Cast: Mario the Cryptic, Luigi the Smooth Dude, Daisy the Bitch, Peach the Wannabe Bitch, Mona the Overachiever, Wario the Fat Bastard, DK the Clueless, Diddy the Normal, Dixie the Egomaniac, Candy the Homewrecker, Tiny the Wannabe Homewrecker, Yoshi the Hipster, Birdo the Pothead, Toadsworth the Optimist, Toodles the Superficial Gold-digger, Bowser the Obsessive Stalker
After the smell of the fart bomb began to fade and everyone started to recover from that terrifying event, Mona went over to Peach.
"Hey…I'm curious about something. Why do you hang out with Daisy? From what I've seen, all she does is belittle you and everyone else too! I mean, I know I have my bitchy moments too, but I'd never degrade someone who's supposed to be my best friend!" she pointed out.
"Because…she's a princess. I'm a princess. She's hot. I'm hot. She's rich. I'm rich. She's rude. I'm nic- I mean, rude too! We're a match made in heaven, obviously! Except neither of us swing that way, if you know what I mean. It makes total sense, ya know!?" Peach stupidly explained.
"What!? No it doesn't! Those are all very superficial traits you just listed that you two have in common. Come on, you really expect me to believe that you're just as horrible as she is? I don't have to remind you of the fact that Sarasaland's economy is shit right now and the laws there are very questionable, such as the one like where your house must be painted orange or yellow or you will get deported, or the law where people must throw rotten eggs at Goombas in public?" Mona questioned.
"…Well…uhh…you…you're just jealous because you're not as equally hot and rich as we are! There's a cure for your bitterness, Mona, it's called…uhh…something cleverly named that I can't think of right now!" Peach accused.
Mona scoffed at her. "Seriously!? There's nothing to be jealous of! Ugh, perhaps you're a lost cause then. Oh well, can't say I didn't try…"
"W-wait! Um…well…I guess…Daisy does treat me bad a lot…but, isn't that what besties are supposed to do?" Peach asked. Mona gave her a shocked and bewildered expression.
"Huh!? No way in hell! Peach, have you ever had a close girl friend before Daisy?" she asked. Peach shook her head. "I see…well, let me tell ya, that's not how BFF's treat each other. Trust me, I know from experience! You are so much better off without her."
"But…but…uhh…you're just jealous because you don't have a rich and hot princess for a friend!" Peach spat.
"Peach, seriously!? You know I'm right! I see it on your face!" Mona rolled her eyes.
"STOP YELLING AT ME! I CAN'T TAKE THE PRESSURE ANYMORE! WAAAAAAAHHHHH!" Peach broke down crying and ran back into the living room.
"…Wow…how is she fit to run a kingdom, again?" Mona said in awe.
"Alright guys, the smell has cleared out, so let's close everything back up before any nasty bugs get in!" Diddy ordered and began to close the windows.
"Geez, next time I do a wicked jump scare like that, I'll make sure Wario isn't in the room, yo!" Luigi said.
"How about just don't do it all, dumbo!? Save the scares for the horror movies!" Bowser yelled.
"How was it that you, a giant, ugly, evil, and desperate koopa were so scared by that? I mean, your castle is practically an entrance to hell, so you should be desensitized to scares, no?" Tiny asked.
"Okay, one, I take HUGE offense to the name-calling, you age-confused hooker! Two, I'm just…uhh…a lot more sensitive than you guys realize! I'm not THAT one dimensional," Bowser nervously responded.
"Gee, could've fooled me based on 99% of Mario games that star you as the villain," Dixie said sarcastically.
"Wait, why did you call her an 'age-confused hooker'? Do you know her secret?" Candy asked with a devious smile.
"Uhhhh…OKAY, ARE WE GONNA PLAY SOME GAMES NOW!? OOH, I KNOW, UHH…TRUTH OR DARE! EVERYONE LIKES THAT OVERRATED GAME, RIGHT!?" Tiny tried to desperately save face.
"Truth or Dare? Seriously? Ugh, fine, whatever it takes to make this night less boring and stupid…" Daisy groaned.
"I expect a lot of dark secrets to come out during this game. My body is ready," Mario creepily spoke.
"My body is ready too, well, ready to get stoned again, that is," Birdo winked.
"Is that all you ever think about and do?" Dixie asked.
"No. I also work as a gender studies professor part-time at the university," Birdo revealed. Bowser busted up laughing.
"BWAHAHAHAHA! YOU!? A GENDER STUDIES PROFESSOR!? OH GOD, THAT IS SOOOOO FITTING! HAHAHAHAHA!"
