and they can finally get a plan together. Kurt likes plans. He likes plans and lists and order. He likes it when things make sense, and right now they really don't.
The books help. There's a lot of information in them, and he finds out some things he hadn't known before. He finds out what frotting is. It seems so simple, but he's honestly never thought about it before. He thinks about it now, looking through the illustrations. It seems so new and exciting, and he definitely, definitely wants to try this. It's the first thing that he wants to try that is really clearly two-sided. They could sixty-nine and both get each other off, or they could give each other handjobs, but the idea of just rubbing himself against Blaine, rubbing until they both come… The books have already more than paid for themselves.
The next interesting thing he learns is that fingering can be a sex act in and of itself. This is kind of a revolutionary idea, although he's not sure why. He knows it can be fun all by itself. He really knows this. He's always kind of assumed, though, that when someone else got involved in it, it was because they were preparing you for something bigger. More than he imagines anything else, he likes to think about Blaine fingering him. He watches him play the piano sometimes; long, graceful fingers gently striking the keys. His fingers are calloused from playing the guitar, and Kurt knows it would feel entirely different than anything he could possibly do to himself. He's not quite sure he's ready to ask for this just yet, but it's a (very, very) nice idea, and he likes thinking about it.
More than anything, he wishes he'd bought these books years ago. There's so much he didn't know, so much he still needs to read more about. It's liberating, knowing that he's not the only person having these thoughts. (Rationally, he knows he's not, but living in the middle of Ohio, it certainly feels that way sometimes.)
When he finally gets to bed, his mind is still racing. Blaine texts him goodnight, and he wants to text him back something completely filthy (because he's been thinking about him all evening, and those thoughts turn to actions, and those actions tire his wrist…), but he just sends 'Sleep well ;)' instead.
xxx
When he sees Blaine on Monday morning, he directs him away from the other students. They sit in a secluded corner of the commons, far enough away to avoid eavesdroppers.
"I bought some books," Kurt says quickly.
"That's nice," Blaine replies, a puzzled grin on his face. It's the same look he gets when Kurt tries to explain anything about cars: completely charmed but uncomprehending.
"No, they're books," Kurt tries to clarify. "They… explain things. Next week things."
"Next week things," Blaine says slowly, taking a step closer to Kurt. His smile widens, and he reaches out a hand to touch Kurt's arm, just above his elbow. Kurt blushes and looks down. "Is it… an interesting read?"
"Definitely," Kurt replies. "I can show you tomorrow, if you're still coming over."
"Absolutely. They can help us with out 'plan'," Blaine says, same goofy smile on his face. It's a smile that always makes Kurt want to kiss him, but right now they aren't terribly far from there classmates. Instead, he looks up and smiles back before they go back to join their friends.
xxx
It's finals week at WMHS, which means most students are incredibly busy. There are papers to be written, presentations to be given, and above all, there is an ungodly amount of studying to be done. The students and teachers are under a lot of stress.
Finn Hudson is pretty unaffected. He supposes it should be stressful, but he doesn't really care about his grades. In fact, most of his extra-curriculars are done for the school year. He's actually got a lot less to do than usual. His girlfriend, on the other hand, is freaking out. She always has something going on after school: ballet, voice lessons, acting classes, and a bunch of other stuff Finn really doesn't care about. She's studying like mad for all of her classes, because she elected to take honor's classes for just about everything.
So he really shouldn't have been surprised at her reaction when he came to talk to her before first period.
"Finn, I don't even have the time to tell you I don't have the time to talk to you right now!" she tells him.
"I just… Kurt and I figured everything out," Finn tells her, racing through the halls with her. She's more than a foot shorter than him, so she really shouldn't be capable of outpacing him like this, but he has to take very long strides to keep up with her.
"And?" Rachel asks. She's retrieving her books from her locker. She's not looking at Finn, but he knows she's paying attention. She couldn't not listen; getting involved in other people's relationships is one of her favorite pastimes.
"Kurt made me go shopping with him this weekend, and I talked to Blaine. It seems like he's an okay guy, you know? He's still kind of weird and stuck-up, but it seems like he really cares about Kurt," Finn reports.
"Of course he does," Rachel replies. "Finn, you can tell just by looking at them that he's crazy for Kurt. Kurt has really good taste."
Finn grimaces a little bit, because he really doesn't want to think about Kurt's taste. Apparently he fits in there somewhere, and he really doesn't want to think about it. He's nothing like this guy Kurt has apparently fallen for. That means something, he's sure, but if he thinks about it too hard, it's probably not going to be pretty.
"I didn't mean it like that," Rachel says to Finn's silence. "Although it's true."
"I'd rather avoid that whole chapter," Finn says.
"It wasn't exactly his proudest moment," Rachel says. "It seems like he's a lot happier now."
"Yeah," Finn replies, but in his head, he adds 'for now.'
xxx
Tuesday night comes slowly. Dalton still had almost a month left, so Kurt and Blaine are quite busy. The Warblers are still extremely active, and classes are going strong. After practice, Blaine follows Kurt home. Kurt's glad Burt and Finn are at work. Carole is home, but she's always pleasant. She hugs them both and gives Kurt a smile that makes him a little uncomfortable as they head to his room.
