Chapter 4: The Love Hawk
The
Love Hawk soon will be
making another run
The Love Hawk promises
something for everyone
Set a course for adventure
Your mind on
a new romance...
(Key music montage)
(Kreia—port dormitory)
I'm
meditating
And right in the middle of a good dream
like all at
once I wake up
From something that keeps knocking at my brain
(Bao—in the garage)
Before
I go insane
remembering the war
You still need a lens
I know
I've said that before.
(Kreia, HM & Visas) (Exile, we love you!)
(Handmaiden—cargo hold)
This
morning, as I worked out I got this feeling
I didn't know how to
deal with
And so I just decided to myself
I'd hide it to
myself
And never talk about it
And didn't I go and shout
it
When you walked in the cargo hold.
"Exile, I love you!"
(Visas & Kreia) (Exile, we love you!)
(Visas—starboard dormitory)
My life
for yours!
So what am I so afraid of?
I'm afraid that I'm not
sure of
A love there is no cure for
My life for yours!
Isn't
that what life is made of?
Though it worries me to say
I've
never felt this way
(Atton—cockpit)
Believe
me, I'm straight-X-edge so
You don't have to worry
I only
wanna play Pazaak.
But if you say,
"Hey, go away", I
will
But I think better still
I ought to stick around and fly
the ship
Do you think I made a fatal slip?
Let me ask you once
again:
Can I be a Jedi?
(All of them)
Exile, we love you!
(A very manly snort came from the cockpit and Atton said, "Hey, not me, I never sang that!")
And from the garage-- "Is that what I was trying to forget about the war?" Bao moaned.
Cal fled through the ship, hands over his ears as he was assaulted with the worse lyrics in the galaxy and everyone on the ship except his beloved droids were in on it.
"Atton, HM, to the garage. Atton, we're going to find those Twi'leks and get you leveled up. Unless you have done something so diabolical that even easy going Cal cannot forgive you." He winked at a suddenly stricken Atton. "Kidding!"
"Don't you want me to level up, too?" HM asked, pouting.
"Yes, my little Ice Princess," he said affably, kissing her on the cheek. "Your turn will come."
Once Dr. Who had brought him back to the ship, he and HM had sparred twice and he doubted even mud-wrestling could beat. Black, skimpy undies and bra and a choke collar were all she wore when she fought him. And he had tried to strip down to just briefs, really he had, but the game insisted he remain in that stupid underwear that looked like a toddler's Onesies. He remembered Jaden's game had allowed Canderous to take off his shirt at Davik's estate and Swagger Vasa had been buck naked! Of course he had never seen a naked buck, so he could not be for sure. All these thoughts of naked males made Cal shiver and he replaced them with a memory of a naked, swooning Bastila Shan in his arms. But this only made him sad.
Cal and the other two rushed out of the ship. Cal noticed Atton's tongue was dragging the ground and sighed. Chuck had forgotten to have HM put her clothes back on. He went to the screen on Chuck's TV in his home apartment and tapped on it and asked Bartowski to get her into something. A moment later she was wearing an Echani suit of armor and carried her handmaiden's staff. They hurried to the Refugee Sector and searched until they found the Twi'leks. Cal was just about to give them 25 credits when something in his newly enlightened brain made him stop and demand how they knew about Atton. Had they known him in the wars? Had they met him before on Nar Shaddaa? Why did they just happen to be here at this particular time? What, were they even doing in the game?
The Twi'leks looked at each other as if they found him missing a few cards from his Pazaak deck. "We are here so you can pay us a paltry 25 credits and you get the quest, you know when the little icon book pops up telling you of another quest? As to the answers to your questions, we have no answers. The game does not provide us with anything intelligent to say other than the stock dialogue, stale and trite as it is, so you can ask Atton about his murderous past. Now, if you don't pay us, you won't get the quest and he will remain smuggler, level 7 forever."
"Fine." Cal gave them a 25 credit chit, and sure enough, the little book icon popped up over his head.
Smiling, he turned to Atton, hoping he could skip pages of dialogue and just get to the Jedi Sentinel stage and leveling up, because he figured he could take a well-deserved nap while Atton leveled up 52 times.
He had put enough Force Bondo into their friendship, so Cal went to the heart of the matter, but Atton was not cooperating, even acted all surly and peeved.
"Hey, how can you even live with yourself after Malachor V?" Atton shot back at him when Cal asked him again about his past.
