Well this is the end. Act four. I read through it as much as I could so hopefully the final one will be spelling-error free!
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Disclaimer: I do not own this story, or the characters.
The Matchbreaker, act four
Kammy's house, 8th Jackson street, Toad Town.
Kammy, a very old, very crazy woman, is sitting in her chair intently watching tv, and eating potato chips. Her cook, who is very worried out Birdo, Kammy's great niece, who was supposed to have arrived with Yoshi an hour ago.
Cook: You don't think anything happened to the poor girl do you?
Kammy: No...
Cook: How can you be so sure?
Kammy: Oh my dear, you'll have to realize... I would never let anything happen to you.
Cook: What? Not me! Birdo!
Kammy: Who?
Cook: Your great niece!
Kammy: Oh yes, her! Now I remember... Story of my life. (sniffs her smelling salts) I remember long ago when Birdo was just a little egg. I remember how delighted I was when she hacthed.
Cook: I'm sure you were
Kammy: Yes, and Bowser was over joyed at the fact of having a niece, he never had a child of his own you know. But I detest Bowser and anyone who stands in the way of young lovers. Yoshi, and Birdo were meant to be together! COOK! I heard a car! Quick check out the window.
Cook checks out the window, but doesn't see anything.
Cook: Now ma'am, I didn't see anything.
Kammy: Just as I suspected. It's my imagination. Everything in life is like that, imagination, illusion. Our plans, our hopes, our dreams. What becomes of them (dramatically throws her head over the back of the chair) Nothing. Story of my life.
Cook: But Bowser was sending someone with her right?
Kammy: Well you know, two can go astray as easily as... looks frantically for her smelling salts. COOK! Where did my smelling salts go!
Cook: Ma'am, they're right there in your hand.
Kammy (looking at Cook accusingly): How did they get there... I won't inquire. Stranger things have happened. Just like that one time with the camera the needle and the peanut butter. Story of my life.
Cook: Kammy! I hear a car pulling up now!
Cook rushed over to the window, but is met by a surprise.
Cook: AAAAAAA!
Wario, who is drunk, crashes the cab through Kammy's living room, and sending the cook flying through the room, and crashes into Kammy's tv.
Kammy: Cook? Why are you laying on my tv?
Cook (scared out of her mind): A car just crashed through your house!
Kammy turns around slowly, and sees Toad and Wario sitting in the car, which is in the middle of her living room.: Oh how lovely. Cook invite them in.
Cook stumbles up and opens the car door for Wario and Toad.
Toad (with horribly slurred words): Thank you, milady!
Wario (also slurred words): Come on you two into the pretty lady's house.
Wario pulls two people out of the car, but it's not who it's supposed to be. It's Mario and Luigi.
Luigi: I'm telling you, we're not who you think we are!
Mario: Yes, we have no business being here!
Toad (stumbling to Kammy): Begging your pardon ma'am, but are you... (focuses on the paper) Ms. Van Huysen?
Kammy: No. I'm Kammy
Toad: That's what I said
Kammy: No you said... Ms. Van Huysen, do you want me to start calling you Malachi?
Toad: Who's that?
Kammy: Exactly... (sighs) Story of my life!
Toad: Well anyway, Bowser wrote this note for you. (searches his pockets, but finds nothing) OH NO! I lost the note!
Kammy: Pssst! It's in your hand!
Toad: Oh yes, thank you. Here you are ma'am.
Toad hands Kammy the note, then sits comfortably on her couch. Taking off his muddy boots.
Kammy reading the note aloud: Dear hideous hag (Kammy). This is Biro and her feansee, Yoshi. I want you to keep them at your house until I get there. Oh and this time lets try not to involve the needle, the peanut butter and the camera like last time (laughs) Story of my life . . . Your pal, Bowser. So you two must be Birdo and Yoshi.
She gets up and drags Mario and Luigi to her chair.
Kammy (to Mario): You must be horribly cold in your wet clothes. Here I'll go get a nice hot bath ready for you.
Mario: Uh... I don't need a bath. I took one on Saturday
Toad: Ewww!
Mario: Really, I don't want to take a bath. I. . . I always catch cold.
Kammy: Oh you won't catch a cold, I'll slap you all over!
Kammy exits into the bathroom.
Mario: Great going Luigi. This is all your fault.
Luigi: My fault?!?! How is it my fault.
Mario: Let me direct your attention to act one "Come on Mario let's go on an adventure." If you would have just sat in the shop, none of this would have happened!
Luigi: But you've got to admit, it sure is fun!
Mario: FUN! I'm dressed up like a girl, and now I gotta take a bath and get slapped all over, and who knows what else . . .
Kammy walks in
Kammy: Birdo! I'm getting your bath ready.
Kammy drags Mario and Luigi to the couch, and accidently sits on Toad.
Toad: Mmmmamfmm!
Kammy: What was that Birdo?
Mario: You're sitting on Toad.