"How is being a gender studies professor funny? Is it because it's a boring subject?" DK asked in a very serious manner. This made Bowser laugh even harder.
"If you had bothered to become educated, DK, you'll know that gender studies takes a look at how sexist society is and what we can do to make it fairer for all genders," Yoshi replied.
"All genders…? So…male and female?" Diddy questioned.
"No. ALL genders," Yoshi answered, looking a little heated.
"Yoshi, shut your bitch ass up before I clock you with my fists of fury!" Luigi cheesily threatened. Dixie came to his defense.
"Hey, you can't talk to him like that! Back off or else I'll clock you with MY fists of fur…y! Heh, get it? Cause I have fur on my fists and…ah, fuck it, that was such a shitty joke."
Mona rolled her eyes at the conversation. "Can we PLEASE just start this already?"
"Hey! Don't start out without me! I just finished showering and re-applying 5 pounds of makeup to my face. No need to tell me how I look, as I know I look ravishing!" Toodles happily announced as she made her way back into the room.
"If by 'ravishing' you mean ugly as hell, then I do agree with you on that," Daisy smirked.
"Thanks dear. It lifts me up to be complimented by a fellow rich and privileged woman," Toodles heartily replied.
"Were you even listening, dummy? That wasn't a compliment!" Bowser said.
"Wait! I'm joining in on this too! Don't worry, I have cleaned myself up and masked the smell with a shit ton of cologne. It won't happen again!" Wario declared, also running back to the room.
"Yeah, it better not, or else I'm pressing charges!" Dixie threatened.
"Alright, let's get on with the game…wait a second, we're still missing Waluigi and Pauline," Mario pointed out.
"I saw Waluigi chase after Pauline because she ran outside to throw up. They probably ended up making out, for all we know…wait a second…oh god, I just put that image in my head of Waluigi kissing Pauline's puke-stained lips!" Daisy shrieked. Everyone else made disgusted faces.
"OH MY FUCKING GOD! Can this trip get any more disgusting!? Seriously, WHY do I hang out with you guys again!? Like…I must really hate myself if I keep voluntarily doing these hangouts," Diddy groaned.
"I dare say, monkey boy, this group is like a satanic cult; once you join us, it's impossible to escape! AND I LOVE IT!" Toadsworth joyfully expressed.
"Satanic cult? Seriously? Bruh, last time I checked, we weren't sacrificing animals and fetuses to the devil. You should go to the doctor's to get that brain checked, old man!" Luigi spat.
"Yeah, 'satanic cult' is a little too far to describe our group! I'd say we're more like a club for banana lovers, wouldn't you all agree?" DK asked.
*Dead silence*
"…Let's just start the fucking game already before I completely lose it again. Pauline and Waluigi will just have to join later on," Daisy sighed in frustration.
"For sure! So, uhh, I guess the rules of Truth or Dare is just…um, if you wanna switch from 'Truth' to 'Dare' or vice versa because you don't like what's proposed, you can do that, but then you HAVE to do the second thing that's being proposed. Okay! So, who wants to start it off?" Tiny said.
"Alright then. I volunteer as the first to go! Let's see here…Toodles! Truth or dare?" Diddy asked.
"As tempted as I am to go with truth, I shall pick dare, as being daring is more attractive than being truthful," Toodles explained in an unnecessary way.
"Uhh…okay then…I dare you to take your makeup off right now, in front of all of us," Diddy stated. Some eyes widened at this.
"Wh-what!? You're absolutely absurd! I just put my makeup back on too! I refuse to show the world an all-natural face! It's so…BACKWARDS!" Toodles freaked out.
"Wow. And I thought us younger people had severe issues!" Bowser scoffed.
"You can always choose truth instead, but you have to go with the truth," Diddy pointed out.
"Honestly, that's probably a better idea. I don't want to see what she looks like without makeup on, especially if she's THAT scared about it. Probably in the vein of a cave monster, like those creatures in The Descent," Daisy commented.
"Yes! Yes! Truth! Anything but taking my makeup off!" Toodles pleaded.
"Okay then. Hmm. Is it true that the only reason you're with Toadsworth is because he's rich?" Diddy asked. Some of the characters "Oooooh'd", including Toadsworth himself.
"Oh! Um…well…err…oh screw it, YES I AM! He's the only Toad that's close to my age that's somehow richer than me! It's remarkable yet disturbing, I tell you! But that's not the ONLY reason…the other reason is that he's good at making me reach climax, if you know what I mean!" Toodles winked. Everyone else made disgusted faces.
