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thanks to my beta love, Nic. girl... you're a latenight saint. much love.


Leaving Carmen Vega's Friday night was a little like falling from heaven.

Slowly.

At first the surreal giddiness kept me floating. All I could think about was Edward's hands on my leg, how his hair smelled, how his body felt between my legs, how his lips wrapped around his cigarettes, how his tongue felt against mine.

Rose and I went back to Alice's and sat on her floor amidst pillows and blankets and talked until it was light. They wanted every detail of every second and I gave it to them, my own personal fairytale. From time to time I'd catch sight of myself the mirror behind her door; I'd never lost the dazed look in my eyes and my hair was still windswept from being whipped around on the beach.

But as Saturday turned into Sunday, reality began to set in and by Monday my stomach was a nervous tangle of knots.

He was going to ignore me. I knew it, inside. It wasn't something I could explain or qualify; it was simply a feeling.

Sometimes the fantasy is better than reality.


"So, what are you going to do?" Alice asked in homeroom Monday morning.

"I don't know but I'm pretty sure he won't talk to me." I pulled anxiously at the strings hanging from the bottom of my jeans. "He knows I'm into him now, so…whatever."

She shrugged. "All we can do is wait and see. He was kind of drunk, but…"

"Kind of?" I snorted. "How about completely?"

"He wasn't wasted and you know it," Alice sighed, shaking her head. "He remembers what happened, and if he tries to say he doesn't, then he's really freaking lame. I don't care how cute he is."

She was probably right, but it didn't make much of a difference, honestly.

I was at my locker later on when Jacob found me.

"Hey."

"Hey, Jake."

He fell into step with me as I walked toward English, even though – as usual –his class was in a different part of campus.

"So, it's Edward," he said finally.

I inhaled sharply, looking straight ahead. "If you say so."

"Come off it, Bella… everyone saw you on Friday." He made a face and ran his fingers through his hair.

The knot in my stomach tightened.

"What do you mean everyone?" I asked, looking sideways at him.

"Are you gonna admit it?" he asked.

I kept quiet. We got to the door of my AP English class and I paused, my books against my chest like they'd defend me from the sharp reality of everything.

"Yeah."

Jake moved to let someone pass and then leaned against the wall. "Emmett told me."

It occurred to me that this could very well be gossip fodder. I mean, how many people had been hanging out at Carmen's last weekend? The beach? A lot.

"This sucks. Sorry," I whispered.

"For what?" he asked, sounding annoyed.

I shrugged, feeling even more like a complete idiot.

"Bella… chill." He shoved his hands into his pockets and sighed, looking down the hall. "The only reason I'm even asking you any of this is because I want to know where your head's at. Like… your expectations."

Ah, right. It was crystal clear now. Jake knew Edward, knew his M.O. Maybe I should've been grateful Jake cared enough to ask at all but all I felt right about then was really empty.

"Thanks, Jake, but it's all good. Whatever happens, happens. I have no expectations from Edward." I turned on my heel and walked into the classroom, glancing back at him as the bell rang. "None."


Alice, Rose and I were dissecting Jake's comments when this sophomore Gianna Russo walked up to our lunch table.

She was popular with the boys, but I didn't think she was all that. I mean, she looked pissed all the time.

Her eyes bored into mine. "Bella?"

I glanced at the girls, a little anxious.

"Yes?"

Gianna smirked, folding her arms. "You know he only let you kiss him because he was drunk, right?"

My heart sank, not so much from what she was saying but that she was saying anything at all. Obviously people had been talking about it.

Not to mention, he had kissed me.

But I just shrugged. "So?"

"So, forget about him."

I hadn't seen it coming, but I supposed it wasn't surprising, either. No doubt boys like Edward had a few "girlfriends", silly chicks too vapid to understand they were nothing more than hook-ups.

At least I wasn't deluding myself. I'd already prepared myself for the worse.

"Why don't you forget about him?" Rose said, stiffening beside me. I put my hand on her thigh under the table, begging her silently to relax. I knew she was down to fight but I wasn't, not if I didn't have to.

