Chapter 4: Living By Dying

Santana's eyes crack open. Her head is pounding and her eyelids feel like they're protesting. Slowly, but surely, Santana's mind begins to register things. For one, she's on the couch. Santana blinks, trying to clear her vision. She tries to remember how she got there in the first place but her head's really pounding, so she stops. A voice startles her out of her sleepy haze and her eyes shoot open.

"Hey, it's good to see you're awake." Caleb's face swim to clarity and suddenly, everything comes back to her. Lunch, sweater, room, closet, picture. Oh God, picture. Quinn, who is behind Caleb sees the color drain from Santana's face and she rushes forward to cup her friend's face. Brown eyes are looking at her but Quinn knows that she doesn't see her. She knew that she's on her way back to her own personal hell.

"No, Santana. San, look at me." She whispers, soft but firm. Caleb moves to drop a hand on her shoulder, shaking her slightly. Santana doesn't respond. The screams are starting. She has to go back. She has to—

"Santana Lopez. Look. At. Me." And the screams stop. She closes her eyes, forcing herself to go back to reality, forcing herself to remember where she should be. When she opens her eyes again, Quinn is staring right back at her and she sighs in relief. Quinn lets go of her face and sits beside her.

"Hi." Santana says weakly. Judging from the recently dried tear tracts on Quinn's face and the way Caleb is hovering beside her as if waiting for something to happen, she knows that it's really bad this time. Noticing that someone is absent from the party, dread fills her. "Brittany?"

"She went home about half an hour ago." Caleb answers, his voice tight and controlled.

"Did she – Was she here when - …" This time, Quinn nods and Santana puts her face in her hands.

"We told her everything." Too tired to be in shock, the only indication that Santana heard was when her shoulders sag.

"I should apologize." She mutters. Brittany, innocent, happy Brittany does not deserve to be burdened.

"No, you need to get some help."

"Professional help." Caleb adds to Quinn's statement. This time, Santana processes her fear for anger. She stands up, abruptly.

"No."

"Santana…" Quinn says, wary of the brunette's reaction. Santana is shaking her head, her fists clenched.

"No."

"You know you're not getting any better, Santana." Caleb's voice did not waver even when Santana glared at him. He stands up, ready to fight.

"I don't need anyone."

"Fuck that. You need to live a life. And that's why you need to get help."

"If you haven't noticed, Librea, I have a life. A goddamned shit of a life. I function, don't I? I'm breathing, I can process whatever shit comes out of your mouth, and I'm still the best lawyer in this town." Santana spats out coldly. Caleb takes a step forward, ignoring the way Santana snarls warning him to back off.

"Oh I noticed. I also noticed that you scream and thrash and cry like a baby over a fucking picture." Caleb is pinning her with a glare. He's not mocking her, Santana realizes. He's angry. Angry that he can't do anything. Angry that she won't do anything. But hell, he doesn't understand.

"Fuck you." She grinds out through her teeth. "You don't understand."

"I'm not a psychic Santana. And I didn't lose my family in a fire. Of fucking course, I don't understand. But what I do understand, Lopez, is that you can't live your entire life like this. If you don't want to do it for yourself, then do it for Quinn. For me. For Brittany." Caleb states, voice hard at first and then softens when Santana looks away from him.

"What does she have to do with this? She barely knows me. I barely know her. I don't even know her birthday!" Santana exclaims, exasperated.

"May 17." Santana gaps at him and he shrugs his shoulders. "Company throws a party for important staff."

"Are you two done spewing out profanities at each other?" Caleb and Santana jumps at Quinn's voice, forgetting she was there in the first place. Her arms are crossed and she is glaring at them with an intensity that would have killed a person.

"I still think she needs to get help." Santana only glares at him as she follows his lead to take a sit on either side of Quinn.

"Shut up." She says. To an outsider, the trio looked like someone just died in front of them. Finally, Quinn sighs.

"Santana, Caleb's right. No, both of you shut the hell up." She adds as Santana opens her mouth to protest and Caleb open's his to rub it in her face. Their jaws snap shut at hearing Quinn say something so close to a swear.

"Caleb, what you said a while ago was way out of line." She turns to Santana. "And you, we may not understand. But please understand our position here. It's not easy to watch you ruin your life, Santana. It's not easy to wake up hours after you did and knowing that you had a bad night while I slept with my head in the freaking clouds."

"Then what do you propose I do? I'm not going to some shrink's office." Quinn sighs.

