Surfboard and Smile – Part 4
I just want to thank everyone who has read this and a special thank you to those who have commented. As I said at the start this would be 4 parts and we have reached the end! This part is much longer than I had planned but I didn't want to separate it :)
Chapter 4 – Then and Now
He got up onto his feet and then instinctively held out his had to pull him her light frame to join him standing again. Once she was steady on her feet again he grabbed both of their coats from the wall where they had been hanging and put his hand in the small of her back to lead her out of the department as a means of comfort to her at in her time of need. They did not speak a word to each other on the short walk to his battered up Land Rover. As they started to drive out onto the dual carriage way to drive the familiar road to his houseboat, he heard her curse under her breath quietly.
"Shit" He considered ignoring her but he knew he should ask what the issue was.
"What's wrong?" His words had came out harsher than he meant, as if it was a bother to his to even ask.
"It doesn't matter, I just remembered that I brought my bike to work this morning and now I'm going to have to walk back for it later" She sighed to herself inwardly, not meaning to sound so much like that she didn't want to be in his car at this particular moment, despite this being one of the places where she wanted to be most.
He didn't even bother to respond to what she had said, as if it was an irrelevant fact which served no use to him, he just continued the short drive back to the canal.
"Dervla will be needing to be walked when I get back, you could join us if you like?" For Dylan to come out with such a statement it was almost as if he was offering her the world "I'm sure she would be glad to see you" This again was more cryptic talk from Dylan, he would often say that Dervla wanted something when he really meant him.
This made her think back to when he would avoid having difficult conversations by saying that the raised voices were "upsetting Dervla" or that the meal she had made was "too dry for Dervla to chew", it used to drive her mad before she realised what he was doing. If she was honest with herself that was one of the few qualities which she didn't actually like about Dylan, she was half expecting that one day he would announce that Dervla thinks that they should get divorced just so he could avoid having the conversation himself!
"I would like that, I have missed that daft dog way more than I thought I would" She reached into her bag and pulled out her phone and opened up the screen and pointed it in his direction.
He moved his eyes from the road for a split second to glance at what she felt was urgent enough that had to be shown to him whilst he was driving, glairing back at him was a picture of him and Dervla on a snowy day, the camera had caught him with a half smile on his face as he looked at the dog and his thoughts cast to the similar photo which he had beside his bed of Dervla and Sam in the snow, taken on the same day.
"I could never bare to change it" She placed the phone back into her bag and didn't say another word for the rest of the journey to his boat.
When they got inside the familiar boat it looked the exact same as it had when she had last been there, over a year ago, despite the fact that it was now moored in a completely different city, Sam instantly done what she had always done when she got aboard the boat, she kicked off her shoes and left them wherever they fell. Her eyes were immediately cast towards the familiar looking mug which was sat beside the kettle, that was her mug in the exact same spot as she had left it in all that time ago. She knew Dylan didn't like to tidy up but even for him that was lazy.
As soon as Dervla saw her she jumped up from her bed beside the fire and made her way to Sam where she was met was met with wide open arms. The dog didn't even give Dylan a second look.
"Oh hello girl, I have missed you so much! Yes I have!" She rubbed the dogs fur affectionately, as much as Dylan loathed her speaking to the dog like a baby, she usually done it when he was out of earshot.
"Good to know how quickly her loyalty changes. I walk her an feed her all day , every day and you walk back in and you're the favourite again" Dylan said almost to himself, with a half smile on his face. When Sam had first moved onto the boat with Dylan and Dervla, the dog had taken to curling up beside Sam as much as she could it was as if she knew she was more likely to get a sneaky treat from Sam than the more disciplined Dylan who would never fall for the puppy dog eyes.
Sam looked up at him, checking whether he was being serious or not and upon realising that he wasn't, she happily continued patting the dog and rubbing behind her ears.
"Shall we get going them?" He picked up Dervla's lead and as soon as the dog heard the lead she was no longer interested in cuddles with Sam but was not more interested with the forthcoming walk.
They made their way down the embankment and followed the path which was leading to the edge of the river, they walked in silence neither knowing how to start the much needed conversation.