And not for something as pathetic as this.

Gianna scowled at Rose before cutting her eyes back to me.

"He only did it because he we was drunk," she repeated, a little menacingly.

What a weirdo.

I forced a nice, fat, sardonic smile. "Then what are you worried about?"

"Not a damn thing, obviously."

She was gone as quickly as she'd appeared.

Alice chuckled nervously, squeezing my hand. "Are you okay?"

"Gianna's a psycho bitch," Rose huffed. "With her fake ass nails and her fake ass tan. Who does that anyway? We live in Florida."

"It's cool, whatever," I lied, taking a bite of my apple.

But Alice knew it wasn't. She didn't let go of my hand for the rest of lunch.

When the final bell rang, we walked down to our usual spot in front of school. It was still hurricane season and due to yet another tropical depression the heat and humidity were unbearable.

Alice had dance, and after my awkward chat with Jake earlier I wasn't sure I wanted more of the same on a ride home. Or that he would even offer. So the bus it was.

We leaned against the wall, discussing what Jake had said earlier.

"You don't think Jake was saying all that cuz he still likes you, do you?" Alice asked, picking at her peeling nail polish.

"Nah." I shook my head. "I mean, maybe he does still like me… I can't really tell… but Jake like, does his own thing. I saw him with some girl from Martin County one time at Carmen's."

"I'm just saying," she insisted.

"He's pretty to the point, Al. If that is what he's doing, well, then… he's a dick. But based on what I kind of already know… he's probably just warning me."

"Speak of the devil…"

Jake was walking across the lot with the new boy, some blonde hottie in his year. They went right for the silver car and the black Jeep.

I hadn't even seen them pull up.

Crap.

Instant nausea, and the heat wasn't helping.

Edward, Emmett and Tyler got out and leaned against their cars, yelling something to Jake as he approached. Even from where I stood I could see his smile, and it was so pretty it hurt.

I turned back to Alice, the sick feeling in my stomach doubling. "He's going to ignore me. I know it."

Rose appeared, bumping me with her hip. "What's up?"

"She's afraid Edward's going to act like nothing happened," Alice said.

Rose glanced over at the boys. "Well, then he's an ass. Don't freak out about it."

"Easy for you to say," I said, chewing my thumbnail down to the quick.

"I know," she sighed. "You got chapstick?"

I nodded, reaching into the front pocket of my backpack.

She held her hand out, ducking her head. "He's looking."

Don't look. Don't look.

I slowly turned my face just enough to confirm that Edward was in fact looking in our direction, and he was.

He gazed back for a beat and then said something to Jake, angling away.

I wanted to puke. To cry. To be mad. To kiss him again.

And then, because Edward's rejection wasn't enough, Gianna Bitchface Russo flounced by, her dress-code-inappropriate skirt flipping in the faint breeze.

"Oh no. I can't watch," I moaned. But I did watch. She strutted right over to Edward, who was now sitting on the trunk of his car, and wriggled her body between his legs.

"Give me a freaking break," Rose said.

My view was blocked by a noxious, loud, yellow thing. I'd never in my life been so happy to see a school bus.

"You sure you don't want a ride, babe?" Alice asked.

"Naw, it's cool. No ballet Friday, right?"

"Right."

"Cool. I'll ride with you then."

I hugged my friends and boarded the bus, hating the stupid burning in my eyes.

I knew, right? I knew how these things went down. And still, even though I thought I'd braced myself for the let-down, it hurt.

Sliding into an empty seat near the back, I pulled my iPod out and stuck headphones into my ears.

I looked out the window as we pulled away.

Jake was watching me, his expression unreadable. He gave a small wave, like he knew I'd look sooner or later.

After a moment, I waved back.


Wednesday evening found me with my phone glued to my ear, on my front porch, discussing with Rose the epic lameness of Mrs. Cope, the principal, whose sole mission in life was to enforce dress code.

