The Way I Love You 4: One Step Closer
The first thing Amu wanted to say was something she'd heard- well, okay, she read the Japanese subtitles!- on many movies: "It wasn't what it looked like". But, really, what had that even looked like to Ami? How do you make sense of a grown man lying in your sister's bed with his hands on her necklace at eleven years old?
Amu wasn't sure she wanted to know. She nodded in response to her sister's question.
Ami swallowed and looked at her half eaten breakfast, then back at her sister. "Why is he there?"
"I don't know."
Ami looked skeptical. Who wouldn't? "Well figure it out and handle it before Papa sees him. If you get caught, my life is over." Selfishness was almost Ami's signature, but her point was legitimate. If their father caught that man in her sister's bed that she'd met when she was Ami's age, he would send both of his daughters to an all girl's school somewhere and relocate the entire family so they could all stay close.
If it wasn't her life, Amu would have laughed at how almost comical it all seemed. Reality being what it was, she responded simply, "Hai."
The girls fell into silence.
"Well, don't you have something to do now?" Ami prodded.
Amu scowled. "I thought you were the one with plans for the day."
Ami sighed at the sixteen year old and rose from her seat. "Fine. Our fight is officially over. Go handle your issue." The bossy little girl finished off her piece of toast as she cleared her spot at the table. She called loudly to the house, "I'm leaving, bye!"
Amu didn't move. She had a lot of thinking to do. The girl sighed and shifted irritably in her seat. Why was he here? Why did he pick this of all times to show up? Just as she had given up the idea of trying to be in love with Tadase. Just as she was trying to work out in her mind what it was she was still expecting of Ikuto... The sound of paper in her pocket interrupted Amu's mini-tantrum.
She pulled it out and unfolded it. It was a letter and it wasn't in her handwriting or any of her relatives'. It had to be Ikuto's. Her stomach flipped and curiosity got the better of her as Amu sat at the table reading. Just as she was beginning to read through it a second time, Amu heard her father sniffle. She looked up with a bit of panic in her eyes and he missed it.
"What are you reading, my little Sparrow?"
"Oh, just a letter..."
"A letter... from who, Amu?"
"A friend. It came yesterday." That wasn't a lie. It was around 10PM yesterday that Ikuto had arrived in the Hinamori house.
"That's great. People should send letters more," Papa said and nodded, agreeing with himself. "It keeps the postal companies alive and workers employed." He continued on that way for a moment before he noticed something. "Where's Ami?"
"Oh, uh, I think she went to meet with some of her friends," Amu said hastily. She was sure Ami was meeting Hikaru, but she didn't know who else would be there. Hopefully, no one would ask her.
Midori interjected, "Ah! That's right! Ami's in that club Amu did in elementary school... the guardians, was it?"
"That's right."
Amu cleared her spot at the table, explaining that she, too, had things to take care of today. Like homework, and maybe meeting some friends...
Halfway up the stairs, Amu stopped.
Ikuto's in there, she thought to herself. How do I face him? And then she thought back to his letter. After all she'd read she knew he'd read her letter. She wanted him to know how she really felt now... but she wasn't quite sure. In her heart, she knew she knew, but in her gut in was as though she were afraid to admit to herself that it was real. At last, she made a decision. I want to see him. I'll sort the rest out when I see him.
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall?
But watching you stand alone,
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow.
One step closer
When she opened the door, Amu heard her bed creak. Her poor springs had endured so much! From 18 year old Ikuto, to sleepovers with the guardian girls, to sleepovers with Utau, to this now 21 year old Ikuto... who has apparently been catching up on the last three years of some of Amu's favorite shoujo manga. Some things never change. Thankfully, the fact that Amu didn't have a lock on her bedroom door was not among those.
"What a mess," Amu grumbled, locking her door. She began collecting the piles of manga Ikuto had completed and returning them to their shelves.
The boy grinned at her, though all she could see over the his reading material were his eyes. She huffed as she felt her irritation dissipating and kicked her bed.
"You're going to hurt yourself if you keep that up, Amu." His voice had a depth to it that she didn't remember. It couldn't have just been a recollection problem.
It was time. So much of it had passed.
