Chapter 4

We are both extra quiet on the way back to my room. Lost in thought, I stare at my bandaged hand and lightly touch my wrist. Steve interrupts my thoughts, "How are you doing?"

I shrug my shoulders. I'm really not sure how I'm doing. I feel tired, confused, scared. Apparently, now I can explode my thoughts or something. I really don't want to talk right now so I keep my response simple, "A lot has happened."

As if he could read my mind, "Your feelings must be all over the place after discovering that you can do that with your mind."

"Yeah, you can say that again, whatever 'that' is."

"Well, we'll talk more with Dr. Strange as soon as he has some answers, ok?" Steve reassures me, placing a hand on my shoulder.

I nod and return to looking at my hand.

"Jamie, about earlier. I heard what happened."

I don't want to think about this. I shift uncomfortably in the wheelchair.

"What was going on in your head? You were close to hurting yourself, real close, what happened?"

I let out a long sigh. "You all left to fight some 'guy' that I assume is the man who killed my family. What if all of you died too?" Tears begin to burn my eyes. "I can't lose anyone else."

Steve thinks about what I said for a moment before continuing, "So, you're afraid that we will all die like your family."

All I can muster is a simple nod to help maintain my composure.

"You're stuck with us. We already decided to make you part of this family," Steve reassures me.

"What does that even mean?" I demand feeling frustrated.

"Tony, Clint, Bruce, Nat and I are your guardians."

"My guardians, like foster parents?"

"Not exactly. Foster parents take care of you but the courts still have custody. We are guardians which means we take care of you and we have custody."

"Why did you do that?"

"We wanted to make sure you had a stable family. We didn't want you to have to move around to other foster homes."

"So, I have a mom and four dads?"

Steve chuckles, "Yeah, I guess you do."

"But I don't have any special powers, there's nothing special about me. I will never actually be part of this family." Rage builds inside. "Aren't you tired of this yet? Of me. Look at all of the problems I'm causing."

"Family is more than blood and it's definitely not about sharing a common job, it's based on love and support." Steve kneels next to the wheelchair and looks at me to see if his words are reaching me. "Jamie, we care about you and want to help you through this. That's family."

"Will you want me to leave when you catch the guy who killed my family?" I fret, afraid of the answer.

"No. You are my daughter now. That won't ever change."

I don't respond but I think Steve notices that I've calmed down. He pushes the wheelchair the rest of the way back to my room. I can't keep my eyes open any longer.

The next day, I wake up in my bed. Steve is sitting up on the cot reading the newspaper. He looks over at me and smiles, "Good morning or should I say good evening? It's almost six o'clock."

I respond with a simple "Hi."

"Are you hungry?"

I shake my head.

"Alright, maybe later."

For half a second when I first woke up, I felt normal again and then I remembered, my situation hit me like a ton of bricks. My family is dead, there's something wrong with my brain, and there's a killer on the loose. The sadness and fear are back.

I almost forgot. "What happened with the man in black? Did you catch him?"

Steve moves uncomfortably on the cot, "No, we didn't, but we haven't stopped trying."

"But you all went after him. Was he gone by the time you arrived, was anyone else dead?"

Steve changes the subject, "I'm going to contact the nurse so she can come check you out, make sure everything is ok." Steve quickly gets up and left the room.

Why won't he tell me what happened?

I don't cause more trouble. I wait in my room until the nurse comes, looking away while she changes my bandages. I don't want to be reminded about what happened. The nurse also wraps my hand so I can shower and helps me wash my hair. I look over at where the mirror used to hang then turn away quickly. I don't want to feel those things again. I'm so ashamed.

Steve returns shortly after the nurse left. "Hey, I brought you some dinner. Mashed potatoes and gravy, pork chops, and green beans."

I don't really feel hungry but I don't want to hurt him so I say, "Thanks," then quickly turn away, hiding my shame.

Steve moves to look directly at me. His gaze is uncomfortable so I quickly adjust to avoid his eyes. Undeterred, Steve places his hands on my shoulders and moves to look me in the eye, "Jamie, don't feel bad about all that stuff, it's ok, you've been through a lot."

I nod, quickly looking away.

Steve acquiesces for the moment, "Come eat."

My stomach starts to churn as soon as I sit down next to the plate sitting on my desk. "Maybe later, ok?"

Still conspiring, Steve presents another option, "I will let you off the hook for eating right now but you have to come with me to the game room."

Surprised, I respond, "What? Now?"

"Yeah, come on, let's go check it out."

We make our way down the hallway with the bedrooms and across the living room to the entertainment wing of the living quarters. This is so cool. There's an old school pinball machine, Skee-ball machines, video games, and "Air hockey!" I exclaim.

"Yeah, wanna play?" Steve asks, proud that he's found something that put a smile on my face.

"Sure!"