Jake pulled up in front of my house. My heart skipped, but it was like, second hand –skipping because of who Jake was friends with.

"Hey, Jake's here. Lemme call you back."

"It's cool. I have a bunch of reading for English anyway."

We disconnected and I stood, leaning on the wrought iron gate that framed our porch.

"Hey, stranger," I teased, opening the latch.

"Ha, don't start. You know I've had practice," Jake smirked. "So you know I'm not the one running off as soon as school ends."

Shrugging, I plopped back onto the step, patting the place next to me.

"So what –you don't take rides no more?"

"Anymore," I corrected, sticking my tongue out. "And sure, I still take rides, to those that offer."

"True," he conceded. "So you're not mad?"

"About the other day?" I shook my head, hating he'd thought that. "No way. I know you were just looking out for me."

He nodded, looking out at the street. The days were starting to get shorter now, and streetlights began blinking on.

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "So… Edward's with Gianna Russo now?"

Jake snorted, leaning back. "Not exactly."

"But…then, why—"

"They're not together. They've never been together."

"That's not what it looked like."

"Yeah well, looks are deceiving. Besides, Gianna's a butterface."

"What's that?"

"Everything's fine but her face," he said, grinning.

"That's so mean," I laughed, loving it.

He shrugged. "Just saying."

We fell into a comfortable silence.

"So, is that why you stopped by? To check up on me? You could have called, you know," I said, holding up my phone.

He looked back at me. "I was on my way home from practice –"

"This late?"

He grinned.

I sniffed his shirt.

"Nope. I have my methods," he said.

"Like what?"

"Like taking off my shirt when I smoke, Bella," he laughed. "Anyway, it's been a minute since we hung out so… you know."

"I know… thanks for coming, Jake," I said, bumping my shoulder to his, glad things were cool between us.

He bumped back and then got to his feet. "Anyway, I gotta go. My mom called a couple of minutes ago, telling me to get my ass home."

I jumped up too. " 'kay. See you tomorrow."

"You taking the bus or you want a ride?" he called, pausing before getting into his car.

"You got practice?"

"Always."

"Yeah, okay. I'll tell my mom."

He drove away, the bass from his music lingering long after his car had disappeared.

"Bella?" My mom stood in the doorway. "Coming in anytime soon?"

"Yep." I closed the gate and followed her inside, to where it was cozy and gold and smelled like chicken pot pie.


By late Thursday the tropical depression that was brewing out at sea had turned into an actual storm.

It wasn't major by any means, but the weather was crappy enough to warrant a half day Friday so that students could get home before the real wind and rain hit later that night.

Rose had gotten weed off Eric Yorkie so she wanted to have a hurricane party with me and Al, and maybe Jess and Lauren. In terms of shenanigans, her house was the way to go. Alice's mom was the most accommodating – and Eleazar gave us rides sometimes – but Rose's parents were the most lenient so depending on what we were doing we planned accordingly.

"Mom?"

She turned from the stove, where she was stirring something.

"C'mere, taste this," she urged, holding the spoon out.

I took it and sipped gingerly, wincing from the heat.

"Sorry, it's hot," she said, frowning as she adding some sort of spice.

"I noticed," I said, licking my bottom lip. "Um, it's good. Needs…"

"Cumin, right? I knew it."

"I guess."

I stood beside her for a minute, watching the trees blow fitfully outside the window.

"Mom."

"Hmm?"

"Is it cool if I stay at Rose's tomorrow night? We have a half day…"

"There's a storm tomorrow, Bella," she said, as if I didn't know.

"I know. We're gonna have a sleepover."

She shook her head. "I don't think that's the best idea. You should be home in case anything happens."

"Mom," I groaned, trying not to whine and failing. "It's not even a hurricane – "

"Yet."

I rolled my eyes. She picked the most inconvenient times to get parental.

"I know you're not rolling your eyes at me."

"Well, I think you're being unreasonable," I mumbled.

"Bella, you're at Alice's or Rose's every weekend. Would it be so bad to spend one Friday night here with me and Dad? We can do breakfast for dinner… I'll make crepes."