"It's a lovely mooring which you have found here" Sam commented as she looked at the coffee shops, restaurants and bar which she could see in the distance making a mental note to herself to take another walk down here one day when she was looking for somewhere to spend a rare afternoon off rather than being cooped up in her sparse flat, that place was so characterless the four walls drove her mad.
"Yes, well it's not as if there is a wide selection of places to moor a boat in Holby, it was here or nothing. I would have preferred something a bit more secluded, it defeats the purpose of having a boat if you still have to suffer neighbours" Sam was trying her best to keep the small laugh from escaping, only Dylan could find a fault with such a nice part of the city.
They returned to silence again as they continued to walk further, Sam was then provided with the opportunity of holding Dervla's lead, much to her surprise.
"So are we going to continue walking as if there is nothing which needs to be said or are we going to behave like two adults who capable of communicating with each other. The reason I ask is because Dervla is getting older and she doesn't like to be walked for as long as she used to" He had done it again, much to her annoyance, making his reasoning for a statement Dervla rather than how he was feeling himself.
"Why do you do that?" She had made the conscious decision of full disclosure for the looming conversation to herself, she was more than happy to take this opportunity to be more honest with him than she had been with anyone else in her life. He gave her a confused look and didn't make any attempt to answer her question thus making her feel as if she needed to expand "Dylan, you said that you wanted to know what is going on, then why do you hide behind Dervla to avoid awkward situations?" He greeted her with a solemn look, as if he was a naughty child who had been caught with his hand in the biscuit tin.
"What are you talking about? I do not 'hide behind' a dog, that is a ludicrous statement Samantha, even for you!" Clearly she had touched a nerve with what she had said, otherwise she would not have been graced with an answer or sparked such a reaction.
"Well as ludicrous as I may be in your eyes, you cannot deny it you have been doing it for our whole marriage, it was as if you thought that something would hurt less if it was coming from Dervla rather than you. Which I would just like to add is the complete opposite, it was so hard for me knowing that my husband would rather speak in the third person through a dog to avoid having to actually speak to me himself" She paused for a moment, he clearly had nothing else to say so she just continued with her rant "Was I really that difficult to live with that you had to personify a dog? Whether it was because I was being too loud or the food I made wasn't up to your very high standards, it all had to be said as if I was causing an inconvenience to the dog!" She felt a little relieved to have gotten some of that off her chest, as small of a matter it may have been in their marriage, it was something which had always infuriated her.
Again he paused, gathered his thoughts, selecting his words very carefully "Firstly, Dervla had surgery on her knee about 6 months ago and therefore she cannot endure a long distance walk as I said, nothing to do with not wanting to have this conversation! Further Samantha, I have never said that you were difficult to live with, challenging maybe with your constant need to behave like a reckless action girl but never difficult. The day you left, I was lost I had no idea what to do with myself. I must say that you drove me completely insane sometimes, you would natter on about trivial matters, nonsense even but I miss it, I miss all of it! The bad food, the mass of noise which you always seemed to make when doing the most simple of tasks, the way you would leave you coffee cup right beside the kettle all because you didn't see the point of putting it away, the way you would always kick your shoes off as soon as you stepped through the door and left them there making me trip over every time I came home..." He was going to continue but he was cut off with a very simple question.
"You miss me?" Her words were quiet and her voice was inward and childlike
"For God's sake woman I still sleep on the very edge of the bed after years of you stretch out in right in the middle despite the fact I have the whole thing to myself now." His eyes looked sad at his own last statement "I can honestly say that I miss every single thing you do, the good and the bad" Her eyes were beginning to well up, she really didn't know what to say.
They retreated to silence again for what must have been at least 20 minutes when she finally said something.
"You asked what was going through my mind?" He nodded as she reached into her bag and pulled out the crumpled mess which the photocopy of their wedding photo had now become "This. Us. Everything which I did that caused us to be in the position which we are now, all for one night of drunken sex." This time the tears which had threatened to fall before actually did. He placed his hand into his pocket and found a tissue, handed it to her and took the piece of paper off her, placing it out of sight in his pockets.
"You were never to blame for what happened between us, I was more at fault than anyone, I pushed you away. That is something which I will always regret Samantha, it would never have happened if I hadn't been too drunk to accompany you to that funeral, you would never have needed to seek comfort elsewhere because you were hurting Samantha and I knew but I selfishly pushed you away all for another drink" He was never one to speak about his drinking, it was the part of himself which he was most ashamed of and he was never the person to first mention it.