Of course, he's more uncomfortable when he actually gets there. He kneels down next to his bed to take out the box.
"They're hidden?" Blaine asks.
"Absolutely. No one comes in my room, but if they did…" Kurt begins. "I like to keep my private things private."
Blaine nods and avoids telling him he knows this. He does laugh a little at Kurt's muscle magazines.
"They were a gift," Kurt says shortly.
"I guess you've got a type," Blaine replies, flexing a bicep. He half-heartedly pokes at the (admittedly small) muscle. Kurt smiles.
"I guess gorgeous counts as a type," Kurt replies, leaning over to give Blaine a kiss. Blaine smiles and blushes. It's Kurt's turn to blush as he pulls out the three books. Blaine opens the first one.
"I've never actually bought any books like this," Blaine admits. "I've mostly looked things up on the internet."
"I share a computer with my family. I didn't want anyone to know," Kurt replies.
"So do we have a plan for creating our plan?" Blaine asks.
"Um… I have post-it notes," Kurt begins. "We could take different colors and mark the pages we are… interested in."
"That's kind of intense," Blaine says. "Can you just… is there something you really want? Or don't want?"
"There are… yeah," Kurt says. They are both sitting next to each other on the floor. Blaine is sitting a little closer to Kurt than is probably necessary, leaning against him.
"Do I have to guess? We could play charades," Blaine suggests lightly, but Kurt doesn't laugh. "Sorry. Okay. Yes/no questions. Is this about something you don't want or something you do want?"
"That's not a yes/no question," Kurt says. "But it's mostly the first."
"Something you don't want… Is it, like, one thing or a lot of things?"
"I mean, there are a lot of things I don't want. One of the books has a chapter about bestiality-"
"Ew, really?" Blaine interrupts.
"Yeah. But it's mostly one thing," Kurt admits.
"Is there… are there several things you want to- to try, or is there a particular thing you-"
"Several things," Kurt says.
"So… if I can figure out what you don't want, we don't have to talk about everything else, do we?" Blaine asks.
"I guess not," Kurt replies.
"I mean, you'd tell me if I did something you didn't like, right?" Blaine asks.
"Yeah," Kurt says.
"You better. I would," Blaine says. "Promise me? You don't even have to say anything, if you don't want, you can just-"
"I'm not letting you get away with anything. Ever," Kurt says, and he lays his head on Blaine's shoulder. Blaine wraps an arm around his back.
"Good. So, what am I not getting away with?" he muses aloud. "Let's see… is there anything you're thinking of that you don't want to… go both ways?
"No," Kurt says softly.
"Is it… have I done it before?" Blaine asks softly. They haven't really had much of a discussion about this before, but they're both aware that Blaine has more experience than Kurt.
"I don't… I don't think so," Kurt says slowly. He tries to avoid thinking about Blaine's past relationships, and the conversations they've had have pretty much glossed over any sexual aspects. He knows Blaine had gotten handjobs from his ex (and given them as well), and there were a couple of blowjobs involved, but that's all he really knows. He doesn't really like thinking about it; jealousy isn't going to help anything.
"I told you everything there is to tell," Blaine replies quietly, cheeks turning red. Kurt doesn't really understand why. Blaine has told him that he doesn't regret it, that he really cared about Michael. Kurt doesn't understand why he's embarrassed, but he leans his chin over to rest his face against Blaine's chest.
"Oh, then no. Definitely no," Kurt replies. This has gotten a little ridiculous, so he hands Blaine a book. "It's, um… It's page 123."
Kurt closes his eyes and tries to relax as Blaine opens the book.
"Oh. Oh, yeah. Um. No, I wasn't really… I didn't plan-"
"I didn't think you did," Kurt interrupts softly.
"So… are we good, then?" Blaine asks.
"One more thing," Kurt says.
"Uh oh," Blaine teases.
"Dad and Carole are leaving Saturday afternoon. Can you stay over Saturday night?" Kurt asks.
"Gee, I don't know I'm going to have to check my schedule," Blaine says, but when Kurt smacks his chest, he laughs. "Absolutely, I'll come over. Isn't Finn going to be upset, though?"
"He already gave me his permission. Like I needed it," Kurt snorts. "But I've got things figured out. He won't be home when you come over. We should have at least three hours."
"How are you managing that?" Blaine asks. He slowly moves to the side, pulling away from Kurt. Kurt stops leaning against Blaine, disappointed for about ten seconds until Blaine shifts over to straddle his lap. There is mischief in his eyes, and Kurt looks to the side, coyly. Blaine knows exactly how to make him melt.
"I haven't actually managed it yet, but I've got a plan," Kurt reports. It's hard to concentrate with wet hot lips on his neck. It's almost languid, almost thoughtless the way the older boy's lips glide across his skin.
"Sneaky, sneaky," Blaine accuses, not bothering to move his mouth away from Kurt's throat. He nips just a little, and Kurt tilts his chin up to allow for better access.