I could see this was a lost battle.

"C'mon… you loved breakfast for dinner when you were little," she coaxed, tugging on my hair.

Exactly. When I was little. "I know…"

I knew she just missed me, that she missed being together. She'd gone from seeing me before, during and after school every day for three years to hardly seeing me at all.

"Fine. But can I go over on Saturday?" I asked, relenting.

"As long as things have calmed down, I don't see why not."

Now she was using the Calm Teacher voice. I loathed it.

"Awesome," I said dryly, shuffling back out of the kitchen to call Rose.

She answered right away. "Hey."

"I can't go. My mom's all freaking out over the stupid storm."

"Yeah, I don't think Alice can come either."

"Why not?"

"Eleazar got a bad progress report or something…"

"So Alice has to stay home?" I asked, confused.

"Or something, I don't know. Whatever. Call her."

"Yeah, I will. I can come on Saturday though," I said, secretly glad Al couldn't go either. I hated missing out.


Wind whipped through the palm trees in the parking lot, making them shift and sway. I loved storm weather, especially when it got us out of school.

"You wanna go to the beach?" Jake asked, slipping his backpack onto his shoulders. "Everyone's heading out there right now."

I didn't bother asking who "everyone" entailed; I already knew.

Besides, there was something forbidden and exciting about going to the beach when a storm was coming. The water was going to be insane.

"Yeah, I'm down." I grabbed a hold of Alice. "You want to come with?"

"Can't," she said. "I promised my mom I'd be early today. But I'll see you at Rose's tomorrow."

"Okay."

Rose could come though, so we followed Jake down to his car and climbed into the backseat. The new boy was there again, the blond. His name was Jasper and he was an army brat, apparently.

The beach wasn't far, and within five minutes we were pulling into the sandy parking lot of one of the smaller beaches on Hutchinson Island. I recognized Emmett's jeep amongst the others already there.

The wind was a lot crazier than it had been at school. I quickly tied my hair back into a loose bun, securing it with a knot.

It had been a week since the kiss, and for once I wasn't looking forward to seeing Edward Cullen. I mean, on one hand, every cell in my body yearned for him. But on the other, I did have some semblance of self preservation. Having him ignore me over and over was going to hurt and I didn't know if I was strong enough to handle it.

Rose linked her arm through mine. I looked up at her and she smiled, shaking her head softly.

She knew me, knew my faces. I was so glad she'd come with me.

Jensen Beach didn't have the biggest waves, but on the right days it did have some steady, decent swells. Storms brought out all of the diehard surfers, from the old locals to the high school hotshots. There were a bunch of them out there today. I wondered which one Edward was.

Jasper eased down on to the sand beside me.

"Where's Jake?"

"Went back to the car to roll a joint," he said, squinting in the afternoon sun.

"You going in?" I teased, nodding toward the water.

He smiled. "Not too much surfing where I'm from."

"I thought you were from all over," Rose said, kicking off her flip flips and wiggling her toes in the sand.

"Yeah, I am." He picked up a handful of sand and let his sift through his fingers. "Nowhere like this though. I was in Texas before I came here, way inland."

I nodded, stuffing my socks into my sneakers.

Jake showed up, already puffing away. He handed Jasper the joint and sat. "You guys want any?"

I glanced at Rose. "No, I'm okay."

Rose looked like she was seriously considering it.

"Tomorrow!" I hissed, pinching her arm.

Jake shrugged and looked out on to the water, laughing suddenly. "Ah, what an asshole!"

I tried to see what he saw. "What? Who?"

"Emmett completely wiped out. That had to hurt."

Sure enough, Emmett trudged out of the water a minute later and collapsed on to the wet sand. Two other guys came out right after, one of them kicking water onto Emmett before walking over to us.

Edward.

I turned to Rose. "Talk to me," I whispered, my heart thundering than the waves on the shore.

She bent her head toward me and started talking about some guy's boner during Spanish class. She had me giggling in seconds with her foul language and facial expressions.

