If you need a disclaimer, it's on the first page. It applies for all my ToS works.
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Pariah
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Again, I sit by the fire…
Tending to the flames…
Placing a stick in now and then…
Just watching it glow…
I used to glow once, too.
Daddy always said I was precious.
Like a sparkling gem at his side…
I was his little ember...
I watch the others now, silent as ever.
Seeing them laughing, talking, playing…
Enjoying themselves as usual.
They all look so happy…
Colette and Lloyd run around the fire,
Playfully chasing each other down…
I think she said something, teasinghim…
I don't really remember…
Sheena and Raine are talking on the side
About what, I do not hear.
They seem to be enjoying themselves…
I should not intrude.
Regal, Zelos and Genis all sit by the pot…
Genis is making curry again tonight.
His cooking is always delicious,
And his dishes are famous among our group.
Everyone looks so relaxed…
It's like I don't belong here…
I am a pariah…an outcast…
One who doesn't fit in with the rest…
But what can I say?
I can't join Colette and Lloyd…
They're playing an intimate game…
Raine and Sheena are deep in talk,
About stuff I probably should know, but don't…
The three guys sit by the pot, hungrily waiting…
Genis says it's almost done…smiling as he stirs it.
And as for myself, where do I belong?
I feel as if I should share in the joy…
But what do I do, what do I say?
Perhaps it would be best if I don't try…
After all, I am the one who doesn't belong.
And as I watch them, I wonder…
Where has my innocence gone?
It has been almost twenty years…
Twenty years since my last moment of joy…
Twenty years since I last smiled at something.
I feel so empty inside…
A tear trickles down my cheek,
But no one can see it…
No one is supposed to see it…
Placing a large stick into the fire,
I take a short walk, alone.
I feel better this way…
Because then I won't disturb anyone.
Finding a nice spot near a tree,
I cry silently, wishing for my life back…
Wishing for the father and sister I lost…
Wishing they could show me how to live…
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When I wake next, it is morning.
I am gently covered up in blankets.
Wait…I don't remember coming back…
What is happening? I do not know…
I sit up, and find my comrades around me.
Lloyd and Regal are putting out the fire…
Genis and Sheena watch the pot…breakfast.
Zelos and Raine are rolling their sleeping bags…
"You alright?" a cheery voice asks.
Colette…always the happy one…
"Hmm…" I groggily reply…
I lie back down, eyes still closed, tired…
"You missed dinner last night…"
I know that…I wasn't hungry…
She draws closer now…
"I something wrong?" she cautiously asks.
Of course there is…can't you tell?
But she wouldn't know, would she?
How can I explain it to her…
How do I tell her I am lonely?
"Genis found you last night…"
Her face changes, and upon her sunny face,
Her eyes droop ever-so-slightly,
The smile fading from her visage…
Is that…worry…I see?
But how would she know…
She's never been lonely…
I feel a sudden urge to just push her away…
And then, Genis comes, holding a bowl.
Spiced oatmeal…it looks inviting.
"Hey…umm…Presea…?"
I turn to the boy, my eyes as empty as ever.
"You hungry…?" he asks timidly,
Holding forth the bowl and a spoon for me.
Wordlessly, I accept, and as I eat,
Both just watch me…
How can I say it…it's…unnerving?
I'm used to being alone…
The unwanted child, the weird one…
The little axe freak, someone once said.
This group of people, despite their oddity,
Has never said a cruel word to me…
Perhaps it is that which makes me feel…
So…out-of-place…
Then, Colette whispers something to the boy,
And retreats, gathering her sleeping bag up.
"How is it?" he suddenly asks.
I don't know how to say it…it's good…
But…oh, grr.
It ALWAYS feels as if I should say more.
And once upon a time, I probably could.
Now, it feels as if I speak a language only I know.
I turn to him, and handing him the empty bowl,
Say, "It was good, Genis…thank you."
He smiles, and…blushes?
And then, he too leaves, to clean up the meal.
This strange turn of events makes me wonder…
What exactly is it that bothers me so?
Why don't I feel normal in this group?
I hate feeling this way more than anything…
I dismiss my thoughts long enough to get up,
Roll up my blankets, and pack up…
And then, I sit again, as they unwillingly return,
Nagging at me to make up my mind.
Just make up your damn mind, girl…
It's not going to go away…
These feelings of loneliness…
Cold and unrelenting…
I feel a nudge on my shoulder.
"Hey, Presea…if you're going out again,
Let someone know…okay?"
Lloyd pats me on the shoulder before going.
How can I ever say it now?
I need someone to talk to…
But who would understand me?
That I need someone to care?
Sheena's far too independent…
Regal…I don't think he'd understand…
Raine…? No…too confident.
Zelos? No…that's just scary.
That leaves Genis, Colette, and Lloyd.
If I really had to talk to anyone, though,
Maybe it would be Colette…
She'd listen longer than the guys would…
As I approach the angelic girl,
I try to gather my thoughts in order…
It feels so formal, asking for advice.
But as I tap her shoulder, my thoughts…
They fly away like unwanted newspaper,
Leaving me empty-handed as she turns…
"Hmm? Oh, Presea!" she responds cheerfully.
"Did you need something?"
"Uh…umm…" I manage, as in my mind,
My thoughts take off down the alleyway,
Flying away on the sheet of newspaper…
"I mean…how do I say it…"
"Let's go over there," she says finally,
Pointing over to the tree I went to the night before.
I go with her, and as she sits me down,
She just sits beside me, and turns.
"That's better…okay, you wanted to say…?"
She watches me intently, listening…
And as the words finally come back to me,
I begin my quest for the answer.
"I feel so out of place…here…"
"What do you mean?"
"I feel like I don't belong in this group…"
"Huh? Why?"
"Because…I don't match with anyone.
I mean…look at me…I'm a pariah…
I have nothing to talk about with others…
I don't understand your joy…your jokes…"
"I'm afraid to say it in front of the others…
But I really want to find my place…
And I only end up feeling like a fifth wheel,
Which has no useful purpose…"
"Hmm…" she nods, in deep thought.
Is there some way out?
Being a pariah comforted me for a while…
But now, it only makes me feel sick, lost…
Deep down, I want to belong.
And having no place to go,
Being a pariah was the perfect idea…
But now I have friends…sort of…
"Well," she finally declares,
"The only way to change that is to try."
"Huh?" I respond, confused…
"Just talk to the others, listen…"
I want to cringe…
I've been doing that for four months now…
"But…I've tried…"
She only smiles, and hugs me.
"It doesn't come right away, Presea…"
I am more confused than ever…
"But you know, it's good you told someone…
Because now we understand, and we can help you."
As she backs off slowly, I stare in disbelief.
I don't understand a thing that just happened.
They can help me? How?
As we go back to the camp, I shake my head.
And then, suddenly, I begin to understand.
Perhaps I am a pariah because I choose to be.
Sure, I tried, but in the past four months…
I have talked to exactly four people, a total of seven times.
Something's wrong there, I tell myself.
The others, they talk and play every day,
Forming friendships and bonds,
Things I cannot hope to understand just yet.
But as everyone watches us return,
I smile inwardly…they DO care.
And as I reach for my bag…
I realize it is not there…
Genis holds it out to me, smiling.
"Feeling better?" he asks out of the blue.
"Yes…" is all I can manage.
But he smiles, and I cannot help but do so as well.
Perhaps the time for being a pariah has passed.
As I move on, with my friends,
I remember Colette's words…
"The only way to change that is to try…"
I walk alongside Genis and Colette,
And for a brief moment, I feel good.
I smile, a real, genuine smile…
The ember's glow returns…
It is time to learn to live again.
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