Thursday


What is wrong with me?

That's the only thing going through my head as I stand outside the house of the asshole who made my life miserable for almost two years. I was like a mouse that kept scurrying into the trap. Addicted to the taste of cheese, too stupid to realize I was just going to end up with a broken neck. I couldn't win, because I'm not the kind of person who wins.

For a split second I retrace my steps. This was the week four since I met the anomaly named Jade. After getting frozen ice, she asked me if I could come back over soon. And I had, almost every day. I didn't want to be home, to listen to either silence or drunken rambling. Avoiding the bruises and getting to see what life was like on the rich side of town made me feel like I'd almost lucked out.

Today had been a particular nice day. I was in the kitchen with Jade, cutting up a banana to put in the blender. I was making a Sweet Tart Greenie, one of the best smoothie's I'd ever had. My mom used to make these in the morning before she'd go out jogging. Trina and I convinced, more like nagged, her to make us some too. She only agreed if we got up early enough, which got harder as we grew older and lazier, but it had been a nice treat every once in a while. I remember Trina made them every morning for a whole six months after mom left, as if making her favorite smoothie would bring her back. It never did, and last time I asked her if she wanted one she told me off pretty good, and I never brought it up again.

"It looks nasty," Jade mumbled, furrowing her brow at the green tint of the smoothie as I started to blend it.

"Trust me, it isn't. You liked the last one, remember?" The time we've spent over the last two weeks I'd realize Jade liked to complain, like she was born with a predisposed negative attitude. I feel like I should be wondering which parent she got it from, but their absence told me it honestly didn't even matter.

Thinking of her parents, I found it odd I hadn't seen either one of them, and I'd been at the house almost every day. Whenever I asked Jade, she would just shrug dismissively, like they were just abstract concepts of an idea. I also hadn't seen this supposed 'nanny' either, and only had a glimpse or two of the butler. The only consistent adult in her life seemed to be Maria, kind-hearted but seemingly always in the throes of some rant or in a hurry to move on to the next task.

"Whatever."

I knew that was going to be the best response I got no matter what I said, so I took it. I added some orange juice to tart up the smoothie and blended for another minute before pouring us both a glass. I hated the dishes in this house. They didn't just look priceless, but they felt weird and foreign in my hands. I felt like I had to hold my pinkie up while drinking in short, delicate sips.

I could tell the nine-year-old liked it the second she took her first sip. Her cheeks flushed and she nodded her approval. She asked me what I had put in the smoothie and as soon as I started explaining, Maria walked in, looking flustered as usual.

"Oh, Lord, another mess."

My cheeks reddened a bit. "Oh don't worry, I will clean it up."

Waving her hand dismissively she walked to the broom cupboard. "Don't worry about it, I've also got to polish the silver now." She paused and glanced at the window over the sink. "It's so nice out. Why don't you two go to the greenhouse and water the plants for me?"

Polish the silver? Geez, it was like living in the 60s in this house.

"You have a greenhouse?"

"Yes. I'm surprised Ms. Jadelyn hasn't told you." I glance at Jade and she shrugs, downing her drink down in three more gulps.

"I'll show you. Come on."

I glance at Maria. "You sure you don't need any help?"

"No, nina, I'm better when I work by myself. I can do it the way I like it."

I don't know why I let myself think it, but I remembered Trina, always thinking things had to be done her way, and she would do it herself so they would always be like that. It hurt every time I thought of her. This wasn't a whole new pain either. Abandonment seemed to always take a hold on my life. Like a knife wound my mom caused, that never really healed, and Trina just reopened it, while my dad just probed at it roughly like it was a toy.

"Thanks." I hurry after Jade, who is already out the back door.

I hadn't been out here much. There had to be about an acre of land back here. A large pool and Jacuzzi near a pool house bigger than my own home, a separate, burke gazette with fancy furniture. A path led us around nicely trimmed, 6 foot bushes that led us to a green dome, large glass windows that provided unlimited sunlight to the inside.

"How did I never see this?"

She doesn't respond, just leads me inside. It smells like the gardening section in Walmart, but sweeter, and had a 'homey' kind of feel. I could see citrus fruits and peaches being grown, and the place had a strong hint of strawberries and something that reminded me of honey nuts.

"These are mine." Jade stops in the middle of the greenhouse, pulling out a stepping stool from under the table and using it to give her a better view of the plants she was pointing out at me. They were five-petaled flowers, brimming with life. Some were white, some were red, each green stalk holding like four or five of the flowers on them.

"What kind of flowers are they?"

"Chinese Hibiscus." She pulled out the watering can from under the table. "They need a lot of water to stay alive."

"Are they your favorite?"

"Yeah, my grandma bought the seeds for me last year before she went to Europe."

I blinked at her even though she wasn't looking at me. She hadn't mentioned her grandmother before.