"Hey Bella." Tyler stood in front of me, smoking Jake's joint.

"Hi, Tyler," I said, looking up at him. He looked a lot different in the daylight, sober and bright.

I made sure not to look too far left. I could see Edward in my peripheral, dripping wet and shirtless, squatting beside Jake.

He made me as nervous as he ever had except it was even worse now because he totally knew. He didn't acknowledge me so I didn't acknowledge him and after awhile it became a little easier to pretend I didn't care.

Eventually he picked up someone's skim board and began coasting up and down the shore, very obviously showing off. A tiny part of me wanted him to fall on his ass but of course he never did. Instead I just watched him be perfect, the muscles in his stomach and back shifting and tensing with his movements.

My heart was fickle bitch, betraying me over and over again.


This was it, the moment of truth.

Rose, Alice, Jessica and I sat in a little circle on Rose's floor.

After trying – and failing – to follow the YouTube video's directions on how to roll a joint we opted for the little glass pipe Jessica had borrowed from her older sister. Well, more like stole… but Shay was in college and would never know.

I was super nervous. What if I tripped the hell out? What if I got paranoid? I'd heard stories. What if Rose's parents knocked on the door?

"Okay, so…" Rose picked up the lighter and the pipe, "I guess we'll just smoke this and if we want more we'll just pack it again."

She tried to light up but nothing happened, except for the nugget looking a little singed on top.

Frowning, she looked at the rest of us.

"Did you plug this thing?" Jessica asked, pointing to the hole on the side of the pipe. "I think you have to plug it and then let go."

"Oh, okay."

This time Rose's face turned purple as she coughed. She handed the pipe to Alice, who then gave it to Jess, who then gave it to me. I watched everyone's reactions, not wanting to look too spazzed even though they kind of did already.

"We can refill it," Rose wheezed, now laying flat on the floor.

I took as big a hit as I could handle, immediately feeling the burn deep inside my lungs.

At first I felt a little weird, but then it mellowed out into a slow warmth.

It didn't take long for the giggling to start. Alice said something about sucking so hard, which made me laugh, and then it was over. We were all over the place after that, making runs to the kitchen for munchies and smoking more once the high began to wear off.

"We should call the boys," Alice suggested, her normally expressive eyes now silly little half moons.

"What boys? The boys?" I asked, trying on a pair of Rose's toe socks.

"Yeah. You think Jasper's with them?" she asked.

I looked up, forgetting the socks. "You like him?"

She grinned, all dreamy and slow. "I think he's hot. He smiled at me during lunch once."

"Shut. Up," Rose said, reaching for her phone. "Bella, call Jake."

"You call Jake."

"You guys are friends, he'll come if you call," she insisted, tossing me the phone.

"I thought the whole point of this was to smoke without anyone seeing how dumb we looked," I said, throwing it back at her.

"Maybe we can go to Sonic," Jessica moaned from somewhere on the bed. "Oh my God, their fries…"

Suddenly Rose handed me her phone, again. "Jake's on. Ask him."

I snatched it up, glaring at her. "Jake?"

"Bella? What's up?"

"Nothing. We're just chillin'. What are you up to?"

"Chillin'. Where are you?"

"Rose's house."

"Okay…" he trailed off.

Alice inched closer, motioning for me to continue. For a second I forgot what they wanted me to say but then I remembered.

"Um, Jake."

"Um Bella."

"Can you come for us?"

"… I guess. We're not really doing anything right now."

"We smoked," I blurted out.

"No shit," he chuckled. "Well, give us about fifteen minutes. You wanna meet us downstairs? It's kinda late to be ringing the doorbell…"

Crap! We'd have to sneak out. I hadn't thought about that.

"Yeah, okay."

"He said in fifteen minutes," I said, hanging up. "But we have to meet them outside."

The phone rang. I jumped, picking it up immediately. "Hello?"

"Bella, it's me again. Doesn't Rose live in a gated community?"