"What, you wanted him to stay here?" Kurt teases.
"Definitely not," Blaine replies.
"Good," Kurt says resolutely, and the conversation is promptly abandoned.
xxx
That's one huge relief, but Kurt isn't quite done planning. When Blaine leaves, he has a phone call to make.
"Rachel Berry," he is greeted enthusiastically.
"Rachel? It's Kurt," he replies.
"Kurt! How are you? How is Dalton? I hope everything is wonderful!" she says.
"I'm fantastic, Dalton is fantastic, everything is fantastic," Kurt replies. For once, it's pretty much true. "How are you doing?"
"Alright, I guess, but there's so much going on at the end of the semester. I've got classes, preparation for summer theater, ballet, acting lessons, voice lessons… But I don't think you called to talk about that," Rachel says.
"You're right. Saturday night, after my parents leave, the community theater in Findlay is doing a production of 'Funny Girl.' I bought you and Finn tickets," Kurt says.
"Kurt! Oh, I knew I missed you for a reason. Are you and Blaine coming as well?" she asks.
"No, we're not. We've got other plans," Kurt says.
"More important than musical theater? They must be pretty big plans," Rachel replies.
"Oh, not really," Kurt says coyly.
"You know what Finn is going to think if the two of you are left alone," she says softly.
"It's none of his business," Kurt says adamantly.
"I know, I know," Rachel says.
"We're just cooking dinner together," Kurt says. They are planning to cook together; that much was true.
"Cooking, huh? Don't get burned," she advises. It should probably upset him, but she's soft and sweet and sincere, and there's absolutely nothing accusatory in her tone.
"I won't," he says.
"So how are you convincing Finn to go to the show?" she asks.
"He knows it's your favorite. He won't say no if you ask him," he replies.
"You don't want me to tell him you bought the tickets," she accuses.
"I was hoping you could avoid that. I was also hoping you could convince him to take you out to dinner, so you'll be gone longer," he replies.
"You are sneaky and underhanded, and I've missed you so incredibly much," Rachel tells him.
He laughs and is surprised to realize that he has missed her as well.
xxx
The last part of Kurt's plan is the worst, but it's pretty important. He has to drive to Findlay to pick up the theater tickets, anyway, so he decides to make a stop in town. As he drives up to the Walmart (oh god, he is in Walmart of all places, what has this world come to?), his hands shake a little on the steering wheel. When he steps out of the car, however, he is calm and collected. He is Kurt Hummel; he can handle this.
He avoids the produce; there is no way he is getting his fruit from Walmart. He does walk through the packaged foods and picks up some fruit leather for his father (because it is like the Slimjim version of fruit, he reasons). The prices on Garnier skincare floor him, and he shoves four bottles of moisturizer into his basket. Now he is in the 'personal care' section, and he has to face the facts.
He's not here for fruit leather or cheap moisturizer. There's still something he needs to buy. He's not entirely sure he needs lube for what they have planned, but it could certainly make things easier. He has done his research, of course, and he knows he needs something water-based. Flavored would probably be interesting, but he can't buy it here, he can't. He reads ingredients on a few bottles and picks what he wants before long.
He could save himself embarrassment and just go through the line now, but if he's going to need to buy them eventually, anyway…
Condoms.
It's probably no more embarrassing than what's already in his basket, but it's completely terrifying. Someone is going to know that he is going to have sex.
Someone else is standing by the display, so he wanders over to looks nearby. Horrifyingly enough, he finds himself looking at pregnancy tests. 'At least I don't have to worry about that,' he thinks, and he regains a little confidence. He looks over his sunglasses to see that the woman inspecting the condoms has moved on.
'Why on earth are there so many varieties?' is his first thought. There is lubricated, non-lubricated, spermicidally lubricated, lambskin, extra thin, extra large, colored, flavored, ribbed… Well, he certainly doesn't need anything labeled 'for her pleasure.' He finds something fairly basic and throws in a box. They don't expire until 2014, and he hopes he doesn't have to wait anywhere near that long to use them.
There is a self checkout, but the machines are annoying and they always wind up making him talk to a clerk anyway. There's a counter right next to the self checkout, and the man standing there is probably about the same age as Kurt's father. Kurt's not going to risk it. He decides to go through a checkout line. Instead of looking for the shortest line, he tries to find the cashier that seems the most sympathetic. He settles on a line with a young female clerk. She's probably in high school, and she shouldn't be too terribly shocked by his purchases.
He sets the items on the belt and waits for his turn to come. There is only one customer in front of him (a man who looks to be in his mid-twenties). It doesn't take long at all. His turn comes very shortly, and he's glad he elected to wear sunglasses today; it means he doesn't have to look her in the eyes.
"Did you find everything alright?" she asks.
"Yeah," he replies. She has already finished scanning his items. He pays with cash.
"Thank you, come again," she says.
Luckily, she has nothing else to say to him. He picks up his bag (reusable, of course) and heads to his car. The bag is placed in the passenger seat, and only when he has closed the driver's side door, does he breathe a sigh of relief.
