Chapter 4: JJ's Perspective

It was a Sunday morning and the local pancake joint was packed when Emily and I arrived. Henry sat on Emily's hip, having demanded to be picked up right out of the car. She spoiled the hell out of him, she always had. No wonder he wanted me to marry her. Glancing sideways at Emily, I wondered whether or not Henry had brought that up again during the night he'd spent at her house. I wouldn't put it past him - he was as persistent as kids got, my boy. Still, there was no way for us to talk openly with him around and it was going to get even harder when we went back to work tomorrow. I wondered if Emily and I would ever really talk about that kiss in the alley. Maybe it would fade into irrelevancy with the passing of time, one more what if to add to the lifetime of missed opportunities I had already accrued.

With one arm around Henry, Emily still managed to hold the door open for me. I was sure the whole restaurant was picking up on my blush, unlikely as that seemed. In fact, even the waitress who rushed by as we entered barely looked over at us. Spotting a few free seats up at the bar, we decided to go ahead and seat ourselves. Henry immediately slammed both of his tiny hands on the counter, a wide smile lighting up his face, and attracted the attention of the girl working behind it.

"Hey, kid!" she greeted him brightly. "You ready for some pancakes?"

"YES, MA'AM," Henry shouted. Thankfully the restaurant was loud enough already that he didn't stand out. The girl only grinned; her name tag read Wendy. She was probably about Daisy's age, 16 or 17. Henry was a real charmer when it came to teenage girls.

"All right, what can I getcha?"

"What's the best?" Emily asked, reaching for a menu.

"Mommy and me always get chocolate chip," Henry announced. "Mom, can I order?!" When I nodded he turned to Wendy, and said, very carefully, "Mommy and me will want the chocolate chip pancakes, please. And also two juices. That will be orange juices, please."

Wendy beamed and took down our order with a flourish. "And for you?" she asked Emily, who was still glancing through the menu.

Looking up, Emily caught Henry's eye. "Buddy, you don't mind ordering for me too, right?" she asked, to Henry's delight. Then she lowered her voice. "I'll have the blueberry pancakes and a cappuccino."

"My mum will want the blueberry pancakes and also a cappuccino, please," Henry recited, and I could tell from the way Emily's eyes widened that she hadn't been expecting that either.

"Won't be long," Wendy replied, seeming not to notice the sudden increase in tension between us, or maybe pretending not to, as she walked away.

"Henry, we talked about that," Emily said quietly and she wouldn't look at me. "You know your mom and I aren't really getting married. It was just a game. We thought you'd understand that."

Henry looked down at his hands, now pressed between his knees sullenly. "But I want Emmy to be my mum," he mumbled. "Mommy, you said you love her so why can't she be?"

I was totally lost for words as Emily gently wrapped her arm around Henry, who was sitting between us.

"It's not that kind of love, baby," she told him. "I told you marriage is a big deal." I suddenly wished I'd been there to hear the conversation they'd had last night.

"I'm not dumb, Emmy, I know that!" Henry protested. "But don't you wanna be family with me and mommy?"

I watched as Emily pulled back and looked away, her back straightening perceptibly. Oh God, couldn't she just answer the question? I could see she was searching for an out, some way to escape with her pride, or maybe her heart, in tact.

"Em?" I pressed quietly.

When she looked at me again her eyes were open and vulnerable. "JJ, why are you looking at me like this is my decision? I- I don't even know what you're asking me…"

She was scared. I only hoped it was because Henry and I meant something to her. I hoped it was because she was afraid of messing this up… I placed my hand on Henry's shoulder for moral support and squeezed.

"Henry," I directed at him, because it was easier than talking to Emily. "You know how before people get married, they go on dates?"

"Yeah," Henry replied a little uncertainly.

I chewed my lip. Was this really the way to do it? "Maybe, if Emmy says yes, I could take her on a date? It wouldn't mean we were getting married, but… would you be okay with that?"

Henry turned straight to Emily and I saw her big, open eyes fall to rest on him lovingly. She was everything I wanted, I realised. And what a place to realise it: sitting at a counter in a restaurant, awaiting Sunday morning pancakes. She looked between us uncertainly and I tried to stem the feeling of shame that was rising in me for putting her in this position.

I swallowed. "You can say no, Emily," I told her. "But if you're interested, I'd really like to take you out."

"Okay," Emily whispered without letting on much. I wished I could reach across Henry, pull her into my arms, and kiss her until she knew I was serious. But being a mother meant having limits. I encouraged Henry's distraction by the arrival of the pancakes and for the rest of the meal we talked about silly, inconsequential things, and Henry stopped calling Emily mum.

Afterwards we drove Emily home, since we'd all come in my car, and I didn't know how to say goodbye to her. Without knowing whether or not it was the right thing to do, I stepped out of the car for a moment, locking the doors behind me but keeping the window directly behind my back open for Henry's safety.

"Thanks for taking care of him last night," I began, although that was the last thing on my mind.