Thankfully, Rose's house wasn't too far from the front gate. We slipped out of her house and walked along the sidewalk, trying to keep it down. It was hard though. Everything was funny.

"So where're we going?" Jake asked once we'd stuffed ourselves into the backseat.

Emmett, who was sitting shotgun, had offered Rose his lap but she turned him down. Either she was paranoid or she didn't want him knowing the effect he had on her.

"Sonic," Jessica said.

"I could go for that," Emmett agreed. "Tell Edward to meet us there instead."

Wonderful.

So much for secret stony times.

Jake turned his music up so loud by butt was vibrating. With every breath I took the music tickled along by back and to my fingertips. I wasn't just feeling it, I was feeling it.

Way too soon we parked up at Sonic, settling into one of the little drive-in spaces.

A minute later a loud horn blared at us from the space next door. Edward and Tyler got out and walked over, hanging in the window. "You guys getting food for real?"

"Yeah, why not," Jake said, turning to us. "What do you guys want?"

Edward's eyes flickered to me but I looked away before he could. Even through the hazy sweetness the anxiety threatened to seep through and I pushed it down, not wanting to think about that just then.

Jessica began rambling her order, stopping only to let Jake repeat it back to the speaker. I tapped Alice's leg.

"I gotta pee," I said. "Come with me?"

She nodded and opened the door. We crossed the lot and went inside, trying not to look so glaringly high beneath the bright neon lights. I felt like everyone who saw us knew for sure.

When we got back the carhop was already delivering our food.

"That was fast," I said, sliding back into my spot.

"You were gone for awhile," Rose said.

"No we weren't…"

"Whatever, get in. Let's go," Emmett said, clapping his hand against the side of the car.

"To where?"

"Anywhere but here."

"Helpful, Emmett," Jake laughed.

Edward stuck his head inside Jake's window again. "We can go to the garage, but we have to be quiet."

"Cool."

Edward nodded and got back into car. We followed him onto US-1 and drove back toward Jensen.

"What garage?" Alice asked, yawning.

"It's an apartment above my garage. No one's living in it, so we go there to smoke sometimes," Emmett answered.

"But…" – my mind was racing through all sorts of scenarios –"are your parents in the house?"

"Yeah, but they're asleep."

"We have to be really quiet," Jake reiterated.

It didn't take long to get to there. Jake parked on the curb and we filed out silently after him and Emmett. Edward led the way, up the stairs alongside the garage. I lagged behind, really hoping that I wouldn't be too loopy in front of these people.

Or that Edward would continue being a dick in front of these people.

Ugh.

I got to the top of the stairs and slid past Emmett, who locked the door behind us.

"They used to rent it out, but it's been awhile," he explained, dropping his keys on the counter.

My high was wearing off. I knew we'd probably smoke again, but for now I was clear headed and a little surprised at where we'd ended up.

Edward took a sandwich bag full of weed from his pocket and tossed it to Emmett. "Roll a fatty."

Rose sat next to him. "I just want to watch. For educational purposes."

"Whatever's clever, Blondie."

He finished in record time and for the second time that night I found myself sitting in a circle, ready to partake in the sweet, sweet cheeba.

Edward's stuff was so much better than whatever Yorkie had given us. It smelled and tasted divine. I was set after one good pull. I nearly choked, coughing my lungs out.

"Yeah, that was a good one," Emmett said approvingly, hitting me on the back. "Ain't a toke if ya don't choke."

I was good. Better than good; I was great.

Until Edward sat down right next to me, slow motion perfection. "Want a shotgun?"

"What's that?"

He stuck what was left of the joint into his mouth –but backwards—leaned really close to me and blew a stream of smoke right into my open mouth.

"Thanks," I whispered, smoke wisping from my lips like words I couldn't say.


thank you for each and every review. i can't even begin to express how surprised and happy i am people like this. :)

songs:

You're a Jerk - New Boyz

I Got 5 On It - the Luniz

Brown Sugar - D'Angelo

Kaya - Bob Marley