Frozen Hearts Doesn't Melt
Chapter 4
Amanda had cried herself to sleep in Olivia's arms, her body heavy and relaxed but involuntary shivered from time to time as her core temperature slowly returned to it's normal state. It had been ten minutes since Amanda had broken down, ten minutes since she had accepted the warm and calming embrace of Olivia and ten minutes since the brunette had brought her close to her chest and soothed her into a light slumber.
The lightweight form in her arms felt so small and fragile as she held her against her front, running her fingers through tangled blonde tresses that were in desperate need of some attention to get all the knots out. Olivia needed to know what had happened, what Amanda had seen and how she was doing, emotionally and physically. However, gazing down at the pale features of the blonde, she didn't have the heart to wake her up just to torment her with questions about her horrible ordeal. Instead, she lowered the slender body back onto the mattress and pillows, made sure the blankets were covering every inch of bare skin and brushed her fingers over a fair brow then cupping her cheek softly.
Even though it was late in the evening, nearing bedtime, Olivia couldn't find the will or the want to leave. Something inside of her told her to stay. Even if the nurses and the doctors insisted that she had to leave she would immediately refuse without a second thought, fighting her corner until she got what she wanted. Fortunately, no doctor or nurses, insisted that she left so she got as comfortable as she could in the hard plastic chair, wrapping her coat tighter around her body so she wouldn't get cold and then let her eyelids flutter close.
Waking up all of a sudden, Olivia frowned, her eyes still closed, hoping she would be able to go back to sleep in a few minutes but a faint noise interrupted her plans and she looked around the darkish room through a narrow slither between her eyelids, searching for the noise that had startled her sleep. Almost immediately she spotted a small dark figure sitting up in the bed, huddled up under blankets and covers. Amanda.
She was softly crying, trying to stiffle the sobs by pressing her face against her knees, choking the cries of anguish that erupted from her throat. Liv got to her feet, glanced at the screen on her phone to find out the time and saw that it was nearly five am. Slowly and quietly, not wanting to scare the blonde by making loud noises or sudden movements. She knew that it was the shock setting in from her traumatic ordeal and she could also see the petite shoulders and arms shiver as Amanda tried to cover herself up in need of warmth.
She must've sensed or heard Olivia get up from her seat because when the brunette sat down and placed a gentle hand on her back, she didn't flinch didn't jerk away from her touch or whimper in fear. Instead, she just sat there, her posture stiff and rigid as if she was afraid to relax or even look up to meet Olivia's brown gaze.
"Hey, you okay?" Liv queried softly, already knowing the answer. Of course Amanda wasn't okay so there was no need to verbalize it with a question but it was the only thing that she could think of.
"Ugh hu..." Amanda mumbled, not wanting to make a big deal out of it, not use to having someone asking her those kinds of questions. "Yeah... I'm fine." she sat up straight, took a deep breath and dried her watery eyes and face. "Sorry... bad dream." she stuttered and smiled shyly through her tears, hoping Olivia would believe her and just let it go but it would be easier to ask a man wandering in the desert for a glass of water.
"You want to tell me about it? What happened last night Amanda?" Liv tried. "I have to take your statement, honey, so we can get this guy."
Amanda snapped her head around, looking Liv straight in the eye, anger flashing in the blue watery orbs. "You don't need my statement, Lieutenant. How is me telling you how he raped and beat me going to help you catch him? You just need paperwork to fill up your empty case file. I did the rape kit, they found fluids, you can get your guy from that."
Uninvited, Olivia sat down on the bed, leaving a few inches between them so she wouldn't crowd the blonde. "I know you're angry, I know you're in pain and you're scared but I promise you that things will get better, even though it doesn't seem that way right now. There are services, free of charge, that we provide. I can get you into counseling, individual sessions or in a group if you prefer that but, please, don't push people that only want to help you away, sweetie. That's not the answer."
"Why?" Amanda snapped harshly, eyes flashing.
"Why what?"
The gentleness and concern in Olivia's low voice annoyed the blonde to a point where she didn't know what to say to argue back. Instead, she sighed and turned her head towards the window and looked out at the darkness. "I'm sorry you wasted your time and slept in a horribly uncomfortable chair for nothing. You got the rape kit and that's all I'm giving you, Lieutenant. You can leave now."
It saddened Olivia to the core to see Amanda hurting so much and there was nothing she could do to help. Well, there was but Amanda wouldn't accept it or admit to it so there was indeed little she could do at this point. "Okay. Come and see me if you change your mind. You know where I am." she whispered softly, stood up and reluctantly left the room, frustrated and worried at the same time.
