Needing Strength
As those thoughts invaded her mind, Lexa could not stop them from growing, she could not stop herself from believing in them. What other explanation would there be for everything she lost? What else could possibly explain why she had to keep losing everyone she cared about? It was as if she was cursed. As if she was meant to bring pain and destruction to those that came in contact and came to care for her. There was no other way to see it, especially after the newest demonstration. If Lexa were to see Clarke after tonight, she knew destruction is exactly what she would see reflec5ted in those blue eyes, along with hate, disgust and pain.
The idea that she broke something in Clarke that may never be fixed, that she hurt the girl beyond repair, that she brought a pain that couldn't be forgotten, it twisted even further the knife that had been stabbed in her heart the moment she took the deal. She would take all the pain in the world if it meant she could protect Clarke from it and to think that she was the reason behind that pain was excruciating and for that, Lexa reached for the bottle of wine and drank directly from it until there was nothing left before asking the guards standing outside to bring her more bottles and at that moment, Indra entered the tent, looked at her and the glass broken by the floor and sighed.
"You haven't drunk this much since that night," Indra said and they both knew she was talking about the night after she accepted the Ice Nation into her Coalition standing in front of the Queen and accepting her pledge instead of striking her dead for what she took from Lexa.
"I haven't felt so miserably incapable of doing what I wanted since that night. Am I cursed, Indra? Am I selfish or am I simply blind to see that getting close to people is the same as giving them a death sentence? " Lexa turned to look at the warrior, "Everyone that has dared care about me has died, one after the other. You're the only who hasn't yet and if you don't pull away, that will be your end too," Lexa said and the woman looked at her.
"Everyone dies of something at some point. It is the only certainty in life, that we will die," Indra said to the girl trying to offer some comfort but Lexa just shook her head.
"Yes, but I am the reason of every single one of their deaths. I loved Costia and Nia killed her because of it. We both know she knew that Costia didn't know my secrets, she knew I wouldn't have told them to anyone. Not even Titus knows them. You know that the only reason that she had her kidnapped and killed was to break me. She wanted me to go to war, break the Coalition, she wanted me to lash out so she could strike me and kill me," Lexa said to the woman who nodded.
"I cared about Anya but after she chose to leave Polis when we had that fight, I sent her to deal with the Sky People and sentenced for her to die. I should have never said the things I said to her that day. I was angry and I lashed out at her and I shouldn't have. I should have never let her leave, I should have apologized but I didn't. Instead, I gave the control of her unit and the mission to Tristan. I know I hurt her doing that. She would have wanted to prove herself to me again, to show that I could trust her and she died for it,"
"Gustus was there when I won my Conclave. He was the first person I trusted to be loyal to me besides you and Anya. And every day he proved to me that I hadn't been wrong to do that, that he would protect me and keep me safe, that he would be there for me, that he would stay. His loyalty to me was his doom. He wanted to protect me from the Sky People even if meant disobeying my orders. He only wanted me to be safe and I killed him for it. I drove my sword into his heart and I know he didn't blame me for it," Lexa said as tears started falling down on her face as Indra just listened.
"I don't even have to mention Kristian, you know every well how that went, how he lost his life because I was once again inconsequential and careless about what my actions cause to other people. So tell me Indra, what exactly am I? Selfish, blind or poisonous? Or am I all three of the above and worse? Because right now, that is exactly what it feels like," She said and sighed.
"You are neither one of those things, Lexa. You have never been selfish, blind or poisonous," Indra said and Lexa looked at her general as the woman continued, "You have been one of the strongest people I have known in my life but that doesn't mean you are not allowed to be hurt with all that you've lost. I understand what you said but you know that Gustus, Anya and Costia never regretted caring about you," Indra said.
"Anya was my second and I knew her well. She cared for you as one would do to their little sister. She saw so much of herself in you, you were both so much alike. She was always so proud of you that I know that if she had to die for you, she would do so gladly. Gustus and Costia were no different. They loved the person you are, not what title you have, they would have sacrificed anything for you because their feelings for you were strong and real. As you said, we don't even need to mention Kristian," She finished and Lexa was still staring at her.