"At least spend some time with Brittany."

"What does she have to do with this?" She repeats her previous question.

"She wants to help Santana. When we told her your circumstances, she looked like she was gonna cry. Let her help." Quinn says. She notices the way Santana grimaced and instantly knew that there was more to this than her classic "I don't need anyone" excuse. "Why won't you let her?" Santana remains quiet.

"Santana? Tell us." Quinn says and Santana knows that she isn't about to give up so she sighs, her eyes turning from hard to downcast.

"Can't you see her, Q? She's happy. I can't do that to her." Quinn's eyes soften.

"And?" She prompts.

"I can't hurt her. I can't make her miserable." There, she said it. Caleb snickers.

"Oh, so you do care about her. Geez Lopez, it's only been less than a week and you've got your ass smitten." It was an effort to try and lighten the mood but all he receives is a slap to the back of his head from Quinn and death glare from Santana.

"Seriously though. You're lighter around her. Spending some time with her will probably do you good." Caleb amends.

"But I barely know her!" Santana says, exasperated.

"Then get to know her!" Quinn retaliates. "She wants to help Santana. Maybe her life is the exact opposite of yours. But maybe that's why you have to let her help. You have to find out why you're still alive instead of moping around wishing you were dead." Santana rubs the bridge of her nose. She doesn't want to this. Brittany deserves better. She doesn't deserve her.

"Santana, it's either a psychiatrist or Brittany. For now, that is." Santana grimaces knowing that the argument regarding her being forced to a shrink's office isn't over yet. She slumps back to the couch, closing her eyes.

"Ugh, fine, ruin Blondie's life it is."

"Hey!" Quinn protests.

"Other Blondie, Q."

"I know, I'm just happy you finally agreed to something."

"You forced me to agree to something." Santana deadpans and Caleb laughs. Santana turns to him. "You laugh way too much."

"And you don't laugh. So I'm making up for it."

Santana wonders why she was so cursed that she actually thinks that he makes sense.


"Good morning, honey. How'd you sleep last night?" Mrs. Pierce greets her eldest with a smile. Brittany is walking down the stairs, taking at least fifteen seconds with each step.

"Mmm. Great." It's Monday and Brittany spent half of her weekend catching up with her family. It was fun and relaxing – a nice change from all the days of work she'd been having. During the day, she spent most of her time telling her family stories about her work and the city. In the night, Brittany would think about Santana, wondering if she was sleeping or if she's dreaming bad dreams again. Miles away from the buzz of the city and in the dead of the night, Brittany had whispered a quiet 'good night' to Santana with the silent hope for sweet dreams to visit her.

"Breakfast is on the table. We already ate. Your father had to leave early for work and Annie has classes. They told me to tell you they love you though before they left." Mrs. Pierce gestures to the plate of bacon and eggs (Brittany's favorite) on the table beside her where she was reading the entertainment side of the newspaper.

"Thanks, Mom." Mrs. Pierce only smiles to her daughter returning to her newspaper. They sit in comfortable silence, each soaking up with the familiarity of the feeling of safety and all things family.

Family.

It was the one thing that Santana didn't have. In all honesty, Brittany admires her for having gotten this far. For her, it hurt when she had to leave her family to follow her dream and she could only imagine and know that she's nowhere close to the pain Santana must be feeling to continue to live in a world where her only family was in the comfort of her friends.

Mrs. Pierce feels the atmosphere shift from content to melancholy. She sneaks a glance and sees her daughter in deep thought. She waits for to open up. It's always been like this with Brittany. She thanks the motherly instincts inside her that enabled her to impart to her that they can talk about anything under the sun.

"Mom?" Mrs. Pierce smiles inside.

"Yes?"

"What did it feel like when you lost granny?" Brittany is looking at her like she's trying to understand something. Mrs. Pierce sighs, the ghost of the pain clenching her heart slightly. She was young when it her mom was taken away from her. And even until now, she missed her.

"Why do you ask, Britt?" Brittany suddenly turns bashful as if she doesn't know either.

"Well, I want to help a friend of mine. She's kind of alone. But I don't know how to help her when I don't even have an idea of what she's going through." Mrs. Pierce smiles softly at her daughter.