"When's she coming back?"

Jade just shrugged, still avoiding eye contact. I knew that feeling, so I decided to drop it.

I just stared as she continued to water the flowers. They were needy and dependent, but gorgeous when giving the attention they need. Almost like how people worked. You nurture them as children, give them everything they need and want to grow, and then one day, they're beautiful thriving flowers, but then they are dependent forever. Stuck relying on others to say so beautiful, to stay alive. It was a vicious, addictive cycle. The parasite and its host, covering up its sick intentions with pretty colors and distractingly good aromas.

"You should water the violets."

I snap out of my daze. "Uh, yeah, sure." I start working my way down the row of flowers in the green house. Blue and purple violets, lilies, orchids, chenille's, and various others I couldn't even think to name. Then there were the vegetables that grew. Peppers and tomatoes that looked delicious. And over the next hour I found myself lost among the simplistic, sereneness of the greenhouse. Jade is telling me about all the different plants she's helped Maria grow and it's the most she's ever spoken since I met her. I feel warm and comfortable while I help tend to the mystical garden. If I ever had the money, I would commit to building one in my own background. It was therapeutic without the scary doctors and the nauseating medications.

Then my phone beeps, and I'm ripped from a happy place I didn't know existed. Jade's close to the floor, pulling ripe tomatoes from their homes and putting them in a handmade basket Maria gave her. I look at my phone, almost expecting it to be dad, home for lunch and wondering where I am or why I haven't made him food, and kind of wanting it to be Trina, telling me she's had it with the asshole she ran off with and was headed home, and irrationally speculated it could be my mom, telling me she missed me and wants to meet up for coffee somewhere and she'd tell me about how awful her life was without me in it. But that would imply any of them cared to think of me, even for split second.

What an imagination, right?

Hey, babe. Miss you. Come to my place for a bit?

Ryder had texted. For the first time since he broke up with me. A slew of emotions hit me, starting with anger and annoyance, and inevitably ending in a painful void that plagued me like a lifelong predisposition that you're just born with.

Now?

Yeah, I need to see you.

I should say no. I need to say know. But he hadn't even hesitated to text me, and it made me feel good because he was thinking about me and he wanted me. And rationally I knew it was just tying my neck into the noose I watch him put out in front of me, but I always step in it like an idiot. Because he wanted me too. I was disposable, I always had been, to every single person I'd ever met. And the last words Trina had said to me rang through my head again. Stop letting guys use you, Tori. Stand up for yourself. Don't just lie on your back for attention. You don't need it. Be strong for once in your fucking life.

Be there in 20.

But I wasn't strong. Not at all.

"Hey, Jade?"

She looks up from examining a tomato in her hand. "Yeah?"

"Um, I, have to go."

I'm disposable. Like washed up trash on the beach. Just because I'm here in this beautiful greenhouse next to an amazing pool house on the grounds of a palace doesn't mean I'm all of a sudden a different person.

"Really? Why?" She frowned, blue eyes staring bullet holes into my body. I couldn't help but think if she was older and knew exactly the type of person I was she wouldn't like me.

"Um, my dad… wants me to bring him lunch." I'm a bad liar.

"But he's mean to you? Why would you do that?"

She's right. He is mean to me.

They all were.

I shrug. "I have to. Don't really have a choice."

"Are you going to come back?"

I wanted to say yes. But I thought about it, and Jade. I shouldn't be around her. I don't even know why I was. I'm poison, like oil drums in an ocean. I would just corrupt her, and take away all that beautiful innocence she had. I'd drown those gorgeous blue eyes in with my black, toxic liquid and kill anything beautiful and living within it. It would be wrong to be that selfish. She didn't deserve it.

"I don't know. I, uh, have a lot of stuff to do." I clear my throat, because those walls are enclosing me again. "And school is starting soon. I'll, uh, see, okay?"

Jade doesn't show a lot of emotion, not like she ever has, but I could tell she was angry. But she doesn't try to convince me otherwise. She turns back to her tomatoes and refuses to acknowledge me anymore.

I sigh, turning and exiting the greenhouse and down the path and out to the front gate. As I depart, I secretly wish I was someone else, someone who had been tended to like the flowers in the garden. Someone who didn't let everybody down, and let people walk all over her, and listen to the demons in her head.

Anyone else.

Break~~

"Oh, fuck, Tori!"

Ryder moaned loudly as he picked up the pace. I whimpered and clutched on to his black sheets as he pounded me from behind into his bed. Deep down, I knew I wasn't coming here just to talk. That would be utterly naïve of me, even though that was practically my middle name. and as I started to feel the buildup in my lower stomach, I was kind of glad we weren't just talking right now.