"WHAT THE FUCK!? WAS THAT SHIT AT THE END REALLY NECESSARY!?" Luigi screeched.
"Oh god…I'm gonna throw up again! WHY DO PEOPLE FEEL THE NEED TO EXPLOIT THEIR SEX LIVES!?" Mona cried.
"I never for a second thought that old people get it on. I just thought that they sat there and knit or some other boring shit," Candy commented.
"OH. MY. GOD. ME TOO! I hope I never age so I can fornicate whenever I please!" DK said in shock.
"I'm surprised you even know what the word 'fornicate' means…" Dixie said.
"OKAY STOP WITH ALL THE FUCKING SEX TALK! LET'S JUST MOVE TO THE NEXT PERSON PLEASE!" Wario screamed.
"Yeah, enough please! This is strangely turning me on!" Bowser added.
*Awkward silence*
"Uhh…I mean…TOODLES, YOUR TURN!" he panicked.
"Right! Let's see…Mario! Truth or dare?" Toodles asked.
"Let's go with truth," he responded.
"Is it true that you're tired of saving Princess Peach every other week?" she asked.
"No, I'm not…" he responded confidently.
"Aww, yay!" Peach cheered.
"…I'm tired of saving her EVERY week. I don't know how she gets herself kidnapped so often," he finished.
"WAIT, WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!?" Peach screamed in horror.
"Hmm, sounds about right. I mean, we do hear about Peach getting into trouble every Thursday or so, and I should know this because that's the one day where I don't smoke my weed, maaaaaaan," Birdo said.
"Wait a second! I don't kidnap Peach every week! What else kind of trouble do you get in? Who else is kidnapping you!?" Bowser demanded to know.
"Yeah, for real Peach, I don't understand how all kinds of danger are attracted to you when you have enough money to pretty much destroy the entire planet if you could," Daisy pointed out.
"You are a disgrace to all females, Peach!" Yoshi randomly yelled.
Peach started to cry. "WAAAAAAAHHHH! YOU'RE ALL A BUNCH OF JUDGMENTAL BITCHES! I CAN'T HELP IT IF EVIL VILLAINS THINK I'M SO HOT AND RICH THAT THEY WANNA TAKE ME TO THEIR LAIR AND DO NOTHING OF HARM TO ME!"
"I was just being truthful, honey. No need to get upset," Mario spoke with no emotion.
"Yeah! No need to cry, princess! Look at the positive side, whenever you get kidnapped, it gives me an opportunity to invite Toodles over to the castle so we can go in your room and-" Toadsworth was cut off by everyone else screeching at him.
"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!? DID YOU NOT JUST HEAR US TWO MINUTES AGO, YOU OLD TWAT!?" Wario yelled.
Peach dropped her jaw. "Oh…my…you…YOU DO 'THAT' IN MY ROOM!? WAAAAAAAHHHHH! I HATE MY LIFE!"
"I'd hate my life too if I found out that some old folks were screwing like gorillas in my bed!" Candy added.
"Enough with your white tears! Mario, choose the next person!" Yoshi demanded.
"Okay. Let's go with…Tiny. Truth or dare?" Mario asked.
"Truth, I guess," she shrugged.
"Why did Bowser call you an age-confused hooker? The hooker part is obvious, but why age-confused?" he asked.
Tiny widened her eyes and made a big gulp. All eyes were on her.
"I…I…I-I legitimately d-do not know why he s-s-s-said that! Uhh, I guess, he was just, um, being an, uhh, asshole!?" she started to sweat.
"Oh REALLY? Are you positive about that?" Candy smirked.
Tiny started to shake and sweat even more until she couldn't take it. "AAAAAAGGGGHHH! FINE, I CONFESS! I told you all I was 29, right!? Well…I LIED! I'M ACTUALLY 19!"
Everyone else shrieked in surprise.
"WHAT!? How the hell is your monkey ass 19 when you're taller and more developed than Dixie, your OLDER sister is!?" Luigi asked.
"It's probably drug abuse. That tends to make you look older. But, weed doesn't, because weed is not a harmful drug, just an FYI," Birdo unnecessarily explained.
"And the award for the most obvious statement of the year goes to…" Daisy groaned.
"Woah woah woah, you've TOLD people you were 29!? Yeah, you must have a fucking age disorder because a lot of people know that I'm 21 and a lot of people also know that you're my YOUNGER sister!" Dixie accused.
"This is so interesting! They could make a movie out of your life, Tiny!" Toadsworth excitedly yelled.
"Geez, and I thought I was desperate to make myself look a different age!" Toodles said.
