His day had begun on a sour note.
He'd awoken this morning to find his mate lying in their bed with her back to him. But he knew she was awake. A sadness he had never felt from her radiated from her back and he knew he was the cause of it; he knew that his words had hurt her more than anything probably ever did and he was sorry for it and felt incredible guilt. But being Sesshomaru, he never once showed it. He was always a man of few words so when he slipped deeply into his thoughts and pondered upon their argument, no one questioned him or worried or wondered. They were used to seeing him that way, so he did not have to be anxious about people speculating as to why he was so quiet and assuming that he must be dwelling on some problem he and his mate were having.
Sesshomaru was a private person and he didn't want his personal life to be scrutinized.
This wasn't his foremost concern however, what really mattered to him at the moment was his relationship with Mayuri and the problem – maybe even problems – they were facing at this point in their relationship, the hurt he had caused the woman he loved and why he felt the need to say such harsh words.
He had promised never to hurt her and yet he had. In one of the most painful of ways and he had no idea why. He knew he was stressed, he knew he was frustrated, he knew that his relationship was suffering and yet he did something that obviously would have and did in fact make the situation worst. The stress and frustration he felt were no excuse for what he said and he knew it. Those words should never have left his mouth and if he could he would have taken them back, everything he said to her that day he would have taken back because in retrospect, he could see that he was being very unreasonable and even selfish.
Instead of holding her and comforting her and reassuring her that everything would be alright and they would get through this, he hurt her with what might as well have been a slap in the face. Much in the same way she had slapped him.
But Mayuri had hurt him as well.
How did she think he felt every time she denied him? Sesshomaru was a man of great pride and to be rejected like that was something that he did not like or took well. Before her rejection had only fueled his need to have her, his desire to me her his, but not that she was his it had the opposite effect. It made him feel like she was no longer attracted to him, like she no longer wanted him or felt satisfied by him. It was why he had said she no longer had a reason to reject him; he wanted her to tell him why and give him a reason why she was acting the way she was. Now that he knew why she continued to deny him he did not feel so hurt but the feeling was still there.
She had good reason to threaten to leave him but those words had cut deep, hurt him just as much as his words had hurt her. He loved her so much that just the thought of her leaving him and thus ending their ten year relationship made his chest tighten and his heart ache.
What was the sense of him working so hard to bring peace to his lands once again if the eight reasons he was doing it were no longer there for him to protect? He knew she was lonely and missed him greatly but he was working so hard because he wanted his family to be safe. If she was gone, if they were gone, he would have no more reason to do this. He would have no more reason actually live life; he would simply exist without a purpose like he had in those years between the death of Naraku and his meeting her. He couldn't go back to that, he didn't want to.
Of course he could always find another mate but that was not what he wanted. The only mate he wanted was Mayuri. She was the only woman for him. He wanted and would have no other.
When they were arguing, instead of listening to what it was that Mayuri was saying to him all he was focusing on was how sexy she looked when she was angry. Instead of being there for his mate he was angry with her because she wouldn't lie with him.
Despite this, he felt like his anger was misdirected and was coming from a completely different place. He wasn't angry because she wouldn't lie with him; he was lonely. He was angry because he missed his mate and he wanted to spend time with her, something that was so rare these days. Thinking about it now he realised he should have just tried to spend time with her and the children and not try to sleep with her. It was that simple. His sexual frustration had gotten the best of him that day and it should not have.
He had been trying to get rid of his loneliness the wrong way. He saw that now.
That explained his anger, but there still wasn't an explanation for his words. Why did he even think them? Far less say them. The more he thought about it and the more he delved into his feelings it began to dawn on him. Deep down, he really did want to have a mistress. As much as he did not want to hurt Mayuri, he knew that it was what he wanted; a substitute for his mate until he was able to have that time to spend with her. He wanted a solution for his loneliness and an outlet for his sexual frustrations and that was what a mistress was.
Before, he and Mayuri had no problems when it came to sex; their sex life was better than they could have ever hoped for. Even after they had their first few children. They were like two lusty rabbits and could not keep their hands off of each other and they were adventurous and it was never boring. That was how they showed their love and affection and passion for each other, though Mayuri was far more of a romantic and more sentimental but she got that he was not like that and did not try to force him to. They had a lot of sex. In fact it was far more than sex; they had intimacy.
And now it was all but gone.
He missed that. Craved it even. Though he knew he could not have that same intimacy and connection with a mistress, knew it would only be sex and nothing more, he still wanted that. He still desired it and as he thought about it his promise to Mayuri played over and over and over again in his mind. The conviction he had said it with and the feeling he felt when he had and his thoughts about how no matter what happened he would never ever break that promise.
And he felt awful for even thinking of doing just that.
Not only would he be breaking his promise to Mayuri he would be breaking a promise he made to himself; never to become his father. By having a mistress he would be doing just that and it angered him that he would be so weak, that he would do the one thing he swore never to do and would hate himself most for. He did not want to be his father's son. He did not want to make the same mistakes. He did not want his relationship to become his parents'. That was not the plan he had for himself or his children. For his family. That could not happen. His life would not turn out that way.
As many reasons as he gave himself not to do it, he found himself coming up with reasons to do.
Since she was always home and he was always at the camp, she would never know. It wasn't like his soldiers would say anything to her. That was what men did; they kept secrets for each other, even when it came to infidelity. And if she didn't know, he wouldn't be hurting her and therefore, he would not be doing what his father had done to his mother; his relationship would not end because of this. He would get what he wanted; release and no emotional pain what so ever being inflicted upon Mayuri because of him. He would not be breaking his promise. As soon as things settled down in his lands and he could be with his mate, he would no longer need his mistress and could simply toss her aside. After all he would not love her; he couldn't since he loved Mayuri. It would mean nothing at all to him on an emotional level. There would not be any risk there either.
Sesshomaru now had a choice to make; to have a mistress or not to have a mistress. And he had no idea, which one he wanted more.