Malachor V was a touchy subject and it was beside the point, because Cal already knew the terrible things Atton as Captain Jaq had done—he just needed him to open up about it so he could tell him all was forgiven and Cal could promise to train him and take a nap while Atton leveled up. What was it about this game that no rest was provided? Sleep deprivation was a serious consideration, didn't they know that? That could be a valid reason why so many of the Exiles turned to the dark side—Kreia's nagging being the other.
He suddenly realized Atton was spilling his guts and the sight was so disgusting, not to mention, life-threatening. Cal stopped him and together they put his guts back in and Cal healed him and then Atton asked if he should spill the beans, but there were too many legumes to choose from, so Cal suggested Atton just come clean, but that meant the pilot would have to take a shower. Finding out about Atton's past was no walk in the park Cal discovered, and since Nar Shaddaa had no parks, it was a moot point. Cal wondered briefly what a moot was and how many points it had and then shook his head, relieved not to hear the sound of marbles rattling.
"Atton, just tell me the truth," he said finally.
Atton looked livid. "The truth?! You can't handle the truth!"
"I'm pretty sure I can."
Atton looked mollified. Who was this Molli and shouldn't he look Atton-fied? Having so much intelligence sometimes gave Cal a headache. Thoughts of quantum physics and E=Mc squared kept crowding out the every day stuff.
"Well, okay, there was this girl..."
Cal found there were some things in the galaxy hard to forgive, but, Atton was right when he said Cal had killed Jedi in the past by following Revan's orders (Luce Cannon's, not Jaden's) and he was responsible for what happened on Dxun and Malachor V.
"I forgive you and together we can rule the galaxy as father and son."
Atton stared at him. "Wha....?"
(Off-camera the frazzled director calls, "Line!")
Cal looked startled for a moment. "Canon, my bad," he said apologetically. "Together we can stop the Sith and, yes, I will train you, Atton."
The music chimed that meant Atton could level up and Cal told the new Jedi Sentinel to go for it and settled down to take a nap. He used his arm for a pillow, closed his eyes and drifted off. While he was sleeping, someone lifted his head and there was a terrible, piercing pain like his head had just split open like a melon.
From a long distance, he heard Atton calling his name and when he opened his eyes, he saw Atton, HM and a man who should have M.D. after his name. What was his name?
Atton, with his now super healing ability, was using it to heal the part of Cal's head that had been sliced open. Shouldn't the doctor be helping him, Cal thought groggily.
"Sylar's Exile has his ability to slice open the skull and take the other Jedi's powers," the doctor was explaining.
Suddenly, Cal smiled as a very dim light bulb glimmered faintly over his head and the name came to him. "Dr. Exactly!"
In unison, everyone moaned, "Not again!"
"It's Who, Cal," the doctor said without much hope.
Cal grinned . There was a VACANCY sign flashing on his temple. "Me Cal, you Exactly."
Hiro and Peter were there, too. They had been trying to track down Sylar, their arch enemy. Hiro shook his head in sympathy for the addle-pated Jedi.
"He in bad shape again."
Peter offered to fly Cal to Korriban to level up again, but Dr. Who said he would have to go back in time. Peter told him he actually had that ability, but deferred to the doctor's mode of transportation.
"Cal, dear boy, would you like to go for a ride?"
Cal was pulling stuffing out of his ears and was looking at it, truly puzzled.
Atton snapped his fingers in front of Cal's face. The brown eyes looked at him dully. The light bulb flickered and almost died. "He's in worse shape than ever," Atton told the others.
(Cue music!) Cal sings
I could while away the hours, while Master Vrook, he glowers
Causing me much pain
And my head I'd be scratchin' while Revan's busy hatchin'
Another plan that is lame.
I'd unravel every riddle for any individ'le,
In trouble or in pain.
(All of the others)
If you only had a brain...
Dr. Who stopped Cal from walking the yellow brick road that had suddenly appeared, and guided him into the TARDIS. Hiro suggested that he not level Cal's intelligence up too much as he seemed to need his Guardian strengths more than anything else. While he was gone, Atton got bored and went all around the complex, clearing out the Serroco gang for the refugees, accidentally taking on side-quests just because he tried to chat up three women, one who turned out to be married looking for her husband. The other needed a transport off Nar Shaddaa and the other wanted him to rescue her daughter from the Exchange boss.
Atton came back and asked HM if she would like to accompany him since Cal wasn't back yet. She reluctantly agreed. They did not really get along since he'd taken a Holonet course on Echani fighting techniques and could fake it with the best of them.