"Don't stop," I groaned. Maybe it was because it was because it had been over two weeks but he was driving me over the end faster than usual. I reached under me with my hand and started to massage my clit. That combined with his thrusts only made it seconds before I orgasmed. It wasn't long after that his thrust became faster and more erratic, before he came too.

"Shit," he sighed, letting himself fall on the bed next to me.

I turn to look at him, realizing something. "Uh, dude, did you pull out?"

He doesn't answer me right away. He pulls a cigarette out of a pack of Camel on his nightstand and lights it, staring at the ceiling and pulling a long drag.

His whole room smelt of cigarettes and weed. It clung to the walls like the chipping blue paint that clung to the plaster. It had only been a month, but I was feeling some sort of nostalgia being here again. The same black sheets on the bed he's had since I've met him, the window that only showed an adjacent brick building a few feet away, Korn playing from down the hall in his brother's room. It's almost nostalgic, if you could apply that word to this place.

"Dude."

He sighs, putting his cigarette in its ashtray and rolling over to pull me into his arms. "Why are you always bugging? I know you're on the shot."

I huffed, but didn't pull away. "Yeah, but it's nasty." I could feel him dripping down my inner thigh and I knew I was going to have to shower before I did anything else.

"Yeah, but you already knew I like it nasty so don't even pretend." He kissed me and I forced myself to kiss him back. I thought I was going to come back and fall all the way in love again but no matter what we did or how hard I tried, I wasn't feeling the same way I had before. If I recall it honestly, I never really bothered paying attention to my feelings before, but something had me analyzing every little bit of emotion that came over me and I didn't have any instruction book or google search to help me figure out what they were or why I was feeling them.

"So, who was it?"

I look into his eyes and I can't read them, but that was normal. "Who was what?"

"The guy you were with." I still respond with a puzzled look and he scoffed. "Don't lie to me. You're acting different. I can tell."

So could I.

"No, it was no one. I haven't been with anyone else." My mind runs back to Jade, picking tomatoes in her greenhouse all alone because I'd just… left. For him, for whatever this was. "I was just waiting for you to come back to your senses," I half joked, breaking eye contact.

He chuckled and pulled away, grabbing his phone and half burnt out cigarette off the side table. "I bet he sucked in bed. It's okay though. I've kept you around the longest 'cuz those other bitches aren't as fun as you."

In the end he always chose me. No matter how hot or smart the next girl he hooked up with was, he'd always want me to come back around. I'm convinced that's what love is. Just someone who came back, because everyone else just left.

I look back at Ryder, the snake and cross ink on his arm that I always thought was a stupid tattoo. He wasn't particularly religious, and he hated snakes. As he texted on his phone I reached out and caressed the muscles his tattoo sat across. I wish I wasn't questioning myself right now. I wanted to be ignorantly content in his bed after sex like I used to be. But I was thinking of someone else, a young child that had penetrated every thought in my mind. Why was I so hung on her? Why can't I let her go?

"Hey," he said, interrupting my train of thought and turning to look at me. "Earl and JT are coming over in an hour to smoke. You tryna stay?"

Every time I thought about Earl my stomach got into a twist. He was always trying to flirt and touch me when Ryder wasn't looking. He was also disgusting and rude, having no respect for anyone and just said things that always rubbed me the wrong way. I know Ryder got his weed and got a cut of whatever Earl sold out his house but I don't even know why JT hung out with him, because JT was albeit a little weird, but really nice and a bit quiet. Earl was just so fucking obnoxious.

Still, I knew if I left I wouldn't want to go home, and the place where my feet would take me is the last place I needed to be at.

"Yeah, I'll stay. Let me hop in the shower."

Two Weeks Later*

"Come on, Tori, just a little peak. Your tits are so fucking sweet."

I rolled my eyes again and sipped on a Miller Lite. I stared around the campfire in the back of Ryder's yard and the people that hung around it just drinking and smoking. Just another party Ryder was having at his place, not uncommon. I wasn't exactly friends with any of them, just causal acquaintances, so I had no one to really run to as Earl continued to harass me. And the bright moonlight mixed with the embers from the campfire made it so I couldn't exactly hide among the crowd.

I looked back at him and wondered if he had ever been with a girl before. Short in stature, he had a fuzzy brown beard that I guess made up for the fact he was completely bald. He wore a dirty plaid shirt and old baggy jeans and reminded me of someone who'd be a background character from that incest family from The Hills Have Eyes. I shivered in my homemade sports jersey with my last name on it. My day had made one for Trina and I when we were younger and he took us to football games. It was one of the few things that still had some silly sentimental value to it.

I had pretty much just been crashing at Ryder's the last couple of days. I had only gone home once to get some clothes and make sure my dad hadn't died of liver failure on the couch. And I hadn't gone back to see Jade, even though I had been tempted more times that I'd like to admit.