"Okay, explanation is needed now. Pronto. Snap to it," Wario said.
"I'm just really insecure about my looks, okay!? You know all those models on those magazines, movies, and TV shows? Well, they're all so much older than me yet manage to look amazing all the time so I made myself look as close to them as possible! I got a boob job, some cosmetic surgery to age my face and beautifying it at the same time, and butt implants, because, I'll admit it, I'm too lazy to work out to obtain that Kardashian booty," Tiny revealed.
"Wow. That is all very, VERY sad. No one but human beings should do all that work to their body! You are a disgrace to the monkey race, you…uhh, RACE TRAITOR!" Peach spat.
"Hey! Only monkeys can call other monkeys race traitors, you white privileged, trailer park, spoiled, pasty little girl!" Yoshi retorted.
"Uhh…WTF? Since when do you call the shots on what should or shouldn't be said to a race? Sure, it was obnoxious, but that's her freedom of speech. Also, 'privileged' and 'trailer park' don't belong together in the same sentence, dumbass!" Bowser said.
"Okay then, Tiny, you are a race traitor! There. It's done and said. Try not to end your own life!" Candy snickered at her reveal.
"Tiny…seriously…this is exactly why I didn't want anyone to associate with me being your sister during this trip. You're so embarrassing! I can't risk losing my social cred, you know!" Dixie complained.
"Didn't realize unpopular, side characters had social cred!" Daisy laughed.
"Okay, this has gone on long enough. Tiny, pick someone to truth or dare," Mario said.
"Oh…alright…uhh…Bowser! You were an ass to me so I get to be an ass to you! Truth or dare!" Tiny yelled.
"Oh pfffff! WOW! I am suuuuuuuper scared! Haha! I pick dare!" Bowser laughed, unafraid.
"Okay then! I dare you to makeout with one of the guys here!" Tiny declared. Some gasps were heard and shocked expressions were seen.
"WOW! Being risky tonight, aren't we?" Diddy asked.
"M-make out with one of the guys? Oh..uhh…well…I-I'm not gonna chicken out so I'll take the dare, because, uhh, I'm fearless like that! Yeah! And it doesn't mean I'm gay either!" Bowser awkwardly responded to the dare.
"Oh, now THIS should be interesting!" Daisy said as she got out her phone to record what was about to happen.
"Don't you dare choose me! I have, uhh, garlic breath!" Wario shrieked.
"Like hell I would choose you! YUCK! Not even in my most gay fantasies! Which I, uhh, don't have, because I'm not gay! Obviously!" Bowser nervously said.
"Alright, c'mon Bowser, get this dare overwith so we can move on," Candy said.
"Yo, I ain't homophobic or any shit like that, but if you pick me, I'm gonna have to 'final smash' your ass all the way to the moon!" Luigi threatened.
"Wasn't planning on it, numbnuts," Bowser spat. "Hmm…uhh…I guess I'll pick…DK?"
"You wanna makeout with me? Um, okay! I've never made out with a guy before, but it can't be THAT bad, right!?" DK asked, looking to Diddy.
"What the hell are you looking at me for!? I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND! AND I DON'T SWING IN THAT DIRECTION!" Diddy yelled.
"Yet, it somehow bothers you due to your overreaction. Trust me, after hooking up with so many guys who thought they were straight, I've seen it all. Might also be why your girlfriend is looking 'elsewhere' too…" Candy commented.
"What? What was that about my girlfriend!?" Diddy perked up.
"Alright, DK! Let's get this shit overwith! HERE I COME, STUD!" Bowser grabbed DK and made out with him.
"Ugh, gross! Different species should never intermix like that!" Peach yelled in disgust.
The two were still making out and it got more aggressive as the two fell to the floor, hands all over each other.
"Wow, they're really going at it! Bowser seems to be very into it too. And…wait a second…WHAT THE FUCK!? BOWSER, STOP HUMPING DK! THAT'S NOT WHAT I DARED YOU TO DO! WOAH, BIRDO!? WHY ARE YOU GETTING IN ON THIS ACTION TOO!? THAT'S IT, STOP IT! THE DARE IS OVER! THIS SHIT HAS GONE WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY TOO FUCKING FAR AT THIS POINT! AAAAAGGGHHHHH! I'M NEVER GOING TO UNSEE THAT DISGUSTING THREESOME SHIT!" Tiny screamed in terror.
"…Is it over? Can my eyes be unshielded from whatever horror scene that was?" Wario asked.
"I…um…I'm just gonna delete that video I recorded…" Daisy said, completely stunned by what just taken place.