Because Atton's intelligence level was right where it should be, he was smart enough not to engage in any fights with the huge Gamorrean pig guards in the Exchange's part of the complex. He asked to see the Quarren boss Sasquesh and received funny looks, but was allowed to walk into the office.
"Well, if t'isn't Captain Jaq," a decidely Scottish voice said.
Atton froze, well, not literally because then he would have been an Atton-sicle, but he could not move as he stared in horror at a face even a mother could not love. The most disturbing feature was the cephalopod-like head, primarily a "beard" composed of tentacles. A prominent sac bulged from underneath his barnacle-encrusted tricorne hat. He had no nose but breathed through a siphon on the side of his face. He had a crustacean-style claw for his left arm, a long tentacle in place of the index finger on his right hand, and the right leg of a crab, resembling a peg-leg.
"Uh, you must have me mixed up with someone else, mate," Atton blurted, trying not to slur his words, or fall into the old habit of walking like he wasn't used to land or being sober.
"Jaq, you canna fool your old pal Davy Q. Jones."
"What's the Q stand for?"
"Are ye daft, mon? Q stands for quarren!" Davy Jones took out his pipe, held it with his long tentacle, tamped in tobacco, lit and took a deep puff. It really freaked out Atton when the smoke came out the siphon on the side of his face.
"I thought Q was that gadgets guy for 007."
"Ye'll no be talking your way out of this one, Jaq. I'm sending you and your ship to the Locker!"
"Ah, c'mon, Jones, have a heart!"
"You know very well I do nae have one." A wistful look came over his crustacean face. "If only I did.."
(Cue music) Davy Q Jones sings
When a
man's an empty kettle he should be on his mettle,
And yet I'm torn
apart.
Just because I'm presumin' that I could be kind-a-human,
If
I only had a heart.
"Actually, he does and it's right here."
Atton whirled around at the sound of a familiar, friendly voice. Cal was standing there with a chest that rested on his shoulder. The dim bulb had been replaced by an environmentally friendly light and he grinned amiably at Atton.
"You are in the wrong game, Dr. Jones."
Atton winced as Davy Jones sputtered, "You're still missing a wee bit of matter from that brain of yours!"
Cal whistled a little tune and then smiled when the TARDIS appeared in the room. Dr. Who came out, dropped a huge lobster cage over Davy Jones and Cal and Atton carried it inside. Cal retrieved the chest he had left outside and gave it to the good doctor.
"I will take him and the chest back to the correct game."
"Thanks, Dr. Exactly." Cal smiled playfully, so Dr. Who was not sure whether he was joking or not. The TARDIS disappeared a second later.
Atton blew out a big sigh of relief. "I thought I was a goner there for a moment. Good to have you back, Cal. How's your head?"
"I have all my powers, but I kept my intelligence at a level 16. Truth is, being that smart made me feel how dumb I used to be."
"Of course it did." Atton stretched his arms over his head. "We have some side-quests to do and then you have to walk into a trap in the Jekk' Jekk Tarr, a poisonous spa where lots and lots of guys will do their best to kill you and you'll be captured and taken to Goto's ship."
Cal looked at him as if he had a loose screw. Atton knew he didn't. He had tightened all of them earlier in the day.
"Why the hell would I do that? I know it's a trap? Poisonous? Attacked? Captured? Taken? Why would I do that?"
Atton sighed. "I know, sounds really stupid, doesn't it? And, since you have a 16th level of intelligence, you clearly are not stupid. But..."
"I hate big butts and I cannot lie!" Cal began and Atton took him firmly by the shoulders.
"No, Cal. You are a terrible rapper, so do me and the world a favor and quit!" Atton released his grip and took a couple steps back "Besides it was b-u-t and what I was going to say was it's another one of those dumb ass things in the game to move it along."
"But we have Chuck playing it. Can't he put in a mod to skip this part of the game?" Cal's expression told of his reluctance. "I don't want to go to the JJT and get poisoned and get captured." A thought occurred to him. "Besides, shouldn't we get off this planet in case that Sylar Exile is still running around?"
"We-lll, I have good news and bad news about that."
"What's the good news?" With Atton the good news sometimes was quite bad.
"Good news is Sylar Exile did what he came to do and has left Nar Shaddaa according to Hiro and Peter."
"Bad news?"
"He killed Master Zez-wha-is-name and took all his powers."
"Did he leave his lightsaber by any chance?" Cal said after a moment of deliberation.