"Please don't say that, it was never you who was to blame, it was all me. After I did what I did what I did it was completely reasonable for anyone to react in the same was as you did."
"Samantha, don't, I turned into the man who I always said I would never be and the way I treated you when I had been drinking is someone who has haunted me since. All I see in myself in those memories is that I was becoming my grandfather, the person who I least wished to become. That night I was a monster, a vile creature." His head never moved up from the ground, showing his embarrassment at having to once again confront his daemons.
His grandfather had always classed himself as the head of the family and the authoritative figure, commanding respect which he did not ever earn or deserve. When Dylan was growing up, his grandfather was the closest he had to a father as his own dad spent months, if not years, away from his mother doing medical research in remote parts of the world for the hope of discovering a cure for all sorts of unheard of conditions, it could be said that his father was where he got his somewhat maverick side of his personality. His grandfathers control over his mother was astonishing, he spoke to her like she was some sort of chambermaid who was there to serve him, making it very clear that if they were going to live in his substantial home then they would abide by his rule. It had been the fear of poverty which had kept his mother there, she had been a proud woman who would rather degrade herself behind closed doors in order to preserve her reputation to those around. When his grandfather had even a miniscule taste of Scotch he became a vile man who had turned to violence in order to get what he wanted within the household. Dylan had despised the man so much that he chose not to touch the money which had been placed in a trust fund for his medical school fees and instead chose to create a monstrous student debt, he didn't want to owe that man anything. To this day that money was still sitting in trust waiting to be withdrawn, something which he was never going to do if he had any option.
The night which he had been referring to was a few months after Samantha had returned from a funeral of one of her army colleagues who had been killed in a blast in Afghanistan. She had pleaded with him to attend with her, not wanting to go alone however he had point blank refused. In his alcohol fuelled mind by attending any sort of army related event with his wife would imply that he approved of the fact that she had signed up to become an army medic, which he did not, it killed him the thought that at some point in the future she would be out there on active duty again. The day which she had left for Yorkshire, he had begun drinking very early in the morning after getting off a week's stints on night shifts, he had wanted nothing more than to drain the bottle which was sitting in his kitchen which had been teasing his for the week and therefore he had not wished to utter pleasantries to Samantha's army friends but rather spend time with his trusty old friend Johnny Walker Gold Label. Due to this she had to go to the funeral alone, where she also drank an obscene amount of alcohol and ended up engaging in a very undignified and passion-free one night stand with her also grieving Lieutenant Colonel in her hotel room which left her feeling disgusted in herself. The guilt was eating her alive inside which was why she had decided to confess all to him, pack her bags and leave – the night which she was leaving her husband was also the same night as she was flying back to war.
When she had told him, he had flown off the handle, she had wanted to tell him when he was sober and calm however the only time when he was either of those this was when they were at work which was never going to be the place to tell him. His reaction had been to throw the small glass which had been in his hand towards her, missing her skull by a mere few inches.
"You do know that I have never had a drink since that night, you leaving was the wakeup call I needed to realise that what that stuff had cost me. When I found out that you had gone back to Afghanistan I blamed myself" They had reached a standstill on the edge of the riverbed, looking into each other's eyes
"Grumpy, I never blamed you for the way you reacted, I just wish that there was a way for you to forgive me what I have done, although I know this is never going to happen. I was the one who chose to go back to war, I thought it would be a good escape" Her body was beginning to shake from the coldness of being mid-march, he took his jacket off and wrapped it around her shoulders.
"Samantha, I never told you this but I forgave you the minute you told me, I wouldn't be being truthful if I said it didn't piss me off or hurt me but I forgave you. Another thing which I never told you enough is that I love you, I still love you more than anything in the world"
"I love you too" He leaned in to kiss her ardently before taking her hand and leading her back in the direction of his boat.
They both knew that there was a lot in their relationship which needed to be worked out but at that moment, the only thing which either of them could think of was how much they wanted to hold the other in their arms and never let go.
The End!
Thank you for reading, place comment good or bad :) I plan on starting something else next week so please let me know where I have gone wrong, or right, in this fiction!