Kammy: Who?
Luigi: The drunk!
Kammy hops up and sees Toad
Kammy: YOU! I want you and that drunken cabman to wait in my hallway. Cook! Take them
Cook walks around the couch and tries to get Toad off the couch and in to the hallway, which fails, so instead she takes his boots.
Toad: Hey!
Cook (almost barfing from the smell of it all): No, you don't get them back 'till you go in the hall.
Cook leads Toad and Wario to the hall, and offers Toad his boots. Toad, thinking it is a wonderful gift offers them back to her, she pushes them back, as he offers them again and the is repeated.
Kammy: Birdo, Yoshi. I know that you two will be married by next week.
Mario: Um, I'd rather not.
Kammy: Oh, don't tell me your uncle has got into your head.
Toad finally takes his 'gift'
Toad: Thank you ma'am, I shall be waiting for you in the hallway.
Toad winks, blows the cook a kiss, then walks into the hallway followed by Wario.
Luigi: You're taking that fact that there are two drunken men in your house quite well.
Mario: Yah, and the car in your living room.
Kammy: Oh, don't bother about that now! Cook! I want you to make a nice banana bread for Yoshi here, while I finish Birdo's bath
Suddenly a boot comes flying from the hallway and hits Cook in the back of the head.
Toad: I'm still waiting my love.
Cook: (sigh) Okay, ma'am I'll be in the kitchen.
Cook exits into the kitchen.
Now, come on Birdo. You're bath is nearly ready.
Mario: Luigi!
Luigi: Mario!
Kammy: Birdo! Yoshi!
Toad (from the hallway): Toad!
Kammy is about to drag Mario into the bathroom when suddenly the door bell rings.
Kammy spinning around, and scared out of her mind: WHAT'S THAT! Oh it's just the door bell I suspect it's your uncle.
Luigi and Mario exchange worried looks.
Kammy: Cook! Answer the door! Birdo, you come with me. Luigi you go into the kitchen
Kammy leads Mario into the bathroom as Luigi walks into to the kitchen, as Cook walks from the kitchen to the front door. She opens it to see Yoshi and Birdo.
Cook: Hello? Um...Who, may I ask, are you?
Yoshi: I am Yoshi, and this is my fiancé, Birdo.
Cook: But that's impossible! Oh come in anyway, it's starting to rain.
Yoshi and Birdo walk past Toad and Wario who are leaned up against the wall drinking themselves silly.
Cook: So you're Birdo?
Birdo: Yes, I am
Cook: And he's Yoshi?
Yoshi: Yes I am.
Cook: And your Bowser's niece?
Birdo: Yes.
Cook: Not possible! I'll tell Kammy who you think you are, but she's not gonna like it.
Cook proceeds into the bathroom.
Yoshi: Now, Birdo. You'll be safe here. I had best go before Bowser sees me.
Birdo (bursting into tears): Oh! Yoshi! You can't leave me here, not with all these drunken men in the hall!
Yoshi: You'll be fine, Kammy will watch after you.
Yoshi heads for the exit.
Birdo: Yoshi, you can't leave!
Toad and Wario, who have suddenly blocked Yoshi from escaping: mocking Birdo: Yoshi, you can't leave!
Birdo grabs Yoshi and pulls him away from the door.
Birdo: See?
Yoshi: But what if Kammy sees me?
Birdo: Kammy's crazy, I think we can convince her you are Luigi!
Yoshi: Luigi? Who's Luigi?
Birdo: Oh he's some guy that works with uncle.
Kammy walks from the bathroom.
Kammy: Hello... um who are you?
Birdo: Don't you remember me Kammy? It's me Birdo!
Kammy: Impossible! Birdo arrived here not to long ago. She came with the man she's in love with, Yoshi.
Yoshi & Birdo: Yoshi!
Kammy: Yes, Yoshi. Now who, may I ask, are you?
She gestures to Yoshi
Yoshi: I'm uh... Luigi?
Birdo: Yes, Kammy this is Luigi.
Kammy: Well would you like a nice hot bath?
Yoshi: No
Kammy: Not you, Birdo.
Birdo: Yes, very much.
Kammy: Well when Birdo gets out you can go in.
Luigi enters from the kitchen.
Birdo: Luig—
Luigi: Shhh I'll explain everything.
Kammy: Ah! Yoshi, I'd like you to meet Luigi. (looking to Yoshi) Luigi, I'd like you to meet Yoshi (looks to Luigi )
Yoshi: Look, Kammy. I can tell you that he is not Yoshi
Luigu: Look, Kammy. I can tell you that he is not Luigi.
Kammy: Ha ha ha! You two are funny.
Suddenly the door bell rings again. Kammy is frozen in utter fear, and Cook enters from the kitchen.
Cook: It's just the door bell again.
Kammy: Well answer it!
Cook walks past Toad and Wario and answers the door, letting in Peach, Daisy. Toadette is outside spinning in circles in the rain puddles.