"Uh, dunno. We have side quests."
"Which we don't have to do."
"I want a lightsaber!" Atton said stubbornly. "All we lack for parts is the lens."
"I've made fifty lenses!"
"Yeah, but to get the lightsaber we need the lens from the guy at the docks in the flophouse. To do that, we first have to kill every guard in this place, but first, we have to get the quest by talking to him."
"You couldn't have done that while I was on Korriban leveling up again?"
Atton ran his fingers through his hair. The answer to him was obvious. Cal gestured. "Since we're here, can we kill the guards before we go talk to this guy?"
"Should be okay."
Cal and Atton and HM wiped out all the guards. Although they were big, they really were very easy to take out, so it took them only a few minutes. They raced over to the docks and found Lootra, another generic male who told them a sad tale about his wife Aaida. Atton knew just where she was so they rushed back to the Refugee Sector, talked to her and told her the way had been cleared so she could join her husband.
Puffing, they raced back to the docks and found Aaida was in the room with Lootra. Cal skidded to a halt just outside the room, panting. "How did she get here so fast? I used Force speed and she beat us?"
"Games move in mysterious ways," HM said, speaking for the first time in an hour. "I see now how you stay in shape, Cal—running everywhere."
"Yeah, and to the same places," he groused, but his sunny disposition could not be replaced by gloom and doom. They found a lightsaber lying in the last room after Lootra's. Cal had to use his to force open the door. That was all that was left of Jedi Master Zez-Kai-El. Cal handed the hilt to Atton and gave him a few pointers: like before you turn it on, make sure the "blade" is facing away from you; never throw it at a bad guy in a crowd of innocents because it cannot distinguish bad from good and will take off their heads, too and, last, but certainly not least, and always be sure to turn it off before you put it back on your utility belt or you could lose something very important.
Lootra, in gratitude, had given them the lens the game needed to make Bao shut up. The game-master, Chuck switched HM out for Bao just long enough for Cal to ask him if he had everything he needed to build a lightsaber and Bao replied all he needed was a little time alone with a workbench. Success! Chuck changed Bao out for T3-who he had to level up 52 times and an hour later T3 up-graded the lightsaber that had just seemed to materialize from thin air.
Atton was happy now, except he asked that Zez-Kai-El's pretty purple be replaced with yellow. He hung it on his belt and sauntered. Cal shoved the other lightsaber in the RPG sack. They stopped to loot every other room and found three Mandalorians, two who just grunted when Cal tried to talk to them, but the one in the middle told him he did not want to talk to him. To Cal this was like waving a red flag in front of a bull.
"Why don't you want to talk to me?"
"I don't want to talk to you," the Mandalorian in the golden armor said, with an Aussie accent.
"Why not? I'm a nice guy. With a decent voice I might add."
Atton had an idea and whispered it to Cal. The Exile turned back to the Mandalorians. "Would you sing to me?"
The Mandalorian in the golden armor sounded a little flustered as he consulted his co-horts.
(Cue music to Camelot)
We came here after Malachor Five
Barely made it outta there alive
We're waiting for the one who can unit us
The one called Mandalore!
Mandalore! Mandalore!
When he comes walking through the door
We'll know he's Mandalore
Mandalore!
Because he's wearing the helm of Mandalore!
And that will make us sure
That he is Mandalore!
Then we will wait no more...
Cal and Atton and HM, who Chuck had brought back, sneaked out of the room while the Mandalorians were still singing. Cal called for Dr. Exactly because he wanted the good doctor to take him to where Mandalore was. The TARDIS took them to the Mandalorian fortress on Dxun, dropping right inside the leader's security complex. Cal came outside. Armor, check, helm of Mandalore, check.
Mandalore turned from where he was correlating with the Mandalorian scouts on the moon. To give him credit he did not seem the least bit worried that a blue POLICE BOX, two Jedis, a handmaiden, and a strange-looking doctor were in his domain.
"Are you Mandalore?"
"Yes, hence the helmet." The voice was deep, enhanced by a voice-coder, but Cal recognized it.
"Canderous Ordo!? Is that you?"
"I am Mandalore now."
"Oh, okay. I ran into three Mandalorians and they are waiting for you on Nar Shaddaa."
Mandalore was persuaded (yep, you guessed it, with the Force) to go inside the TARDIS which landed right outside the Mandalorians' room.
"Mandalore!" the golden-armored Mandalorian shouted.
"How can we know for sure?" one of the others sang.