The puck pings around the table. Steve's holding back. I'm not sure if he's letting me win or if it's hard for him to control how strong he is. The score is 6 to 1. One more and… "Yeah, I win!" I shout as the puck glides into his goal.

Suddenly, I step back from the air hockey table, realizing that I was just having fun. I'm having fun but my family's dead.

Steve notices the immediate change. "What's going on?"

I shake my head and run back to my room, my tears already flowing. I hear Steve sigh as I'm leaving the room.

Steve gives me some time to be alone. I don't cry or scream. I don't think about hurting myself. I just sit, numb. How could I forget about them so quickly?

Steve coughs. I guess being right outside my door is kind of like letting me be alone.

I hear a knock at the door. I'm not sleeping but pretend to be, hoping that whoever is at my door will leave me alone. I hear another knock. Nope, they aren't leaving. "Come in," I respond flatly. It's Steve.

"How are you doing?"

"Fine," sadness and shame thick in this one word.

Steve sits down next to me on the bed. "What happened? It looked like you were having fun."

I sigh deciding to answer, "I was having fun but then I felt bad about having fun."

Understanding crosses Steve's face. "Do you think your mom and sister would want you to feel bad, to never have fun again?"

I shake my head. Steve wraps his arm around me for a side hug. His comfort and patience overwhelm me and I begin to cry, "I miss them so much."

"I know you do."

A few minutes later, Tony comes to the door, "Hey Steve, can I talk to you for a minute?"

Steve looks at me to see if I'm ok.

I nod.

Steve meets Tony in the doorway, "What's up?"

"He's back. The team's preparing to head out." Tony looks over at me. "Steve, you better stay here with her, we can't afford to lose this guy again."

I'm appalled. What did he mean by that?

Steve retorts, "She'll be fine here with Vision."

Tony sighs, "Banner is already planning to stay behind to finish up the tests from the site. She could hang out in the lab with him."

I've heard enough to know what happened. They left the field to deal with me. I went out to the hall to confront them, "I'm fine, you can all go. I won't do anything while you're gone."

Steve looks to the ground, he didn't want me to know about this, he didn't want me to feel guilty. Tony stares at me for a few seconds then turns to Steve, "It's your call, Cap."

"You're going to hang out with Bruce in the lab. Come on, I'll take you."

I hate that I don't have a say in anything right now but getting to go to the lab piques my interest, so I go without a fight.

The walk to Bruce's lab is oddly exciting because I haven't been on this side of the compound before. There are several labs with various set ups. Some look more like they are for working with metal, others look more like they have chemicals or gases. They all look state-of-the-art.

As soon as Steve opens the door, he calls, "Hey Bruce, mind if Jamie hangs out here with you while we're gone."

Bruce appears uncomfortable but agrees, "Yeah, sure."

Steve smiles to reassure me then strikes a firm tone, "Be good, if you need help, ask Bruce."

I nod.

Bruce awkwardly says, "Hi, you can have a seat at the desk."

"Ok," I say then make my way over to the desk.

Bruce returns to what he was working on before I arrived.

"What are you doing?" I ask curious but also bored of the limited view from the desk.

"Oh, uh, I'm analyzing soil samples to identify the elements and compounds in it. Most soil has carbon, iron, oxygen, things like that."

"That's cool. The lab's impressive." I praise as I look around the well-stocked shiny room.

"Do you like science?" Bruce asks feeling more in his element.

"Yeah, but I've only had one science class with labs so actually seeing it done, experiments, that's on a whole new level," I respond.

Smiling, Bruce agrees, "Yeah, it is."

"Can I look around?"

"Yeah, just don't touch anything over there," Bruce says while pointing to an active work area.

I get up and walk around the lab moving from one machine to another. "I know you're busy now, but will you show me how these machines work sometime?" I ask while checking out one of the machines.

Surprised, Bruce agrees, "Uh, yeah, absolutely."

After a while, I start to worry, "They've been gone a long time, do you think they're ok?"

"Yeah, they're fine," Bruce replies.

Unsure, I ask, "How do you know?"

"They haven't called a code green," Bruce calmly replies still engrossed in his work.

I look at Bruce waiting for more explanation.

"Uh, the team's in constant contact so if there's a problem, we know about it right away. And, if there's a problem, they call a code green, meaning, they need Hulk."

Understanding, "Oh, right." Thinking about Hulk, I inquire, "What does it feel like to change into the Hulk?"

Bruce appears uncomfortable with the question. "Sorry, you don't have to tell me." I redirect the conversation, "I would like to meet him someday."

Stunned, Bruce says with a slight chuckle, "You want to meet Hulk?"

"Yeah, he's green and crazy strong but he's still a part of you so my guess is he also has a good heart. I bet he's a big, fun, teddy bear," I explain.

"No one has ever described Hulk quite like that before," Bruce chuckles looking at me with a slight smile.