"When your grandmother died, it hurt so bad that I often cried myself to sleep. At first, I was in denial. I didn't want to accept that I had lost my mother. And then, I met your dad. Yes, sometimes I still feel sad and I miss her so much that I feel like crying again. But your dad was always there. He would sit with me and pull me in his arms and we wouldn't say anything until I fall asleep. When I wake up, I feel happier, light. As if someone carried half of my sadness away from my shoulders. Your dad did that for me." Mrs. Pierce fiddles with the ring on her finger.

"Was it hard?"

"It was really hard, honey. But it becomes easier when you have somebody who's eager to catch you when you fall." Brittany's face lights up in understanding, but a sad smile is adorning her features and her eyes are lit with doubt.

"I – I don't know if I can do what dad did." Mrs. Pierce reaches for her daughter's hand, squeezing it.

"I know you can. But you have to be strong for this friend of yours. And you have to want, to need to help this person. It's going to be hard for you and for her. But you just have to think that you don't want your friend to be alone and you have to tell her that so she knows that you're there for her, no matter what."

"I do want to help her! She's so broken and alone, Mom. It hurt to see how she was after one of her nightmares. I don't even know how she can live like that. I can't even imagine being without you guys." Tears are building in the corner of her eyes and Mrs. Pierce scoots closer to comb her hand through Brittany's blonde hair.

"Be strong, dear. You may not know how it feels like. Her friends may not know either. But she needs friends right now more than ever. She needs someone like you." Brittany smiles a little. "You know, I'd like to meet this friend of yours. What was her name again?"

"Santana."

"Well, I'd like to meet Santana who got my girl to be so big and mature." Brittany blushes and Mrs. Pierce chuckles. "Maybe you can bring her over the next time you visit. She's more than welcome to stay here if ever."

"Thanks, Mom. For everything. I love you."

"I love you too."

As Brittany says her goodbyes to her mom and gives promises of coming back soon, she hugs her mom a little tighter.


Santana doesn't know what the hell she's doing at Brittany's doorstep at 10 o' clock in the evening. But her she was, waiting like her life depended on it. Caleb had told her that Brittany was due back tonight from her family. For some reason, Santana suddenly decided to jump in a cab and go to the address she forced out of Caleb.

And Santana's still wondering why she decided to do so.

When a cab comes to a stop in front of her and she gets a glimpse of blue eyes and blonde hair, Santana's heart starts to pound against her chest. But she momentarily forgets her nervousness when Brittany spots her and instantly her face lights up with a smile. Santana raises her hand in a lame attempt of a wave and feels her face return the smile. It's weak but Santana's already thanking her stars just because it was there.

"Hey." Brittany says and without a second thought, she drops her duffel bag and hugs Santana like they've known each other since they were in their mothers' womb. The brunette tenses but after a few seconds of hesitation, she returns the hug, awkwardly placing her arms around the blonde's waist.

"Hi." Santana says as soon as they let go. "I'm sorry I'm here at this time." Brittany moves past her, inserting the key and opening her door.

"No, it's okay! You wanna come inside?" She steps aside to make room for Santana.

"Thank you." Santana says, quietly.

"Just make yourself at home. I'll just go shower and change." Brittany says but before she could move towards the stairs, Santana stops her.

"Wait." She says. Brittany looks at her, confused.

"Yeah?"

"I'm sorry." Santana's staring hard at her shoes before she gathers up the courage to look straight into Brittany's eyes. Santana feels the guilt well up inside her. She's so innocent. She remembers why this was a bad idea. She remembers why she shouldn't drag this beautiful blonde standing, her head cocked to the side, and being simply adorable with the shit she can't handle. Her fists clench beside her. She wasn't insane yet. She's perfectly aware that Brittany deserves better.

"What for?" Brittany watches Santana fumble for words and emotions flash in dark, brown, guarded eyes. The desire to know the Latina better overwhelms her.

"For last time. When I freaked out. I'm sorry, I really didn't mean to ruin your day like that. I can make it up to you. Would you like to have lunch with me on Friday? Quinn and Caleb are going somewhere on a date and I really don't like eating lunch alone. I promise I'll try hard not to scare you away." Santana doesn't know where the invite comes from. It wasn't part of the plan and her cheeks flare and she looks back down to her shoes. She hears Brittany laugh lightly and the familiar ease spreads through Santana like wild fire. Suddenly, she's in Brittany's arms again and she can't help but close her eyes and lean in to her comfort and think that she's never been happy about anyone being so touchy-feely.

"It's okay, silly! I was really worried about you though. Are you okay?" Brittany says against her ear.