"Jolly good show! I demand an encore of that fantastic intercourse display!" Toadsworth clapped.
"Hmm. I've seen worse," Mario commented.
"That was AWESOME! Oh, I-I mean, sorry about that guys, got a little carried away there. What? It's not like I actually had sex with him! I was just making 'movements' because I was so…uhh…into…accomplishing my dare! Yeah! Told you I was fearless!" Bowser proudly spoke.
"Goddamnit. I wanted to be on the bottom so DK could be on top of me and Bowser could be on top, riding him!" Birdo pouted.
"That was…oddly arousing…" Yoshi said.
"Wish I could've been given that dare…" Candy grumbled.
"OKAY STOP STOP STOP! THIS IS MORE THAN ENOUGH SEXUAL CONTENT THAN I WANTED TO HAVE FOR THIS WEEKEND! DON'T MAKE ME FUCKING THROW UP AGAIN!" Daisy yelled.
"Yeah, seriously peeps! Let's change to a new game! This shit's getting old!" Luigi criticized.
"What do you have in mind, dear?" Toodles asked.
"Ever heard of the game, 'Never Have I Ever'?" he asked.
"I've personally never heard of it. How do you play it?" Mona asked.
"There are different variations, but the one I always do is like this; one person starts out saying 'Never have I done so-and-so' so, if y'all HAVE done so-and-so, you take a big drink of your beer can, and if you haven't then you just don't. Whoever's beer isn't completely empty by the end of the game wins!" Luigi explained as he passed out some generic beer brand cans to everyone.
"This actually sounds pretty fun! We also get to learn everyone's dirty secrets too. Hehe. Sweet," Diddy said in excitement.
"I'm definitely game, and also wouldn't mind getting drunk. Let's do this thing!" Bowser cheered.
"Wait, let me get my weed out so I can be cross-faded later on," Birdo said.
"Aight, so I'll start it off. We'll go around in a circle. Never have I ever made out with a guy!" Luigi snickered. Birdo, Dixie, Peach, Daisy, Tiny, Candy, Bowser, DK, and Yoshi took a drink.
"HEY, FUCK YOU MAN! THAT'S SUCH A COP OUT!" Bowser growled. Luigi laughed harder.
"So, which guy did you make out with, Yoshi?" Peach asked.
"Kooper, from the first Paper Mario. He swings both ways. He got tipsy at a party and I asked him if he wanted to make out in private and he was all like 'HELLZ TO THE YES!' So, then we made out and had sex for 23 seconds before he fell asleep suddenly. Very disappointing hookup!" Yoshi said.
"AHA! SO THE FAN THEORIES WERE CORRECT!" Bowser shouted.
*Awkward silence*
"Uhh…just shit I saw on the internet by some fanfiction users. NEXT!" Bowser said.
"Okay, let me see here…never have I ever hid a bunch of toenail clippings with my personal belongings!" Daisy wickedly spoke, throwing out a bag of toenail clippings into the middle of the circle. Everyone shrieked in disgust.
"GROSS! Well, on the brighter side, at least they look clean!" Tiny exclaimed.
"Hmm…I've seen worse," Mario commented the same thing again.
"Why are they all plain colored? Doesn't this person know how to paint their toenails and be, you know, NOT boring?" Dixie criticized.
"Whose gorgeous toenails are that!?" Yoshi asked.
"Mona's. Take a drink, sweetheart!" Daisy cackled.
"EWWWWWWWWWWWW! YOU HAVE ISSUES, LADY!" Bowser cried.
"I'm confused now…why would you keep all those? Do you put them in your sandwiches and eat them?" Candy asked.
"Mona…what the hell! I had no idea you did this! Why!?" Wario gasped.
Mona gave an angry glare to Daisy. "You…you went through my stuff, didn't you?"
"Drink, Mona. You know the rules!" Daisy intentionally ignored her accusation, still smirking.
"Can you at least tell us why you do something so bizarre!?" Peach asked.
"It's a bad habit from childhood, okay!? I like the way my toenail clippings look and I just feel weird about throwing them away into the world, so I keep a collection at home. I know, it seems gross, but I find personal enjoyment out of collecting them!" Mona explained.
"YUUUUUUUUUUCK! Looks like you and Wario are definitely meant for each other!" Peach said.
"Ever heard of a TV show called 'My Strange Addiction'? You should audition for that!" Toadsworth happily suggested.
"Well, looks like I'm the only person here who has no disgusting habits. Shame on you lower class folks!" Toodles said hypocritically.
"Mona…geez…what other weird secrets are you keeping from me?" Wario asked in concern.