I have died everyday waiting for you
Different people have different vices. Some drink when they get nervous. Some read fanfiction. Some write poetry or read novels. Ikuto read manga.
When he was away, he chose things that looked like Amu might have read them. When he was with Amu he read the ones on her shelves... or he read her diary. Today he was trying to behave. Ikuto read Amu's manga until he heard her return, at which point he stared at the page he'd been reading until he thought Amu was looking away. Then he stared at her. He wanted to know. She had to have read his letter by now. She'd taken it with her hadn't she? He'd seen her.
Amu stole a glance at Ikuto as she continued putting books away and flushed rather quickly. She'd kicked the bed, he'd said what he'd said, and now it was her turn to address him. For the first time in three years, Amu was going to address the person whose existence had the greatest impact on her ability to develop romantic relationships. She shelved the last book from the pile and let her hands linger on the book case.
"Ikuto," she called for his attention while staring deeply into the grains of wood. He made an unintelligible listening noise in response. She proceeded, knowing he was listening. "Ikuto are you serious?" She looked at him now and he could see the turmoil in her eyes. It wasn't splayed across her face as it would have been before. No, now, she was learning to control her features... even if her heart was as wild as always. "I mean you haven't talked to me in years. You haven't even seen me... have you? How long have you been back?"
She waited. She expected an answer and Ikuto wasn't sure she would like the one she was going to hear. "I've... I've seen pictures of you. I've been back for a few months."
He was right. "How long is 'a few'?" He did answer fast enough. "Ikuto," she hissed.
"Three."
"What is this?" She asked, plopping down on her bed. Amu wasn't sure if she was talking to herself or Ikuto or the charas that had gone back into their hearts. She just didn't know anymore. "I mean," Amu tried reasoning, "I get that you needed to settle back in with your family and everything, but somehow, I'm still really mad that you didn't contact me. What took you so long? I missed you. I've looked for you at every event since you left. I told myself you wouldn't be there, you wouldn't be here, but no matter what logic I used, I found myself hoping against it..." By the end she could feel her throat constricting, and that made her more frustrated. Why was she about to cry? She didn't want to cry. She wanted to understand. She wanted to be mature about this. She wanted to have a mature relationship with this adult who seemed to want to share her childhood. With this over-grown kid who had been laying comfortably in her bed reading manga. Now she was getting hysterical. Tears were running and she was laughing and she was crying.
The next thing she knew, Ikuto's long skinny fingers with their tips slightly roughened from years of playing violin were in her hair. They stroked her hair carefully as though the strands were new strings being adjusted. They removed the bobby pins and journeyed from scalp to tips. The fingertips did their master's bidding as the boy willed them to comfort the girl. As she sighed in comfort, they stopped abruptly. Ikuto lowered himself onto his elbows. His left arm remained extended at a 90degree angle to keep contact with the scalp; his right fist stayed strong against his left elbow.
Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
"I missed you, too," Ikuto whispered. How the things he did were perceived to people other than Amu was none of his concern. "I'm sorry. ...I was scared and I wanted everything to be together when we met again." He kissed her forehead and rolled himself over so that his head would be perpendicular to her's. "I got a job..." He was trying to show her that he was putting down roots, that he was staying. He'd gotten his own place, too, but she didn't need to know that yet. "I wanted you to see that I'm dependable now."
Amu smiled at her ceiling. He wanted to be dependable now... Was that so? "It seems like we both wanted to show each other how much we'd changed, while expecting the other to stay the same. We both wanted to start over, but it seems like our relationship demands that we pick up where we left off," Amu mused.
Ikuto breathed a reflective laugh and rubbed her scalp. "Yeah."
I will not let anything take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath
"Do you want to try?" He asked.
Every hour has come to this
"Yeah."
One step closer
Another one of those author's notes that you might not read:
So, originally, this story was a one-shot. The problem is there always seems to be space to continue this story. I may write one more chapter, but don't expect it soon! I actually like this story as well. I was encouraged to continue writing this one by reading the reviews on it.
I actually started writing this chapter last year but I got writer's block and I don't have that computer anymore… but you guys, my lovely reviewers, are worth it!