"How many more people will I have to lose, Indra? Can't I for once just have something that is mine, not the Commander's but Lexa's, without having it taken from me one way or another?" Lexa asked with sadness in her voice and Indra looked at her.
"I don't know if you can but I do know one thing, you deserve it. I am sorry that you had to leave Clarke behind. I was not sure how much you came to care for the girl but I am sorry either way," She said and Lexa shook her head.
"She will never forgive me, will she? I am not even sure she should or if I deserve it. Probably not," Lexa said and asked Indra but neither one of them was expecting an answer to that question. They both knew that the betrayal would weigh heavily on both girls.
Lexa turned her back to Indra and faced her throne and what it represented. She thought about her conclave and what she did to have the right to sit in that throne, those she killed for the right to call it hers. She thought what if she had died and one of them had been Commander instead? What if it was Bron or Dylan sitting in that throne? Would they be right now facing the same crisis she was? Would they have the same complaints as she does? Would they accept it or would they break from the weight of it all? She didn't know.
What she did know now as she knew then was that they wouldn't have accomplished everything she did, their people would still be at war with each other and who knows what would have happened to the Sky People had they been in command, if they had simply wiped them out instead of hearing them out. With those thoughts in mind, Lexa straightened her posture and with heavy but determinate steps she walked up to it and sat down and looked directly at Indra who had been watching her.
"I swore an oath the moment I took this throne and the Flame and although at times it gets hard, I do not regret it. This throne, this title, this burden has always been mine to bear. Even when I am as broken as I am now, I know I made the right decision in the Conclave and I know I made the right decision now. I chose to give up Lexa's desires and chose to let the Commander be born and I will not weaken my resolve now, too many have died for it and I will not let their sacrifices, their deaths been in vain. There would be no greater dishonor I could bestow upon them," Lexa said firmly.
"Spoken like a true Commander," Indra said admiring the strength and the intelligence of the girl standing in front of her and Lexa nodded.
"I am a true Commander," She said and continued, "Tonight, I will break down and cry what needs to cried. I will feel what needs to be felt. I will let the pain consume me until I can feel nothing else. I will let regret weigh me down until I feel like I can never get rid of it. I will be as weak as I know how to be," Lexa sighed before continuing,
"But tomorrow, as the sun rises and announces a new day to come, I will be back on my feet and together, we will care for those we have rescued and deal with whatever comes next," She said with determination.
"Wise choice, Commander," Indra said nodding her head.
"It is. However, I fear I need to ask you for one more favor besides listening to my cries and complaints," Lexa said to her and Indra nodded, "Get London here."
Indra nodded at that before excusing herself and moving out of the Commander's tent in search of the woman. London was the one responsible for the Trikru's tattoos and calling for her could only mean that Lexa wanted a new one. She had inkling on what the Commander wanted with that, given everything they had been talking about but it was not her place to mention it or question it so all the general did was what was asked of her.
Lexa was still seating in her throne but this time, she had a scroll on her hand as she drew the tattoo she wanted. Commander did not take kill marks because there would no space for the amount of deaths they have on their hands but Lexa found that at least with tattoos she could honor those she had lost, which is why she has a tattoo on her back in the memory of her fellow novitiates that died when she was chosen by the Spirit of the Commander. All but Luna who was very much still alive and did exactly what her brother wanted her to do. Live.
She was finished with the drawing, she wasn't as skilled at it as Clarke but she could do enough with paper and charcoal to be considered basic. It was one of the lessons she had as a nightblood, to draw maps of the clans by memory so she wasn't that bad. Ryder called out from the outside of the tent and she looked up. "If it is London, send her in," She called out and soon enough, the flaps of her tent were pulled and the old woman entered with her kit in one hand as she came to stop in front of her and bowed.
"Commander." She said respectfully.
Lexa came down from her throne to stand in front of the woman, "I need you to make me a tattoo, here is the design," She said passing the paper to the woman who took a look at it.
"It's beautiful. Where do you want it?" London asked and Lexa pointed to the space in the middle of her chest. "Very well. You should lay down so you can be more comfortable," She instructed and Lexa did that while the woman prepared her tools. Lexa took her shirt and her chest biding, being naked from the waist up, not that she minded.
