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Part IV
Bilbo runs as fast as he can, managing to get to Thorin when the tower is completely surrounded. So, his warning is kinda late. A Scary Orc bonks him over the head with a massive mace for his trouble and Bilbo gets to see a real disturbing dream where Lobelia is stealing his silver spoons and strip-dancing on his table, while everyone is fighting.
Thorin is also horrified by Fili's death, but he still thinks his plan is the best idea ever; although, he's pretty much loosing because the Big Orc kicks him down the stairs into an ice ring and orders that big orc army dangling around to flail him alive.
Legolas: Me to the rescue!
Sil admits that Leggy gets to do the absolute best acrobatic tricks in every movie as he flies a bat up a tower and shoots orcs from it, saving Thorin's hide.
Bat: #% #%
Not everyone is a great fighter like Legolas. In fact, some lose out in usefulness even in comparison to a pile of goo. Alfrid is running away, jiggling an enviable cleavage.
Random troll that spots Alfrid: PINATA! XD
Bard shoots the troll.
Alfrid: No gratitude for you!
He runs off to be a pest in the nearest town that's a hundred kilometres away, much to everyone's relief.
Everything now is really sucky because the scary orc stabs Kili dead. Legolas jumps a hundred meters off a tower like his neck is unbreakable and makes some troll bash it down, so he can use it as a bridge to get to the scary orc since the later had crossed Kili off the kill list and is trying to make Tauriel dead as well.
While the scary orc is teaching Legolas how to defy gravity, Thorin is teaching the big orc how to make ice smoothies.
Thorin: That's right, if you use a huge rock to bash the ice around you in a circle, you'll get the best punch.
The Great Eagles appear, wearing these cool shady sunglasses with the hard rock playing in the background. They drop a huge Bear on top of the second orc army, which they mutually begin to obliterate. The good guys are suddenly winning.
Beorn: All right! Fresh meat!
Big Orc: wth! I'm so not sharing my smoothie with the eagles!
Thorin: heh heh Here, have all the drink you want! He tosses the rock at the big orc who catches it very helpfully and with that tips the ice-floe. He ninjas his way underneath the ice and stabs Thorin in the toe. They have a very dramatic stand off with the weapons crossed.
Big Orc: You tried to steal my smoothie!
Thorin: I did more than that. I lied about the smoothie recipe!
Big Orc: NOOOOOO!
They stab each other. Thorin does is better, sticking the sword not only through the big orc's body, but also through the ice where a random fish gets poked in the tail and shakes its fin at them.
The Big Orc dies. Thorin stumbles to the edge of the frozen cliff and looks below where the dwarves have reclaimed Erebor and the orc armies are getting whipped by the eagles. So, he figures it's a good time to die.
Bilbo comes out of the big mace-hit-head coma and finds Thorin. Bilbo crawls to him because he slips on the ice and lands on his butt.
Bilbo: Hey wait, you can't die! You haven't broken ALL my plates yet!
Thorin: Oh noes! Before we left, I forgot to turn off the stove. D:
Bilbo: Don't worry, we'll use your share of the treasure to pay off the gas bills.
Thorin: And light.
Bilbo: No!
Thorin: And water.
Bilbo: I hope we have enough treasure for all of that.
Thorin dies.
PJ: Ok, sad moment. Everyone cries.
Audience: Sob. Sob.
Thranduil is desperately searching the ruins: Oh mah Gawd! Where's my son?
Legolas: Dad, you don't have to check the trash urns. :(
Thranduil: Who said I'm checking anything? I'm just having a casual stroll.
Legolas: And I was just going to leave my homeland because I don't want to talk to you.
Thranduil: Oh, you're going to the neighbours to play? Go play with Strider. He's father was good enough for me to mention.
Legolas: Who's that?
Thranduil: I'll only give you five of his names out of eleven. The rest you'll figure out yourself.
Legolas: Fine. Say hi to mom for me if her hallucination visits you.
The hallucination doesn't visit Thranduil, but he does get a case of deja vu when he finds Tauriel who is uncontrollably sobbing over Kili's dead body. The elves share a sad face moment.
For them both in the background the lyrics are playing:
It must have been Loooove,
But, it's over now.
Bilbo is preparing to sneak out of Erebor and go home.
Bilbo: I hope I don't find Lobelia at my house.
Gandalf: I duno about Lobelia, but there are dwarves stalking you.
Bilbo: I don't know what to say. I guess by the next year I'll somehow manage to replenish all the food you've eaten.
Dwarves: Don't worry, we'll be there to eat it again.
Gandalf: Ok, hugs and we go home.
It takes three movies for them to walk to Erebor and one second to get back. Wow, the road really does go faster when you're getting back.
Bilbo: Whelp, thanks for taking a few hundred miles detour from your destination to walk me and the ring home, I mean just me and no ring, the ring I've lost waaay back when, absolutely no ring here.
Gandalf: Don't worry, I'll come check on you and your absolutely no ring once every sixty years.
They say goodbyes and Bilbo at last runs home where Lobelia sure as sure is stealing his silverware. They play a tug of war and Bilbo wins his spoons back.
Bilbo: At least she's not on the table.
All the Hobbits: Who's that crazy guy fighting with Lobelia?
They all know who he is, but the villagers are very disappointed since now they can't get freebie stuff.
Auctioneer: You need some signed paper to prove who you are or we'll lock you up in a basement with cabbages for stealing the identity of the dead guy.
Bilbo: I'm the burglar! Err... I mean here is a piece of paper that proves who I am. Now, get off my lawn and quit ransacking my house!
He shuts the door and teleports to the future where Frodo already exists.
Gandalf: Here and once again, say hello to your very old friends.
The End.
Whelp, that's all folks! Raise your hands in the air and say 'Aye!' if you have enjoyed the story! XD