Toadette: I'm singin' in the rain! Just singin' in the rain! What a glorious feeling, I'm happy again!
Daisy: Toadette! Get over here!
Cook: Um...
Peach barges past the cook, steps on Wario, and enters the living room.
Peach: Kammy, my dear. Why are two drunken men in your hallway.
Kammy totally care free: Oh I don't know, Bowser sent them to me.
Peach notices Luigi: Why, Luigi, we keep running into each other in the strangest places.
Kammy: Oh Peach don't be silly, that's Yoshi.
Peach: Yoshi? No that's Yoshi (points to Yoshi)
Kammy: No, that's Luigi.
Daisy (from the hallway): Toadette! Don't encourage them.
Suddenly the sound of breaking glass is heard, followed by a roaring laugh from Toad, Toadette, and Wario.
Cook runs out into the living room, then into the kitchen.
Daisy drags Toadette into the living, who is giggling ferociously, into the living room, and sits her in one of Kammy's chairs.
Daisy: Hello, Kammy. Toadette here has gone a bit tipsy. Would you happen to make some coffee, good and black?
Kammy: COOK! Coffee good and black!
Kammy: By the way, where's Bowser?
Peach: Oh he's outside trying to pay for the cab without any money.
Peach: Daisy, you paid the bill at the restaurant. You must have tons of money.
Daisy: Oh, this is his own purse he lost. I can't give it back without seeming...
Peach: Here give me the wallet, you take some money to pay for the cab. I'll give him his wallet later.
Daisy opens the wallet upside down and spill money everywhere.
Toadette (with a squeal of delight): Oooo! Money, money, money, money, money.
Daisy gathers her change, then walks out the door, avoiding Toad and Wario.
Daisy: I'll take care of that Bowser!
Daisy rushes out the door.
A few moments later Bowser enters Kammy's house.
Toad: Hello Bowser!
Wario: Two blue coins Bowser!
Bowser: YOU! BOTH OF YOU! YOU'RE FIRED! (He turns to Yoshi, and Luigi) AND YOU TWO, I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!
Kammy slaps Bowser upside the head with a golfclub.
Kammy: You do not just barge into my house and order everyone about! Now shake hands with both them!
Bowser turns to Luigi and smiles fakely.
Bowser: Don't regard this as a hand shake.
He turns to Yoshi.
Bowser: I never want to see you again.
Suddenly Toadette falls out of her chair, then screams
Toadette (impossibly loud): OW!
Toad (from the hallway): Ow!
Daisy: Is that coffee ready yet? I know three people that could really use it.
Kammy: Yes, everyone let's go into the kitchen. I'm sure Cook has the banana bread ready and the coffee is probably almost done.
Everyone except, Bowser and Peach exit into the kitchen.
Peach: Bowser. . . I got some good news.
Bowser: What?
Peach: I found your wallet.
Bowser: my lord! You're a wonderful woman! I don't know what I'd ever do without you.
Peach: Well, I know that you can't keep your house clean. You also manage things very badly. . .
Bowser: You're ruining the moment.
Peach: Well, anyway. I just think you could use someone extra in your life.
Bowser (gazing into her eyes): I think I already know who it is.
They kiss for an ungodly amount of time.
Mario enters from the bathroom, and sees them kissing.
He walks over.
Mario: Uh... excuse me!
Bowser and Peach move apart.
Bowser: What are you doing!
Mario: Sorry, I didn't know anyone was in here.
Bowser: Didn't know anyone was in here? Idiot!
Suddenly a loud noise is heard from the kitchen.
Cook: Toad put that down!
Daisy: He doesn't know what he's doing! RUN!
Everyone bursts out of the kitchen, screaming, except Toadette who is still giggling.
A laugh is heard from Toad, another loud noise is heard from the kitchen then Toad walks out with a smile on his face.
Bowser: Oh no, did he get into the cameras, needles, and peanut butter.
Kammy: He sure did.
Mario: Anyway! Bowser and Peach have got great news!
Bowser: Yes, Peach has consented—
Peach: Finally consented.
Bowser: Yes, finally consented to be my wife.
Kammy: That's extravagant!
One by one everyone leaves the house, and returns to their normal lives. Bowser and Peach lived together quite happily. Birdo and Yoshi, were finally married and had a great honeymoon out on Isle Delfino. Daisy and Luigi also were married a few years down the road. Toad and Toadette both ran off together, and were never heard of again. Kammy finally fixed the giant whole in her living room, and everyone lived tolerably ever after!
THE END
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Well this is the end... The Matchmaker was the first play I was ever in. I played Malachi. Our cast did an incredible job, we had a lovable Barnaby, great Minnie, and possibly the best Ms. Van Huysen this world has ever seen! Of course everyone else was also brilliant. I shan't forget you any time soon!
With all due respect,
J. R. Willaims, better know as Malachi