"Drop it, Earl."

"Aw, babe," he leaned closer in his lawn chair and his breath that reeked of alcohol and bad hygiene almost knocked me out of mine. "I know you want me. Want to go somewhere and I'll show you how big my dick is."

"Okay, I'm done." I put my beer on the ground, deciding to leave before I threw up in front of a bunch of people from school and embarrass myself.

I walk past groups of friends who are swaying and laughing, some playing beer pong and others dancing, chattering about what classes they'll be in next semester and who's dating who. I almost wish I had that, a group of friends I could just enjoy being around, but my reputation didn't help retain friends. Jealous girls didn't want me around their boyfriends and guys just expected sex. It was just easier to keep my distance. Things I want just aren't plausible scenarios for me. My life has been flatlining since I was birthed but I never stopped breathing. How'd it all go so wrong?

I enter the back door and headed down the hall towards the kitchen. The weather was nice so everyone was hanging outside. I should have hid inside in the first place. Maybe I'd catch Ryder somewhere and I could tell him to put Earl in check and I could go upstairs and sleep in peace.

My search was fruitless however, and it ended toward the front of the house in the kitchen, where I saw only one person, a guy with short dreads and a nice build pouring tap water from the sink into a red solo cup. He noticed and smiled, turning the faucet off to greet me, but paused to stare at my jersey.

"Vega?"

"It's my last name."

"Makes sense," he backed away a bit from the sink. "I in your way?"

I shook my head. "No, just looking for, Ryder. Have you seen him?"

"The mean looking guy? Dark hair and black leather jacket?"

"You're not one of his friends?"

"You are? Sorry, but I don't usually hang with dudes that dress for winter dead summer," he laughed, drinking his water. "Nah, not his friend. I'm actually from Eastwood. Just came here 'cuz a friend invited me. I'm the DD, hence the water," he winked to his cup. I don't know why, but I liked his genuine face and sincere attitude. It was different from everyone else.

"Points for safe driving, Mr. Eastwood," I say, coming closer to sit on the counter next to me. "So you really from Eastwood? What year?"

"I just graduated, actually," he announced, sounding proud with a smile to match. "Actually headed off to Georgetown University to study music."

"That's so cool. Wish I could go somewhere far away like that."

"Why don't you?"

I saw he in his eyes he really wanted to know. I didn't really have an answer. I just always imagined I'd be stuck here, alone. Besides, I never really looked toward the future. The present already sucked enough.

"I don't know. Just, don't know how. I'm going to be a senior and I don't even know what to do with my life or who I want to be. I'm not that smart either, so I guess its just… not for me."

He scoffed. "You sound like you've already given up."

"Maybe I have?"

He was silent for the minute, the only noise between us was the thumping from the base of the stereo outside and the blood rushing to my ears. I was embarrassed to suck this much, but I couldn't help it I'd always be this way.

"You know, when I look at you," he started, voice firm, but really soft, "I can tell you don't belong here."

"It's LA, doesn't everyone belong."

"Not just LA, but here. Why are you here? At this party, in this house, friends with the asshole in the leather jacket?"

I turned away, feeling irritated because I didn't have an answer and I hated he saw right through me.

"Why do you care?"

"I shouldn't, should i?" I look back at him, hoping id see someone who had finally given up on me like everyone else, but instead, he just looked with disappointed eyes. "But, I just have a feeling there's somewhere else you'd rather be right now. Why aren't you there?"

I sigh, thinking of that warm and bright green house and small white fingers brushing against the petals of a Chinese Hibiscus.

"I don't belong, that's why. People like me just wander around lost until they just… can't anymore."

"You shouldn't kick yourself so much." He poured the rest of his water in the sink. "Everyone's got demons, Vega. But that makes us the good guys, and there's always a way for the good guy to win. We get all the cheats after all."

I laughed. "You sure about that?"

"Positive. And besides," another smile, just as genuine as all the others, "I'm rooting for you, if that matters." His phone lit up and he glanced at the screen. "Look's like my friend is drunk enough to head home now. Nice chatting with you, though."

"Thanks for talking to me." I hop off the counter, feeling better even though I didn't believe it would last. At least he tried. "I'll see you around… well actually, I probably won't, will I?"

He shrugged and headed toward the kitchen entrance. "The story hasn't been written yet, so maybe we will."

I smiled at him. "I'll, uh, keep my fingers crossed."

He nodded. "Bye, Vega." And then he was gone.

The beating of the music continued as I stood there for a minute longer. Then I made the decision to grab my things and head back home for the night. I didn't belong here.

I never would.


HEY EVERYONE. Yeah, I'm not dead, just been busy and occupied with other things. But mentally, I've condensed this story a lot and decided its finishable, so hopefully ill do that this summer.

Tell me what you thought. Thanks!