Disclaimer: The characters and their world belong to Janet Evanovich. I'm just playing with them for fun, and all mistakes are my own.
AN: Primo- cousin; Querida – dear; Mijo – my son (affectionate).
Chapter 4
Step 4: Remember – your family are his in-laws, and vice-versa.
We did it. Carlos proposed, and I said yes. Of course, after our private, er, celebration came the rounds of phone calls and family dinners. Some were a pleasure and some, not so much. By mutual agreement, we didn't give any details but just told everyone that the proposal was appropriate for us.
Mary Lou spent ten minutes trying to guess how he'd proposed and Connie and Lula just nodded wisely and asked if that meant we were naked when he popped the question. Yes we were, but I was determined to keep it to myself.
Ranger's daughter, Julie, squealed for a solid minute over Skype, and then demanded to see the ring. She wants us to give her a baby sister, but we promised that she could be a bridesmaid, instead. I hope that will hold her for a couple of years at least.
It seems everyone is interested in our fertility these days. My Dad wants a grandson, Carlos's mom wants another granddaughter and a grandson – yesterday if at all possible, please. Joyce Barnhardt, my arch nemesis, started a rumor that Ranger had only proposed because I was knocked up. I started a rumor that she'd caught herpes from the minor league baseball team in town. Don't judge me, for all I know it's true.
My cousin Vinnie didn't care if I was knocked up with a litter of kittens. He came out of his office to investigate my ring himself when he heard Connie and Lula fussing over it. Being the weasel that he is, he advised me not to sign a pre-nup and asked if RangeMan would give him a family discount on future apprehensions.
After the phone calls came the family dinners, and Carlos' family was first. His mom arranged a family engagement party for us the Saturday night after he popped the question. Marisol Mañoso was probably a famous general in a past life, because she'd managed to rent a tent and call together a hundred of their closest friends and family, and she'd done it with less than 48 hours' notice. His sister Celia was hosting since she had a big enough back yard, but the planning and execution was all Mama Mañoso.
There were so many cars lining his sister's street by the time we arrived that even the RangeMan parking karma was no help. We'd just made our way around to the back when Carlos suddenly stopped dead in his tracks.
"Why did I let you and Mama talk me into this, Babe?" He groaned. "It's a goddamn circus."
It wasn't quite that bad, but I was guessing that a hundred guests was the conservative estimate.
Lester clapped him on the back. "And you and Steph are the headlining act – the beauty who tamed the beast. Better you than me, primo." Laughing, he ducked the punch that Carlos threw his way. Since Carlos wasn't trying too hard to take him down, I decided they were just having fun. Probably.
"Remind me again why we let you ride with us?" I asked, rolling my eyes.
Lester waggled his eyebrows. "I already told you, Beautiful. It's Saturday night and I'm going to get piss-drunk and laid. Maybe not in that order," he said after a second's thought.
The second part of his agenda still wigged me out, but Lester had helpfully pointed out that there were bound to be women he wasn't related to at the party.
I reached up and flicked a piece of imaginary lint off of Carlos' lapel. He'd worn a dark blue dress shirt instead of the basic black tonight and I couldn't wait to help him out of it later. With my teeth.
"You'll be fine. We can always strip Lester naked and throw him at that gaggle of women over there in the corner if we need to make a quick getaway." I grinned. "Let's go see my in-laws."
Ranger grinned. "Have I told you lately how much I love the way you think?"
"Well I don't," Lester groused. "That's the widow's section. Not a one of them is under sixty." He took me by the arm. "Time's a wasting and I'm too sober."
But before we could join the party, Carlo's youngest nephew, Miguel, came barreling around the corner of the house, headed straight toward us. I crouched down and caught him. He was a cute kid, kind of what I'd imagine a little Carlos would look like. Of course any child of Ranger Mañoso's would be too badass to run around with his pants on his head. Not that I was planning on popping out any baby batmen anytime soon.
"Watch it!" Miguel's mother, Yolanda, yelled. "He's peeing everywhere tonight!"
I looked down. Sure enough, he'd lost his diaper, too. But before disaster could strike, Carlos had snatched the giggling toddler from me and handed him off to Lester.