"You know I love Henry," Emily repeated her words from before and this time she let the full strength of those words show. "Jayj, I really do, and I know this is awkward-"

"Em, do you want to go out with me?" I interrupted, stepping closer. "Please don't worry about Henry for a second. Just tell me, if none of this had happened and I asked you out, would you have said yes?"

In the next instant I felt her lips, soft and gentle, fall upon mine. Her eyes closed and her hand reached to touch my cheek and I followed suit. She kissed me deeply, sweetly, and too briefly. Her hand wavered as she drew back. I was relieved to open my eyes and find her smiling.

"Henry wants us to watch Iron Man III," she told me, "As a first date."

I brushed my lips softly against hers again, just for a second. "Maybe not as a first date," I replied. "You and I need to figure this out on our own before we bring him into it. We don't want to get his hopes up."

"I hope you're not getting my hopes up either, Jen," Emily replied softly and I felt my heart flutter in response.

"Your hopes…" I chuckled. "Em, I… It's not going to be me that pulls out of this."

"It's not going to be me either," Emily promised. Then, glancing back into the car, where Henry wasn't even pretending not to watch, she waved. "I'll see you at work tomorrow," she said.

I smiled back as I watched her step back towards the house. Was this really ok? Was this really happening?

"Yeah, Em. I guess you will…"


"We'll be fine," I felt the need to reassure Emily again on Monday morning. We almost always met on the way to work to pick up what would be the only good coffee we got all day, before walking the last block in together. "We just need to find somewhere quiet to go for an evening. Somewhere away from anyone we know, including Henry and the team." I took a breath in and tried to be casual about what came out of my mouth next. "I want to kiss you again, Em. I know at least that much."

"There's a far distance between thinking you want to kiss me again and your son calling me mum," Emily replied, voicing the fear I myself had, but sounding far more controlled about it than she had yesterday.

"I know it's a big jump, Em. I've told him not to do it again," I promised. "But I wouldn't mind, and I know Henry would really like it... if you were around more. You know, a bigger part of both of our lives. We can get past this awkward stage."

It was so hard to read her when she was back in that suit. Her hair was dead straight and neatly brushed, her fringe falling evenly across her forehead; her make-up was expertly but modestly applied; her black jacket perfectly matched to long black slacks with only the slightest characteristic flair at the bottom. The shirt she wore beneath the jacket was pinstriped and, I was pretty sure, buttoned an inch higher than usual too. I combed my hair back with my hands self-consciously. I had to do what she did. When we were going to work, I needed to compartmentalise the part of me that wanted her. Still, we weren't there yet...

I don't know what compelled me to pull Emily into an alley so close to our workplace, but the moment we were out of sight of the road it was her who had me up against the wall.

"Speaking about awkward stages…" she breathed against my cheek. "If you start letting me kiss you, I'm going to find it hard to stop."

I reached up one hand to touch her jaw, bringing our lips together softly. "So don't stop… The only thing I know right now is how much I need to feel you everywhere…"

"Everywhere is good…" Emily murmured. "But I hope we eventually get to try this someplace other than a dirty alleyway."

I opened my mouth in protest and felt her tongue press in hard. I still had a coffee in one hand, for God's sake, but I needed her badly. All I could think about lately was getting her alone, proving and reproving to myself just what this was. Her kiss was heavy and sensual, desperately explorative. I found myself running my free hand down her neck and clinging to her lapel as if at risk of falling. My eyes fluttered open briefly as she took both of our coffees and set them down before returning to kiss me, both hands running up and down my sides, her fingertips measuring my figure by touch.

As we began to gasp for breath, Emily attacked my neck with bites and kisses fuelled by what seemed like pure frustration. I tangled a hand in her sleek, dark hair and sighed falteringly. I knew this wasn't the place, knew it well, and yet here we were again…

"Em," I breathed. "We have to get to work…"

I couldn't bite back a moan fast enough as Emily's teeth scraped down my neck. "I know," she sighed. "Fuck, Jennifer. Wy do I want you so much? It shouldn't be possible for me to be this turned on by a quick snog in an alleyway..."

Despite myself, I couldn't help laughing. "A snog, huh? Maybe Henry should start calling you mum."

Emily blushed deeply but she didn't pull back.

"Em…" I felt I needed to warn her. "Henry is going to make this difficult for us. I already see so little of him because of our job. If you and me are going to do this, you're going to be seeing a lot of him and that's going to mean that.. this, what we're doing now, isn't always going to be easy. I understand if it's too much for you, when you stop and think about it…"

Emily only kissed me again, her touch gentle but reassuringly firm, in no way uncertain.

"JJ, I have thought about this," she replied, scraping her fingers lightly through my hair and looking into my eyes as we drew apart. "I know that dating you means dating Henry too, and I know… I know it can't just be a spur of the moment decision. I never want to make things harder for you or him by messing up our relationship."

"I know, but Em-"

"Jayj." God, her eyes were almost black. I could've melted… "I wouldn't be doing this if I weren't prepared for the possibility that we may one day want your boy to think of me as his mother."

Our coffees were long cold by the time I let her go.

It certainly wouldn't be the last time we turned up late to work with matching rumpled appearances, but thank God that morning no one noticed.