Amanda clenched her jaw as a strong biting gust of wind blew into her face causing the snow, that had began to fall five days ago, to compromise her vision as the big fluffy flakes clung to her eyelashes in clumps. Her precious hat and gloves were almost soaked all the way through from the wet snow which only made her shiver even more as the damp cold absorbed itself all the way into her bones.
Again, she had nowhere to sleep and had, after a long debate with herself, decided to visit her friends once again. However, she was somewhat reluctant to see them again, wondering if they thought she only visited so she could get a decent night's sleep and hopefully something edible into her starved stomach but that was not the case. Well, maybe a part of it, a very very small part but the main reason was because of Annie's poor health and that she had to try and keep her friend's spirit up to the best of her ability.
There was not much she could offer but she had somehow managed to get a hold of a chocolate bar that she was determined to give to Annie as a 'get better' gift, knowing that the older woman loved the sweet and smooth taste and texture. Even though she knew that there was no such thing as getting better, not from what her friend was suffering from, she still wanted to try her best to keep her friend's mood in a somewhat positive and lighthearted way, hoping it would bring her some sort of comfort.
Before Amanda entered their little hidden sanctuary, she could hear the rough coughing rip through Annie's hoarse throat, causing gurgling sounds to escape from deep within her chest and Amanda frowned in concern. It didn't sound good, not good at all she thought as she approached the elderly couple sitting by their homemade pit fire, taking warmth and comfort from each other.
"Hi, love birds." Amanda announced her arrival, not wanting a repeat of the last time she had visited and Sam had armed himself with a baseball bat, ready to defend what was rightfully his and beat up any perp who came in his way.
"Mandy!" Sam greeted happily and patted his wife's back. "Look who came to see my girl."
Amanda smiled and made her way to where the couple were residing, in the same old and worn sun launcher, positioned underneath a large piece of torn tarp that they had managed to tie up, acting as a roof and protection against the rain and snow. "Hi, guys. I was just passing by and thought I'd pop in for a short visit. How are things?" she queried even though she could easily see the answer to her own question.
"Can't complain, my dear, can't complain." Annie wheezed out, recovering from a violent fit of raspy and horrible sounding choking noises.
Amanda saw a flicker of worry and defeat in Sam's eyes and she offered him a sad smile, patted him on the arm and then fished around in her pocket for the milky treat. Crutching down in front of the elderly woman, Amanda held out the chocolate bar and watched as the corner of Annie's lips twitched ever so slightly, obviously too exhausted to offer a fully toothed smile. Looking into the deep brown eyes of her friend, she saw something that scared her, something that scared her to the core of her being.
She saw death.
There was no longer a light inside those dark eyes, no glimmer, no hope. It was as if someone had suddenly turned off all the lights in a big and bright amusement park or all the fairy lights in a Christmas market on a dark and snowy evening and nothing or nobody else was around, just darkness and hopelessness. She could tell that it wouldn't be long before Annie had to leave them both behind and she was suddenly filled with an immense sadness that seemed to be pressing down hard and ruthlessly on her chest, choking her slowly.
The only thing that she could do now was to give the older couple this night to themselves, to treasure and cherish the short time they had left together in this universe and in this lifetime. She didn't want to disturb or intrude on something so valuable and rich as precious time so she swallowed her own tears, engulfed her friend in a warm loving hug and just held her for a moment, lingering for as long as she could until she finally had no choice but to let go. "I love you, Annie. Don't ever forget that." she choked out between threatening tears, smiling through the salty droplets in an attempt to lighten the mood a bit even though they all knew what was coming. There was no denying it.
"I lo... love you too, Mandy. Always will." Annie whispered weakly and held onto the blonde's hands as hard as she could. "My last meal, ugh?" she chuckled faintly and gestured towards the chocolatey treat in her hand. "Not too... shabby." she snickered tiredly and closed her eyes, the exhaustion getting the better of her and she could barely keep them open.
"Thank you, Mandy. That meant a lot to her, I'm sure." Sam managed to say even though his voice was unmistakable shaky and full of raw emotions that were all too difficult to deal with.
It was too much for Amanda as well and she didn't dare to speak in case she would fully break down and make it even harder for the two. Instead, she flung her arms around the big and bulky man, hanging on so tightly she thought she might actually break a bone or two, feeling the strong hug being just as passionately returned. "Take care of yourself, Mandy. Maybe we'll see each other again some day."
Amanda frowned and pulled away, looking the man in the eyes. "What do you mean? Where are you going?"
Sam just smiled and kissed her forehead in a fatherly fashion. "I have some stuff to take care of but I don't want you to worry for me, alright? Whatever happens, just know that I will be okay and so will you, I promise you that."