"I don't think most people understand him. Not that I do, but I think people see something different and freak. If people always freaked when I was around, I think I would smash some stuff too."

Bruce thinks about what I just said for a few moments then smiles, "Yeah, maybe you're right."

"I know I am. Think about it, is Hulk a danger to the team anymore? I imagine he was at one time but now you all work together. I bet the team doesn't look at him as a scary, dangerous beast anymore but as a friend and capable fighter who's on the same side."

Bruce smiles then returns to his work. I look around for a few more minutes but then sit back down at the desk.

More time goes by and despite Bruce's confidence, I'm worried. The image of the man in black standing over all of their dead bodies is burned in my mind. The panic is setting in again, and like a train, I can't stop it. I begin to shake, my arms wrapped around my chest trying to calm myself.

Bruce notices the change in me, "You alright?"

"I'm fine," I growl, my breathing heavy.

"Yeah, it sure sounds like you're fine," Bruce says sarcastically then returns to his work.

My heart starts to thump in excitement when I notice a glass test tube on the table as I think about using it to cut later. Checking to make sure Bruce is paying attention, I reach over, grab the tube and hide it in the front pocket of my hoodie. Bruce stops typing briefly but doesn't say anything so I don't think he noticed.

A few minutes later, Steve shows up at the lab. "Hi kiddo, we're back. How did it go?"

"Fine," I mumble still feeling agitated but relieved. I just want to go back to my room, fake a shower, and cut with the hidden test tube. That will take the edge off so I can sleep.

Bruce also responds to Steve's question, cleaning off his glasses as he speaks, "I think it went well, mostly. Jamie, do you want to talk about the test tube that you took?"

I glare at Bruce, shocked. I really didn't think he noticed. I cross my arms, preparing for a fight. "I don't know what you're talking about."

Bruce clarifies so I know that he saw what happened, "The test tube you took from the table while I was working on the computer. I was watching your reflection on the monitor."

Angry that I was caught, knowing that I won't be able to use it later, I declare, "I want to go back to my room now," and storm out of the lab.

Steve steps in front of me blocking me from going any further then attempts to look me in the eyes. I avoid making eye contact with him. "Jamie, you're stealing now?"

Infuriated, I yell, "Oh, like everything that was stolen from my room, right?!"

Steve responds, "That's for your protection."

I hold up the test tube gripped tightly in my fist, "For my self-preservation!"

Steve holds out his hand and waits for me to place the test tube in his hand. I hold on tight, returning to crossing my arms. I already know I've lost this one but I refuse to give up on principle.

Steve firmly says, "Jamie, you can either give it to me or I will have to take it from you."

I refuse to move, not willing to give up the object that promises to ease some of my pain.

Clearly wishing I would have given in, Steve sighs, "Ok, have it your way."

Immediately, I drop to the ground to make it harder for Steve to get the test tube. Bumped from my hand, the tube breaks as it hits the ground. Steve quickly grabs me while kneeling on one knee to prevent access to any of the shards of glass, I start to kick trying to get free. Bruce comes over quickly and holds my legs. I keep kicking and manage to free a leg and kick Bruce, hard. He fumbles back and begins to change into Hulk. I stop fighting and watch transfixed as the transformation happens right in front of me. Steve moves to a defensive position preparing to protect me from him.

As soon as Hulk sets his eyes upon me, growling in anger, I jump up. "Steve, don't," I yell then step in between them facing Hulk. "I'm sorry I kicked Bruce," I apologize hanging my head regretfully.

Hulk reaches over and touches my chin, "Hulk not mad, Hulk big teddy bear."

I smile then give Hulk a hug and proclaim, "I knew it!"

Steve is shocked and confused.

Hulk backs away and changes back into Bruce. I wait without watching to give him privacy. Bruce, slightly embarrassed, stands but remains on the other side of the hall, somewhat confused and worried I think. I apologize to him as well. "I'm sorry for kicking you and for taking the test tube."

Bruce opens his arms offering a hug which I accept. "It's hard right now, I get it, just ask for help, ok?"

I nod, unsure of how asking for help would be effective.

Steve walks me back to my room. Just before turning down the hallway of private rooms, Steve breaks the silence, "That was nice, how you handled Hulk. You weren't afraid of him at all were you?"

"No, why would I be?" I ask but I know what others think about Hulk so I add, "Hulk looks scary so people treat him as if he's a monster. I don't see a monster. Bruce and I were talking about him today. What occurred to me was that he is still part of Bruce, he still has Bruce's heart. I described Hulk as a 'big, fun, teddy bear', apparently Hulk was listening. He just needs others to be patient and get to know him before judging. If everyone thinks he's bad, his actions are likely to appear bad."

Steve stops walking, and comments, "That's quite profound and true. You should also be more understanding and patient with yourself."

I look down avoiding eye contact and start to walk again, hoping to end this unwelcomed twist in the conversation.