A/N: You need a completely stupid chapter every once in a while I feel...


Chapter 4 - Dear Diary 1

18th November 2008 (Earth time) – Leah 1 month old

Dear Diary,

So here we are, one month into the weirdness. We're both really tired, irritated with each other and constantly hungry and it really didn't help last week when the Doctor slipped on one of Leah's toys and apparently broke his sternum...


"Leah, go to sleep," the Doctor begged the baby in a whisper.

"WAAAH!" she replied in a discontented scream.

"I know you're tired, Leah," he continued quietly. "You've been fed, changed, played with, bathed, hung up to dry and now you're rubbing your eyes, yawning and stretching. You're tired."

"WAAAH!"

"The book says you're tired. The book never lies, Leah."

"WAAAH!"

The Doctor decided a change of tact was in order, mentally flicking through his potential options. He very quickly settled on bribery. "Leah, I will do anything when you're older. I will let you have whatever boyfriend you want; I will take you anywhere; I will give you unlimited shopping money... if you just go to sleep!" he urged.

"WAAAH!"

"How about a pony? I will give you a pony! The TV says you love ponies! Go to sleep and Daddy'll get you a pony!"

"WAAAH!"

"Two ponies!" the Doctor amended with enthusiasm. "Two ponies for you!"

"WAAAH!"

"Okay, not a pony. How about a motorbike? It's essentially the same thing as a pony except it's got an engine."

"WAAAH!"

He sighed. "Okay, I'll be straight with you, Leah. Me and Mummy are tired. Very tired. I mean crazy, barking mad tired. If we don't get some sleep soon we are going to go insane, and we'll have to get put in a room with padded walls and you'll have to go to Uncle Jack. You don't want to go to Uncle Jack, do you? So go to sleep."

"WAAAH!"

"Doctor!" Rose called from the next room.

"What?"

"I want to go to sleep!"

"WAAAH!"

"Don't you think I do too!?" the Doctor whined.

"But the book said she was tired!"

"The book is overrated!"

"WAAAH!"

"Did you try the pony thing?" Rose asked.

"Of course I did!" he snapped, irritated. "She's not interested!"

"Offer her five ponies, stupid!"

"Shut up!" He turned back to Leah, who was still screaming. He braced himself, rolling back his shoulders... "Leah... five ponies. You can have five ponies. Honestly. Five ponies, all for you. What d'you say?"

She suddenly quietened, settling down and yawning widely. The Doctor just stood there, holding his breath in anticipation. He couldn't make a sound. Even the slightest squeak would set her off again, like a waiting bomb...

She closed her eyes, and there was blissful silence for twenty, long and lovely seconds. The Doctor had almost forgotten what silence sounded like, and he found he liked it.

He glanced at his exit, picking out a path through the scattered toys on the floor. Then he slowly, carefully, and quietly turned, creeping on tip toe through the toy-carpeted floor and out of the door. He didn't stop his cautious walk even after he'd closed the nursery door, tiptoeing across the corridor into his and Rose's bedroom. Even when he'd closed the door and got to the bed he tried to keep all noise to an absolute minimum.

He thought about changing, but then just pulled off his shoes, put them under the bed, climbed under the covers still fully dressed, and dropped his head directly face-down in the middle of the pillow.

"We owe her 655 ponies. Good night," he said.

"Good night."

They both closed their eyes. The TARDIS dimmed the lights, and there was blissful silence. Ten seconds passed.

"Rose."

"What?"

"She's not making any noise."

"She's asleep. Now you can go to sleep, idiot."

"But... What if she's not breathing?"

"Doctor. She's breathing. Go to sleep."

"Okay," he mumbled, reassured. "Night."

"Night."

Ten more seconds passed.

"Doctor," Rose suddenly said.

"What?"

"What if there is somethin' wrong?"

They both opened their eyes to stare at each other from across the bed.

"... No," the Doctor eventually dismissed. "She's fine."

"Yeah," Rose agreed, closing her eyes again. "Night."

"Night."

Ten seconds passed.

"Oh god, Doctor."

"What?"

"I've got this really bad feelin' something's wrong, now."

They both opened their eyes again.

"So have I," the Doctor admitted, tense. "Maybe we should check on her."

They both thought about that for a moment.

"... No," Rose eventually dismissed. "We're overreactin'."

"You're right," the Doctor agreed, and closed his eyes again. "Night."

"Night."

Five seconds passed.

"I have to check on her!" the Doctor suddenly exclaimed, sitting up straight with the TARDIS lights switching back on.

"Yes!" Rose responded, wide-eyed. "I've got this feelin'!"

"I know, so have I!" he said quickly, clambering out of bed.

"Oh god, she's dyin', run Doctor!"

"I am, I am!" he yelled back, bolting out of the door and across the corridor faster than a hurricane. He burst through the door and ran to the cot to check her – but unfortunately forgot to register the toys still scattered over the floor. He ran right on a ball rattle, went flying up in the air and came crashing face-down straight onto a wooden duck with a yelp of pain.

Instantly Leah woke up and started crying again.

"Doctor!" Rose yelled, annoyed.