Amanda left her two friends that night, not really knowing what Sam had actually meant with what he had said. She had an uneasy feeling in her stomach as she wandered the dark, cold and snowy streets of Manhattan, lost in her own mind, feeling that heavy sadness wash over her again like a ton of bricks and she found it hard to breath. Every breath was painful and an immense effort to even walk up straight was taking it's toll on her body as she almost crumbled to the ground several times while desperately trying to compose herself. The tears blurred her snowy vision, burning her eyes as the drops slowly trickled down her cheeks before turning into a crystallized pearl on her delicate skin.
Life was fucking unfair.
She didn't know where to go, what to do or who to go to. The two people who had become like family for the past couple of years were now gone and there was a big hole in her heart, a big raw, infected and angry looking scar that would take forever to heal, if it did at all. She didn't fancy staying out in the cold tonight, a shelter would have to do but it was already late and she knew from previous experience that they were all full by now since people had been queuing all day to get a bed. She was too late.
Absentmindedly, she strolled down the same alleyway where she had met Olivia the second time and she had so kindly given her her hat and gloves. She was so grateful that she still had them in her possession, they could have easily been lost or taken during her attack but somehow they had managed to stay intact, just a bit dirty. To her relief she found a hard plastic crate leaning up against the red brick wall and she flipped it around so she could sit down and rest her legs.
It was as if everything finally caught up to her, the two attacks, the rape, Annie and Sam and she could no longer keep her tears at bay. Covering her face with her gloved hands she cried deep gut wrenching sobs that tore through her throat as if she had no control over them, which she didn't. Her body shuddered from the anguish cries, her tears soaking the material of the gloves and it felt as if someone was sitting on her chest, choking the life out of her in a slow and agonizing way. This was probably her lowest point in her life since she started wandering the streets.
She suddenly heard foorsteps approaching from her right hand side and her heart began to pound profusely, thinking she was about to be attacked yet another time, but the tall figure coming towards her seemed awfully familiar even though she couldn't see the person's face. She stood up, ready to defend herself if needed be, her breathing hard and fast, almost hyperventilating.
Then, all of a sudden, the figure stopped a few feet away, still hidden by the darkness surrounding them and tilted the head to the side. "Amanda?"
It was Olivia. Olivia was here. Without a second thought, she lounged at the Lieutenant, threw herself at her, wrapping her arms around her strong and warm body, face hidden in her chest and she cried like she never cried before, shamelessly and openly.
The older woman was surprised by the sudden move but she didn't pull away. It took her a while to comprehend what was happening but eventually she steadily roped her own arms around the shivering form, pulling her close to her chest and spoke soothingly to her. "You okay? Are you hurt? What wrong, honey?" she tried to pull away slightly to get a look at the blonde's face, feeling the strong need to make sure she was physically alright but Amanda wouldn't let go and only tightened the hold. "Shhh, alright, it's okay! It's all going to be okay." she soothed while placing a hand at the back of Amanda's head, wanting to shield her and comfort her in any way she possibly could, always happy to help.
It was such a strange feeling too be held so tightly by someone she had only met a couple of times and normally she wouldn't let her guard down like this, she would never let anyone see her in such a hysterical and emotional state but everything was just too much and she had to find an outlet. Clinging to the black soft coat of Olivia, she buried her face in the crook of her neck, inhaling the Lieutenant's scent and wished she could stay there forever, wrapped in a tender embraced, feeling safe and protected, something she hadn't felt in a very long time, if ever.
"Shh, you're okay, you're okay." Liv hushed into her ear as she stroked the bony slim back of the woman in her arms. Confused as to what had gotten Amanda in such a state, she once again tried to pull away to get a look at her face, needing to know what was going on. "I need to know if you're hurt, honey. Do you need medical attention? Do you need a hospital?"
Amanda shook her head vigorously, tears clouding her vision but she could see Olivia's perfectly beautiful features in front of her, studying her with worry and concern. "N... No! I... I'm o... okay." she choked, another powerful sob ripping through her throat and chest.
"Okay, that's good, honey. That's good." Liv let out a sigh of relief and pulled the blonde close to her side, her hand coming up to tenderly wipe away the steady rivulets of salty and cloudy drops. "What got you so upset, hmm? Did someone do anything to you? Why the tears, honey?" she cocked her head down slightly, looking intently into sad pale blue eyes. "Tell me." she whispered, her heart breaking bit by bit as she studied the blotchy face.
"She died." Amanda mumbled, her throat sore and raspy from all the crying, eyes stinging and her chest heavy. "She died."