"I know it's a weird habit, okay!? I mean…do you see why I didn't tell you about this!? Thanks a lot, Daisy!" Mona cried and took a big gulp of her drink.
"Anytime, darling! You can always count on me!" Daisy winked.
"Alright, I'm next! Never have I ever…uhh…been sexually interested in a species different than mine!" Peach said. DK, Bowser, Candy, Yoshi, Birdo, Dixie, Toodles, and Toadsworth took a drink.
"Wow, you're really branding yourself as the racist here, aren't you?" Yoshi asked.
"Alright, I want explanations, NOW!" Daisy demanded.
"I'm sexually interested in human beings! But, none of them want me! Why is that?" DK said in sadness.
"Uhh…BECAUSE YOU'RE A FUCKING APE! You really think someone wants to get screwed by a furry animal or vice-versa?" Wario asked.
"You'd be surprised at how many people are into bestiality," Candy said with a wink.
"Oh no. Please…do NOT go into it. We've had enough gross sexual exploits happen tonight," Daisy said.
"I'm into all kinds of species, bwahahaha! Especially ape- I-I-I-I-I MEAN HUMANS! Y-Yeah, you know, why else would I capture Peach all the time!?" Bowser nervously corrected himself.
"GROOOOOOOOOSS, BOWSER! Who the hell invited your disgusting, reptile ass here anyways!?" Peach pouted.
"YOU DID!" everyone else yelled.
"What!? I…oh shoot, you're all totally right! How could I be so stupid!?" Peach gasped in realization.
"Yo, I really don't think you want any of us to answer that question!" Luigi said.
"I'm into practically everything. Love knows no species, race, sexuality, nor gender," Yoshi said.
"I'll take a hit to that!" Birdo proudly added and took a puff of her blunt.
"I find plenty of other species attractive. Just because I'm a monkey doesn't mean I find only monkeys attractive!" Dixie stated, looking to Yoshi with a smirk.
"Really? I honestly can't imagine myself having those 'feelings' for anyone BUT my own species!" Diddy replied in confusion.
"Toodles and I had a threesome with a Wiggler once! It was quite extraordinary seeing as, with his incredibly long body, how he could penetrate Toodles while at the same time also going down on-"
"OKAY, SERIOUSLY NOW!? HOW MANY FUCKING TIMES DO WE HAVE TO TELL YOU TO KEEP YOUR MOTHERFUCKING SEX STORIES TO YOURSELF!? DO YOU NEED A HEARING AID, YOU OLD COOT!?" Tiny exploded.
"Oh, my dear, you're just jealous because no one has had any desire to pop your cherry yet! Hmm hmm!" Toodles snickered.
"Wait…are you a virgin too!?" Daisy gasped.
"JUST…EVERYONE, SHUT THE HELL UP AND LET'S CONTINUE!" Tiny demanded and sat in a pouting position.
"I guess I'm up. Never have I ever wanted to murder someone in this room," Mario spoke intensely. Everyone looked to him with shocked expressions.
"Daaaaang! Trying to top everyone else, huh, Mister Hero?" Diddy asked.
"Top as in sex, or top as in competition?" Candy asked with a wink.
"The obvious choice, dumbass!" Bowser barked.
"So…the sex one, then?" DK guessed while scratching his head.
"Ooh! Didn't know Mario could get so raunchy!" Birdo said in excitement.
"I'll take a drink to that," Mona said, taking a drink from her while glaring at Daisy.
"Huh! Nice to know you're dating a potential serial killer, Wario!" Daisy said, still keeping her smirk.
"Shut it, Daisy. You really know how to piss someone off to the very core!" Wario angrily stated.
"Not my fault you're so easily bothered by things! You should look into therapy…both of you!" Daisy laughed.
"You know what? I'll take a drink too! I'm having thoughts of murdering Bowser right now because of his disgustingness and overall ugliness!" Peach yelled, taking a big gulp of her beer.
"Seriously, blondie!? You're disgusted by me, yet, you don't mention the fact that these two ancient, wrinkled, and deficient toads did the dirty in your own BED!?" Bowser yelled in shock.
"Geez, it's not like we make a mess of the bed! After we're done, we make the bed like how it was, and clean up any 'stains' and go on our merry way. And then we do it all over again the next day!" Toodles giggled.
"It's the best activity ever! I like it better than bingo!" Toadsworth cheered.
"ANYTHING is better than bingo, so that's not saying much," Dixie commented.
"Ugh…well…I guess you have a point. You two, no more going in my room when I'm gone! Or else…uhh…I'll do something royal about it!" Peach said in uncertainty.