"He's wearing the helm of Mandalore so that makes him Mandalore," the other Mandalorian sang.
"You can be sure, that I am Mandalore." Canderous soloed.
Atton put his hands over his ears and sang piteously, "Please don't sing it any more."
Cal added, "Just accept he's Mandalore and let's go out the door."
Cal placed a hand on Atton's shoulder, nodding in sympathy. What would be the odds they would discover three tone-deaf Mandalorians in one room?
Mandalore and the others were taken into the TARDIS and it disappeared with a whump of displaced air.
Atton rubbed his hands as if washing them. "Glad that's over. They were stuck in a singing loop."
Cal walked up to the screen and tapped it. "Can you please insert a mod so I can skip the JJT and GOTO's ship?"
Startled brown eyes met his and there was a smile and a nod. "Better finish any other quests before I do. There is someone you need to find. Her name is Mira."
Cal followed Chuck's instructions and instigated the cut scene, but he had a gold Pazaak card up his sleeve. He already had the breath bubble since he had skipped to future. Mods were a wonderful thing! So, when Mira tried to knock him out with gas she found out he was not such an easy target.
Mira, dressed in a greenish-black leather outfit that left her midriff bare and exposed her cleavage, was a red-haired, green-eyed babe. Cal quickly applied some Force Bondo and Mira forgot all about taking his space suit into the JJT. He told her she would be caught and have to fight Hanharr, so she was pretty open to the idea of coming with him.
He went through twelve pages of dialogue once they got on the ship but she still would not listen to him, so, since it seemed to work with everyone else in this chapter, Cal began to sing.
Mira! I just met a girl called Mira
I look into her green eyes
And I cannot disguise I want her...
To come with me and become a Jedi
(Mira)
I like to be on Nar Shaddaa
OK for me on Nar Shaddaa
I get my fees on Nar Shaddaa
Best bounty hunter on Nar Shaddaa!
(Cal) He took her hands in his and gazed deeply into her eyes.
There's a
time for us,
Some day a time for us,
Time together with time to
spare,
Time to learn, time to care,
Some day!
(Mira) She closed her eyes and he kissed her.
I feel
stunning
And entrancing,
Feel like running and dancing for
joy,
For I'm loved
By a handsome Jedi boy!
Mira stepped back from the kiss. Cal and she were alone. He waited while she leveled up 54 times. It gave him another opportunity to take a nap. They walked on the boardwalk, holding hands and talked. Cal was sad about Master Zez's terrible end. Mira looked at him as if she was concerned she was breaking a sacred trust, but he was just so irresistible she had to tell him.
"There's another Jedi here."
"A Jedi Master?
She nodded and pulled him into an alley where they had an intense make-out session. She took him back to the flophouse. He was introduced to the Jedi Master, who was 5' 10", had curly dark blond hair and green eyes with gold specks in them. He had a charming, secretive smile that made Cal think he was trying to pull one over on him, and an accent very similar to the Mandalorian in the golden armor.
Cal quickly made a side trip to the Refugee Sector again so he could finish any side quests. He invited Kahranna to come with him out of the slum and she agreed. The girl Adana had already been freed and united with her mother, but he got another lightsaber part from the mother and a kiss on the cheek, which made Mira smack him hard on the shoulder. He healed the sick refugee who gave him a lightsaber part. He invited Otis the pilot to come with them to the flophouse where he introduced him to three Weequays whose captain seemed to have taken residence in the JJT.
"Is that all?" the Jedi Master asked, his eyes gleaming with secret mirth.
Cal nodded, never so happy than to reach his ship and NOT find the band of ruthless slave traders called the Red Eclipse on board. Thank you, Chuck!
Atton met him on the loading ramp. "Who are all these people?" he asked.
Cal introduced Mira and Kahranna and then realized he did not know the Jedi Master's name.
"And you are?" Atton asked.
The Jedi Master whispered his name in Atton's ear. Cal wondered why Atton smirked at him.
"Where are we going next?" Cal wondered aloud.
"Hey, we can go anywhere in the galaxy," Atton said, as if he'd waited his entire life to say it. "We have Visas and Master Kaarde."
A/N Songs-The Love Boat—I Think I Love You (Partridge Family—If I only had a Brain & If I only had a Heart from the Wizard of Oz—Camelot musical—Maria, America & Somewhere from Westside Story—I certainly do not own the original lyrics or Star Wars, but I do own a wacko sense of humor. Enjoy!
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