"And that's for making me be your designated driver, primo." Carlos said, clapping Lester on his back as Miguel let go all over the front of Lester's jeans.
I giggled. "And have I told you lately how much I love your reflexes?" I asked as we finally made our way over to Carlos' parents.
"Stephanie! You look beautiful, querida!" Marisol Mañoso was in her late fifties, but still slender and beautiful in a bright red dress that looked like it was made for dancing. She wasn't anything like my mother's friends and nothing like Lula or I had imagined she'd be like. We'd figured Ranger's parents were members of the Justice league and not a retired school teacher and electrician.
"I'm so glad you said yes to mijo," she mock whispered in my ear. "He can be such an idiot, but I feel better knowing you love him."
I bit my lip as I tried to hold back my laughter. Judging by Carlos' pained expression, I could tell he'd caught every word. "I do love him, Mrs. Mañoso."
"You can call me Mama, dear," she said as she drew toward the house. "I made some of those empanadas you like, just for you."
The empanadas weren't the only surprise waiting for me in the kitchen. "Mom!" She'd invited my parents and grandma, too. I said a quick prayer that everyone would behave. I looked around for backup, but Carlos had joined his brothers-in-law at the grill.
My mom patted me on my shoulder. "If you'd answer your phone sometime, you'd know Carlos' mother invited us."
I felt my cheeks redden. "We've been kind of busy." Busy celebrating, that is. It was a wonder we'd made it out of bed in time for the party.
"I can just imagine," she said with a wink. "I was engaged once, too," she said as she handed me the most beautiful pineapple upside down cake I'd ever seen. "Now find some place for this, and go enjoy your party."
I could only nod dumbly as I followed her directions. Who knew that all I'd have to do to get my favorite cake was get engaged? It's funny how Carlos proposing had made my mom twice as cool.
The rest of the party was fun, but don't ask me to fill in the names on the Mañoso family tree anytime soon. Carlos's sisters and aunts had helped with the cooking, so the tables were groaning with food and his Dad, Ernesto, was manning the bar so the mojitos were extra strong. Carlos' second cousin Diego and his band had set up in a corner of the backyard and with the liquor flowing and the music pumping, it didn't take long for the party to get started. There was a slight incident with Grandma during the conga, but Carlos' great uncle didn't seem to mind being groped too much. They were actually looking pretty cozy.
"Have I mentioned how beautiful you are, lately?" Carlos murmured as we danced to a slow number later that evening. Everyone had wanted to dance with the engaged couple, so this was the first minute we'd had to ourselves in a while.
"I clean up okay, I guess." I was pretty sure my hair was a mess and my shoes were somewhere over by the buffet table – kicked off after the first round of dancing. "You know you're going to have to carry me home, right?"
He grinned. "I'll carry you to bed, but that's it." He pressed a kiss onto my forehead. "I didn't just mean how you looked tonight, though that's a pretty great dress," he said, leering down at the blue wrap dress I'd worn that night. "You know I would've rather faced a terrorist cell tonight, but you make it worth it."
"Why, Mr. Mañoso, you say the sweetest things." I said as I batted my eyelashes at him. "Just hold onto that thought for when we go to my parents' for dinner."
R&S~R&S~R&S
My mother summoned and we made it to Casa de Plum for dinner with fifteen minutes to spare the next evening. I had to take two trips to McDonald's for the cure, but I'd finally shaken my hangover. I know, I shouldn't have had those last few mojitos the night before, but the Mañosos sure know how to party.
Grandma met us at the door in a purple sequined body suit. She'd been dressed somewhat conservatively the night before – lord knows what my mom had bribed her with – but all bets were off tonight.
"Ain't this a pip!" She took me aside. "And I bet he's as gifted in the package department as that uncle of his!" I just smiled and shook my head. I wasn't telling.
Inside, it was business as usual. My Dad was in the den watching TV, my niece Angie was sitting the corner reading, and her sister Mary Alice was galloping in circles and neighing like a horse. My brother-in-law Albert bustled over with Lisa and his youngest, who was screaming her head off.