"Do you want to change anything or should I start, Heda?" The woman asked once she sat down on a chair by the side of her makeshift bed.
"Go ahead," Lexa answered and the woman nodded as she started
Lexa just closed her eyes, the pain was nothing to her, she was quite used to it so much that it didn't bother her at all. If the one on her back was to honor those she had killed to be the Commander, than this one on the front was to symbolize who had been hurt or killed because of her. Costia, Anya, Gustus, Kristian, and now Clarke. She would have a physical reminder of everything they did or meant for her and that she was very lucky to have met all of them, even if they have left her. It took a couple of hours but soon, the tattoo was finished.
"It's done. I hope you like it, Commander," London said and Lexa grabbed the mirror she used to apply her war paint and looked at it. It was exactly as she expected and wanted it to be.
"You have done an amazing job, London. Thank you," Lexa said looking at the woman.
"Not at all, it was my pleasure to help you and I am content that you have enjoyed it," She spoke bowing slightly in respect and Lexa nodded.
"I did, very much. Your work is very beautiful and well done," Lexa said praising the woman and the Trikru artist nodded.
"Well, you know how to take care of it. It will take about 5 days before it is healed but until then keep it covered, including from the sun," London instructed Lexa to do and she nodded. She had other tattoos so she knew the healing process of it.
"Very well, is there anything else I can help you with Commander?" London asked her and Lexa shook her head at the woman.
"No, thank you, London. Your services are not required, you may be excused to go," Lexa said to her in a grateful tone and the woman nodded.
"I understand. If you excuse me," She said smiling as she finished locking her stuff before she looked at the Commander and left her tent as Lexa stood up and put on her shirt back before walking out of her private area and went back to the main part of the tent and went to sit down on her throne since she knew there was no way she would be able to sleep that night. She would just have to wait for the sun to rise.
She wondered what could be happening inside the Mountain? What has Clarke decided to do? Is she alive, dead, imprisoned, free? What was becoming of the girl whom made her question everything she knew about herself, about her duties? She had envied Lincoln, for having the freedom of choosing his own path, the path that would lead him back to the woman he loved. She had no such privileges, she wouldn't have them for as long as she was Commander and unless she died, she didn't plan on relinquishing that part of her.
Even if it sometimes what it demands of her comes close to breaking her completely, she still didn't regret what her choice was 10 years ago. She chose her people above everything, above herself, above the lives of the novitiates, some of whom she considered friends. She chose her people over vengeance, she chose her people over the girl she was in love with and Lexa knew that whatever came next, she would choose her people over anything again and again and as many times as it was required from her to do it.
However she could not help but wonder what would have happened had she stayed? What would have happened to Clarke? And one thing was for sure, she would have lost more people than she would be okay with. Her people were already dying just trying to get inside, what would have happened once they got in? Would all the people that survived have survived then if she had stayed? Probably not. Too many of them would have died and instead of punishing herself for leaving Clarke behind, she would be punishing herself for letting her people die when she could have stopped it if she had taken the deal.
There was no good choice for either of them. One way or another, people would have to be sacrificed. Either hers, Clarke's or the Mountain's, one of them would have to die for the other two to survive. She wondered who might have won now that she pulled back. Something told her that Clarke would find a way to free her people, but she also knew that it would take too much for her to achieve that and she hoped Clarke would be okay, somehow, someway. She dared not hope for her forgiveness but she hoped that at least Clarke could understand her and know that she did care about her and her people, even if she couldn't have chosen them.
She closed her eyes, taking a deep breath and trying to calm her heart and her mind from the emotions were swirling inside. She knew, that whatever news she received tomorrow in the morning would dictate what would be of their relationship with the Sky People and she just hoped that both Clarke and herself would make the best choice for both of their people. Because Lexa was sure, that if it came down to war between them, she would never kill Clarke or allow anyone to harm her, she wondered if Clarke would feel the same, if she would also not be able to kill Lexa if they faced each other on the battle field. She hoped but she didn't know the answer to that.
At least, not anymore.