"I've been better." Santana whispers her reply. It's been so damn long since someone held her like this. Quinn and Caleb's hugs were desperate but comforting all the same. Brittany's hug was different. It's everything Santana had yearned for. She doesn't dwell on the fact that the only thing she knows about this girl is her birthday, her love for ducks, and that she's an amazing dancer. For the first time in a very long time, she feels safe.

Santana almost whimpers when Brittany pulls away.

"I'd love to go to lunch with you on Friday. Do you want to stay? I'll make as both hot cocoa after I shower." Brittany's smiling softly at her.

"Sure." Santana says.

After Brittany left her to do her stuff, Santana instinctively moves to the couch. Now that she was able to spit out what she'd been dying to say all day, adrenaline left her and the exhaustion of the day is suddenly catching up with her. She sighs in relief as soon as her back hits the comfort of the couch.

And then she's terrified all over again.

Minutes later, Santana's eyes are dropping on their own accord and she's too tired to fight it off. Santana curses her life just before she surrenders to the pull of unconsciousness.


Brittany has never showered this fast in her entire life. She's dry and clean in fifteen minutes and she had unpacked all her stuff in another ten. Coming back to her second home with Santana on her doorstep was a definite way to make her day. She knew it was weird to keep on hugging someone who was barely a friend, but Santana had looked so uncertain and weak on her doorstep that she just had to do it. And then a while ago, she had looked like she was hurting herself and she seemed so alone that she was back in her arms before she could comprehend what she was doing. Brittany had been moving purely on instinct and she doesn't regret it.

But beside the happy feelings, she felt a little sad. The way Santana had leaned in to her only told her that she was lonely. She wanted to hold on a little longer but she was worried that Santana might think it's weird. Regardless, Brittany knows that she'd do it again without a second thought.

"Santana? Sorry I took so long, do you want a sandwich or anything? I can -…" Brittany stops short as she enters the living room. She tiptoes over to the sleeping Latina, smiling gently at the peaceful look on her face. She looked like nothing was wrong.

Brittany drops on the floor beside the couch, content on watching Santana sleep. She sees everything good in Santana. Her body is accentuated in all the right places. And right now, while she's sleeping, she looks like an angel to Brittany. But she couldn't care less if she was the ugliest person in the whole world. The walls the Latina had built around her heart and the guarded look in her eyes didn't matter to Brittany. Santana is lonely. And all Brittany wants to be in this very moment, is to make Santana trust in the knowledge that she's not going anywhere.

Minutes later, she watches her eyebrows scrunch up and worry fills Brittany. She waits. She thinks and hopes that maybe she's just frowning at something in her dream. But when Santana pales slightly, Brittany knows better.

She reaches out to Santana, caressing her face. She uses her other hand to comb through dark hair and feels relief when Santana relaxes slowly.

"You're not alone." Brittany whispers against her ear, wishing that somehow, it will help. And it does. The tension in her face leaves. And the skin beneath Brittany's palm regains its normal temperature. It takes a while and a few more repetition of the statement and Santana's back to looking peaceful. Brittany hopes with everything she has that Santana's away from the clutches of her fears.

She grabs her phone in her pocket and sends out a quick message to Quinn telling her that Santana was with her and that she might have to pick her up. Her phone buzzes almost as soon as she sends the message. Quinn'll be here in thirty minutes.

Brittany watches Santana again and this time she sees what life did to her. Brittany looks at the bags under Santana's eyes and the exhaustion obvious on her face. She trails her finger over Santana's thin arm and her eyes rake her frail body. She feels her heart clench at the pure sorrow and agony manifested by her body. She doesn't know Santana. But she does know that Santana's not too bad a person to deserve such a life.

Brittany hooks her pinky against Santana and revels in the feeling of being a perfect fit.

"You'll never be alone again. I'll always be here. I promise."


Quinn bursts through Brittany's front door, a little over thirty minutes later. She'd knocked three times and when there was still no answer, she worries her ass off, thinking something must have happened.

Nothing could have ever prepared her for the sight that greeted her.

Santana was fast asleep on the couch, looking like she was dreaming something good for a change. On the floor beside her, her head on her arms and her pinky holding Santana's, Brittany was asleep looking just as peaceful.


A/N: I'm sorry for all the mistakes in this chapter, I really didn't have time to edit this. But please, tell me what you think? Also, thank you for all your reviews. :) Same to those who favorited and put this story on alert. I love you guys.

Brittana is perfect,

theangel1710