"Thank God!" He thrust the baby into my arms. "Another minute and I'm going to go crazy!" He flushed bright red. "Uh, I mean I have to return an important phone call."
I rolled my eyes as Albert fled, then looked down at my baby niece. Hmmm… she felt dry and judging by the spit up on Albert's shirt, she'd eaten, too. What to do?
I rocked her a little and waggled my eyebrows. "So what's shakin' chica?" When she screamed louder, I looked over at Carlos. "You can tell Lester that line doesn't work on any woman of any age."
He grinned and shook his head. "Babe."
And just like that, the crying stopped. The two hundred watt grin had claimed another victim. I looked over to where Lisa was currently trying to climb up his pants leg. "Your smile should be registered as a lethal weapon."
Ranger just shook his head and settled Lisa onto one hip. Baby Sarah got the Porsche keys to play with and silence reigned for a blissful few minutes. Yes, I know my man is almost too good to be true. He's hotter than any underwear model, can kick serious ass, and cuddles after sex. Kids and dogs love him too. If he liked hockey and ate real food, he'd be perfect.
I sighed. "If you didn't have a couple of flaws, I'd have to punch you, you know." Carlos smirked and probably would've suggested that I spank him instead, but mom called us in to dinner.
Dinner went about as expected. The baby screamed, Albert spilled gravy all over himself and Valerie cooed at him while she dabbed at his shirt. The roast wasn't dried out, the potatoes were extra buttery and no one except Carlos touched the broccoli or the salad. Well, Mary Alice did, but I wasn't counting her since she was a horse.
My mom was determined to plan the wedding before dinner was over.
"I can't believe you haven't set a date yet, you know that the hall is booked almost a year in advance," she told us as she hauled out the kitchen calendar. "I checked and they still have the second Saturday in May free, but June and July are booked."
I opened my mouth to reply, but Grandma beat me to it. "Stephie and Ranger need something a little more exciting." She clacked her dentures at us. "I hear those destination weddings are all the rage. Maybe they can have it at one of those nudist resorts."
I counted to three before my mother, Val and my Dad responded.
"Mother!" Mom reached for her 'iced tea' glass.
"Grandma!" Val clapped her hands over MA's ears.
"Crazy old bat." Dad looked wistfully down at his steak knife, while I wondered if we could get dessert to go.
Mom, Val and Grandma launched into a heated discussion about wedding venues while Carlos and I followed my Dad's example and kept our heads down. We'd almost made it to dessert when mom noticed we weren't contributing much to the conversation.
"Honestly, don't you want a nice wedding?"
I carefully dabbed at my lips. It was time to put on my big girl panties. "We haven't talked a whole lot about it yet, Ma." I cut my eyes toward Carlos. "We've both been married before and I'm not sure I even want a big wedding." Eloping to Vegas was sounding pretty good right now.
Mom gasped and crossed herself. "It's not always about what you want, dear. Carlos is a businessman and has an image to think of."
I silently counted the steps to the front door and wondered if I could get away with taking the chocolate torte mom had made for dessert. Probably no one but my dad would miss it.
"Stephanie's happiness is a lot more important to me, Mrs. Plum." Carlos squeezed my hand in support. "I wouldn't care if we were married by an Elvis impersonator, as long as she was happy."
Grandma hooted with laughter, Mary Alice whinnied, Ma drained her glass, and I fell just a little more in love with Carlos. The ESP thing was a little spooky, but he really got me.
Dinner didn't last much longer after that. We declined leftovers, but I took an extra piece of cake.
"Your mother is seriously scary, Babe," Carlos told me as he helped me into the Turbo.
I sighed. "I know. I think I like my in-laws better than yours."
AN: It's funny how canon and fanfiction can collide sometimes. I started and finished reading book 21 just a couple of days ago and couldn't help but laugh at the description of a hotel room that was being used as a headquarters during the case. To paraphrase. Hal was there and Steph noted that the pink sateen bedspread would make it difficult for even the most manly of men to maintain an erection. In chapter 2 of this fanfic, Hal declares that "no man has ever gotten an erection around pink leopard print". I swear I hadn't read the book yet when I wrote and posted that line.