*Cricket noises*
"You should really hire someone to make threats, and pay them 30 coins an hour. That'll put another person in the workforce and live a happy life! Yay for equality!" Yoshi cheered.
"Hiring someone to make threats? Do you even hear yourself sometimes?" Diddy asked, dumbfounded.
"Okay, next person! Come on, enough screwing around!" Mona called out.
"I'm next! Huzzah! Never have I ever harmed myself on purpose!" Toadsworth spoke.
"Ooh…another dark one! This shit is getting really good!" Luigi said excitedly.
Bowser hesitantly took a gulp of his beer. "Fuck…alright, here's the gist, I used to be emo when I was younger and thought cutting myself would make me look edgy and part of the emo crowd. But I don't do it anymore because, obviously, that shit hurts!"
"HAHA! Why does you being emo not surprise me in the slightest!?" Daisy laughed.
"Because you're a judgmental hoe!" Bowser snapped. Gasps were heard.
"YOU FUCKER! I'LL RIP THOSE TEETH OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND MAKE YOU SWALLOW IT ALONG WITH YOUR BLOOD!" Daisy screamed.
"Well…shit, Bowser ain't lying 'bout Daisy being a judgmental hoe…" Luigi whispered.
"Speaking of this, are we ever gonna have an actual fight happen anytime soon? And no, that shitty catfight between Wario and Daisy earlier today doesn't count!" Yoshi exclaimed.
"How was that a catfight!? I smothered her face with my ass, you green turd!" Wario yelled.
"Sounds like something we should try out in the bedroom, Toadsworth!" Toodles winked.
"OKAY, JUST STOP! Anyone else hurt themselves on purpose!?" Mona groaned.
Mario took a drink. "I have. I cut myself to try out a blood ritual in order to summon a demon to place a bad luck curse on Merlon, that psychic guy, for incorrectly telling me that I'd win the jackpot at the casino, but I only won 5 coins. The curse didn't work though."
*Awkward silence*
"Uhh…ever thought of being a villain, my dear boy!?" Toadsworth asked in surprise.
"I would've done the same thing, maaaan," Birdo said as she took another hit.
"Oh my, Mario! I had no idea you could be so dark and risky! And yet, why am I so turned on right now?" Peach asked outloud.
"Because, princess blondie, every girl secretly desires a little bad in their man. It's in a woman's nature," Wario said.
"Says the misogynistic man who knows NOTHING about women!" Yoshi spat.
"HEY! He's never said anything misogynistic! Quit the buzzword insults!" Mona yelled.
"Let's move on to me now! I've got a brilliant one!" Candy said with a huge smirk. "Never have I ever…cheated on my significant other!"
Mario, Luigi, Peach, Yoshi, Birdo, DK, Dixie, Toodles, and Toadsworth all took drinks from the cans, shocking the life out of the others.
"WAIT A SECOND! WHAT THE FUCK, LUIGI!?" Daisy screamed.
"Yo, sorry Dais, but I may as well confess this shit now! I got drunk as hell that night at Peach's birthday party to the point where I madeout with Peach, but I thought it was you! We ended up getting to the bedroom and, well, shit! Do I need to further explain?" Luigi said.
"Yeah! I was just as drunk as he was, Daisy! I thought it was Mario that was making out with me and taking me to bed! They look EXACTLY the same, you know!" Peach cried.
"NO, THEY DON'T!" Everyone else yelled.
"I was also drunk at that party and slept with Rosalina that night, who I thought was Peach. When she lied on top of me, I thought I was going to suffocate to death," Mario creepily added.
"Wait a second…so…Luigi, you slept with Peach, thinking it was Daisy…Peach, you slept with Luigi, thinking it was Mario…and Mario, you slept with Rosalina, thinking it was Peach!? What the fuck is wrong with you people!? Even if you were wasted, you'd still be able to tell who was who!" Mona pointed out.
"YEAH! FOR ONE THING, MY HAIR IS REDDISH-BROWN, NOT BLONDE YOU DUMBASS! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU FUCKING MORONS! I'LL NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR THIS!" Daisy began to cry and stomped off into the kitchen.
"Birdo and I have an open relationship, so that's why we took a drink," Yoshi explained their case.
"Monogamous relationships are a thing of the past, maaaaan," Birdo spoke, beginning to feel high.
"You two resemble everything that's wrong with the world today," Wario said.
"Candy, I find it VERY hard to believe that you've never cheated on any of your boyfriends before!" Tiny spat.