He tried to get up, but he'd moved only an inch before gunshot pain ripped straight through his chest and he cried out, dropping back down again. He was still lying on several toys but any dreams he may have had about not lying on them were crashing down around his ears.

"DOCTOR!"

"WAAAH!"

"Rose..." he called softly, his voice seemingly whiny and pathetic in his ears. "I've fallen and I can't get up..."

"What!?"

"I can't get up..."

"If you're sayin' anythin' I can't hear you!"

"I CAN'T..." he began to yell, but more pain burst into his chest and he choked, which only seemed to make it worse. "... Get up," he finished in a pathetic wheeze.

"WAAAH!"

The door opened. "For god's sake Doctor when... Why are you on the floor?"

"Fell over," he breathed.

"Get up then."

"I can't..."

"WAAAH!"

"What d'you mean you can't?"

"What d'you think I mean? I can't get up!"

"You're jokin'."

"No."

"Oh for God's sake!" she burst out, grabbing his arm and trying to pull him upright. The undivided scream of pain he gave at the movement made her drop him in alarm. "What the hell?"

"Ow," he whined.

"WAAAH!"


"I don't believe this," Rose sighed, staring at him lying in the infirmary bed with his chest bruised and swollen.

"Me either," he assured her, checking the scan as she handed the printout to him. "Ugh, fractured my sternum."

"What does that mean?"

"I can't get up for at least a week."

There was a harrowing silence as Rose stared at him, her eyes wide. "What did you say?"

He winced. "I err... can't... get up for a week."

"You're jokin'."

"Nope."

"No, not a question. You are jokin'."

"... No."

"WHAT!?" she shrieked, nearly blowing out his eardrums. "You expect me to run around after Leah by myself whilst you bloody lounge about in bed for a week!?"

"... You'll have to feed me too," he added, somewhat unhelpfully.

"Oh great!" she exclaimed, her voice dripping with sarcasm. "So I've got two babies to deal with!"

"Well I'm sorry for checking our daughter in a hurry to make sure she was all right!" he yelled.

"You could have at least looked where you were bloody goin'!"

"Well if you'd cleaned up all the the toys this afternoon I wouldn't have tripped on them!"

"So this is my fault!?"

"Yes!"

"That's unbelievable!"

"How is that unbelievable!?"

"You're trying to blame me for you bein' so dumb! You're an asshole!"

"Likewise!"

"WAAAH!" Leah interrupted from afar.

"URGH!" Rose burst out in utter frustration, stamping her feet before storming out, slamming the door behind her.

The Doctor just watched her go, feeling extremely riled. That hadn't been his fault, and she was an idiot to think so.

So much for children bringing you together.

He sighed, laid back with his head on the pillow and within four minutes, for the first time for a month, he'd finally fallen in to a deep, replenishing, completely guilt-free sleep.


Three days later...

The Doctor was sat in the infirmary bed watching TV, one hand behind his head and the other in a bowl of cheese puffs, staring at By the Light of the Asteroid intently.

"I'm so sorry Jaf'la!" the woman sobbed. "I can't lie to you anymore!"

"Azhux? Sweetheart, what is it?"

"I'm just not the Porfulaxian you think I am!"

"What are you trying to say!?"

"I'm... I'm... Oh, Jaf'la, I'm... I'm biogenous!"

The Doctor gasped, the cheese puffs stopping halfway to his mouth as the cliffhanger theme began. "No way!" he exclaimed, grabbing for the remote and fast forwarding through the credits to the next episode, just as Rose came bursting in through the door, bringing all the cold air with her.

The Doctor looked at the mother of his child, standing there in the doorway holding a tray of food. Her blonde hair was everywhere, tangled and messy, her clothes dishevelled and dirtied. She had such severe eye-bags it looked like she'd been punched in the face twice and the expression on her face was nothing that represented any morsel of joy whatsoever.

"Hello, light of my life!" the Doctor exclaimed happily, smiling.

"Shut up!" she roared, storming over to the bed and slamming the tray she held down on the side table, the contents of it flying everywhere. "Here's your bloody lunch!"

He watched her for a moment, his hand moving to the bowl of cheese puffs again. "What's wrong, Rose?" he asked in a completely smooth, calm and collected voice. "You seem a bit stressed."

"Do I!?" she screamed full in his face. "DO I!?"

He flinched slightly. She hadn't cleaned her teeth in a while. "... Have a cheese puff!" he said eventually, holding out the bowl.

"I hope you die, stupid alien!" she screamed in return, swiftly turning on her heel and storming out of the door. The entire wall shook as she slammed it behind her.

The Doctor winced, waiting a good minute or so for the wall to stop shaking before he reached for the remote again, and hit play.


Four days later...

"Leah, go to sleep!"

"WAAAH!" she responded.

"Please, please!"

"WAAAH!"

"Five ponies!"

"WAAAH!"

"Ten ponies!"

"WAAAH!"

"Rose! Rose! Help me!"

"Sorry, light of my life!" Rose responded happily, sitting in bed munching on some cheese puffs. "Can't hear you!"


I still think he did it on purpose.

Rose x


A/N: I really have to say thanks for all the reviews so far, you are ll made of gold-plated awesome, and I'll do review reply this chapter. Seriously. I will. Stop laughing :o