"That's because I haven't. The most I've done is hookup with random guys. I have SOME standards, you know," Candy clarified. "Besides, if it makes you feel better, there ARE guys with girlfriends that come to me for some 'fun.' It's their choice, who am I to tell them that they can't just because they have a girlfriend? To be fair though, every single guy with a girlfriend that came to me had soooo many issues and stress with their relationships, and sometimes, cheating helped! Gotta look at the positives, sweetheart!"
"Toodles and Toadsworth? What about you guys?" Bowser asked.
"I cheated on Toadsworth with that celebrity, Zip Toad, a while back. He was fantastic in bed but as soon as I found out that his net worth was a million coins less than Toadsworth's, I spat in his face and left, never talking to him again and blocked him on all my social media accounts. The fact I slept with someone so beneath my exponentially high standards makes me wanna puke my insides out," Toodles told her story with fear.
"Yes yes, and I also cheated on Toodles with Madame Flurrie one time too! She needed a sugar daddy because she spent all her money from her B-movies on liposuction and wasn't able to make rent so we did some stuff but then she blew me off later after she got a new, richer sugar daddy named Chuck Quizmo, who makes money from those evil Jeopardy shows he hosts!" Toadsworth exclaimed.
"Uhh…Chuck doesn't host Jeopardy, he hosts The Daily Quiz Show. Anyways…Dixie! I saw you take a drink, who did you cheat on Diddy with?" Bowser asked.
"Wait, what!? Dixie…" Diddy shrieked.
"Oh! Shit! Um, sorry, I was just drinking my cup completely NOT in tune with the 'Never Have I Ever' statement. Had nothing to do with that! It was just a drink all by myself! Does that make sense?" Dixie panicked.
"…Uh huh…" Diddy gave her a dirty look, making Dixie think that he didn't buy it.
"Okay, I wanna go on to another game now, something more challenging! HIDE AND SEEK!" Peach cheered.
"What the hell, why!? This game was getting so damn interesting! Besides, that game is meant for little kids!" Wario protested.
"Certain games being only for kids is a social construct, you know," Yoshi stated.
"Wanna know what else is a social construct? Shoving my pointy fingernails up your asshole!" Bowser yelled.
"Geeeez, Bowser! You've been at me all night long! I mean, if you REALLY wanna go that far, we can just head to the bedroom and get it on! Just be direct already!" Yoshi giggled.
"WHAT!? THAT'S NOT WHAT I FUCKING MEANT YOU DUMBASS! GAAAAH! THAT'S IT, WE'RE PLAYING HIDE AND SEEK SO I CAN GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM THIS SEX-CRAZED LOSER!" Bowser shrilled.
"Oh yay! It's settled then! So, to make this game even more fun and challenging, we'll play out in the woods! Who wants to be the seeker?" Peach asked.
No one raised their hand.
"Really, out in the woods? That humongous area? It's gonna take forever to find everyone!" Mona pointed out.
"Uhh, that's the whole point of hide and seek! DUH!" Peach exclaimed stupidly. Everyone else rolled their eyes at her.
"I'll do it! Cause none of y'all wusses wanna be the dominator in the house! Daisy, you joining!?" Luigi called out.
"NO! FUCK YOU!" Daisy shouted from the kitchen.
"Alrighty then! I'm a count down from 60 and y'all hide wherever the hell you wanna hide in those creepy ass woods! GO!" Luigi said and everyone else ran out the door and spread out into the woods. Luigi walked to the doorway, closed his eyes, and began counting down.
"60…59…58…57…56…55…54…53…"
The sound of footsteps was heard.
"HEY! You better not hide so close to me or else your ass will be found immediately! Don't be a dummy!" Luigi yelled with his eyes still closed. "Now then…52…51…50…"
He stopped counting as his airway was suddenly blocked by a gigantic head. He opened his eyes to see a tall, muscular, and masked koopa grabbing him and lifting him in the air against the wall of the house with just the one hand. Luigi flailed his whole body in hopes of getting away, but this person was just too strong. The masked koopa stabbed Luigi in the chest, and made a downwards slit on his torso all the way to his waistline, spilling out much blood and guts. Luigi couldn't even scream in his immense pain since his throat was still being clenched. He then stopped moving after a few seconds and shut his eyes. The koopa threw his body to the ground and headed into the woods.
EOC.
So, the next 2/3 chapters after this one will be uploaded weekly AND will be much shorter than this chapter (see my profile for more info). The reason this chapter is so big is because I wanted the group to get a whole bunch of 'screentime' before the killings become much quicker paced, which they will be for the rest of the story. Next chapter, three characters will die. See you exactly one week from now!
